AIBU to think that when I stop breastfeeding has nothing to do with my DH?

[newnewname19]

Our DS is 20 months, he is still breast feeding. He likes a feed when he sees me after work, and before bed. If feeling poorly or teething, then in the night occasionally too.

DH wants a night away from DS, and wants to be able to plan weekends away for just the two of us. He is asking me to stop feeding DS, and keeps saying there's no benefits, just comfort, it's not needed etc.

I don't feel ready to stop. I don't care if DS is only using me as a comfort thing- I'm his mum, and should be used to comfort him. He also gets lots of nutrients through my milk. I said originally I'd like to feed him until he is two ish- then I'll speak to HV about how to wean him off.

Me and DH had a bit of a bicker last night- he thinks I'm being selfish to carry on, and that I'm not thinking about DH and my relationship. I thought he was being selfish for putting his needs of wanting weekends away above the needs and wants of his son.

Meh.

For a bit of context- DS was born a month early, weighed four pounds, and for the last year has measured just below the 25th percentile, so he's a little thing. He wears 12-18 month clothes and they're often too big on him. Another reason I like to feed is because I'm hoping it will help to fatten him up a bit!

[GummyGoddess]

@SilentSister the child only needs such intense input for 3-5 years, what's 3-5 years out of a 50+ year marriage?

[Roomba]

DS2 was still bf at 2 - sometimes multiple times per night as he didn't sleep well and it was the only thing that got him to sleep in

[BeardyButton]

Ah but @gummy have you not considered the poor menz hurtz feels? Those 5yrs of hurtz feels could end an otherwise perfect marriage.

[Thequaffle]

YANBU

[Veterinari]

@BeardyButton
You keep throwing around the NHS and WHO guidance like you believe it’s some kind of evidence-based-law, but don’t seem able to critically evaluate the context of that guidance. Or actually understand that guidance is not equivalent to ‘compulsory’ E.g the global context of the WHO guidelines that I mentioned above, and also the fact the NHS does not actually recommend that babies are breastfed until the age of 2, it simply states that the WHO recommends this, so your confident assertions aren’t quite accurate. www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/benefits-breastfeeding/

You’re coming across as unpleasant and militant, with inaccurate assertions and unpleasant judgements - using terms like ‘coerced’ please explain how the OP who has been breastfeeding for 20 months is being coerced to do anything simply because her DH would like some input into parenting decisions and a night away with his wife. Honestly you sound ludicrous - get a grip!

You may also be interested to note that Dr Max Davie, from the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health, says there is limited evidence of additional nutritional benefit beyond the age of two.

"By the age of two, a child should get all the nutrients required through their diet so there is no additional benefit to breastfeeding over this age."

[Ninkaninus]

Just stop it with that menz claptrap. It makes you look incredibly stupid. My feminist credentials are just fine thanks, and you don’t get to proclaim that you hold a monopoly on caring about women’s issues. People have been perfectly balanced here and have offered their opinions for the OP to weigh up. Nobody has said that the man’s needs or wants should be the only consideration here. A mother does not have to give herself up completely in order to be a good mother, and it is perfectly possible to have a good balance between prioritising one’s children and nurturing one’s intimate relationship and closeness with one’s partner, for the benefit of all* in the unit, including^ the children.

[Cruelstepmother]

How's your sex life, OP? It sounds like your DH has something on his mind and is (wrongly) adducing its cause to your being an extended breastfeeding mother.


Or perhaps rightly, @Jemima232 - I notice OP hasn't answered the question!


OP, is everything in the house BabyBabyBaby and he'd just like a break from it? I mean, like, is every surface covered with nappies and bottles, the cot in your bedroom, everything smelling of baby sick, etc.? Babies are important and special but I hope your DH is, too.

[GummyGoddess]

There's no nutritional benefit, but there are other benefits. E.g. the reasons I will feed as long as possible are because it makes my DC feel secure and relaxed, stops them crying when hurt, widens Eustachian tubes so reducing the risk of ear issues (very important as DH suffered badly as a child), I love the cuddles and also easy to digest when they are unwell and off their food.

