To be utterly pissed off at my MIL

[imdoingthisagain]

MIL is always turning up unannounced. I'm talking every couple of days and always at the worst times (when we're having tea, when we're trying to put DS to bed, when we've only just got in from work etc).

Today though she really pissed me off. DS was napping in his bouncer, he's been really grouchy all morning because he's tired so thought great, we have some quiet time whilst he's asleep.

Next minute MIL knocks loudly on the door, thus waking DS up from his nap. He's now in an even worse mood before because he was woken up after a short time.

AIBU to be really angry at this? I've had enough of my house not feeling like my own; it's like none of DHs family can bare to be away for more than a couple of days. It's not difficult to send a quick message before hand to ask if it's an appropriate time to visit!

[NoSauce]

It’s always best to tell the person that’s pissing you off to give them the chance to put it right!

Never understand the women on here who don’t.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

” Don’t be silly. People don’t post when they don’t have issues with their mil, husband, Sil, best friend, etc. What would be the point. I get bored of the accusations that Mumsnet has a problem with mils.”

Abso-bloody-lutely spot on, @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily!

[Lexplorer]

Just in the interests of clarity. If he is your boyfriend, she is not your mother in law.

It's clear enough what op meant.

[Limensoda]

This is the way your boyfriend's family are. People behave the way you allow them to. Stop wishing she would stop it and deal with it fgs!
Your boyfriend doesn't mind his mother doing this,...you do, so as an adult you should be able to tell her you don't like it, or ask her to call first because it's not always convenient.
There doesn't have to be a drama. You can tell her nicely but if she gets upset or annoyed, that's not your problem.
I never understand why some people expect everyone to think the way they do.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Don’t be silly. People don’t post when they don’t have issues with their mil, husband, Sil, best friend, etc. What would be the point. I get bored of the accusations that Mumsnet has a problem with mils. My mil was wonderful, but I still wouldn’t have wanted her or anyone else just turning up on a regular basis.

[Grandmi]

What is it about MN that provokes such outrage toward MIL !! Maybe just treat her like a human being and politely ask her to call first before visiting...it’s that easy !! .

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

That's family life. You are just tired, you will get used to it after a few years, like a pair of shoes that pinch you at first and then you grow to love them.
It will be ok

Why the hell should the OP have to get used to it? Why can’t the mil learn to respect the OP’s right to peace and quiet. It’s more likely that the OP will, understandably get frustrated with her ineffectual BF and inconsiderate mil and unhappy if they don’t wise up.

[ArkAtEee]

I removed our door knocker when we had a baby because it was so bloody noisy. Oddly, these days when I work from home we get hardly any callers, but there used to always be someone at an inconvenient time.

[ILearnedItFromABook]

If your boyfriend doesn't see a problem with it (and apparently doesn't care that it's bothering you), that makes things more difficult (since ideally it should be up to him to deal with touchy subjects with his own family). However, the solution is the same no matter who has to implement it. Someone has to tell her that your son is going through a difficult time with sleep, etc., and you need visitors to text or call to check that it's a good time for visiting.

(Obviously it's not just a matter of your son's sleep, but that's an easier approach than a more honest, "I need privacy in my home, and your habit of turning up unannounced is driving me crazy!")

It might make things a bit awkward for a while, but it's either that or hope she just picks up on your clues that you're not happy to see her-- and that doesn't seem likely to happen!

[Blossie0]

My mil was the same . When I was heavily pregnant she was turning up a lot, one time she messaged saying where are you i'm knocking on your door and you aren't answering - I'd gone on a long walk to try and get labour started so I snapped and told her she had to text first - every time. My Dh has also had to have the conversation with her. She is much better now, slips up every now and again, in which case I don't answer the door. Sometimes if I've had a bad night with the baby I might stay in pjs and my lounge my be a bit messy, I don't want any one judging that. Sometimes she will text 3 or four days in a row about popping in which still drives me nuts but is better then her being on my doorstep. At the start of the week I try and get in and text her first inviting her for coffee or to do something so I know I can relax the rest of the week and not worry about texts or visits. I know she doesn't mean any harm she often has a little toy or something for the baby but she has to respect it's my household and I don't run it open door.

[3luckystars]

That's family life. You are just tired, you will get used to it after a few years, like a pair of shoes that pinch you at first and then you grow to love them.
It will be ok

[BertrandRussell]

Families have different ways of doing things. Sounds like dh comes from a dropping in family. You need to talk about it- she won’t know you don't like it if you haven’t told her.

[NoSauce]

Right, do you don’t want her turning up unannounced, but you won’t say anything to her?

