to want a cleaner?

[gingerbabe]

DH and I both work. He works full time and commutes, but is home at a reasonable hour (usually). I freelance from home. DD1 is at school and DD2 at nursery in mornings. Being self employed my work is sporadic - sometimes I can be working weekends and evenings, as well as when kids at school, but other times I have nothing on. My issue is that I would like to get a cleaner but DH feels it is my part of my job to do the cleaning as he is the one with the full time job and I look after the house.

I feel that, as we are both working to some degree, we should get a cleaner. It's not something either of us enjoy. If I wasn't working then yes I would do it (reluctantly) but I do work and when I am busy I don;t have time to clean thoroughly. Am I being unreasonable? I think he feels that I lounge around watching daytime TV all day and having coffee mornings. When I told him that after picking DD2 up from nursery we do stuff together like backing cakes etc, he said that I have to prioritise cleaning and that it wouldn't hurt her for me to put her in front of TV for an hour or so, so that I can clean. Grrrrr!!

[MarsLady]

Get the cleaner!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or get him to do the cleaning!

[lulumama]

pay for it with your money, and he has no cause to complain

looking after a child, working and running a house is a full time job and then some

get some help !

[DoubleBluff]

If you can afford one get one. I would.
I hate cleaning. I work 3 days a week and do most of the housework it causes real friction between me and Dh.
I am going back full time next year and will def get a cleaner.

[BecauseImTheFatLady]

If you're working, get the cleaner and pay for it yourself.

[DollyPopsOut]

Get the cleaner honey. Mins is the best £20 I spend all week. It will make a huge difference to all of you.

[Llewsmum]

Crikey, get the cleaner, I have one & don't work & DP thinks it's money well spent as I'm a complete slattern......

[tangarine]

I think he is being more unreasonable than you are .

[wheresthehamster]

Even if you were a full time SAHM there's nothing wrong with a cleaner. I hate cleaning and since having to give up aour cleaner about 4 years ago I don't think anyones been brave enough to walk barefoot through the house .

If he's going to be a MCP then you need to do make sure you are only doing housework during his working hours then evenings and weekends are shared equally (obviously saving jobs like toilets and cooker till then!)

[gingerbabe]

Well, my money is 'our money'. It all goes into the family pot. I did suggest that I could use some of it for a cleaner, but he said that at about £20-£25 a week, that is £1000 a year and 'think what we could do with that', so I end up feeling like I am being selfish and potentially stopping us from having a holiday. I do have money of my own (that he gives me every month) but there is no way I could lose £100 of it a month. God, reading this back I sound pathetic, but he is really good at twisting an argument and making me feel like I am the lazy selfish one.

[bellabelly]

pretend that you have been offered a full-time job and are stopping freelance work. have the conversation about childcare costs for every afternoon for your daughter(s).

Let him see that the cost of a cleaner is as nothing compared to what he's saving in childcare costs in terms of having you at home.

I reckon he'll be asking you to continue freelancing from home...

[MarsLady]

I'm a bit confused. There's a family pot that all monies go into but he gives you money each month.

I'd be inclined to ask for an extra £100 a month and pay the cleaner myself. And if it's a family pot then you both decide what to spend it on. If you can afford it maybe you should pop an equivalent amount to what you spend on the cleaner into your holiday fund!

[StarryStarryNight]

Seeing as you both work, do you also cook him dinner or iron the shirts, etc(?) on the days you work? Does he do anything in the house? Bath DC, clean up after meals, hang and fold laundry? Could you suggest that you divide these jobs equally between you on the days you work, to free up some time for you to clean the house too?

[StarryStarryNight]

Should perhaps add, if you go down the route of equal share of houseduties on days you work, he may soon back down and let you have the cleaner....

[LadyMacbeth]

I am an SAHM but I have made it a rule that should I go back to work even part time we shall get a weekly cleaner.

I hate housework and life's too short to spend free time on the stuff you hate.

