To feel terribly hurt by this both myself & on behalf of my DS?

[Livingtothefull]

A few weeks ago a cousin of mine whom I was speaking to said 'next time I see you will be at (my sibling's name's) party'. I didn't know what she was talking about but didn't say anything as I assumed would hear in due course - also it was a bit awkward. No date for this party was mentioned.

I didn't hear anything in the interim - then I was speaking to another close relative who said she was 'looking forward to seeing me at the party on Friday'. I said I didn't know anything about it & that I wasn't sure if I could go, she got quite irate with me for suggesting I might not be able to go because of the short notice; 'but we are counting on you being there. Of course you are going'.

I spoke to my other DSis (not the one giving the party - she had been invited sometime ago together with her DC and DH) and said that I hadn't heard any more about it so had assumed I wasn't invited. She just said 'Well I'm not getting involved with that'; this made me think she knew something about the background to this.

Just a bit of context to this - my DS is severely disabled both mentally and physically. To cut a long story short, I often feel he is tolerated rather than truly cherished by my DFamily. That is my perception, I don't know if this is true. But I have had conversations with them before about needing to know about events in advance so that we can prepare DS and also sort out the logistics of getting there.occasions so that DS can be prepared and so we can arrange travel and accessibility.

Either it is assumed that somehow the message would have got to me to come along, or we are not invited - probably because they don't want DS because it is 'not that sort of occasion'. Either option is a bit shit really.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Could the party possibly be adults only? It may he assumes you wouldn’t be able to get care for your son so you were not invited?

[Autumn2019]

I am sorry OP. It's very nasty of them not to have invited you and DS. I can't understand how some people can be so nasty. Your 'DSis' should be ashamed of herself , and your parents should be very ashamed to have brought her up to be so nasty and discriminatory. If it were me i think i would text her on Saturday (the day after the party) and say that I heard from numerous people that she was having party on Friday and hope she had a great time and then go NC thereafter. No contact ever. Don't really need toxic people in ones life- related or not.

[Giraffey1]

I’d text her and say ... hello sis, don’t know what’s going on but various rellies have been talking about a family party and saying they’ll see me there. Have I missed something?

Then wait for a response!

[ConfusedAndStressed95]

Your family are horrible, for doing this. It's a deliberate move because people find people with disabilities to be an inconvenience. You and your son are better off not being in their company if they think so little of him.

I'm autistic and I'm not invited to anything my family do. They've booked several events over christmas with my mum who I was staying with until I found out they'd booked everything for when I'm staying without even mentioning it to me. My mum now feels terrible because she had no idea they'd not asked me and I'm going to be alone over most of the christmas holiday. She offered to speak to them about it but I told her not to bother. Instead I'll be staying with a friend whos dad and sister are also autistic. Where I'll not be the odd one out and where they actually enjoy my company.

[minesagin37]

They are treating you and your child like shit. This is one occasion that you should raise holy hell! Don't be a doormat ffs!

[GorkyMcPorky]

I feel it is for them to reach out to me now, or I will have to massively distance myself.

Make that explicit. Tell her what you've said here. I'm still waiting for my extended family to reach out to me on a different issue but they're too stupid to understand that. She'll need it spelling out.

[CampingItUp]

You don’t want to ask her in case if a fall out....but it is a fall out if you retreat feeling rejected.

I would call her, and say “Two family members have said they will see me on Friday at yours!!! Have I got my diary mixed up or something? “

Because it might have been a genuine mistake: invite for astray, and asking puts you no further back than not asking.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I'd call them out, you've nothing to lose

[EggysMom]

You need to find out whether you were invited or not. It is possible that your sister sent an invitation that has got lost; and any perceived division will turn into a reality when you don't turn up at this party. So give her the benefit of the doubt, say that others have mentioned the party, and ask if you were invited because you've received nothing.

You still don't have to commit to going - if you need more notice because of prepping your child (and I know how that feels!) you can decline, legitimately but personally, on that basis. If your sister wasn't thinking badly of you, she'll understand that the lost invitation = lack of notice = lack of prep time = unable to attend.

[Brefugee]

Gosh families can be shits.
TBH you are already feeling left out, so why not call your sister and just ask her outright? Have the row if it happens but you will know where you stand.
And if she does say you're not welcome you can tell her what a shit she is and that she needn't bother communicating anything ever again. (and that her attitude is putting other family members in a shit situation to)

And then don't look back. Do you want a person who would treat you like that in your life?

I really don't see why anyone should be diplomatic and kind to people who treat them like this.

[Piffle11]

We have this. 2 DC, elder one with severe ASC. MIL has a large family, and DS1 is often omitted from their numerous events. There's always an excuse, of course, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that they can't be arsed with him. I would never dream of taking him along to something that he wouldn't enjoy, or would actively hate, but an invite to all would be thoughtful. MIL often says 'I'll take DS2 to X's party' - it's like she's forgotten all about DS1. And he's easy going, too … but he's non-verbal (has a communication system, but none of DH's family have bothered to understand it). They dropped him like a ton of bricks aged 3, when ASC was mentioned. I've even had relatives offer to come and pick up DS2 so he can attend their event - because their DC want someone to play with - and not even mention DS1. And MIL wonders why we're not chomping at the bit to socialise with them.

