Really need some opinions on what feels like an impossible situation! Cannot find a solution that makes everyone happy and potentially means me losing my DD.

[cherrytreeblossom]

OK... so a bit of history.

We own a house that we lived in from 2004-2016.

We started to outgrow it but due to historical debt problems and DH recent self employed status we weren't in a position to move.

DH was earning more money than we had ever been used to and we decided to rent the property out and rent another, much larger property to solve our problem.

We rented a house completely out of the budget we could afford to buy. Went from 3 bed end terrace to 5 bed, 3 storey, 4 toilet, 4 reception room.

My DD (16 at the time) had been suffering terrible depression and anxiety, she was in a very terrible place, hugely depressed, self harmed, didn't attend school for a long time - during this time she was also diagnosed with ASD - she was beginning to recover slightly when we moved. I was able to give her essentially her own floor in the new house - big bedroom with ensuite and walk in wardrobe and everyone else in other part of the house.

This helped her massively - she likes to be isolated from the rest of the household and spends huge amount of time in her room.

After just over a year, our landlord was selling the property so we moved to where we are now. Smaller and less grand than the first rented property but still bigger than our owned house. I gave DD the master bedroom with ensuite so that she was still able to have her private space.

DD is now working full time and managing life way more successfully than she has before, or that I ever dreamed was possible a few years ago.

The issue is now that DH now earns nowhere near what he was, that opportunity ended and he also hated working away from home for so long - we made the decision for him to move back home into a permanent position again and taking a big pay cut.

We are now forking out nearly a thousand a month on this house and whilst we can afford it, it eats up a lot of our disposable income and seems less worth it than before as this house isn't as large as last and is in way worse area.

The only options available to us are to return to our own home -
We are deciding wether to go back just to try and sell it and move on (still have concerns about getting a mortgage for significantly more than our current one)
Go home, get a big extension on it and make it as nice as possible.
Go home, spend less than option above but get conservatory converted to a bedroom and put in new bathroom. So that there will be room for all 3 kids to have their own rooms.

2 younger kids (1 teen 1 almost teen) are keen to move back - that move would be really positive for them - closer to school and their friends not to mention as a family we would have an extra £500 a month at our disposal.

DD will not even discuss it, she has unrealistic expectations now about "needing" an ensuite. She believes that if she went back there she would not cope. She sees it as the house where all the bad stuff happened and that she cannot go back there. It is very difficult to reason with her as she will say, I wanted to die when I was there - how do I argue with that?

Any time it has been raised she is adamant she won't come back - her plan b would be to move in to my Mums spare room , this would be ok with my mum but would definitely have an impact. It would be so unsettling for me, it would feel temporary and makes the decision to make this move so hard as by doing so I am effectively rejecting one of my children.

DH has lost patience with me dragging my heels over this and has contacted the letting agent and given them 2 months notice and given our tenant 2 months notice. He sees it as us throwing away money we can't afford every month.

My daughter nearly 20 now, is away on a long holiday at the moment (she really is doing way better than ever before, managing to travel, work, drive etc) although still struggles with some aspects of life and can be very rigid, catastrophise and prone to having bouts of low function and mood. I love her so much and I think my way of dealing with her illness was to try and protect her from any negative feelings, trying to solver problems and make things as easy as possible for her.
During the time of her worse depression we had a lot of trauma in the family - we lost my grandparents, my dad and my mum was critically ill all in a very short period of time. Since then my step mum has died and my DDs uncle - we have been through a lot, particularly DD for her age and with fragile mental health.

So I have the job of breaking this news to her on her return, it has made me hugely anxious as I just know its not going to go well.

If I took DD out of the equation it would be an exciting move - being back in our own home where we can make improvements and decorate etc The kids would be excited me and DH would be excited and relieved to be saving the money and be able to go on holiday etc.

However, the reality is I just dont know what the next few weeks are going to hold - I have a fear that either way, wether she comes with us or not it will push DD back to the state she used to be (and in my worst fears cause her to self harm or wore) and I would feel responsible for ruining her mental health again. I worry that she won't cope and will hate me for it and cut me off.

