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AIBU?

AIBU to ask for her number?

62 replies

amIaweirdo · 15/12/2019 11:30

The children are at ex’s house, he just told me he left them with his partner whom I’ve never met and he won’t be home until in the evening. He comes on WhatsApp when he can, WIBU to ask for his partners number so I can ask how the children are etc? Tell her to take DS nappy off when he wakes up, I know this is obvious but there’s times when he dropped the kids off Sunday lunchtime and DS is still wearing his pull up from the night before Am I weird for asking for her number even though I’ve never met her?

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YappityYapYap · 15/12/2019 12:18

A pull up from the night before left on until lunchtime? 🤮. The poor boys bum will end up red raw. You need to be saying to your ex that it's unacceptable to leave a child in a pull up for that long

BackforGood · 15/12/2019 12:21

What MyNewBear said.
When your dc are with their Dad, they are his responsibility. It is his judgement call who he lets look after them.
You need to trust him unless you have any evidence that they are being neglected.

You could offer her your phone number, with a card thanking her for helping to care for them - as suggested by Idiot in the 2nd reply.

They are hardly newborns, and can tell her things themselves presumably if there were an issue.

Bebby80 · 15/12/2019 12:21

It’s absolutely fine for you to want her number. She should also have yours in case of emergency if she can’t contact your ex. Ask your ex when he drops the dc off for her number and ask him to give yours to her. Do not go and pick them up though. The kids like her and your ex trusts her enough to leave them kids there all day. Enjoy your child-free afternoon and relax!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/12/2019 12:27

You can't go and get them, and to be honest, it probably won't be the only time that she's looked after them if she's having them all day, she'll probably have wanted to have them for a few hours first to see how it goes!

But would like to remind her to take his nappy off, ask what they're eating/doing/how they are.

And with the best will in the world, that might come off strangely and she may very well not respond until he's home to talk to.

Idiots suggestions were great. Your kids know her; she's been around for a year. Leave it for today, he'll be home later to get an update on the kids, and you can use Christmas as an excuse to give your number and "make friends" if you want to.

wellthatwasthat · 15/12/2019 12:29

I doubt that she is all that thrilled that he's buggered off out for the day and left her to look after all his dc.

Does she have your number as an emergency contact? She needs it really doesn't she - in case she can't get hold of him.

Savingshoes · 15/12/2019 12:29

"Okay thanks for letting me know. You're welcome to pass on my number to her if she hasn't already got it. Let her know that she's welcome to message me about the children if she can't get hold of you."

LolaDabestest · 15/12/2019 12:54

How would no one be bothered by this?!

Skyechasemarshalontheway · 15/12/2019 12:59

He's been with her over a year I wouldn't go.

Those who say she may be upset having to babysit. Equally she may not be. It's the 2nd weekend before Christmas she may be sorting a gift whilst he's at work from them or having fun in other ways.

My own husbands working today so I am doing that with my kids. Letting them make things to give to him.

rwalker · 15/12/2019 13:10

I get here you are coming form but I'd let it go. They know her but also if you got someone to baby sit for you would you give there number to him .

Confusedbeetle · 15/12/2019 13:12

Perhaps you should get to know her, meet in person

Loveislandaddict · 15/12/2019 13:15

They’ve been together for a year. I’m guessing it’s not the first time she has looked after them.

Maybe send a text along the lines of Savingshoes above. It’s friendly and opens up the channels if she needsto contact you.

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2019 13:22

If the kids like her and all has gone OK so far I would attempt to make friends with her and take it from there.

I'd also teach the three year old to take off his or her own pull ups and encourage the older kids to ask the young one once up to ensure pull ups are off.

Agree with Wakaranaihito "I'd ask for her number and also for him to give her yours at the same time. In the spirit of cooperation it is best to do this like it is a normal thing." and "Starting off open handed is always a good idea. Assume the best, prepare for the worst."

HaileySherman · 15/12/2019 13:27

Maybe offer your ex your number to give her as a backup if she wants? It's his decision I'd say if you normally find him trustworthy then no reason to not trust this decision of his. Also, she's obviously not a flavor of the month if they've been together over a year. If it is really bothersome to you maybevtry to get right of first refusal in your custody agreement.

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2019 13:28

"I know this is obvious but there’s times when he dropped the kids off Sunday lunchtime and DS is still wearing his pull up from the night before" So it sounds like it is your ex who is forgetting to take the child's pull ups off. It sounds like he is the one with the lack of parenting skills, which is very sad.

