AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

[GallopingFox]

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

[acomingin]

Jealousy, pure and simple. She sounds an absolute treasure. If you don't appreciate her give up work and look after them yourself.

[AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo]

DD (2) goes to nursery and I love to see and hear about staff there cuddling and kissing her. That’s an environment where they have 6 toddlers in their charge and she might see different staff throughout the day - so far less of an intense bond as 1:1 with a nanny.

Personally, I don’t think the nanny is doing anything wrong and it would be so upsetting to your 2 year old if she suddenly wasn’t allowed cuddles and kisses. I think you need to look inside yourself honestly and ask why this makes you uncomfortable? As PP mentioned, you seem to use a lot of sexualised descriptions for quite normal affection. I often rub DD’s back and feet, especially if I’m trying to encourage her to wind down. If your DC didn’t like it she’d be up and off or batting nanny’s hand away. Or is it an insecurity with you being at work or your relationship with DC?

Think carefully. This may be an employee-employer relationship to you, but to your DC this is their main caregiver. Throwing a spanner in the works at such a critical age for forming social skills could be really harmful to them.

Perhaps focus instead on your own relationship with DC. Eg Have a family tradition that only you do with her like pancakes or swimming on a particular day of the week or a time that is just DC-Mummy time such as you always do bath and bedtime stories.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Tbh if I was your Nanny and you told me off for that, I'd assume you think it's ^inappropriate^ and you were questioning if I was safe to be around children.

Lots of parents don't approve of lip kissing so I think that's literally the only point you could pull her up on.

And agree Re fondling and massaging your child. She's ruffling her hair and giving her feet etc a rub.

If you actually think she has sexual proclivities towards your child you need to report her to the Police

[villainousbroodmare]

Well, well, well. Cold, sour, and jealous enough to hurt this excellent-sounding woman and limit the natural nurturing affection she is showing to your child?

[aprarl]

By all means tell her, so that she can find a less batshit employer!

[crispysausagerolls]

How is this a problem?!?

[Thymeout]

I think you are being VERY unreasonable. Your nanny has been looking after your dc since they were 1 yr old. They're still only just 2. It's lovely for both of them to have a warm, cuddly relationship. I'd be much more concerned if she seemed hands-off and chilly towards them, while they're still so little.

They're your dc, but you're not there for most of the time they're awake. Nanny is doing her best to replicate the maternal affection they'd be getting from you if you were looking after them. That, more than anything else, is what babies and toddlers need from their carer. Your dc wouldn't be as confident and un-clingy if they didn't feel loved and secure in your absence.

I'm sorry, Op, but I agree with pps. You sound jealous and possessive. How would telling her to 'rein it in' help your child?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Op, you say you don’t want to go into why you are off work but I am wondering if it has a bearing on how you’re feeling towards the nanny? Could it be that you are feeling insecure anyway at the moment and so overreacting to normal affection between a nanny and charge?

[Dishwashersaurous]

In this situation the nanny is the primary caregiver in terms of pure childcare hours. Therefore surely it is great that she is really caring and affectionate towards a very very young child

[acalmerfuture]

'Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them'

So your nanny is the primary carer of your child during the week, but you only want your two year old to have the essential security, reassurance and connection that comes from gentle and caring physical content if they have hurt themselves?

That is really wrong of you and really bad for your child.

You seem to have landed a really good nanny. You risk losing her if you say anything. I would be astonishingly offended if I were her.

[pyramidbutterflyfish]

"it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person"

Well yes she most likely does. She is, after all, a nanny. Presumably if she didn't, she'd have got a different job.

We have a nanny who sounds like yours and I can't imagine having the conversation with her you're considering. I recommend a rethink

[yesyesyesmama]

Have a read OP, this might clarify a few things for you. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.todaysparent.com/toddler/toddler-behaviour/is-your-toddler-overly-affectionate/amp/

[JaneEyreAgain]

OP, I want to weigh in on your side here and say that I understand what you are feeling.

The nanny / parent / child relationship is a delicate one from all three corners of the triangle.

