AIBU to think that when I stop breastfeeding has nothing to do with my DH?

[newnewname19]

Our DS is 20 months, he is still breast feeding. He likes a feed when he sees me after work, and before bed. If feeling poorly or teething, then in the night occasionally too.

DH wants a night away from DS, and wants to be able to plan weekends away for just the two of us. He is asking me to stop feeding DS, and keeps saying there's no benefits, just comfort, it's not needed etc.

I don't feel ready to stop. I don't care if DS is only using me as a comfort thing- I'm his mum, and should be used to comfort him. He also gets lots of nutrients through my milk. I said originally I'd like to feed him until he is two ish- then I'll speak to HV about how to wean him off.

Me and DH had a bit of a bicker last night- he thinks I'm being selfish to carry on, and that I'm not thinking about DH and my relationship. I thought he was being selfish for putting his needs of wanting weekends away above the needs and wants of his son.

Meh.

For a bit of context- DS was born a month early, weighed four pounds, and for the last year has measured just below the 25th percentile, so he's a little thing. He wears 12-18 month clothes and they're often too big on him. Another reason I like to feed is because I'm hoping it will help to fatten him up a bit!

[janetforpresident]

Hi OP I have a breastfed dd exactly the same age as your ds. We introduced a cup of cows milk at 1 so that there was something to offer her when I was at worked. She refused and refused for weeks but we persevered and there were a couple of nights where I had to be out for her bedtime with work so DH said he would try and get her to sleep with that cup of milk. Eventually it worked. Now he puts her to bed on his own maybe once every 3 weeks and I go out with friends. My mum has her occasionally for us too and puts her to bed. This has only really started to happen in the last 3/4 months or so. It's because DH was prepared to do some of the legwork. Would your DH be prepared to do a few bedtimes on his own as a first step to your baby getting used to going to sleep without being breastfed? I think it's easier for a child to have daddy rather than going straight to grandparents who he has never stayed with before. It might put your mind at ease as well.

I still breastfeed her every day 3 or sometimes even 4 times by the way so if you are worrying that he will grow out if it then it certainly hasn't happened to us!!

[Spudina]

Your DH is telling you that there is a problem in your marriage. I would listen. I actually don't think he is being unreasonable. He wants to have a relationship with his wife.

[icelander89]

Sorry OP but it kind of sounds like your child is your main priority while your marriage isn’t. I think your DH is right to voice his opinion and I think you should at least take it on board or compromise- it’s his child too.
These kinds of situations are how marriages fall apart after having children because the mothers think they’re in charge of the children 100%. You refusing to do this just for a night or two is basically telling your DH that he’s not a priority at all and it’s all about your kid

[53rdWay]

I'm due any day and already have decided...

I’d perhaps not preach here before you’ve even given birth. You don’t know how you’ll feel or what will work for you, and booking in nights away from a months-old baby may very well feel different now than it does once the baby’s here.

Relationships with the baby’s father are important. But it’s worrying when women are basically lectured about not putting their husbands first in the guise of protecting the marriage. “Don’t martyr yourself for your baby! Martyr yourself for your bloke instead! Or your marriage will be on the rocks!” Decent men will adapt and compromise, not be demanding nights away in a hotel Or Else.

[BeardyButton]

@laguna not breastfeeding may have been the right decision for you. And im really glad your kids turned out great. But anecdotal evidence like this doesnt prove anything. Its akin to saying 'I smoked all my life, Im 90 and fit and healthy, therefore smoking cant be bad'. One persons experience doesnt make for evidence. We need big populations for that.

Are we really saying bf is like being an anti vaxer???

Heres some evidence on bf. I was particularly interested in the social emotional stuff. Some link to negative affect, which interested me. But also link to less aggressive behaviour.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6096620/

Once again. I really am not militantly pro bf. It doesnt always work. And its not always the right choice. In fact, i remember asking a friend, who was clearly having an awful time if it, whether she knew it really was ok not to continue to bf. I was lucky. It worked and it didnt affect my mental health. This isnt always true. But this isnt what we are talking about here. We are talking about a mother who seems to enjoy bf. And extended bf is a good parenting choice, all else being equal. And a night away from her child that she (reasonably imo) doesnt seem to want to go on. And we have posters asking her about her sex life. So yes. It smacks of 'himpathy'.