Betterbegoing "Why do you need to ask what they’re eating, and how they’re doing? You know that it’s highly likely they’re absolutely fine, as they would be if their dad was there..." I do think this is a big assumption, both that she knows how to care for them well and that the OP's ex does. After all it was the ex who left the pull ups on all morning.

However, I agree that it is best to make friends with her and work with her and hopefully the kids can tell you what they ate while there. I don't think you are wrong, OP for caring what they eat and feeling concerned.

Personally, i thin if he has left the three young kids with her and gone off for the day a year into their relationship she may at some point work out he is a bit of a waste of space and exit the relationship, but I am guessing he is very charming and she will put up with this!

Menora · 15/12/2019 13:31

I do understand but I think asking how they are and what they are eating is OTT. Unless he doesn’t feed them and they are being neglected? Is the nappy once or all the time? I would text HIM and ask him to ensure the nappy is changed

ColaFreezePop · 15/12/2019 13:34

@LolaDabestest They may be bothered but as the law stands it recognises that both parents are individually capable of choosing decent child care and baby sitters for their children. If the OP goes round to her ex's home to take their joint children, who have known the gf for a year, she is opening herself up to a shitstorm.

Apolloanddaphne · 15/12/2019 13:35

This is his partner of a year, who the DC know and like, not some random woman they have never met before. I am sure she knows what they like to eat etc. They are old enough to tell you what sort of day they had with her when they get home. Just leave it be.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2019 13:40

I think the suggestion to pass your number on to her is a good one. She may be fine with watching the DC by herself all day, she may not be. I wouldn't, and that's why I never dated a man with children.

If the little one is in a pull up because he still wets at night then leaving him in a wet pull up is awful. But if it's just a 'safety measure', him having a dry pull up on isn't really going to hurt anything.

Anotheruser02 · 15/12/2019 13:48

How many days do they spend with him? If EOW then that's a bit crap to fuck of for a whole day whatever the 'rules' are on who can choose childcare, if 50 50 I could understand it's one day in their lives not necessarily a special thing. In his position I would offer to swap with ds's Dad before asking anyone to babysit, especially on the weekend when kids are at school the next day he would appreciate it more than someone who was willing to help out.

movingdilemma1234 · 15/12/2019 13:55

Am I the only one who would want to meet a person who was providing intimate care for my child? Childminders / nursery staff and teachers are dbs checked. How can your ex go off for a day and leave three small children with someone he's known a year? And more fool her, to be spending her Sunday looking after someone elses children all day.
I wonder if he'd be happy if you left the children alone for the day with a man he hadn't met and who would be needing to provide personal care to your children

IdiotInDisguise · 15/12/2019 13:56

Kids do not live in a vacuum, they also need to form attachments and relationships with the people on dad’s life.

I agree that contact is for the parent to have time with his kids and that it is not on for him to disappear for the whole day, but we do not know why this is happening, may be work related rather than going to the football with the lads. Offering to babysit is a nice gesture but at the same time, it blurs the lines on the arrangement on when contact takes place and can be conductive to reduced contact times in the short or long run.

Besides, OP also needs time to catch up with stuff while the children are away. It is difficult to manage well when you have little or no respite.

Bluerussian · 15/12/2019 13:57

YappityYapYap Sun 15-Dec-19 12:18:56
A pull up from the night before left on until lunchtime? 🤮. The poor boys bum will end up red raw. You need to be saying to your ex that it's unacceptable to leave a child in a pull up for that long
.......
The op didn't say it was wet! The boy is three and probably wears one at night just in case he has an accident. If the pull up had been wet no doubt he would have told his dad and he'd have changed it. Dad probably checked it anyway.

AmIaweirdo, if the pull up business is the only problem you've encountered (& why you didn't mention it to your ex at the time I do not know), I think you don't have anything to worry about. It would, however, be a good thing to ask for the girlfriend's number in case an emergency occurs, eg you break your ankle or your car breaks down miles away. I presume she has yours for same reason.

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WorraLiberty · 15/12/2019 13:57

Wtf I'd be fuming about this and go and collect them! You don't know who the fuck she is! He's acted irresponsibly and tbh he is meant to be spending time with his kids not dumping them on her.

Errr yes she does know who she is

carly2803 · 15/12/2019 14:40

im going to be honest, i would not be amused him leaving them with his girlfriend, who you have never met,and pisses off out for the day

a few hours/couple of hours is different to the entire day.

it is your business, they are your kids too, how would he feel if you left with your BF and went out for the day? I bet he wouldnt be happy about that!

NerrSnerr · 15/12/2019 15:01

I'm assuming the OP can leave the children with her friends and family without their dad knowing their number and vetting them first? Same should apply the other way.

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