Would love some support to unpick this in my head !

[murmuration]

OP, this actually sounds like the perfect opportunity to transition her to a bit more independence. She even had an alternate idea, to live with your Mum (was that her idea?). Don't think of it as being 'mean' to her, think of it as helping her to grow. Do respect her statement that she can't move back to the old house - you are sending her very mixed signals here, that you want to protect her at all costs, but also that you want her to do something that she has told you would be detrimental to her. Show her you believe in her ability to know herself, and that you are willing to work with her to help her on her terms.

I know a lot of autistic adults (I might be one too, but not sure). They spend a lot of time fighting with others to get them to believe that they actually know themselves - so many people think they can tell the autistic adult what would be better for them, even after that person has clearly articulated what they need. It can be extremely distressing that people don't even trust you to know yourself. Please don't do this to your daughter.

[CampfiresAndBeer]

There is a staggering lack of understanding of autism in some of these responses.

[chillpizza]

Defaults and ccj’s fall off after 6years and a day they where registered. They will have an affect even if settled but settled is better than ignored if it’s under 6years and by using a broker you can get a bit of leeway if there is a bloody good reason for why it happened and explaining how you fixed it etc. You can check your credit file for free and find those dates out.

[corythatwas]

Do respect her statement that she can't move back to the old house - you are sending her very mixed signals here, that you want to protect her at all costs, but also that you want her to do something that she has told you would be detrimental to her.

This. And in fact, every word of murmuration's post.

[gamerwidow]

Let her go and live with your mum. She will be safe there and it might be a good stepping stone for her into a more independent life.

The move is perfect for the rest of you and given that your DD has a safe place to go to I think it is the best choice for you.

[SeaToSki]

I think it sounds like you need to get some counselling to help you help DD. Now she is not dragging along the bottom of life, she is in a place where you can help/encourage/push her to get even more balance back in her life. But you need to be in a place to do that, when you look at her you need to be able to see the more capable young woman she is now and not the broken child she was. You shouldnt pretend she is now ‘fine’ and treat her like anyone, she will always be more prone to anxiety etc, but you can and should keep your help to that which will help her grow and not wrap her in cotton wool

I grabbed this quote from an excellent web site. Try googling enabling anxiety and accomodating axiety in children. You might find some useful info

Accommodation, also called enabling, occurs when you give in to your child’s anxiety rather than letting your child tolerate some discomfort and learn to use coping tools. Accommodation is commonplace in families of children with anxiety. It often starts out innocently enough. For example, when you are trying to make it on time to soccer practice and all that stands in your way is a simple promise to stay and watch, rather than drop off and go. Or when your child refuses to go to bed unless you kiss him one last time. However, after a while, the demand for accommodation grows. Soon your child cannot go anywhere without you and takes an hour to get to bed, when i could be a 10 minute bedtime routine. It's often a surprise to families when they realize just how much the accommodation has grown overtime.

Recognizing that accommodation is in effect is the first step. However, you are soon confronted with a dilemma: Do you push your child to manage their anxiety without accommodating them? But I can’t do that, my child won’t be able to cope! you say. Or do you hold and keep accommodating? But I don’t want to do that either, it doesn’t work! you reply. Both statements are correct. For long-standing anxiety that has demanded months or even years of accommodation, suddenly cutting it off cold turkey can be very distressing for a child. But continuing to accommodate is making things worse.

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

You have done a fabulous job, and still are
You know her and her needs far more than we do. You have taken a girl with major difficulties and helped her become very independent. While bringing up two other kids who sound great, and maintaining a relationship. Don't feel bad about any decisions you have made to date.

If I were you, I would either sell up and use to the money you would have used to extend to get a house that works for all of you.

Or, suggest that she does settle with your mum for a while while you get the old house ready.

Asking her for rent won't help in the medium/long term if she is dropping her income.

[cherrytreeblossom]

Murmuration - your post really resonates with me actually. On a much less serious level she gets very annoyed with me if I try to reason with her about for example a food she is refusing, I'll say "but you like chicken, you will like it" and she responds by becoming really irritated that I am telling her what she likes.

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

Your husband is right.

