To apologise to someone I don't know 15 years later

[Pondlife87]

When I was 18 I was deeply insecure and had undiagnosed depression.
I had a boyfriend who I broke up with and he got a new girlfriend.
I was horrible to her. Granted she gave as good as she got, but I started it and I was truly psycho.
As an adult (15 years later) I still feel ashamed and bad about it, as i would never treat anybody that way now. It crops up in my mind a couple of times a year.
Would it be totally unreasonable for me to reach out and apologise via social media, and admit to her i know I was being a psycho and Was unfairly awful to her. Or should I just leave it?

[mumwon]

all it would do is remind her of a bad time which she might have been able to put behind her. She might also feel that you are being sarcastic & wonder why you are doing it & worry that you might be starting another round.

[Changeembrace]

Op - what level of nastiness are we talking about here?

[TimeForPlentyIn2020]

If you contacted me it would bring it all back.

I would take your raking up of old muck as evidence that you were still a bit unhinged.

So no, I don't think you should contact her.

[SundaySalon]

I was on the receiving end of exactly the same situation, I ended things with him because it all got too much for me and the abuse was from her and her friends; around college, social media anywhere and everywhere. It was an awful time and had an impact on my A levels. I wouldn’t appreciate an apology, especially if it was her trying to make excuses for it. At 18 you’re an adult. Maybe she’s a bigger person than me but just to give you a different perspective.

[WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey]

Do not do it.

I've been in the position of having someone decide to apologise for past behaviour years afterwards, though different circumstances and it was both creepy and all about them. I felt like I was being used to make them feel good about themselves. Their approach was not welcome and not necessary, I'd largely forgotten they existed.

Leave her alone.

[Inherdefence]

I’d leave it. If you really were unkind and upset her she might be distressed at you reappearing in her life, it could be seen as a controlling act or a power play. Alternatively you might be overestimating how important your behaviour was to her and then you’d come across as a bit of a nut job. I’d let the past bury its dead and move on with your life.

Of course if your paths ever do cross again in the future you could then take the opportunity to apologise (this happened with an old school frenemy recently and while I was very touched by her words, it really wasn’t necessary) but if that doesn’t happen I think you’ll just have to live with the guilt of this one

[allflownthenest]

my ds had a girlfriend who was truly awful to him, a few years later she wrote to him to apologise saying she knew she had behaved badly (it was actually emotional abuse). I know he really appreciated it.

[x2boys]

I would leave it ,you are doing it to make yourself feel better not her, and the chances are she's forgotten all about it ,15 years is a long time ,we all do things when we are younger that we might feel embarrassed about as adults but you need to let it go.

[BlueEyedGreeness]

If it was me, I would appreciate the apology.
But I'd make sure it wasn't left open ended for conversation, you don't want to get into a discussion with her so make sure you word it carefully.

[AryaStarkWolf]

meh you were a teenager, I would leave it, maybe if you ever crossed paths naturally I would apologise but I wouldn't seek her out, that seems a bit odd

[Jaxhog]

Please don't. You'll just remind her of your crazy psycho behaviour and how she felt. It might make you feel better, but it won't help her.

[gavisconismyfriend]

It might make you feel better, but she might feel much worse. If she’s moved on from it, then you’ll just be dredging up a very unpleasant bit of the past for her and that’s not fair. You hurt her once, you shouldn’t risk doing it again.

[2monstermash]

I'm not sure it would help you appear less mental tbh

[RunForBurritos]

Whilst I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think it is unnecessary. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself more than anything.
Teenage years can be very hard emotionally, I really struggled myself.
If you are sincerely sorry then acknowledge this to yourself, it is a sign that you have moved on.
You don't need that other woman to be your witness, you do not need her forgiveness and she doesn't owe it to you.
I was abused by an ex at around that age, and I was a right pain in the arse afterwards to my next boyfriend. Not a psycho, but hard work.
I am still in touch with the nice ex but don't feel the need to apologise, to be fair we haven't brought it up, it is all polite and superficial.
But if the nasty ex were to get in touch with an apology, I wouldn't believe for a second that he is sincere, I would assume it is all about him.
Maybe I would be wrong, but that's how I would feel.
You are taking a risk if you apologise, she might tell you to fuck off and you might feel awful for it.
I still think being confident that you are genuinely sorry and that you have changed should be enough.
You need your own blessing not hers

[RunForBurritos]

In all honesty I agree with other posters that it sounds like the apology would be for your benefit more than hers.
Like I said, forgive yourself, be kind to other people ( within reason obviously) and leave her be.

[mummmy2017]

Please don't open an old wound, that for her has healed and been forgotten.
Your doing this for you not her.
How about you do something nice instead to help someone in need to pay it forward.

[GabsAlot]

Not the same age but i had an ex go psycho on me-shes tried several times to add me on fb as her friend and ive refused-i woldnt even acknowledge an apology as i dont believe a word she says

So id just leave well alone op

[CakeandCustard28]

Leave her be, it was 15 years ago she’d of long moved on by now. Your doing it for your own benefit, not hers just forgive yourself.

[palomapear]

No, it would just stir up things that hopefully she has been able to put behind her.

[unlikelytobe]

Too late now. Deal with your sense of remorse and leave her alone. It could be a can of worms!

[BadgersBum]

I think if you were to run in to her face to face maybe say something. But otherwise leave it alone.

[SunshineAngel]

If you feel that you had a really big impact on her life with your behaviour, then maybe. If it was just teenage girl stuff, then maybe not. Are they still together? If she's well moved on, there might not be much point.

My partner's ex (DSS's mum) walked out on them when DSS was a tiny baby, and left them for another man. That was 14 years ago, and last year the other man (who she didn't stay with for more than a few weeks) saw us when we were out and asked for a word. He apologised to my partner for what he had done. He said it was no excuse, but he was young and stupid, and flattered. His wife had just done similar to him, and it made him realise how much it hurt, and he was gutted that he'd played a part in that all those years ago, hurting someone else.

It was incredibly unexpected, but it sort of helped my partner close a door, as he'd never really got over it previously, and he found it very hard to trust other people.

So if you think you had that kind of impact on her life, do it, but if she won't even remember you I wouldn't bother.

[Stefoscope]

I'd leave it.. It took me a long time to get over my first serious relationship at a similiar age. Neither my ex or his new girlfriend would stop trying to contact me and drag me into their drama when I wanted to just be left alone. Pretty unhinged behaviour on both their parts, self harm and attempted suicide, it was a scary and intense year I'll never entirely forget. If she were to track me down to apologise I would just ignore it to be honest. I've since sort of made peace with my ex as we were together quite a long time and it wasn't all bad.

[IHateUserName]

You say that although you started it, she gave as good as she got. Would she appreciate an apology in the spirit intended or might it just aggravate things? Write out an apology to her, then burn it & work on forgiving yourself.

[Jellybeansincognito]

I think you should.
Apologises always mean a lot.