To want to send my kids to private school even though I can’t afford it?

[Hollyivywillow]

Obviously I’m being hugely unreasonable!

I HATED school, especially secondary. I work in one now.

I am officially opposed to private schools. Yet I love the uniform and the grounds and the trips ...

It’s a crazy dream ...

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

My understanding of Bursaries and ‘means testing’ (sorry should have included this in my first comment). Is that it works very well for those on low income/benefits and does make private education accessible.

However, if you and your partner are earning a ‘decent’ wage - (£40-50K+ combined) and own a decent family home/cars...etc yes you may have nothing spare at the end of the month but they would consider your lifestyle a choice! If you ‘could’ downgrade to a 2 bed flat/cheaper cars and manage the fees then they’ll expect you to do that!

In my (limited) experience private education is ‘accessible’ to high earners and low earners but not easy for middle earners!

^ I would LOVE to know if this is different at different schools

[ferretface]

Bursaries aren't that easy to come by depending on the school. My parents were on quite a low income and I didn't qualify for one based on my entrance exam although I know there were students at the school who did. Hard to tell if they were purely based on means or a combination of means/merit. It probably varies by school.

I did get a scholarship/bursary for sixth form but my parents had to request it because they were struggling with the fees. And I had straight A* at GCSE and got one of those letters saying you were in the top 5 in the country for a subject. It wasn't a full scholarship either! Maybe the school was tight...It wasn't a really posh private school, there were definitely people there with money but it wasn't straw boaters and lacrosse etc.

Private school definitely opened up a lot of opportunities to me that wouldn't have been available at a state school - I did more than the usual number of A levels because they were willing to be flexible with class timetables and I was also funded to study in the States for a year as a kind of gap year. So it was definitely a very good experience for me but my parents really had to graft to make it happen and the fees really put them under a lot of financial pressure for a number of years.

[Hollyivywillow]

I’d agree.

It’s difficult, though, when you’ve had a bad experience yourself

[BadSun]

AthollPlace

I get that you had a bad experience at a bad state school, but I think you have a romanticised view of private schools.

At mine there were plenty of people having sex, a LOT of drug-taking, and a lot of bullying. I would say a "decent" state school, rather than a rough inner-city one like you described, is not that different to a private school in those regards. So if those are the main reasons to want to send your child to private school, it probably isn't worth the money.

[AthollPlace]

I will be trying to use private school for my 2 DC for secondary
Private secondary is the most important. At primary school the kids aren’t old enough for real trouble like sex, drink and drugs. They don’t really bully to an extreme either - their physical strength and access to social media is limited, and parents pick them up at the gate and arrange playdates so there’s not really much bullying outside of school. They’re still mostly in the “let’s all be friends” stage. Most of the kids who commit suicide through bullying are teens, so that’s the vital time to separate them from the problem kids in state schools, either by home educating or sending them to private secondary school.

[yoursworried]

I agree with @Athollplace to a degree. I'm a secondary teacher and have worked 6 years in a supposedly good state school and 6 years in 2 different independent schools. First indie was non selective but it was so much better because disruption is minimal. Private school problem kids are a million miles away from the worst kind of disruption you get in state schools - even good ones. The atmosphere is easier to learn in but I agree that you won't necessarily get a better teacher.
I will be trying to use private school for my 2 DC for secondary and I don't care a jot what anyone else thinks - I know schools from the inside and I know where I want my children.

[AthollPlace]

Athollplace - did you go to a private school yourself?
Nope. I went to a rough comprehensive filled with badly behaved deprived kids who were drinking and having sex before they were even teenagers. Every lesson was disrupted and I was bullied for wanting to learn. Lots of them became drug addicts or ended up in jail. I’d much prefer my DC to have a pleasant school experience with nice kids who are likely to be successful in life, and hopefully meet some decent people and be able to make friends.

[NationMcKinley]

@Athollplace - did you go to a private school yourself? I did and I can very much assure you that the “problem” children were still very much still there. They may have been a bit more subtle but they absolutely hadn’t been selected out. I loathed my private school as did a lot of my friends. I was also pretty nastily bullied for quite a while which was throughly ignored. My eldest DC goes to a local comp with a fairly ropey OFSTED. He had some issues with an older child and my God did the school swing into action. It was brilliant.

I know these are just two examples but I think it’s important to stress that in ALL walks of life, both at school and after, we’re going to meet tricky characters.

[AthollPlace]

I’d love to send my DC to private school. It’s not about the education. Private schools are selective so the problem kids are removed, meaning less disruption and a nicer experience with kids who actually want to learn. And by definition the kids have involved parents who care about their education and behaviour. Plus they’re more likely to meet friends who can give them a leg up. I just think it would be a more pleasant environment with less chance of the sort of bullying that’s rife in state schools. Of course I can’t afford it 😩

[HappyDinosaur]

I went to private school and hated it, I would never send my child to one as long as there was a suitable alternative. I appreciate that my parents felt it was best for me, but honestly looking back I can't quite believe what it was like. The sense of entitlement and self importance it instilled in those with the most money was unreal. I'm sure not all schools are the same, but it has very much put me off.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

Besides, state schools do bloody decent trips nowadays. DS's primary does a Chinese exchange! And a family member has been to New York and Tanzania with his state school. When I was at school we got a trip to a theme park.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

YABU. I'd never send mine to private even if I had the money. Completely disagree with them.

