To feel terribly hurt by this both myself & on behalf of my DS?

[Livingtothefull]

A few weeks ago a cousin of mine whom I was speaking to said 'next time I see you will be at (my sibling's name's) party'. I didn't know what she was talking about but didn't say anything as I assumed would hear in due course - also it was a bit awkward. No date for this party was mentioned.

I didn't hear anything in the interim - then I was speaking to another close relative who said she was 'looking forward to seeing me at the party on Friday'. I said I didn't know anything about it & that I wasn't sure if I could go, she got quite irate with me for suggesting I might not be able to go because of the short notice; 'but we are counting on you being there. Of course you are going'.

I spoke to my other DSis (not the one giving the party - she had been invited sometime ago together with her DC and DH) and said that I hadn't heard any more about it so had assumed I wasn't invited. She just said 'Well I'm not getting involved with that'; this made me think she knew something about the background to this.

Just a bit of context to this - my DS is severely disabled both mentally and physically. To cut a long story short, I often feel he is tolerated rather than truly cherished by my DFamily. That is my perception, I don't know if this is true. But I have had conversations with them before about needing to know about events in advance so that we can prepare DS and also sort out the logistics of getting there.occasions so that DS can be prepared and so we can arrange travel and accessibility.

Either it is assumed that somehow the message would have got to me to come along, or we are not invited - probably because they don't want DS because it is 'not that sort of occasion'. Either option is a bit shit really.

[Xenadog]

Bastards. Seriously that is shitty if you have deliberately been left out.

I’m not sure how I’d proceed now. Don’t think I could speak to the sister who is having the party. What about your parents in all of this too?

I’m bloody cross on your behalf.

[Longlongsummer]

I don’t think you can avoid directly asking her. I’d phone her now and get it over with and you can come back on mumsnet for support.

The resentment and not knowing is far more of a rift and will last forever.

If you ask, then you’ll know, and there is an opportunity to talk and hear what she says.

[Queenunikitty]

My sister does this, we have the same cleaner and she asked the other day if I’d enjoyed my dsis’s birthday party. She looked very embarrassed when I said “oh no we wouldn’t be invited to that”. The cleaner repeated but “she said she was having a family party.” Bless her. Best to go low contact and try and move on. I made the decision to stop allowing my family to hurt me anymore a few years ago. for you.

[Cherrysoup]

Don’t add to the drama, just send a non accusatory text asking. I bet otherwise you’ll get feedback afterwards that your invitation must have gone astray or some other bollocks.

[Livingtothefull]

I just don't feel that I want to go now. I have been here before...have explained that I need notice for invites but this still goes on.

[Livingtothefull]

Yes I feel like this Queenunikitty, that I don't want to be hurt any more by being treated and seeing my DS treated, as peripheral...I feel it is for them to reach out to me now, or I will have to massively distance myself.

[adognamedhog]

That's really tough. I know it doesn't help much but it's not about you, it's about them.

[Longlongsummer]

At the very least won’t you send a text saying...
I know this is awkward however I wasn’t sure whether there had been a lost communication about the party and didn’t want to offend. Several people have said that they would see me there. Did you mean to send an invite?

Even if you don’t go I think you need some kind of communication as you will be at risk of looking like you decided to snub it.

[MintyMabel]

It is obvious that my and DS faces don't fit.

You can’t know that if you don’t ask about it.

It’s not uncommon for any of the 3 of my siblings and I to be left out of something my mum is planning on the basis that “I thought I’d told you” or “I thought your sister would tell you”

[coastergirl]

That's awful. I'd send something along the lines of what @DuckbilledSplatterPuff suggested. I struggle with anxiety and my mind would go crazy without knowing the truth though. I'd have to ask, and have to call her out on it too! For what it's worth, there are people in my family with physical and intellectual disabilities, they would never be excluded from family parties. You and your child can come to my family events!

[TheAlternativeTentacle]

'if you are going to have a party and not invite us, at least tell the rest of the family to stop saying they will see us there, yeah?'

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think you do have to speak to your sister. It's already 'awkward' because other family members know about the party and assume you have been invited, so they will wonder where you are. Is your sister so manipulative that she would prefer everyone else to think you are sulking and refusing to come? Or is it, as PP have said, poor organisation and scattiness and everyone assuming someone else has told you about it?

