AIBU to not let my DD (3) win every time?

[blueglassandfreesias]

DD is 3.5 and very into games, snakes and ladders, turn taking games and races.

Since lockdown I’ve been with her every waking minute and playing a variety of different games all day long.

I let her win id say about 98% of the time and sometimes she wins anyway through luck or skill.

When she loses, she goes bat shit crazy, screaming her head off, getting angry etc. I don’t know if I should be throwing in the the odd ‘her losing’ moment to teach her about the real world. Or whether to always let her win every time.

When she loses and goes mad, I sit with her and calmly explain that everyone’s loses and I understand that it feels disappointing/ frustrating and offer her cuddles and when she’s calm I encourage her to high five or say well done to the winner which she has managed a few times bless her.

Maybe it’s just the kind of lesson she’ll naturally learn at ore school and I needn’t create artificial scenarios and just work on making her the most confident she can be?

I just worry that if I do this she will be one of those sore loser kids who can’t enjoy things unless she wins every time.

I know she’s very young but I am worried in both cases.

AIBU to win sometimes?

[Thesearmsofmine]

I’ve always let mine lose. Interestingly 1 of the 3 is still terrible loser at games(although he is fine losing at sports etc) despite this so I do think some of it is down to personality,

[Bluebird3456]

Definitely let her lose more!

There's a kid in my extended family who is always allowed to win everything, by his parents, grandparents, older siblings etc because otherwise "he'll start". He is an insufferably sore winner and rubs it in others' faces (his cousins at Christmas etc) when he wins (whether it's because he actually deserved to or not). A couple of years ago, he won a game against a much younger child, then proceeded to tell her she was stupid and upset her. I innocently asked him if I could play him and deliberately beat him very quickly (sounds cruel but I wanted to see how he would react). He threw an enormous fit, tears, throwing the pieces etc. I was then told by his mum that I shouldn't do that to a child, he's just trying his best etc (she seems to ignore that he is a bully but ok).

Reader, he was 13.

[gospelsinger]

I would let a child win in a race that was designed by me to motivate her to do something. I'd let a 3 yo win about 60% of time in a game that I could easily beat her at eg noughts and crosses, but I would let luck decide in things like snakes and ladders.

[ByzantinePrincess]

13?! Wow. Did he have any mental issues? He’s going to struggle in a few years when he’s an adult and no-one lets him win at anything

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

What I used to do when mine was young, was 'fix' it as much as possible so we were equal until the final stages, then leave it to chance (so if we were playing pairs, I'd make sure I wasn't getting too many at first). It lead to equalise amounts of DDs winning and me winning.

Now they are older, and there's more strategy in games. I'll help them set up their strategy if they ask, but then it's every (wo)man for themselves. I end up losing most of the time as DD is a bit of a board game whizz.

[MrsNoah2020]

Lots and lots of praise if she handles losing well (and set your standards low at the beginning- anything less than a meltdown gets praise!).

Stop rewarding her for being a bad loser - at the moment you are giving her loads of attention and cuddles, so why would she stop?

If she has a meltdown, stop playing with her for a short time (she is only 3, after all).

[Bluebird3456]

@ByzantinePrincess Nope, no mental health issues or SEN or anything like that. Just a brat really! Obviously to a point it's not his fault, he's been taught to be that way.

[PickUpAPickUpAPenguin]

13? I bet he was popular with his peers.
I would probably make it more 70/30 with a 3 year old but it's really important to learn to deal with losing.

[Starlight39]

I think you have to let her lose sometimes but try not to worry too much about tantruming over losing and what it might mean for the future. I think at age 3 they are pretty raw in terms of emotional development and dealing with losing is something that happens naturally to some extent over the next few years. My DS was I'm pretty sure exactly the same age 3 and by around 6 (and still now at 8!) he starts trying to engineer games so that I win if he feels he has won too much as he feels sorry for me! He takes pleasure in others winning. And he has been allowed to win quite a lot as he's an only child with very hands on and loving grandparents.

At 3, I usually just tried to acknowledge DS's feelings - "you're feeling sad about losing the game" but not make a hugely big deal of it. Sometimes they just need to express the upset and return to normal and that process is actually helpful in itself to their development.

[starfishmummy]

Im sure it is personality thesearms.
DH js very competitive and I used to have to nudge him to let a tiny ds win occasionally, but ds has never been bothered either way and is more like me in that playing the game is the more important thing.

[GrolliffetheDragon]

I used to let DS win if I'd won two or three in a row, and I tended to try and keep it close so I wasn't miles ahead and he had no chance of catching up.

