To expect some recognition

[thegreenmachine]

From my husband for doing everything bar the washing up at home.

He point blank refuses to acknowledge my contribution to running our home and making his life easier.

I am, however, criticised pretty quickly though when I make a mistake. Even if he doesn't criticise, he will comment.

[monkeymonkey2010]

If someone had asked if I feel controlled I'd probably say no
You do all the housework because you know he'll get angry and abusive with you if you don't.
So to avoid the row you play the role of his skivvy.
THAT is control.
He's conditioning you.

[monkeymonkey2010]

Don't put your inheritance into the joint account or spend it on any joint bills etc.
If any of that money goes into your joint matrimonial accounts/assets then he can legally claim on it.

Use it to get the fuck away from a lazy, abusive, sexist, misogynistic pig.

[thegreenmachine]

Probate hasn't been granted yet so the business isn't mine and if it does become mine, I may only have it for a few months due to reasons outside my control.

The issue comes in the future IF I get the opportunity to continue it. At that point, I have every intention of it being in my sole name both on the tenancy and for tax purposes. The other day was the first time he's mentioned being legally part of it.

I am aware that this isn't really about the housework. Just reading something from Lundy Bancroft where he describes devaluing being the same as controlling and I have a new insight. Lots to think about.

[Porridgeoat]

Personally I’d try and run the entire company without his input and buy in services where needed.

[Standupthisisnotateaparty]

I didn't make a big fuss of thanking him, in fact I didn't thank him at all.

I feel a bit better

This won’t be enough in the long run. From what you have said you have done exceptionally well to work on a business and learning how it all works.
You may never get recognition from your dh, he may be incapable of praising you for anything you do. In fact from what you have said the better you do the more jealous he will get and the more he will try to knock you down. Only you can decide if this is how you are happy to live your life. Tbh though you have posted on here as clearly you are not and needed conformation for what you already know.

[BemidjiMinnesota]

Please take legal advice of your own, without your husband knowing, of how to secure your ownership of the business.

If you have only just inherited (and he hasn't established himself as 'The Boss') then you might be able to get away from the marriage with all your inheritance. Otherwise he will take his inheritance, take the business, treat you like a skivvy and steal your golden chance to escape. He sounds absolutely horrible, and he is going to leave you with nothing. This inheritance is a big chance for you to break away, please don't hand it to him.

[RedRed9]

Are you honesty just going to love your whole life loving bitterly with a man who doesn’t value you? And then claw back silent little ‘achievements’ of not saying thank you when he does a chore and think that that makes it all ok?

You’re worth more than this OP. Get some dignity.

[shookbelves]

DO NOT LET THIS MAN GET HIS CLAWS INTO YOUR BUSINESS!!!

Otherwise you'll suddenly find that he will take over and become the boss, and you'll be the skivvy there as well as at home.

[LilyMarshall]

He gets really angry is enough to leave.

The getting angry and ignoring you for not doing a housework task is a clear sign of abuse.

Youre in an abusive relationship. Find a way to leave.

[thegreenmachine]

I've actually just read something from Lundy Bancroft where he describes "control" as devaluing. If someone had asked if I feel controlled I'd probably say no but I certainly do feel devalued.

I deliberately stayed at the business late today and it meant he walked the dog, helped unpack the food shopping I'd bought and cooked the dinner (albeit something I'd got ready this morning). I didn't make a big fuss of thanking him, in fact I didn't thank him at all.

I feel a bit better.

[Time40]

You are about to become wealthy, one way or another, and he's staking his claim while treating you like a servant. please, please, take legal advice

Yes, exactly. And someone said what you said about your husband made her hairs stand on end - mine too. I think he's trying to take over this business, OP. He doesn't respect you, and he's after your money. Please, please be careful.

[Tigersneeze]

please protect your money and your business. He belittles you, undermines your confidence and tries to convince you, that you depend on bim - all in order to get his hands on your business.

I'm convinced this is not just about money but about control and hierarchy.

his comment about 'someone needs be the boss' is so horrible it feels sinister and oppressive.

Really hope you find a way to raise above him, to stop doing any chores for him and see your worth.

[thegreenmachine]

We had counselling a few years ago. Initially I thought it had done some good. Now, I'm not sure.

