Being ignored by school mum

[Nicedayforawedding]

My ds has a best friend at school, they are very close and in year 1.Before lockdown I was friends with his mum and was often picking up and dropping off her ds, taken them out for the day everything was great.

Since lockdown I’ve messaged her and had no reply despite her reading the messages. After the first two I’ve stopped bothering but she has been on FB liking things on the school FB page (which is weird because she’d previously slagged some of these people off to me!). We are all on the same group so difficult not to notice!

I’d asked in my message if my ds could chat to her ds. my ds really misses him.

AIBU in feeling pissed off ive not heard from her in two months?

[Nicedayforawedding]

This is what happened, the head of the PTA contacted me via text saying ‘please can you forward to this message to X’s mum because Mrs (teacher) doesn’t want X to miss out.’

I forwarded the message on as I was told to. Not sure how it works in other schools,this is my only experience of having a child at school.

[SeasonFinale]

I agree with rawlikesushi.

Also I still cant see why a teacher would ask a PTA member to send school resources to a parent. The teacher would contact them direct.

[rawlikesushi]

Well yes, I agree. All I'm suggesting is a more cautious 'wait and see' approach that's all. In time it'll become apparent whether there's a genuine reason or whether she's a horrible user. But no one knows for sure right now, so why not err on the side of optimism and kindness? It seems premature to feed OP's worries and insecurities about it all imo.

[SionnachRua]

The lengths people will go to to excuse these users always amazed me.

OP has done all of the giving in this friendship as far as I can see. She's gone out of her way to drive the other kid around. Now OP can't be a gofer and the other parent needs to reply to a message it's all too much? I call bullshit. Yes, she may be suffering with insert issue here during the pandemic but that can also apply to OP. OP is entitled to feel aggrieved that the effort she put into the relationship isn't being returned in the slightest.

I would back off OP and see what she says when the schools open up again. It will tell you a lot about where you stand.

[Cyllie33]

@rawlikesushi I agree - but to look at it another way, the person the OP is messaging is being unkind by not replying. If someone is feeling isolated anyway and the people they do reach out to ignore them it is incredibly damaging. It’s just impossible to know I suppose - the person not replying may be in crisis, but equally they may be being rude and unkind!

[rawlikesushi]

I'm a teacher and there is one (lovely) family who haven't engaged at all - they haven't returned a phone call, responded to letters or replied to emails.

I finally got through yesterday and she cried on the phone - said she'd turned off notifications, let her email inbox fill up, and basically withdrawn from the world.

You wouldn't know what had happened from the outside.

Please just be kind and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, always but particularly just now. It can't hurt can it?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Before lockdown I was friends with his mum and was often picking up and dropping off her ds, taken them out for the day everything was great."
Hmm. Everything was great for her. Did she pick up your DS, take him out for the day pre-lockdown? I'd guess not. Now we're in lockdown, you can't do these things for her so she drops you.

[rayoflightboy]

Bet she's quick to message when she needs help when school reopens.
You where useful and now you're not simple as that.
I had a few people like that but you learn.I don't do any favours for them.

[antipodalpizza]

My son (also Yr 1) is desperately missing his best friend, and being able to video chat has really helped.


Maybe video contact isn't what the other family want - it doesn't suit everybody.

[Kitcat47]

I think she is just rude! It takes 2 seconds to reply. I feel some people are just users! I fee for you OP as I am sensitive about situations like this xxx

[Poptart4]

YANBU, if she has time to be on Facebook she has time to respond to your texts. A quick " nice to hear from you, I'm up to my eyes right now but will chat soon". . . Would do. I dont care what anyone says ignoring someone 3 times rude.

You considered her a friend, she see's you as a school mum acquaintance.

At least now you know where you stand with her, you can treat her accordingly when all of this is over.

[Toothsil]

I know how you feel, OP. I have been friends with someone since our kids were babies, we used to message every single day. Then suddenly in December she stopped replying to me. I messaged to wish her happy birthday last month and asked how they all are, she replied "thanks. We are fine". Didn't ask how we were. I tried to initiate a conversation but she didn't reply. She's on fb all the time liking things and posting. God knows what I've done to her. It did bother me at first but I'm past caring now.

[bigknickersbigknockers]

I just hope she has alternative help in place for when the schools reopen. Anyone can miss seeing a message or forget to reply to it later but this is just rude.

[Mullikins]

I had the opposite issue with a school mum. When the kids were at school (back in the days of blessed normality) I text one of the school mums a number of times to 1) offer to look after her dd during a surprise last minute school closure because she'd mentioned she'd struggle to find someone and would have to take the day off work, 2) to organise a play date, and 3) to see if her dd would like to come round to play during the summer holidays. She ignored the first message (a family member offered to look after the dd), ignored the second message, and replied to the third message two weeks later after the kids had gone back to school. I was a bit annoyed but I also think she's generally a flaky person and she's always that person who never knows what's going at school because her dd doesn't apparently ever bring home letters and her phone doesn't receive the school texts either 😆

During lockdown however, I've text her a couple of times to sort out video calls for our DDs and every text is answered within 30 seconds. I've realised that this is because she's working from home and feels bad that she's not spending enough time with her dd (who is an only child). Her child is very lonely at home and so she is jumping at any chance that presents itself that keeps her dd busy for a while.