How do you think you’re ever going to resolve this then???

Talk to her fgs.

She obviously is blissfully unaware there’s a problem BECAUSE NOBODY HAS SAID OTHERWISE!!

[endlessstrife]

Of course this isn’t right, and she shouldn’t need telling, this is blatant abuse of your privacy. I remember my dad once trying to walk in the front door, expecting it to be unlocked, and being surprised when it wasn’t! I’m a grandparent now and would NEVER just turn up at any of my children’s houses without checking first. Your MIL knows that I can assure you, but her son is weak, so she knows she can get away with it. Just in case she is completely oblivious though, please have a conversation with her, she’ll only get worse.

[CrossingTheAlpsInOtley]

Just in the interests of clarity. If he is your boyfriend, she is not your mother in law.

Too many women think they are in a legal relationship until the time comes to break up and they find they aren't.

I get that you might have said it for shorthand but it perpetuates the myth that some have that living with their boyfriend, without benefit of marriage or civil partnership, is pseudo legal.

Anyway, just tell your boyfriend that his mum is adding extra pressure to your life at a time when it is least helpful.

[FrostythefeckinSnowman]

I’m a MIL and I wouldn’t dream of dropping in uninvited as I think it’s rude but if she does this ordinarily, you really need to re-set some boundaries with her.

Just say very clearly that popping in doesn’t work for you anymore with the baby and that you’re telling everyone that they need to call you in advance to see if it’s convenient to visit.

Make it about the popping in rather than about her, iyswim.

[Ihavethefinalsleigh]

You need to get your DP onside with this. I totally agree that your MIL is being unreasonable. She needs to be told by your DP.

[TantieTowie]

IME - and my MIL lives very close by - you just have to tell her. Decide how you want it to be and let her know. Set boundaries. She may be a bit fed up short-term but you’ll feel more kindly towards her long-term so it’s a win win. Maybe let your OH know in advance but don’t leave it down to him. Then she’ll be clear what you mean.

[Molly2016]

I hate it when people ‘pop by’.
I have 2 small children. I’d like prior warning so I can run around picking up as much as I can, give the toilet and sink and quick wipe, glance in the mirror etc.
When DD was a baby my in laws would use their key to let themselves in because “they didn’t want to peer through the window in case I was breastfeeding and they didn’t want to ring the bell in case they woke the baby”.
I had to get DH to have a word after I was napping on the sofa, they let themselves in and in my sleepy haze thought it was a burglar. Scared the shit out of me.
They got better but still do it now on occasion (5 years later). Last week my DD was off school sick and we were resting upstairs. I heard them open the door, walk into the kitchen and put the kettle on before coming upstairs to see where we were.
It still annoys me and I find it hard to relax if I’m at home during the day.
My only advice to you if DH is not onside is to stop opening the door.

[ACouchOfOnesOwn]

When would be appropriate? Because so far you've ruled out: when DS is having an unscheduled nap; when you're eating (so breakfast/lunch/dinner) ; when you're back from work (so early evening). Presumably, you'll also add not at bath time or bed time.

By my reckoning there's no time where you'd consider it appropriate, and that's the problem.

If you'd commit to a time that would suit, then you can tell everyone that time ie 'we'll probably be out at appointments/classes but can guarantee we'll be in at 3pm'.

[HolyMilkBoobiesBatman]

It’s annoying BF sure, but I think you’re blowing this out of proportion somewhat.
Just say to her it would be better if she text you before dropping by so you can let her know if you’re around or not. Or just let her drop by and tell her if it’s not convenient. You don’t HAVE to invite her in every time if it’s not a good time for you.

As far as the knocking on the door today goes; frustrating for sure but it could have just as easily been a delivery driver etc, would you begrudge then knocking on your door too?

[Mamabear88]

YANBU, that would also annoy me and quite rightly so. But I think because she's clearly done it numerous times before and neither of you have said anything she doesn't think it's a problem and will continue to do it until something is said. You need to mention it to her sooner rather than later to put a stop to it. Text message is fine if you feel awkward saying in person.

[LL83]

I don't mind close family dropping in, many dont. Until you tell her it is an issue she wont know.
Also if your dh is there and likes the visits then you have to come to a compromise, not sure what though.

[GreenTulips]

If you DP is happy then there isn't much you can do. Some families are like that - dropping in and being welcome

He’s probably at work!

[TheGardenFairy]

Is there a reason you haven't taken this up with your in laws, instead of posting on SM?

"Can you let us know when you'll be calling so we can leave the door open for you please? Baby is very grumpy if he's woken by the doorbell" or some such explanation will suffice.