[saraclara]

I think you have to at least speak to your parents. It sounds as though you'll be judged for not caring enough to go, by those who wouldn't for a moment think you'd not be invited (like the second person in your OP).

I would hate that, so I'd want people to know that I hadn't been invited.

[WhentheRabbitsWentWild]

That is so shitty of her ,

I am so sorry OP . How horrible.

[cunningartificer]

If others have mentioned that they’re expecting to see you there, it may be because your sister has told them you’re invited. Unless she has form for this or you’ve fallen out, at least let her know what’s going on. I’d assume a misunderstanding before assuming that your ‘faces don’t fit’.

[TitianaTitsling]

it’s not uncommon for any of the 3 of my siblings and I to be left out of something my mum is planning on the basis that “I thought I’d told you” or “I thought your sister would tell you”. This exactly in my family too!

[ElizaPancakes]

It’s really shitty of your sister - but I’m struggling to understand why you won’t ask her? If she confirms your worst fears, at least you know, and can put up the defences. If she doesn’t, and has a reasonable explanation then great.

She’s your sister.

[Abouttimemum]

I don’t understand why you don’t just speak to them about it to be honest. I find the whole situation quite bizarre. If one of my sisters was hosting something they’d just assume we’d all rock up. One of my sisters has an autistic son. If I didn’t get an invite I’d be texting saying, erm, where’s my invite like? Actually once we all presumed the others had told one of my sisters about a do and nobody had! She ended up finding out the day before and was not best pleased. Nothing sinister going on there.

[Kittenbittenmitten]

I'm really sorry OP. Definitely talk to your sister for clarification. It sounds as though your family could really benefit from taking disability awareness classes. They surely can't mean to come across as this tactless and unempathetic.

[TitianaTitsling]

If you first heard a few weeks ago, why not mention it to someone then?

[DPotter]

I agree with others - even if you don't want to go, you should make contact with either your Dsis or your parents and ask what is going on. Others are clearly expecting you to be there and will make assumptions negative to you if you are not there as they will assume you have been invited - in other words, you need to cover your back. Then you can say all breezy and nonchalantly when asked ' oh we haven't been invited. have a lovely time'.
You mention you ask for notice to prepare for events (fair enough) - and from the sound of it other family members have known about the party for some time so ask what's going on. At least that way you can hold your head up high and say 'fuck you'.

[GiveMeAllTheGin8]

This is awful for you and ds.
I think you should ring your sister and confront her. Terrible way to treat her nephew

[Interestedwoman]

You could ring and ask her, just in case this is just a mistake, and it'll give her a gentle 'nudge' to behave better if it's not an oversight.

Maybe she's not beyond hope.

Either way, this must be nasty for you. Hugs xxxxx

[Pembsgirl]

Hi Livingtothefull

I text my eldest granddaughter (18), at the beginning of the summer to tell her that I'd be going back to my home town to visit during the summer holidays, and to see if she would be available to meet up. She seemed pleased at the thought of seeing me, but then unfortunately I had to change my plans. I'd told her mother, and knew that she'd passed the change of plan on to my youngest GD, but then got a text from eldest GD inviting me out to lunch while I was there. I felt absolutely terrible, as I'd mistakenly assumed that she would have been told too, but she was devastated, as I'd obviously made her feel that she wasn't important enough to be told directly, while all the time she'd been planning to treat me to a special meal out. I will NEVER be this thoughtless again!!

So, just in case your sister has assumed that the rest of the family would have mentioned the party to you, and that you and your son would automatically assume you were invited, I'd give her a ring, send a text or make a point of seeing her, and just ask, at least that way you'll know the truth of the matter, rather than taking umbrage when it could simply be a case of thoughtlessness.

I do hope that that is all it is, and not at all what you believe to be the case, which would be awful.

[vdbfamily]

this could easily be a mistake and easiest way to find that out is for one of your family too check with the cousin. I had to do this recently for a cousins wedding where my younger brother was only sibling not invited. She was fine with him coming but had thought he would not want to add was much younger than her and had not really had much to do with each other. I think it is better to get someone to ask than just assume no one wants you there.