To apologise to someone I don't know 15 years later

[Pondlife87]

When I was 18 I was deeply insecure and had undiagnosed depression.
I had a boyfriend who I broke up with and he got a new girlfriend.
I was horrible to her. Granted she gave as good as she got, but I started it and I was truly psycho.
As an adult (15 years later) I still feel ashamed and bad about it, as i would never treat anybody that way now. It crops up in my mind a couple of times a year.
Would it be totally unreasonable for me to reach out and apologise via social media, and admit to her i know I was being a psycho and Was unfairly awful to her. Or should I just leave it?

[worriedandannoyed]

I was on the receiving end of a psycho ex girlfriend and I most definitely wouldn't accept an apology from her! She stalked me for months, followed me (on train and tube!) to work but his, I only knew she was following me as every time I got on/off the train/tube she called me. She was totally psycho. She even beat me up one morning, made me scared to walk anywhere.

Leave her alone now and don't drag it all back up

[CrazyToast]

A genuine apology is a good thing. I was bullied at school and would really appreciate it if someone apologised to me.

Do it, but don't ask for or expect a response. Be prepared for her to say fuck off and if she does, don't reply.

[Petrichor11]

I think you should leave it. It’s about making you feel better, not her, which is fundamentally selfish (though I understand why you would want to)

Write a letter saying everything you want to say to her but burn or shred it, don’t send it. And give yourself permission to get over it and forgive yourself

[JRUIN]

I'd appreciate an apology if I were her OP. And if the bonus is that it makes you feel better where's the harm?

[SoupDragon]

I see you've decided not to.

My question was going to be : who are you doing it for - you or her? To me it sounded like it was for you which is the wrong reason.

[Pondlife87]

Thanks for all your replies. It really is dividing the room.
I honestly don't think i was anywhere as awful to her as some people on here experienced.
However I think because I don't know her, I will leave it alone as i don't want to drag anything up.
I think partly it is to make me feel better if I'm honest with myself, but it was also really to assure her that she didn't deserve it and it was on me not her. I've had people be awful to me and if they apologised (mostly) I would appreciate it, but I guess everyone is different x

[PumpkinP]

My ex was messaging a girl on Facebook trying to meet up with her (10 years ago now) but I was with him at the time and pregnant. I found out and messaged her to tell her I was his girlfriend and pregnant with his baby. (I wouldn’t do this now I was 20!) well she was vile to me and threatened to kill my baby and wished the baby dead and said she would beat me up! If she messaged me now I wouldn’t appreciate it, some things are best left alone.

[Urkiddingright]

After 15 years, no I really wouldn’t. She probably doesn’t remember you and would find this really weird.

[MRex]

She might just worry that you're going to start all over again. If you happened to bump into her then you could say "Hi, I'm sorry I was so awful to you back in the day.", but don't start chatting out of the blue because that's weird.

[MrsJasonIsbell]

*he not her

[MrsJasonIsbell]

A few years ago I got a message like this from an ex - I assumed her was in therapy! I ignored and deleted it as, after what he did to me, I didn't want to give him the pleasure of a get out just because he'd typed a message into messenger.
Although i found it kinda pleasing that he was still thinking about something I'd dealt with years before.

[AliceAbsolum]

Absolutely yes. It's important to make amends. If it doesn't go well at least you tried

[eatyourcake]

There is such a thing as closure, and some people need it. I will always wonder why some people treated me the way they did, about 10 years ago. It still plays on my mind every once in a while, and I wonder if they care or regret their actions. Their actions affected my ability to make new friends and I have major trust issues. I would 100% appreciate an apology, so I can finally stop thinking about it and let go. Some people forget, some don't, we're all different and it's never too late to apologise.

[Abelino]

I'd leave it, it's your cross to bear unfortunately. She'd probably just think you're going to start trying to sell her MLM tat anyway.

[74NewStreet]

God, no. Tracking her down 15 years later (even if it is just via social media) looks stalkerish and obsessive.
She’s probably forgotten all about you and won’t appreciate being reminded.

[PhilCornwall1]

Ate you just apologising to make yourself feel better? If so, leave it, because it's for the wrong reason.

If you did and you got a "fuck off" or something similar back, what's next for you? It certainly won't make you feel any better will it.

[Aridane]

Leave it - will look like psycho bitch has come back!

[viccat]

Don't do it.

Chances are she might not even remember it that well after all that time and that it was much more significant to you than it was to her. Either way she will have moved on and it seems unfair to drag up the past even if your intentions are good.

[amusedbush]

I was horribly bullied by a girl 15ish years ago. She really tormented me, physically and verbally assaulted me numerous times over the course of two years, and I was terrified to leave my house. My hair started falling out with the stress.

I would appreciate it if she reached out and apologised now. As an aside, she is actually in a relationship with my SIL's brother and my SIL tells me that she does acknowledge what she put me through, but she has never reached out to me.

[fluffysocksgoodbookwine]

I wouldn't do it OP.

I was horribly bullied at primary school over a period of several years. A couple of years ago, some 30 years later, one of the bullies contacted me to apologise. Said her own DC had been having some problems and it had made her realise how awful she had been, and she was very sorry for her part in it.

I would have thought I'd have found it helpful, gained closure, as people have said, but it didn't. I felt thrown back into being that frightened, shamed 8 year old, and felt really low and anxious for a few weeks. It dragged up a lot of old feelings. I felt angry that she had contacted me to make herself feel better, with little though about the impact on me. I didn't respond, as I didn't feel I had anything nice to say, so better not to say anything.

You were a different person then. Forgive yourself, but don't involve her in it. There's no need, and you may drag up very painful memories that for her are best left alone.

[Seaandsand83]

I would OP and hopefully it will give you some closure if nothing else

[BlueEyedGreeness]

On second thoughts there is someone who tried their best to destroy my life 10 years ago and I wouldn't accept an apology now.
Maybe write the letter and burn it as a symbolic way of moving on?

[Jayaywhynot]

I had a friend, 25 years ago, our kids played together, we worked together, we babysat for each other. One night at hers she got very drunk, I went home, no drama but I never heard from her again. Turns out she had accused me of fancying her bf and that I had drugged her so I could have my wicked way with him. Unbelievable as this bloke had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I was so hurt, she wouldn't take my calls and I never saw her again, my sister recently saw her at a do and sent me a photo of them together wierd.
Anyway, I bumped into her for the 1st time just before xmas and she spoke to me like nothing had happened, I was taken aback. I then received a fb message apologising for her behaviour, it took me a couple of days to compose a reply but I finally got to have my say, I wasn't nasty but I got point across and tbh it was liberating even after all this time. If I was you I'd reach out and apologise

[TheOrigRightsofwomen]

I received an apology many, many years after an event. She had been feeling bad about it for years (not all the time obv) and I appreciated her apology. Turns out it was something I hadn't taken to heart so it had a good ending.

[Jellybeansincognito]

I think you should.
Apologises always mean a lot.