[Ibop7]

My daughter was in a private primary school and it is all Very nice , smaller school and class , the atmosphere is calm but the building is vibrant , the communication is fantastic, the staff very friendly and of course can’t do enough to please you . She now is in a Grammar school and the reason being is that The drive and results are that bit better than private senior schools .
You have to really think about the reasons you want your children on a private school because all though the day to day life is lovely please don’t think you’re paying for a superior education because that’s not the case and children will can achieve just as well in a nice states school.

[Whattodoabout]

YABU.

My DH’s parents did this. Between them they earned around 80k which isn’t so insubstantial in the North. They would have lived comfortably had they not sent DH and his sister to private school. It set them back around 40k a year so half of their salary. They went to highly prestigious private schools, perhaps some are cheaper. Anyway, DH couldn’t go on most school trips and didn’t have the latest technology or fancy designer clothing because his parents plainly couldn’t afford it on top of school fees. Had he just gone to state school, he’d have had all of those things and wouldn’t have been known as ‘the poor kid’ (quite the opposite in fact). His peers were rich and often quite snobby, he always felt he didn’t fit in and couldn’t keep up with the Joneses so to speak.

He did well in his exams but he’s pretty clever so same would’ve happened in state school. He didn’t really gain much from private school and has told his parents they shouldn’t have bothered skinting themselves for it. Some weeks they ate beans on toast every night, this was a middle class family with an income of 80k in the 90s ffs. Unnecessary, no idea why they did it.

[Hollyivywillow]

That must be hard, really. We earn closer to 70k between us and so not gonna happen!

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

I know what you mean OP
I hated school. My best (and only) friend in Yr6 went to the gorgeous local private school whilst I was stuck at the notoriously rough comp.
I was REALLY bright and my DM was even approached about full scholarship- but my parents were SOLIDLY working class people and it was a world they didn’t want to enter!

DH and I are now in an off situation where we earn approx £100k between us (probably closer to £125k by time DC go to secondary - but after student/pension/Vat/Ni it’s just about enough to live comfortably in a 4/5 bed home In our area.

It would be VERY tight to send 1DC to private school and impossible to send 2. But we wouldn’t qualify for ‘bursary’ due to our earnings. So unless we want to move our family to a 2 bed flat in order to pay for school - it’s not going to happen

[Hollyivywillow]

Seriously, it won’t be happening. There aren’t an awful lot of private schools where I live in any case. It’s probably an extension of the dream where you have unlimited funds!

[milliefiori]

YANBU. I hated secondary too. And my DC are very happy in a very academic school which is the kind I dreamed of going to as a child. But honestly, the stupid hats and stripy blazers are not what it;s all about. If you pick a school on that basis, there's no guarantee it will be any better than the nearest state school.

imo the only value of private edication is you get to choose the school that suits your DC. The one with the right emphasis on sports/arts/academia, the right discipline and ethos, from laid back to super strict.

In your position, I;d take a look at local private schools and if there;s one you really love, get yoru DC to work hard at everything they can - from school work to any any extra curricular they enjoy and then apply for a bursary. Some private schools will give very very heavily subsidised bursaries, especially to bright children or ones who excel at county level sport. Our school has about 20% of all places heavily subsidised.

[Hollyivywillow]

No, maybe not, but I think they’d still know. Besides, they might not GET a bursary! They aren’t genius children or musical prodigies or anything

[unlimiteddilutingjuice]

I get you OP. Its just a silly daydream.

I also have many reasons not to send a kid to private school. From the ideological (dont agree with it) to the practical (can't afford it).
But when DS was having academic trouble in his state school I did find myself googling..........influenced by the mumsnet chorus of "look into burseries, it can be done"

Well I did look into burseries and (at least where I live) they are all conditional on your kid being good at something, or particularly polished or interviewing well.

If the poor kid was acomplished enough to get help with private school, I'd have no reason to move him from state!
Its "not for the likes of us"

[Beerincomechampagnetastes]

None of my dds friends who’re on bursaries are treated differently. Judgement like that would never happen at a good school with a good ethos.

[Hollyivywillow]

Well, this is it - it’s precisely what I don’t want for them! No, they’ll have to go to the local school and suck it up! I console myself with the fact the local school is better than the one I attended!

[Mummadeeze]

My best friend went to a private girl’s school on a full scholarship and was a real fish out of water and barely made any friends the whole time she was there. Her background and life at home was so different to the other children there it was hard for her to fit in.

[Hollyivywillow]

Private school won’t be happening. Tbh even if I could afford it I’d probably struggle to justify the cost knowing it could also buy a house deposit or put them through university. Pipe dream!

[yoursworried]

You are allowed to fantasise about whatever you like! If you were serious there are means such as bursaries but it is an expensive journey. My kids are at an international private school for free because I work there, but my god the cost of uniform, trips and added extras are something else!
Dream away, nothing wrong with wanting your kids to have great experiences