You have done amazingly well to get your DD back on track, but you have yourselves and your other children to consider, and throwing away hundreds of pounds every single month is not sustainable and frankly quite foolish when there are other, reasonable options for everyone. Your DD does have another reasonable option. She is nearly 20. She needs to learn to cope more on her own, and she won't even be doing that: she'll be with family, close enough to continue to support her yourself.

Your DH has done the right thing for all of you. Tell your DD it's happening, and she can either move with you or into your mum's or on her own if she can afford it. She needs to live in the real world.

[Chocolate50]

In many ways I have been in your position, not exactly but having complicated children and younger more able children to deal with as well.
If you continue to try to protect and make it right for your DD, it will end in tears and you will have far more to deal with than the expectation of an en suite. Whilst you have been clearly making things ok for her because she needed your protection she does now need to be realistic and it isn't realisitic to expect that a whole family will continue to work around her as she is now an adult.
I don't know whether you have considered this but your council will do grants that you don't have to pay back and as far as I know aren't means tested to adjust buildings for disabled people - you may need a report from an occupational therapist or something but it might be worth looking into www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

My thought when I read what trauma and losses your family had been through and how it had affected DD, was to think of how it must have affected you and how were you being supported. Your update answered that - your own grief and trauma were sidelined in order to help and put your daughter first and I get why that had to be like that, at that time, but things have moved on, your daughter is coping much better with life and you can't keep putting yourself and the rest of the family at the bottom of the pile just so your DD isn't upset. It isn't sustainable living that way. I can understand why your DD doesn't want to move back to the house where she was so ill, she cannot help but associate that with a dark period of her life, I get that, but the rest of you have to move back for financial and practical reasons. I think your DD going to live with your DM is the best option for now. You might need to support your DM over this in order to ensure DD doesn't bully or take advantage of her. Maybe when you have made the changes to your house she may come to see it as a more positive place that she could be happy in again. Either way, at 20 she should not expect to take precedence over the rest of the family's needs. Please don't offer bribes and don't get a new puppy or pay for DD's car, if she wants a car she has to pay for it herself, she needs to learn those life skills. You sound like an amazing Mum, but you need to start considering yourself and sometimes putting your needs first.

[S0faSl33p6]

So your DD can travel, so she is able to stay in other places. I agree with your DH, that it makes financial sense to move back to your property & that your DD should not be dictating her priorities over your WHOLE family. At 20 she has options about where she can live, including at uni & she can get a part time job while studying. Moving is all about budgeting/finances, independance.

[cherrytreeblossom]

I think those that have mentioned counselling for me are right - just talking about this here and reading posts has got me feeling intensely anxious.

This is also why it created huge arguments when DH took the reins from me and gave notice to the landlord.

Ive known this decision needed to be made for months now and each time I have thought about it or discussed it I have to actively stick head in sand and stop as it makes me feel terrible.

[Blessingsdragon1]

Supporting emotional needs does not mean just giving in every time. It means helping people with ASD to find strategies and techniques to live, yes it means picking your battles but it also means helping to build resilliance and to step out of the fixed mind set. It means teaching empathy and social awareness. Stop with the bribes - rewards for actual behaviour are much more effective.
You say your children will not grow up with resentment - I would say you have a blinkered view point. There will be impact on them - whatever you think : sone of it positive - my only non ASD child has the patients of a saint 😂 but some will be negative.

[Meandwinealone]

Can you frame the mum thing as a transition. I do understand why she might not want to go back to the house where it was all so awful for her.
But if she comes over to visit she might come to terms with it all a bit.
It’s clear you will struggle to move atm. Does she understand that?

I worry that you’ve tried so hard to protect her that perhaps she doesn’t even know what difficulty you’re in.

[cherrytreeblossom]

She can indeed move, her travels have encouraged me, she is on a trip right now that I couldn't imagine she would manage.

Its odd though, as she works full time and can do things like travel but in some ways she doesn't function well. She mostly eats the same things for every meal and at work goes to the carpark to sit in the car to eat it as work cafeteria is impossible for her. Most weekends she spends friday evening to monday morning either in bed or in her bedroom, recovering from the week and preparing for next one.

