AIBU to not let my DD (3) win every time?

[blueglassandfreesias]

DD is 3.5 and very into games, snakes and ladders, turn taking games and races.

Since lockdown I’ve been with her every waking minute and playing a variety of different games all day long.

I let her win id say about 98% of the time and sometimes she wins anyway through luck or skill.

When she loses, she goes bat shit crazy, screaming her head off, getting angry etc. I don’t know if I should be throwing in the the odd ‘her losing’ moment to teach her about the real world. Or whether to always let her win every time.

When she loses and goes mad, I sit with her and calmly explain that everyone’s loses and I understand that it feels disappointing/ frustrating and offer her cuddles and when she’s calm I encourage her to high five or say well done to the winner which she has managed a few times bless her.

Maybe it’s just the kind of lesson she’ll naturally learn at ore school and I needn’t create artificial scenarios and just work on making her the most confident she can be?

I just worry that if I do this she will be one of those sore loser kids who can’t enjoy things unless she wins every time.

I know she’s very young but I am worried in both cases.

AIBU to win sometimes?

[namechangenumber2]

I'd definitely make sure she loses occasionally. I have two friends who both have only children. Both children really struggled when they started school coping with the fact they didn't always win, didn't always get to choose the rules/game etc. Both sets of parents admitted they'd always allowed their child to win/choose and naturally because they didn't have a sibling who equally wanted to win etc they hadn't learnt it wasn't always going to fo their way.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Can you not have a Teddy play too so the Teddy sometimes loses as well.

[ChaBishkoot]

No let her win 50% of the time. If she tantrums just say, ah well, you might win next time and move on.
My DS was a very sore loser (PFB) and I made him lose and he lost his shit and I ignored it. He’s still not the greatest loser and gets competitive. But when he got to 5/6 if he started to whine about losing DH and I would simply say that he couldn’t play with us and we would continue without him. We were v adamant that it was really important to learn how to lose and not try to bend the rules to suit him.
He’s still not the best sore loser at 8 but he’s much better and he’s pretty uncoordinated at sport so he’s had to accept that other kids are just better at him.

[Pickles89]

As a nanny I let them win about 80% of the time, but I downplay the winning whether it's them or me, after a quick 'Yay!' and high 5, I turn the attention back on the game and keep playing until all the players have finished. Definitely keep letting her lose OP. It's horrible to lose, but it's part of life, and you don't want her to grow up thinking life's always going to go her way. It's why we sing horrible nursery rhymes like 'Humpty Dumpty' and 'There was an old woman who lived in a shoe' - sometimes, shit happens. Let her lose, offer her a cuddle if she wants it, then distract her.

[melj1213]

YANBU- she needs to learn how to lose graciously as well as winning in games.

I have a DD and she is an only child. When she was little I would let her win more often than not for games of skill/strategy but games of chance I would just play and let her take her chances, the only exceptions would be if I was winning by a crazy amount I would manipulate things to be a little bit closer (eg if we were playing Snakes and Ladders and she was stil on square 10 and I was on 80 of 100, I'd make sure I landed on at least one snake to even things up a bit and make the game last a little longer before I won)

Also, make sure you are not reinforcing her tantrums by coddling her when she loses as it then becomes a vicious circle. When she loses she needs to be gracious to whoever has won because you might cuddle her and fuss when she loses but kids at nursery etc will not.

When my DD had tantrums about losing initially I would totally ignore the behaviour and would busy myself resetting the game to play again. I would then tell her that she needed to calm down or the game would go away. If she calmed down I would ask her if she was calm enough to play again and she would have to apologise before we could play again. If she didn't calm down then I'd put the game away and I would tell her that I didnt want to play if she was going to have a tantrum. I would then go away and do something else - fold laundry, washing up etc - and tell her I would not talk to her while she was behaving that way. It took a few afternoons of meltdowns because I would not back down but she eventually realised that tantrums got her nothing and being polite/gracious would get her more chances to play, and beat me, than kicking off because she lost.

[user1473878824]

I’m an only child and managed not to lose my shit about not winning but of course we’re all selfish freaks and weirdos 🙄

[PurpleTrilby]

I can remember being about 2.5 years old and my parents said no, you don't get your own way. Best lesson ever. I learned to lose as well as win at games. I'm bloody good at them as a result and take losing on the chin, even enjoy it cos you learn that way. Don't spoil her by not doing this, it's really important she learns it goes both ways and that's normal.

[DuringDinnerMints]

I let mine win around 75% of the time I'd say. Enough to keep them wanting to play but not so much they know they'll win. When I win I say, "hurray, I finally won one! Do you want to play again?"

We also play with teddy so teddy can have a turn at winning. It's good for them too see that everyone likes winning but winning every time is boring.