Your DC will benefit from the bond they have with you and the physical contact they get from you, which will always be their primary bond. They will also benefit from the bond and physical contact with their nanny.

Our thoughts and beliefs about physical contact are influenced by our relationships with other people, by society and by what we read and hear through other sources. These do not always reflect what is best for our children.

I don't have a conscise way of summarising my anecdote about DS1's nanny and how I really do understand what you are feeling, but I do!!

[Squirl]

The problem with a lot of the people asking if they ABU on here is that they get a hundred people saying yes YABU and explaining why and they only come back with more detail on the situation

[UCOforAC12]

I see my childminder as DD's 'parent in lieu' and part of that is treating her how she treats her own children, cuddles and all.

I thought this thread would be about her not showing your children enough affection not too much! If they're comfortable with it then they're happy which should be your primary aim.

[Foreverexhausted]

I think your nanny sounds lovely and you should be reassured your DC is being well looked after both emotionally and physically HOWEVER, I also completely understand how you feel. You're her mum and you want some exclusivity to all those cuddles and affection shared with your DC. This is exactly the reason I've put my career on hold for a few years and decided to stay at home. I have three pre-schoolers and aside from the astronomical childcare costs, I also don't want to 'miss out' and watch my children share these early years with someone else. Financially we're really struggling and it will take several years to recover from it but that is my choice. Maybe consider going part time if you can?

[Hotpinkparade]

I have been a nanny. One child I looked after (for 7 years) wasn’t that interested in affection so I let her be. Her sibling is very cuddly, and every day at some point I would kiss his head or cheeks, cuddle him, etc etc. Sometimes even kissing his toes. Sometimes he would stick his arms out for a cuddle but often it was initiated by me. I think it made him feel loved, cherished, secure and happy and don’t feel it had any bearing on his (very loving and affectionate) relationship with his mother.

[FireFighter999]

You sound jealous that the nanny is being more affectionate than you. Be grateful she cares about your child as much as you.

[mamaofboyzz]

You are being unreasonable sorry, I would be over the moon that she loved and treated my little ones as her own. I always like it when the nursery staff are affectionate towards my children it shows a genuine connection. Without trying to be rude it sounds as though your jealous and you really should appreciate her

[Mummyshark2019]

I am with the OP here. I would find this very weird and uncomfortable. At nursery they make you sign a form to say if you consent to giving your little one a hug or similar affection if they hurt themselves etc. I guess this should be no different. But even if you did say something now OP, how would you know she'd stop when you return to work?

[mathanxiety]

Yes, you are being very, very unreasonable.

I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give.
To put it very bluntly, you are not there to give the instinctive affection eight hours a day.
The nanny is there when you are not and you are unreasonable to expect a small child to wait for cuddles and physical affection until you are home, or for the nanny to ration it out more, to only offer a cuddle if your DD hurts herself. A child of two needs physical contact.

Your child is confident, which comes from security, which comes from affection from all her caregivers, not just you.

Your nanny sounds ace. Be thankful that your child has someone looking after her who seems to have genuinely bonded with her.

[mamaofboyzz]

And yes I would be happy for nursery staff to kiss my children in fact my little boy always kisses them and I like that they kiss him back

[BedraggledBlitz]

I love that my DS runs in to hug his key worker at nursery. I leave him knowing that someone who loves him is caring for him.

I guess if his key worker lived with us their relationship would be even stronger.

In your shoes I would try to accept it as a lovely thing.

[EmrysAtticus]

It is wonderful that your DC has another person who loves them. As someone who wasn't loved growing up I am thrilled when it is clear that the nursery staff care about my DS. I want him surrounded by as much love as possible.

[SoHotADragonRetired]

This is literally what a nanny is for.

This was my number one criterion for the hiring of a nanny. I wanted someone who would love them. Just love them. My nanny showers my DC in affection and love. She adores them and they her.

You are jealous. You want to deprive your DD of that affection and love because you want it all to yourself. (The nanny enjoys cuddling your child - how could she!) No. Catch yourself on.