Nutrition is not the only point to breastfeeding.

[Ninkaninus]

And hopefully OP will come back to shed a bit more light. I didn’t get the sense that she has any issues with leaving her ds for the night (they have asked parents to do this and it’s the parents who are worried about potential issues with soothing during the night), it sounds as if DH has reacted to DPs worries by saying well if you wean him that shouldn’t be an issue. There is no need to stop breastfeeding, as plenty of people have pointed out.

If I had any inkling that OP was unsure about leaving her child overnight my advice would obviously have been different. Of course it’s not okay for her to feel coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to do. However I’m not getting the sense that she would be the type to be coerced - as evidenced by the title of this thread!

[Xmasbaby11]

Yanbu but I'd hate to be tied to bf so regularly. you're lucky to have the option to go away with your dh and it's nice he wants time together. I'd try my absolute best to drop the bedtime feed.

[Ginger1982]

I think the husband has a right to enquire when he might get a night alone with his wife, but obviously he has expressed this badly. It's obviously up to the OP if and when she wants to stop and if she doesn't want to go away, fine.

But let's not be judgy and turn this into bottle v breast because I couldn't breastfeed beyond the first day and my attachment to my son is perfect thanks very much!

[Ninkaninus]

I’m not interested in a bunfight so I’m going to bow out now, I’ve no interest in arguing with people about very subjective things.

[Iggly]

says there is limited evidence of additional nutritional benefit beyond the age of two

Limited evidence sounds like they haven’t actually conducted any studies - not the same as saying there is no evidence.

Breastfeeding can continue with longer breaks with toddlers. I know, I’ve had nights away and it’s been fine.

The little one will settle fine without his mother there because he knows the grandparents won’t offer boob!

Sometimes mothers can hold their partners at arms length, using the excuse of having to nurture their child, when the reality is that they just don’t want to spend that time away...... I know, I’ve done it myself.

[Strokethefurrywall]

In particular if he has read WHO and NHS guidelines?

Pfft, how many mothers read the WHO or NHS guidelines?? Let's not diss the husband for not doing something that most others don't do either (including mothers).
I bloody didn't and I nursed both my kids.
But I also used my own judgment and common bloody sense and didn't need WHO or NHS to dictate my aims.

The point here is that all OPs husband is doing is asking for some time away where they can be adults, a married couple. Without the distraction of a child who had to be fed to sleep and now apparently won't settle for anyone else.

How about you feed him to sleep at 7pm and then go out to a hotel after that? If you're making excuses why you absolutely can't leave your child with anyone else then think about those and don't use the breastfeeding as a get out clause.

It's perfectly fine not to want to leave your kid but your husband wants to spend time with YOU as a person because he misses YOU. If you are totally wrapped up in your child to the detriment of your marriage then you need to ask why.

[Tinkety]

the child only needs such intense input for 3-5 years, what's 3-5 years out of a 50+ year marriage?

Yes but what usually happens is child number 2 & possibly even number 3 then comes along so 3-5 years potentially becomes 15 years straight of intense child centered input. Realistically what state is the marriage going to be in after 15 years if there is no balance?

I think OP’s post is the backstory that’s often missing from the threads we see from women who complain that their husbands don’t make an effort in their marriage. Sometimes women can focus so intently on their children in the early years that by the time they’re ready to resume working on their marriage, the husbands have checked out.

[SunshineCake]

@happychange - how sad your child never has daddy putting him to bed.

[Mummoomoocow]

My son is 17 months, I still bf and don’t intend to stop anytime soon

If my partner suggested a weekend away I’d be distressed about leaving him without a boob to fall asleep

However, your husband doesn’t feel that connection and he’s yearning for you to come back to him and to revisit what life was like before you had dc. He wants his partner for the night unlike his child’s mother

Could it be true that his communication is poor and he’s trying to tell you he wants things to return to normal because he misses you? Sadly you’ve already said you won’t “return” yet because your response showed your “only priority” is dc (for want of a better way to describe it)