[RedRed9]

Your posts make me so sad.

If you really want to bother with this man than perhaps couples counselling would help?

[MaeDanvers]

He sounds jealous and like he doesn’t enjoy the thought of the business being ‘yours’ once everything is settled.

[thegreenmachine]

And yes, he will have some respect within the industry whereas I am an unknown really.

However, he can still be involved without legally being involved.

[thegreenmachine]

I have given a lot of thought to whether he is abusive or not.

He's not nasty or threatening but I don't feel we are a team either before or after my change in lifestyle. Everything we do together, he wants to take charge. Whether that be running the house or running the business. But only the bits he's interested in. The rest I get completely free reign over but then no acknowledgement for any of it.

I think the worst thing is occasionally he seems to think "I must be nice" so he'll give me a patronising "thank you for dinner" said like a child having it forced out of him after visiting a friends house for tea. Or if I've dealt with a stressful matter, he's not involved but then when I understandably want to talk about my day, he'll say things like "aren't you a clever stick" rather than engaging properly. It's hard to explain and the devil is in the detail but his "praise" when given feels patronising and condescending.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

If I get to negotiate terms, he would then want to be involved. He told me the other day that him being involved is going to give me more clout with other people. Ie. People will respect him being in the business, again suggesting that I'm not to be respected in my own right.

He sounds like a dick.

Money wasn't left to him. Its a marital asset.

But, the above could be correct if he works within the same industry that the business is in. Often people in the industry, get more respect than those outside. No matter how competent that person maybe. That said, I still wouldn't let him be involved.

You need to keep anything you can separate. This us about money. He is making your feel like shit, to make you feel grateful you will get anything.

[saraclara]

Something about your posts re your husband make my hairs stand on end

Me too. And again, I'm not one of those posters who immediately thinks the worst, or who throws LTBs around like confetti.

You are about to become wealthy, one way or another, and he's staking his claim while treating you like a servant. please, please, take legal advice.

[Liveandforget]

Something about your posts re your husband make my hairs stand on end. He knows exactly what he's doing and is going to take control of your business.

Op, please read 'Why does he do that?' as mentioned by pp.

[ShallallalAa]

Christ on a bike op if you will be significantly wealthier than him I would be off like a shot!

[GunungBatur]

Please think very carefully about whether you actually want to have this business, whether he's involved or not. It takes an enormous personal toll on you, and there comes a point that if it's not something you absolutely love, it can destroy you.

Separate out the two issues. Do you want to remain with him or leave him? It sounds as though he needs to have far more respect and recognition of you contribution to your family.

[EKGEMS]

You want him involved in the business?? Really? Wake up and smell the damn coffee-you DO realize women can vote now and you most definitely sound capable of managing without your deadweight of a husband to answer to! Hell I wouldn't tolerate that nonsense at home from that clown much less the business

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

It sounds like he has no respect for you and really patronises you - people will listen more and you will have more clout if he is involved!? So he doesnt think people will listen to little old you if you don't have an important man to back you up? I'd be very wary about tying myself into business with someone like this

[thegreenmachine]

It's complicated to explain but the business technically ends on my relatives death. I am currently in a notice period as executor. I can then either close the business or negotiate new terms if the landlord is willing. They may choose to do something else with their property. It's not a business that can be started up elsewhere (ie. a shop on the high street). I don't really want to out myself. I will inherit other things that will help with the business or can be sold.

If I get to negotiate terms, he would then want to be involved. He told me the other day that him being involved is going to give me more clout with other people. Ie. People will respect him being in the business, again suggesting that I'm not to be respected in my own right.

I have dealt with some difficult issues so far involving a lot of people skills and negotiation and plenty of legal issues arising from the poor state of things I inherited. Again, not recognised.

I have all the legal and financial responsibilities and have had to learn fast. He hasn't helped with any of that. He has helped with some of the practicalities. He seems to think the managerial side is irrelevant and his odd jobs are what's keeping the business running. They're not but they are certainly helpful whilst I learn the ropes and beneficial where I physically can't do the job.

I have been self employed for years and employed and I agree with whoever said about the emotional burden of knowing that every last bit of responsibility falling to you. He's always been employed and all the really difficult stuff he can pass to someone else.