[Quattrocento]

Yes you are being unreasonable ... in asking the question in the first place!

[Elasticwoman]

You contribute to the "pot" and should have a say in how it is spent. In fact, you should have a say even if you didn't, as you would still be parenting and running the household. I think it is not unreasonable for you to spend some on a cleaner, but it's your opinion that counts, not mine. Does your dh never spend any money at all on himself? In any case, this money would not be just for your own benefit, it would be for the whole family. Does dh expect to do no housework at all himself at weekends or in the evenings? If that's his expectation, change it fast.

Having said all that, remember that the housework issue does not go away once you employ outside help. Some one has to be responsible for overseeing it, deciding whom to employ, checking what work is done, how well it is done, physically handling the payments etc. Three guesses who will do all that? Then there is also the privacy issue. In some cases it can be more trouble than it's worth.

[chevre]

if he wants you to clean he should bloody well pay you for it.

[gingerbabe]

Your arguments are all so logical and I think I do have a good case. Basically, I do the following: prepare and cook most meals for kids and us from scratch every day (I won't say he never cooks because he does), wash, hang out and iron all clothes, organise all school stuff and after school activities for the girls, food shopping, clothes shopping, presents shopping etc. Has just occured to me what fills my time when I am not working. He said to me that if I worked and he was SAHD then the house would be spotless, but as someone said earlier - cleaning is a loathsome chore and life is too short.

I think ultimately, he is jealous of me being the one at home - he has often suggested that we swap but it makes sense to keep it as it is, as I have the kind of job where I can work from home and fit it in around the girls.

In terms of who would clean, hopefully that won't be a problem as several of my friends have cleaners, so I'm sure I can get one on recommendation.

And don't even get me started on what he spends on himself - he is a complete saint when it comes to money - doesn't go out loads, not into gadgets or expensive clothes etc etc.

[Elasticwoman]

At least he is not being a financial hypocrite then, if he doesn't spend much on himself. But he is being cavalier with your time, if he doesn't spend the same proportion of his free time on chores as you do.

[rookiemum]

I don't understand his attitude tbh.

How many hours a week do you work ? What proportion of the family salary do you bring in ( not that it really matters I suppose) Surely you have some right to an opinion on this, we compromised in that we have a gardener to cut the grass - crap task DH hates and a cleaner to tidy the house. Its worth every penny.

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

How many hours of cleaning were you planning to get? We just have ours for 2 hours (cost £14 total) and it's the best £14 we spend.

I think there is another issue here, in that from what you say it sounds like he doesn't have much understanding of how you spend your day. Cleaner or not, he needs to get more idea of what you do with yourself.

Oh, and you need to recast your baking of cakes etc with your dd so it sounds more valuable - call it child development activities/teaching her to cook?

[mummymagic]

God, no you are not being unreasonable. I love my cleaner and would def pay for it out of 'my' money anyway... but our money is our money. Dh earns the proper money, I do a bit here and there and am a SAHM but its all in our joint account and we both spend it on what we like. Which def includes a cleaner - we'd sacrifice seomthing else if we had to.

I am rubbish at cleaning. supposed to be tidying right now but on mumsnet instead . seems to take me hours to make it look ok, whereas dh can get it sparkling in half an hour (which he often does after work anyway as a day of destructive baby + happy slobby mummy = mess). So £20 for a cleaner once a week to get it all decent again, well worth it. Tbh my hourly rate (when I do work that isn't free-looking-after-baby work) is way more than £8 an hour so its not worth my time to clean iykwim.

[quint]

Get a cleaner - it will save your marriage!

[ScottishMummy]

yes - get a cleaner - you both sound busy enough as it is , and if it relieves a bit of stress and gets an unpleasant job done then why not...it is your joint money after all...so negotiate a n allocated time/slot and besodes you are engaged in looking after the children not actually free time is it if u are busy

[WideWebWitch]

Get one. Or make him do it. Or at LEAST half of it.