Baby will fall asleep without distress in the care of someone else. Babies sleep in nurseries all the time while when at home with mum refuse to nap in any different circumstances. He will sleep because it’s not the same as you refusing him a boob one night when he knows that’s how it works. He will sleep because the other carer does not boob him so he will not have the expectation of getting one. He will however need more reassurance than ever before when he wakes up at night but he will also fall back to sleep because, as mentioned already, he expects to fall back to sleep but he does not expect his new carer to offer him a boob. He will resist falling asleep initially and quickly accept this change. So long as the carer is consistent in every other way (which might need you to have them present for one night to be physically shadowing how you do everything - from washing their hair to laying them down) and emotionally available to hear his sorrow at night he will be absolutely fine.

Babies need opportunities to emotionally develop and this can be a great one to realise mummy returns, other carers can emotionally support them and boobs aren’t a necessity but a gift from mummy.

[Greggers2017]

I really feel for some dads and partners in these relationships.
I'm due any day and already have decided to express and let Daddy feed her sometimes. He is also going to do the bedtime routine.
We have nights away booked in September and October because we need to be happy parents for the baby. Yes I will be a little babies Mum but my baby needs a happy Mum and dad and if you neglect each other then that is when relationships fall apart.

[BeardyButton]

@vet breast feeding into second year and beyond is ideal.

From nhs website
www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/your-breastfeeding-questions/#how-long-should-i-breastfeed-for

As to your language. Ludicrous. Militant. Get a grip. Its not me who is using unpleasant language.

Limited evidence jst means there is not conclusive evidence. Very interesting studies being done on gut microbiome and immune system benefits. Also, benefits are greater than nutrition.

As to feminism. We jst had someone ask about OPs sex life. For real? This isnt misogynistic?

Actually im not militantly pro bf at all. I am happy I was able to. And i do think the evidencec stacks up in its favour. But it isnt the best in every situation. I have said this more than once.

All im trying to do is defend the OP. She clearly doesnt want to do this. In her place, I wouldnt have wanted it either. I think it is unreasonable of her husband to put her in a position to choose between the kind of mother she wants to be and the kind of wife he wants her to be. This seems misogynistic to me.

[LagunaBubbles]

You couldnt bear to do the thing that most developmental pschys will tell you forms secure attachment?

Well funny enough you don't even need to breastfeed at all to firm secure attachments to your children, I've got 3 and never breastfed once and they've all turned out fine.

[Loopytiles]

YANBU to breastfeed, but IME it’s not good to be feeding DC of that age to sleep, or if no one else can settle DC. With DC1 I found this bad for my health and wellbeing, and my relationship with DH (who was supportive of BFeeding but found it hard to settle DC and I was exhausted and unwell)

I fed DC2 to age 2.5, but with help from DH night weaned at 14 months or so, Dr Jay Gordon method, 3 nights of hell then no feeding in the night. From then onward had overnight trips away with work.

If your H is otherwise reasonable, would listen to his concerns.

[Loopytiles]

If Ds won’t settle for anyone else, that’s something you and DH could work on well before going away.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

*I think it is unreasonable of her husband to put her in a position to choose between the kind of mother she wants to be and the kind of wife he wants her to be.

So are you saying that the father's opinion regarding her "mothering" decisions doesn't matter? If she was an anti-vaxxer and he was concerned about it, that wouldn't matter either, because she's the all-knowing mother?

You seem to be saying that father's opinions aren't as valid as mothers when it comes to parenting and that's a dangerous road to go down for most couples. I agree that he's being a drama queen about "having a night away" but he's allowed to express an opinion about bf and also about their relationship.

I never had to discuss this with DH as both my DC self-weaned around 10-11 months, crawling, walking and creating havoc were far more interesting.

[SoHotADragonRetired]

You might want to avoid confident statements about how you will parent and how you will balance partner and children before your first child even arrives, Greggers, unless you want to be doing a full-body cringe in a few years' time.

[Loopytiles]

A compromise here could be working together, actively trying things to stop feeding at night and DH settling DS much more often. Getting GPs or a sitter to care for DS sometimes, and going for lunch out, a walk or coffee together in the daytime, or a shorter (then longer) evening out.