[CampingItUp]

“I really don't see why anyone should be diplomatic and kind to people who treat them like this”

I agree. But it is as well to be sure that they are treating you like this before being undiplomatic.

I know a woman who ruined her friend’s 40th by causing a scene when “discovering” her party, only to find that it was her own lack of attention to her Inbox that was to blame.

[Brefugee]

well, quite, which is why i suggested calling and asking - and then having The Conversation (or row).

But if it looks like a pattern of behaviour (i don't get "but i thought your sister would tell you" when the sister has an invitation straight from the horses mouth and no instruction to pass it on. etc.) it probably is.

Since I stopped tiptoeing around the more toxic members of my extended (in-law) family I feel so much better. Although I realise that not everyone is as "bolshy" as me and can't all do that.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I'd give the benefit of the doubt the first few times but it's harder to do when the bad behaviour keeps happening

[Livingtothefull]

There is some form for this - I have discussed with them that I really need to know about events beforehand, whereas I am generally the last to know. Usually plans are made & then they get round to telling me about them.

Whereas what would be helpful to me is if I was engaged at the start - that I was told 'We are planning a family get together around (date), what can we do to make it easy for DS to attend?' So I would like DS to be at the centre of things, the heart of the family, rather than feeling that DS & I are an afterthought. Am I asking too much? I do appreciate that without 1st hand experience it is hard to know how challenging and tiring it is to get around with a disabled person.

Many of you have said I should speak to Dsis to clarify before making any assumptions, and yes you probably have a point. But it would be so much better if I was contacted first, the confusion must have got back to her. If I don't hear shortly then maybe I will text.

'I know a woman who ruined her friend’s 40th by causing a scene when “discovering” her party' - but I am not going to do anything like that or risk spoiling the occasion. Part of the reason why I am reluctant to contact is that I don't want to cause any drama.

[Blondebakingmumma]

To be honest I don’t expect my kids to be the center of my family get togethers. If my family are planning something and it doesn’t suit my kids’ nap times etc then we don’t go. It’s not always about my kids and What their needs are, so I think it’s a big ask to always be about what suits your son. I apologize if I misread your last post but it does sound like you want your son’s needs to come first.

I totally get that you feel hurt for your son to not feel included in your family, but my kids are often on the sidelines because they are kids not because they have a disability.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Although it doesn’t take much effort to let you know in advance so you can prep your son 🤷‍♀️

[Livingtothefull]

I don't think it is too big an ask to factor in my DS needs into family get togethers. DS is an adult attending adult occasions, his disability is a permanent state of affairs.

This is not about children's nap times it is about thinking about things like accessibility of amenities and loos, about not booking restaurants etc that have steps to the door, or keeping a parking space clear for us. About asking us beforehand if they're not sure what our needs are.

[SnuggyBuggy]

It sounds like they aren't making any effort at all OP and I'm sorry, that's a crap way to treat a family member

[NoSquirrels]

I would not go, I would not contact my sister, I would assume I wasn’t invited and just ignore it.

How fucking hurtful. for you. You’re not asking too much AT ALL. If members of your own family can’t act with compassion and insight around disability then that’s absolutely awful. Shame on them.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Sorry OP, I misread and thought your son was a child 🙈

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you Blondebaking I appreciate that.

I maybe abu (just a bit) but have had to see DS encounter so much prejudice in his life....then when I call it out I am told I am being oversensitive. I want him to be valued for who he is rather than just tolerated....but the willingness to value him is either there or it's not, it can't be forced.

[Blondebakingmumma]

My kids are the centre of my universe. They are my no. 1 Priority in life and I would do anything for them. It must be hard to feel like you need to advocate for your son all the time with specialist help, and school in the past and now to be included in your family.

I suppose the only thing to consider is that he isn’t the center of everyone else’s thoughts. Maybe when organizing a dinner the organizer want to go to a particular venue because it’s the birthday person’s favourite restaurant or cuisine. But what happens if it doesn’t suit your son’s needs (although I imagine most venues need to be disability friendly these days). Would you expect family to change plans so your son can attend or would you be happy for plans to go ahead?

Did you hear from your sis OP?

[Rachelover60]

and for you, Livingtothefull.

I cannot add anything to what has been said but I'm so sorry for you and your son - and I don't think you are being over sensitive.

[MzHz]

You owe it to yourself to ask your sister outright what’s going on.

Only then do you need to think about how you handle it.

The “we don’t wanna get involved” comment leads me to think that they know it’s deliberate, perhaps they suspected you weren’t coming and don’t agree with what your sister’s doing so are flagging it up to you.

If it goes nuclear, that will be because it bloody needed to.