[Ginger1982]

@BeardyButton you're not militant but you keep pushing links in our faces 🙄

[Veterinari]

Once more @BeardyButton you’re spectacularly missing the point!

No one in this thread has suggested that breastfeeding is not a good thing to do - so your irrelevant study in support of an imaginary argument is irrelevant to the OP’s post, and your persistent judgement of non-breastfeeding posters is quite frankly rude and not in the spirit of this site.

You seem determined to push your own agenda regardless of relevance ti The OP’s situation

[EL8888]

I can see it from both sides. You want to continue and your little boy seems to want to. But your little boy also doesn't need it nutritionally, it's a bonus and he may want it but doesn't need it. Your husband has a right to an opinion and it's impacting on him if there is something he can't do because of it. Some couple time after 2 years would be nice?

@Tinkety all very good point

[Veterinari]

@BeardyButtons
Since you don’t seem to be able to figure out how to tag posters i’ve Only just seen your response to my previous post

You seem unable to differentiate between ’recommendations’ and ‘ideals’

Its not me who is using unpleasant language

And yet you’re The poster who has been asked to stop because you’re making other mothers on this thread feel like shit. Yay! Well done you

But I guess it’s more important for you to be ‘right’ than to be kind and decent. In which case i’m going to bow out because I don’t want to be responsible for you continuing to shove your breastfeeding smugness and unpleasant judgement of other choices at other posters on this thread - So you ‘win’ - congratulations

[BeardyButton]

Just saying what i take the evidence to amount to is militancy? Even when I also say it is not necessarily best in each particular case? One link was correcting a poster on nhs guidance (into second year and beyond is ideal). The other, i noted the evidence on social and emotional was mixed (some neg affect). And yet im militant.

What i am perhaps militant about is supporting op as a mother who wants to bf. Unlike anti vax (the evidence says this is a bad parenting choice), it is a very reasonable choice. She doesnt want to leave the child. I think its right to say she could go, without it meaning the end of bf. Yet she doesnt want to. I wouldnt have either. And instead of supporting her reasonable position, we are asking whether her husband feels cared for, gets enough attention and has regular sex. Note we are not asking whether she could do with a night away. Or if she feels supported by her OH.

The rates of bf in uk are abysmal. Even worse for extended bf. Its really sad, given how benficial it is. I, for one, want to support OP in her bf journey.

OP, if you are still there... Well done for bf this far. I hope you and DH work it out. But please dont feel you owe him unreciprocated care, sex, etc. These things can be tough. But if hes a good DH, he is not going to leave your marriage because you are trying to the kind of mother you want to be. YANBU

[ACertainRation]

Who has the greater need in this situation?

It's not your job to keep your DH happy by having a night away. I expect quite a lot of women feel pressured by their partners to give up BF because their partners are getting antsy.

Full disclosure: I've never had a night away from my two: 6 and 3. 3yo DS2 still BF to sleep. I'll probably jack in the BF soon though, I've been either pregnant or feeding for the last 7 years...

[blackcat86]

You need to shift the focus because this has nothing to do with bf and more to do with self settling. Your DC should be able to self settle at night regardless of you bf so get DH to help you work on this. We used the little ones sleep programme and it was fab. Tell him to stop blaming bf because it has nothing to do with going away at this stage.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I breast fed my first son for 2.5 years and I had been getting "Isn't he a bit too old for that now" comments from my DH for many many months by that point.

We've since had another son who is 22 months old and I still breast feed him too. My husband has started making comments about "being too old for it" but it goes in one ear and straight out the other...

The difference though is that I'm away from home overnight about 1-2 times a night because of my work so my normally "breast fed to sleep" toddler has to manage without me. It isn't the most fun for my DH having to manage the situation but he copes and both he and DS survive.

