AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

[GallopingFox]

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

[1Wanda1]

This is not about your DC's welfare but about your jealousy and perhaps guilt at not being the one who is with your DC all day. If you say something about this to your nanny, you risk depriving your DC of what sounds like a close relationship with someone who loves her.

I say that as a working mum myself. It's hard but if you have to/choose to work, you should be happy to have your DC cared for by someone who truly cares for her.

[TheBigFatMermaid]

I feel for you OP, I really do, but this is the best possible thing for your child.

I get that it's hard, but this is loads better than having a cold and heartless person looking after your child! I would much rather it was someone affectionate caring for my DC.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Your DC is going to be very hurt and confused when he goes to her for a hug and she doesn't respond because she's worried about your reaction.

[RedHelenB]

When choosing a childminder the main thing was the cuddles she gave to her mindees and her manner around them

[AlexaAmbidextra]

You should consider yourself lucky that your child is receiving lots of love and affection. The only thing that needs reining in is your jealousy and resentment.

[Tinkobell]

OP are you physically affectionate with your DC when the nanny is around, and if so, how does the nanny respond? Does she smile and look happy when this happens or does she stomp away?
Is the DC being used as a maternal tug of war between you two women?.....I don't know, that's why I'm asking?

[DwayneDibbly]

@HowardSpring I had a similar jolt recently when I realised my DDs key worker posted a pic of her & DD on the nursery's social media page (totally fine & I signed off on it). My DD looked really happy & content having a hug from this lady. I had a sudden, fierce feeling of jealousy & then realised how lovely it was that she was in a place where people liked her & cared for her.

OP, I understand the jealousy, I think everyone posting here probably does to some extent. But please don't let it ruin your DCs relationship with her nanny. It's horrible sometimes going to work, the feelings of guilt we sometimes experience are perhaps driving all this? Try and take a step back away from your feelings and look at it objectively.

[JassyRadlett]

Jassy, I didn’t say I only wanted her to give affection when I was around. What I am saying is, from what I have seen, it feels a bit OTT. I think we would all accept there is a limit to how physically affectionate people should be with other people’s DC - would you let a nursery worker kiss your child on the lips for example? The question is where is the line. That’s all.

To quote you:

I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much.

You don’t want your daughter to have this form of affection from your nanny - it seems you want it reserved to come from you, and your daughter is not to have it when she’s with the nanny - so quite large parts of her week. Yes, it’s a selfish impulse from you.

I am positive that at some point my son has grabbed a nursery worker by either cheek, smushed their cheeks uncomfortably and planted a huge kiss on their lips. It’s very much his style. But your question is quite telling.

[ukexpatliving]

Have to agree with others.

The nanny is your DCs main carer/spends more awake time with your DC than you do, it's natural to feel jealous.

[LIVIA999]

Also if you mention it- you risk the chance if you mention it that your nanny will be so upset at your suggestion that she reign it in that she decides to leave.
My youngest had a nanny when he was small that he totally adored. He referred to her as mama. She utterly adored him and he her. If he saw her now he wouldn't even know her. The bond between mother and child is so strong you are in no risk of being replaced.
I get it's painful but I'd rather be worried that my nanny was to lovely than worrying she was cold and clinical.

[PriscillaLydiaSellon]

I lived for a while with a family who had a 2 yo DD. I wasn't the DD's nanny, not least as her mum was around most of the time (she also had teenage children). However, I became immensely fond of the 2 yo and she did of me. I would kiss her and cuddle her and lie on the sofa reading to her in the same way I did with my own DC when they were that age. It was a lesson to me in how adoption could work (something I had never been able to countenance before). Her mum was absolutely delighted to have an extra pair of hands and to know that her DD was safe and happy and loved if she needed to go out. If I'd ever needed to use a nanny for my DC, I'd have wanted it to be one who was essentially a 'mum' to them when I couldn't be there.

[ChocChocButtons]

I’ve been a nanny for 15 years and that is exactly how I am with my charges. I suggest a nanny isn’t for you if your too insecure.

[OwnerOfThatChocolateBar]

She is probably her main carer if you've opted for a nanny rather than any other form of childcare. If your not there for kisses and cuddles and you won't allow nanny to be then who is?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I thought the whole point of having a nanny is so that there is one main caregiver while you and your DH are at work. they are effectively replacing you and that does actually mean that your cuddles have to be replaced by theirs! Or would you prefer that your toddler went all day with no physical affection until you got home? Because if that’s the case you may as well put them in a time machine back to Victorian times.

Look, OP, small children NEED affection as much as they need food, water, sleep, play and verbal interaction with an adult. To actively deprive them of that just because you are not there yourself is just plain cruel.

[Thegoodthere]

What @owner said.

[Thegoodthere]

Huge difference between a nursery worker and a nanny.

[Ullupullu]

Research shows that for under 3s especially , a close bond with a consistent caregiver is what matters. Look at this in a mercenary way - your nanny is setting your child up to feel secure and grounded for life because as a preschooler they were showered with affection and attention. That is what you are paying her for. Win win!

[Floatingfancy]

Yabvvvvu. That's exactly what you should want from a nanny. My 3 year old's keyworkers are like that with him and I couldn't be happier. Why would you NOT want that?

[cockadoodledooooo]

You can't compare a nanny working in your home with a nursery worker. I think YABU. Say something and it will change everything, keep quiet and it will change gradually. FWIW I've worked for the same family for seven years, children aged 7, 11 and 13. I always tell them I love them when I say goodbye or when they leave for school etc and they all say it back, not because they have to, just because they want to. They cuddle me or high five me depending on how they feel. But they all grew up with a lot of affection from me. I've been in sole charge and have a great relationship with them. I work alongside their parents and want them to feel as loved and safe and secure with me as they do with them.

I think you need to address the reasons why you feel the way you do honestly. If nanny kissing on lips (something I never do) is something you dislike explain why to her, but I think there's a level of jealousy and insecurity from you too.

[SheldonSaysSo]

The nanny is in no way replaces you or your relationship with your child. However, nannying is a position which requires an immensely close working relationships and I wouldn't think nannying was for her if she didn't make a close bond.

[BettysLeftTentacle]

If my nanny didn’t offer affection to my children then she wouldn’t be my nanny anymore.

I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give

What exactly are you paying her for then? Do you not have a nanny to essentially do what you’re not doing when you’re not there?! You’re jealous OP and that’s fine, relinquishing your children to someone else is tough, very tough but for goodness sake, don’t make this out to be something it’s not.

[ChocChocButtons]

This post makes me so sad, I love my charges I spend 7-6 with them and I can’t imagine how upset my boss would be if I wasn’t hugging and loving her child.

This poor women is doing her job and is getting vilified for it on the the internet by a jealous mother who hired to do a job.

[MerryMarigold]

I work in a nursery and often cuddle and kids the children. I've had 3 kids myself and it's totally instinctive. I'm generally the person the settlers come to, or children who are upset. I feel good that I can offer them this feeling of being loved /cared for which comes from affection when children are young.

Were you abused at all as a child? If so, I can see that you'd feel uncomfortable. It's understandable but not that rational. If not then I think you're feeling a bit jealous of the nanny relationship with your toddler.

[justarandomtricycle]

I think we all understand how you feel

Your nanny sounds smashing and whatever decision you take, which is absolutely your right, do remember she isn't doing anything wrong at all, only what she is supposed to do, so a bash to her confidence for this would not be warranted.

[MrsMorse]

We’ve had a nanny who was super affectionate and all I could think was how lucky my children were to have another person love them. That’s what you have to remember.