[S0faSl33p6]

I lived in a house share where you had to put in money to make the hot water work for the shared shower. So long, hot, showers did not happen ! I appreciate that you have supported your DD. Life is full of ups and downs and events that we don't expect to happen, but that is what makes us stronger as people.

[cherrytreeblossom]

Blessingsdragon1 - I agree, see above, I have a career in helping children with emotional needs and building resilience, strategies, growth mindset etc

Yet have got myself into this fixed mindset shower of shit

[Bookworm4]

Your support for your daughter is admirable but you cannot allow her as an adult to dictate the life of 4 other people. I think your DH took the reins regards tenants as he's probably fed up with your pandering to your DD. She goes to work, goes travelling, has a bf, all fairly independent yet is dictating where you live. Let her go to your mothers and do what's best for your finances and other DC. I think you're using her ASD as an excuse for everything, your otherDC need their mum too.

[faeveren]

The support you have given her has enabled her enormously and she has said that she would rather live at your DM's than go back to your house and this would work. So you have a solution, do this, don't bribe her, that is to ease your guilt and make you feel better not her and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

The thought of moving back to her old house may cause great anxiety due to her previous depression there and it can all be black and white with ASD. The other suggestion would be also looking at getting help to claim PIP there are a few descriptors on there which can get an award, doesn't matter if she is working. The extra money could have been used to pay extra rent, however it could be used to make adjustments at your DM's house or whatever it takes to keep enabling her to function well.

[GabsAlot]

so she wont be there majority of the time anyway-sorry shes 20 she needs to realise it all doesnt revolve around her

ive had anxiety since my teens where we lived was never my choice

and can u not use animals as bribes

[bathsh3ba]

From my experience living with my very rigid autistic ex-husband, the key to everyone being as happy as they realistically can be in the family unit is finding ways that she can make changes that she needs rather than you doing them for her. For example, my ex would eat only a handful of different foods and the smell of any food he disliked made him feel sick. It wasn't fair for all of us to only eat his limited diet but also it wasn't fair for him to be made to feel sick or for me to have to cook different meals. So he cooked for himself.

[eddielizzard]

Well I think she's been very clear about what she can cope with, and offered a solution. I think you shouldn't think of it as losing her, that's not even remotely the case! She's clearly doing extremely well, furthering studies, travelling, I bet a couple of years ago you wouldn't have dreamt she'd be capable of that. Yet here she is. Let her go and stay with your mum, and don't think of that as permanent because it might not be.

She's developed coping mechanisms that mean she can live pretty well. Yes, she's eating a narrow range of food, and eating in the car. But she's also found a way to prepare herself to deal with a full on adult life each week. I'd stop focussing on what you view as 'problems', which seem to me to be her coping mechanisms, and start focussing on how incredibly far she's come.

Move back into your house, start redecorating, have her over for meals that are full of love and fun and laughter, and her favourite foods. Over time, the layers of new, good memories may eclipse her old ones and she may start to see possibilities. Any changes to the house to encourage her back should be done in conjunction with her. Even better, if she instigates them.

Finally, I know fuck all about ASD other than a close family member who is on the spectrum so take my thoughts with a pinch of salt!

Good luck, you sound like such an amazing mum. You've put her first for so long, and she's done so well. Now you need to start focussing on yourself, your DH and your other children. That's the biggest compliment you can give her actually - to trust her that she knows what she needs and take her words at face value.

[corythatwas]

Its odd though, as she works full time and can do things like travel but in some ways she doesn't function well. She mostly eats the same things for every meal and at work goes to the carpark to sit in the car to eat it as work cafeteria is impossible for her.

You know, from my perspective of another child with anxiety, this doesn't look to me like "not functioning": it looks like a young adult making sensible decisions which will enable her to function. She knows certain foods will work for her, so she has them. She knows she needs down time at lunch, so she ensures that she gets it. Looks good to me.

My dd also knows that there are certain situations that will trigger her, so she works around those. Just like she knows there are certain situations that are bad for her dodgy joints, so she avoids those too. This is now what failure looks like: it's common sense.