I think it's very easy to get too involved in the whole school mum pally pally thing and over-think situations- I say this as a massive over thinker. I've learnt over the few years that my dd has been at school that whilst some people will make lifelong friends with the school mums, most don't. It's a pretty cut throat environment anyway at times. Now throw in these weird Covid 19 times, where most people are even busier than normal, it can be hard to actually keep on top of who's texting/ringing, it's easy to get side tracked and forget to reply as well on top of working, teaching your child, housework, never ending preparation of snacks etc. Alternatively she may be a cow. We don't know. You don't know. You've tried to initiate contact. There's nothing else you can do. I feel sorry for your child because they really need that contact at the moment but if she's not going to reply then what can you do?

Could you try another child/parent instead? My dd has a few best friends but I've set up a few video calls with other kids and she's just as excited to speak to them as her closest friends.

[ddl1]

Under normal circumstances, I would say YANBU. But the lockdown has affected people in strange ways. She may be exhausted and preoccupied with homeschooling (hence her going onto the FB school page) and perhaps combining it with working from home. She may be very worried about a vulnerable relative. She may have mental health issues associated with the pandemic and lockdown, or be preoccupied with a dh or dc who has such issues. I would cut her slack at this time. Or she may be someone who - like most people 30 years ago - finds it easiest to maintain friendships in person, and difficult to do so online (a few 'likes' on FB are not the same thing as maintaining a friendship). She may of course just be weird, rude or fickle, but I would not just assume it at this time.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Cyllie33 some people have as many as 5 messenger apps it is easy to lose track. Once lost my cousin mid conversation because she needed to let her cat out then my nephew wanted something so she completely forgot.

Now I can decidec to think she does not care about me how rude or I can take it as she told me that she forgot and did not realise till a month later.

It's easily done trust me

[Nicedayforawedding]

Thanks to everyone for your support, it does mean a lot. This situation has definitely made me see this mum in a different way, ds talks about his bestie all the time bless him.

[Cyllie33]

@lovepickledlimes repeatedly ‘forgetting’ to reply to people’s messages is rude and inconsiderate though.

• She hasn’t just not responded to one message though. She has ignored 3, once maybe a mistake and you missed it but not three times, come on!
  Bet she responds and doesn’t miss messages when she needs the op for something though*
  
  This

[PumpkinP]

She hasn’t just not responded to one message though. She has ignored 3, once maybe a mistake and you missed it but not three times, come on!
Bet she responds and doesn’t miss messages when she needs the op for something though

[Bunnyfuller]

When at school you are useful to her. Under lockdown you are not. I would stop doing the favours when we do come out of lockdown,

[Zogtastic]

Personally I would try reframing this all in your head.

Why has she not contacted you? - you don’t know. If the fact she isn’t contacting you means the friendship no longer works for you then that’s fine. A friendship has to work both ways.

Impact of her not replying or contacting you - some of your child and your needs that you planned to met through her and her child aren’t being met. You need to find a way to met another way - sounds like you’ve already done this by contacting other parents.

• You are not sure you have the friendship you thought you had. This potentially requires re-evaluating the friendship in your head. If it is a convenient school based friendship - does that work for you still? Is it worth you putting yourself out a bit for the benefits your child gets? If yes, carry on. If no, stop.
  

• it’s affected your sense of self. Why am I not worth bothering with? Why am I not worth a reply? This is you allowing your feelings of self worth be impacted by behaviour of someone else - always outside of your control. If she no longer makes you feel good about yourself, then you’ll never be likely to view her as a friend, if it’s a useful school superficial friendship that’s worth something to you continue with that, if not, withdraw.
  

It is sad when you realise someone does not view a friendship the way you do.

Someone once talked me about thoughts that worry us fitting into three circles:

A larger outside one - area of concern
Inside a middle sized one - area of influence
Inside the middle one a smaller one - area of concern.

Your thoughts about her behaviour fit into the outer circle - it concerns you but you have no influence or control.

You son missing out is mostly within area of concern with some of it in area of influence as you can’t stop him missing out but you can find him other friends & their parents who will connect with him now.

The more you can minimise time thinking about areas of concern and influence and the more time you focus on problems within your control the easier it is to move on. So how you act next, what other ways you will support your son etc. These are what are in your control. You can’t help feeing sad about how you’ve been treated but how are you going to pick yourself up and move on is within your control.

[Devlesko]

Sounds like she was using you, and now she doesn't need you.
Yu'll come across a few of these as your dc goes through school.

[Grandmi]

She is rude and ignorant....have come across a few like that over the years!!! People like that are really not worth taking up your headspace. Remember you are the better person 💐

[Mrsjayy]

The op sent some school info and said hi she wasn't looking for deep and meaningfuls just an acknowledgement.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Viviennemary maybe she forgot or has not realised she had not replied