AIBU to ask for her number?

[amIaweirdo]

The children are at ex’s house, he just told me he left them with his partner whom I’ve never met and he won’t be home until in the evening. He comes on WhatsApp when he can, WIBU to ask for his partners number so I can ask how the children are etc? Tell her to take DS nappy off when he wakes up, I know this is obvious but there’s times when he dropped the kids off Sunday lunchtime and DS is still wearing his pull up from the night before Am I weird for asking for her number even though I’ve never met her?

[Imworthit]

A year ago wtf 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Imworthit]

Give your eldest a cheap phone and when you call to say goodnight or whatever ask them to let you speak to stepmum. It's up to her if she takes it.

[Pyewhacket]

ZOMBIE

[ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore]

There's nothing you can do here if you have an agreement in place. He is their father and he has clearly arranged childcare for when he's busy (working, playing, out), like any responsible parent would. That's all he has to say to a court, too!

[Storyoftonight]

Ah sorry - missed that this is a zombie !

[Storyoftonight]

@Betterbegoing

I think, gently, yea, ywbu. He is their parent too, and what happens on his time is, within reason of course, up to him.

Meaning because it's his time he can leave the kids with his girlfriend who OP doesn't know and has never met ?

[Redglitter]

Since the weekend was NEARLY A YEAR AGO the situation is probably resolved.

Seriously how on earth do people find these threads to randomly resurrect them 🙄

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

You need to tell him.

She is looking after the kids in his time, it would be pretty offensive for you to start texting her with instructions on how to do various tasks and issue reminders.

How would you feel if you chose a babysitter and he demanded numbers and texted instructions on your time?

[MeridianB]

How often has/does this happen? The whole day thing? If it’s a one-off then I’d leave it but doing this regularly completely defeats the object of contact.

Definitively speak to your ex about the pull-up and perhaps your older children could shame him into ‘remembering’.

Totally fine to suggest a brief meeting with her - maybe at drop off/collection.

[DianaT1969]

Let's say the OP remarried. If the father wanted to pass on instructions about the children, he would do it to the mother, not the step father who might look after them some days. Anything else would be deemed strange and controlling.

[DianaT1969]

OP, I think you should give clear instructions to your ex only - it is his responsibility that the person he chooses to care for his DC carries them out. Whether that person is a paid carer, relative or girlfriend.

[Newbie1981]

Lol she never suggested going to get them so god knows why everyone is chatting about that!!!

[NerrSnerr]

I'm assuming the OP can leave the children with her friends and family without their dad knowing their number and vetting them first? Same should apply the other way.

[carly2803]

im going to be honest, i would not be amused him leaving them with his girlfriend, who you have never met,and pisses off out for the day

a few hours/couple of hours is different to the entire day.

it is your business, they are your kids too, how would he feel if you left with your BF and went out for the day? I bet he wouldnt be happy about that!

[WorraLiberty]

Wtf I'd be fuming about this and go and collect them! You don't know who the fuck she is! He's acted irresponsibly and tbh he is meant to be spending time with his kids not dumping them on her.

Errr yes she does know who she is

[Bluerussian]

YappityYapYap Sun 15-Dec-19 12:18:56
A pull up from the night before left on until lunchtime? 🤮. The poor boys bum will end up red raw. You need to be saying to your ex that it's unacceptable to leave a child in a pull up for that long
.......
The op didn't say it was wet! The boy is three and probably wears one at night just in case he has an accident. If the pull up had been wet no doubt he would have told his dad and he'd have changed it. Dad probably checked it anyway.

AmIaweirdo, if the pull up business is the only problem you've encountered (& why you didn't mention it to your ex at the time I do not know), I think you don't have anything to worry about. It would, however, be a good thing to ask for the girlfriend's number in case an emergency occurs, eg you break your ankle or your car breaks down miles away. I presume she has yours for same reason.

[IdiotInDisguise]

Kids do not live in a vacuum, they also need to form attachments and relationships with the people on dad’s life.

I agree that contact is for the parent to have time with his kids and that it is not on for him to disappear for the whole day, but we do not know why this is happening, may be work related rather than going to the football with the lads. Offering to babysit is a nice gesture but at the same time, it blurs the lines on the arrangement on when contact takes place and can be conductive to reduced contact times in the short or long run.

Besides, OP also needs time to catch up with stuff while the children are away. It is difficult to manage well when you have little or no respite.

[movingdilemma1234]

Am I the only one who would want to meet a person who was providing intimate care for my child? Childminders / nursery staff and teachers are dbs checked. How can your ex go off for a day and leave three small children with someone he's known a year? And more fool her, to be spending her Sunday looking after someone elses children all day.
I wonder if he'd be happy if you left the children alone for the day with a man he hadn't met and who would be needing to provide personal care to your children

[Anotheruser02]

How many days do they spend with him? If EOW then that's a bit crap to fuck of for a whole day whatever the 'rules' are on who can choose childcare, if 50 50 I could understand it's one day in their lives not necessarily a special thing. In his position I would offer to swap with ds's Dad before asking anyone to babysit, especially on the weekend when kids are at school the next day he would appreciate it more than someone who was willing to help out.

[YouretheChristmasCarcass]

I think the suggestion to pass your number on to her is a good one. She may be fine with watching the DC by herself all day, she may not be. I wouldn't, and that's why I never dated a man with children.

If the little one is in a pull up because he still wets at night then leaving him in a wet pull up is awful. But if it's just a 'safety measure', him having a dry pull up on isn't really going to hurt anything.

[Apolloanddaphne]

This is his partner of a year, who the DC know and like, not some random woman they have never met before. I am sure she knows what they like to eat etc. They are old enough to tell you what sort of day they had with her when they get home. Just leave it be.

[ColaFreezePop]

@LolaDabestest They may be bothered but as the law stands it recognises that both parents are individually capable of choosing decent child care and baby sitters for their children. If the OP goes round to her ex's home to take their joint children, who have known the gf for a year, she is opening herself up to a shitstorm.

[Menora]

I do understand but I think asking how they are and what they are eating is OTT. Unless he doesn’t feed them and they are being neglected? Is the nappy once or all the time? I would text HIM and ask him to ensure the nappy is changed

[Italiangreyhound]

"I know this is obvious but there’s times when he dropped the kids off Sunday lunchtime and DS is still wearing his pull up from the night before" So it sounds like it is your ex who is forgetting to take the child's pull ups off. It sounds like he is the one with the lack of parenting skills, which is very sad.

Betterbegoing "Why do you need to ask what they’re eating, and how they’re doing? You know that it’s highly likely they’re absolutely fine, as they would be if their dad was there..." I do think this is a big assumption, both that she knows how to care for them well and that the OP's ex does. After all it was the ex who left the pull ups on all morning.

However, I agree that it is best to make friends with her and work with her and hopefully the kids can tell you what they ate while there. I don't think you are wrong, OP for caring what they eat and feeling concerned.

Personally, i thin if he has left the three young kids with her and gone off for the day a year into their relationship she may at some point work out he is a bit of a waste of space and exit the relationship, but I am guessing he is very charming and she will put up with this!

[HaileySherman]

Maybe offer your ex your number to give her as a backup if she wants? It's his decision I'd say if you normally find him trustworthy then no reason to not trust this decision of his. Also, she's obviously not a flavor of the month if they've been together over a year. If it is really bothersome to you maybevtry to get right of first refusal in your custody agreement.