On the flip side, as a surprise my DH has booked a short trip to Paris for us in August and I'm dreading it a little. We will only be gone for about 72 but I'm really, really not looking forward to being away from my DS that long.

Outwardly I have a smile on my face so I don't appear ungrateful but inside I'm feeling apprehensive.

[BeardyButton]

@Vet you are right. Not so good with tagging.

As far as I can see, there is only one mother asking for support on this thread. I have been trying to support her. The others who didn't for whatever reason bf? I have said over and over how that may very well have been best for them and their babies in their specific circumstances. How is that judging them?

I disagree that ive veen pushing bf and trying to make non bf mothers feel bad. But i do agree w you that i am overzealous on this thread. So ill shush now for a bit and hope OP comes back if she needs/wants to.

[MindatWork]

Sorry to detail the thread but @beardybutton did you really just compare formula feeding to smoking?!!!

I’m sorry but a saying you have a good relationship with your healthy child who happened to be bottle fed is in a different fucking solar system to someone who says they smoked all their life and didn’t get cancer.

That’s a really offensive comparison to make.

OP, if you’re still reading, well done breastfeeding for so long - if you’re not happy leaving him yet, then don’t. However if you’d like him to be able to settle himself without bf to sleep then it may be an idea to get DH to try and put him to bed with a cup of milk.

[BeardyButton]

@Minda. No i didnt. I compared using anecdotal evidence to imply general rules to smoking.

[kidsmakesomuchwashing]

Your DH has no right to ask you to stop BF but he probably does have a right to voice that he would like a bit of time alone with his wife. There's a lot of research about how men often feel side-lined when a baby arrives. He's probably feeling a bit like he would like a bit of time alone with his wife (that's a massive compliment to you). Could DS not have an expressed bottle just for one night?

[BeardyButton]

So, just becuase one person was not harmed by smoking does not mean that, in general smoking isnt harmful. Its a methodologal point. A way of showing that one persons experience isnt good evidence.

[janetforpresident]

But it’s worrying when women are basically lectured about not putting their husbands first in the guise of protecting the marriage. “Don’t martyr yourself for your baby! Martyr yourself for your bloke instead! Or your marriage will be on the rocks!”
So true.

OP would a day out with your DH be a compromise?

[GummyGoddess]

All the posts about mothers putting all their effort into their children so their partner checks out, why is the partner not putting in the same effort? It sounds very much like partners are not equal parents if pp keep saying that the mothers are putting all the effort in while the partner is wanting to get away from the children. The relationship can survive without weekends away.

I have thought of a possible solution while settling DC to sleep. Could you perhaps go on holiday with another couple and child or with family? Then you have time away, someone to babysit in the evenings (alternate if with couple friends) and still on hand if DC needs you. E.g. Center Parcs could have separate villas, then DC stays in the other villa for the night with friends/parents. I wouldn't be 100% happy but that's the compromise I personally would go for if I absolutely had to.

[janetforpresident]

that's the compromise I personally would go for if I absolutely had to

She doesn't absolutely have to. She shouldn't do anything she doesn't feel comfortable with.

[Bluntness100]

“I’d prefer our child get breast milk if possible, how can I support you in making that happen”

Did you actually write that with a straight face? 🤣 i🤣🤣🤣

Op. The majority of posters have it right. Family relationships are a balancing act. Everyone needs to feel loved and included and your marriage is also important.

Why not try to compromise, your child doesn't need the nutriention at this stage and the comfort can be given in other ways, there is no reason why you can't train your child to occasionally take a bottle and not breast feed to sleep, giving you more options. It really isn't either or.

Try to compromise, as in a family all the relarionships are important.

[Tinkety]

OP, are you the poster who just got married one or two weeks ago?

[Pikehau]

I extended bf past with all 3 of mine and managed to get time away. I work late and miss bedtime feeds. Why dont you tryngoing away later in the year for a night when he is 2?? And also sleep in the spare room for a week. I did when I injured myself and ds was 22 months old and was fine.

As for Dh telling u to stop just dont listen

[GummyGoddess]

@janetforpresident I know, I wouldn't want to do it either but I thought it might be a good compromise?