But it is good to learn to lose. I've tried to teach him to win nicely and lose nicely, but his reactions are a bit hit and miss on that. He's old enough now to know the difference between games that involve skill or random chance, which seems to have helped.

[Suzie6789]

Yes you need start winning a bit more to let her get used to it.
My DD has a friend who always had to win and bragged about being the best at everything, and if she didn’t the strops and crying were horrendous.
It was not cute or endearing aged 8. Now she’s a bit older friends are picking her up in bragging and she doesn’t like it one bit. It’s best to sort this out whilst they’re young,

[Hagisonthehill]

With snakes and ladders I never let DD win,she did about 50%as it's more a game of luck.That meant when she had friend over they could play and no issues.
She was very good at pairs(remembering cards face down)so she won that most.
Most of it is about having fun doing it so that no game is really lost because there is always nex time.

[KellyHall]

YANBU

DD (3) and I have two races every day without fail: who can get in to their pyjamas quicker and who can brush their teeth for 2 minutes first (I know the secind one doesn't make complete sense but she hasn't figured that out yet!)

Sometimes she doesn't change quicker, sometimes she doesn't brush her teeth enough. I shout "yey, I win" if I have, then look at dd with a sad face and say "maybe you'll wim next time". Then change the subject.

[longsigh]

www.amazon.co.uk/Ravensburger-22052-Snails-Pace-Race/dp/B004KZ8P2Q?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
This is a great game where the loser is not really the one who loses ...

[Babdoc]

This is all so much easier when you have 2 DC - obviously they can’t both win, and they learn to lose graciously and also win without gloating.
But if you have an only child, then you absolutely must teach them these essential life lessons as early as possible. It’s part of normal social interaction.
I remember when my two were 3 and 4. We were playing monopoly. (They might sound a bit young for it, but have IQs of 140 and 160, so managed fine)
DD2 landed on DD1’s hotel on Mayfair. DD1 grabbed the money, shouting “Mine, all mine, I win!”
I said “DD, how rude” - and DD2, at the tender age of 3 added “Yes - greedy bastard!”
We all fell about laughing, but DD1 accepted she had behaved unpleasantly, and didn’t gloat in future when winning!

[RedRedWines]

Why are you letting her win at a game that is purely driven by luck?? Just play it normally and let whoever wins, win and play similar games so she’ll be experiencing winning and losing in a similar amount. Obviously don’t challenge her to a game of chess and thrash her in 5 minutes, that’s not fun for anyone but what you’re doing is equally pointless. How do you even let her win at snakes and ladders?

[raspberryk]

How do you let them win in games? Don't you just play by the rules and then whoever wins wins.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

I loved the suggestion of you throwing a tantrum if you don't win

[NeverForgetYourDreams]

I've never let my DS win a game he didn't deserve. We stuck to simple games of chance like Snakes and Ladders when he was very young

He's now 14 and can handle losing because we didn't let him win!!

[EmeraldShamrock]

Yanbu. I do it purposely on DS he is 5 although he has extra needs he gets out of control when he looses a game at home and jn school. I stay super calm while he accepts it.
When I lose I smile saying it is ok I enjoyed the game etc.
I'm hopeful by September he'll get it.

[EmeraldShamrock]

How do you let them win in games? Don't you just play by the rules and then whoever wins wins
No not with a 3 year old, it would be like me racing Mo Farah. You need to teach them from scrath.

[TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup]

We've never let DD win although we offered hints and tips if she was struggling with some games. Or we would play as a team, her + me against daddy, so she could play slightly harder games without getting absolutely thrashed by us. She is 7, can comfortably play us at most of our board games now. Sometimes gets a bit grumpy but generally accepts defeat graciously.

I used to play my dad at chess, he would not let me win. The first time I actually won was the best feeling because I knew I had done it myself!

Play the games properly, OP. If you can see she might lose talk about how well she has played and that you've really enjoyed the game. Have sympathy if she does lose but quickly move on to tidying up the game and what shall we do next? Offer to play again, she might win this time.

[Yeahnahmum]

You let her win 98 percent of the time
... Gurll no
Maybe let her win every now and then. But deal with the tantrums when she loses.
My kids are both under the age of 4 and I do this with them. The both will throw a big fat tantrum when the lose. But is is getting a little better. Fun? No.but it needs to be done. They need to learn.

You are doing your child an incredible disservice by letting her win so much.

[user1473878824]

@CottonSock

I let mine lose much more than that. If they have a strip I won't play.

I’m so sorry but that typo has had me in stitches. Just the idea of a really tense strip snakes and ladders match, half empty bottle of tequila on the table.