[AndMyHairWillShineLikeTheSea]

When I play games like that with DS (3.9) he lets me win about half the time, it's hilarious, he says "mummy, your turn to win" "well done mummy, you won". In a really exaggerated voice 😂

He had major trouble sharing when he was 2 so we made a big point of taking turns and now he thinks you take turns for everything.

[ContessaferJones]

I’m an only child and managed not to lose my shit about not winning but of course we’re all selfish freaks and weirdos - I don't think anyone said you were. They were making the point that there is more potential for an only child to always win than there is for one sibling to always win (due to the instant protests that would arise from the other siblings if they did).

I would totally have my own funny mini tantrum I have a funny photo of 4yo DS1 from a long time ago - he was howling at me for daring to try and win!! He still doesn't much like it tbf (he's 9) but is improving.

[speakout]

I am not a fan of competitive games.

If your DD gets upset then I would find more constructive activities.

[midnightstar66]

Please do get her used to this now, a 5 year old having a meltdown over this in a class of 30 can be very disruptive. Don't leave it to the teachers to deal with this. DD has a friend who is now 10 and still does this at birthday parties - it's very tiresome for the hosts and she sometimes now doesn't get invited. I'd recommend winning a bit more than 2% and less of the comforting as it's probably encouraging her.

I think that's a better life lesson than teaching them to accept people lose in life. They wouldn't (in a meaningful way) in an equal society.

I'd say it's better to set a child up for life in the society we live in rather than the one we wish we did.

[Shoxfordian]

Don't let her win ever and then when she does it will mean more. My mum taught me backgammon when I was a child, older than 3 obviously, but she didn't let me win. I can win now

[Lllot5]

Depends on the game I think. Snakes and ladders is luck anyway just the throw of the dice.
But I wouldn’t challenge her to a 100m sprint because that’s just setting her up to lose.
I mostly let my grandchildren win at board games. 🤷‍♀️

[Incontinencesucks]

With that reaction i would be having her lose more to get used to it. All the kids i know who won all or majority of the time grew up terribly sore losers.

My niece was the worse, at over 10 better now but until then she was awful. And so shocked when she started playing other kids, especially competitive ones. That's why i make sure all my dc (bar newborn) win and lose, so they learn how to accept losing and also the winner learns not to rub it in their face!

[KingscoteStaff]

Very effective strategy here was to have teddy play as well and then make him have a massive strop when he lost. When they could see how silly it looked, they stopped doing it themselves.

They also got to practise their ‘good winner’ comments. I remember DS (now a 6ft rugby player) crouching down and saying ‘Don’t cry Panda - it’s just the luck of the game! Shall we pick up the pieces and have another go?’

[SporadicNamechange]

I agree with those that say that she clearly needs to lose more often.

And have appropriate consequences for the temper tantrum.

It’s best that she learns that you don’t always win, but that’s no reason to decide you’re rubbish and give up. That’s a hugely important thing for her to understand.

[Toomboom]

She will not develop life skills if you allow her to win most of the time. She needs to learn that life isn't like that and we can't win every time.
You really aren't doing her any favours by allowing her to win.

Tell her next time that she has a tantrum that no games will be played until she learns that she cannot win each time.
If that doesn't work try having a tantrum yourself when you "lose" and see how she reacts to that :)

[SionnachRua]

Oh Christ no, let her lose! The kids who don't lose or learn to share are nightmares at school. It isn't the schools job to teach everything.

[raspberryk]

@EmeraldShamrock. I still don't get that, teach them the game Yes, but i dont understand how you rig/play most games to let them win. Most games for young kids are luck? I've got 2 kids and I've never intentially let them win.

[SporadicNamechange]

I think that's a better life lesson than teaching them to accept people lose in life. They wouldn't (in a meaningful way) in an equal society

Only if that society has no competition in it whatsoever. Do we really want a society with no competitive sport, for example?

My DS is a swimmer. It’s been great for teaching him all kinds of things, like the value of working hard (lots of training for tiny improvements, and sometimes none), that you can do your best but someone else may still be faster (and that the key thing is feeling you have done everything you could - that’s the real achievement), the value of supporting and getting support from the swimmers around you (even when they beat you), how to take constructive criticism, and how to deal with a performance you’re not happy with (without throwing a temper tantrum).

One of his friends is really brilliant (in their current age group). He’s about the best in the country. DS celebrates his friend’s achievements (which involve regularly beating DS) and sees it as a great thing that he gets to train with someone who is doing so well. The friend (who is a lovely boy) also celebrates what DS (and the rest of the squad) achieve, and they all just try to focus on doing the best they can and being proud of that.

People lose; that doesn’t mean they have to be seen as lesser for it.