Not want to talk when I get home

[popsadaisy]

AIBU to not want to talk to my OH when I get home from work? I have a job which means I talk none stop all day and when I get home the last thing I want to go is talk some more! Is it unreasonable of me to tell my OH not to talk to me on the weekday evenings? We can have a good catch up on the weekend.

[wasgoingmadinthecountry]

OP, are you a teacher? I need down time when I get in - normally while cooking. Hate it when people come in to chat!!

[AuntMarch]

This is why I have no desire to marry or share a house with a partner again!

[Hassled]

You need to come up with a workable compromise - DH knows he won't get much out of me for the first half an hour or so after I get back. I need to potter around the kitchen on my own or sit on my arse for a bit, and just sort of process the day. Then I'm happy enough to chat about who said what to whom and where we are with Brexit - I just can't do it straight away. I do sympathise - but no chatting all evening sounds a tad excessive.

[StrongTeaDropOfMilkNoSugar]

OP, I don’t think you are necessarily BU. Are you familiar with Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality profiling? One of the elements of this is where people can be either ‘extroverts’ or ‘introverts’ (the latter not being a negative trait in anyway). Extroverts are energised by spending time with others, big groups etc whereas Introverts get their energy from time on their own and can find bigger groups exhausting. I am an introvert, but have to portray extrovert at work and spend all day in meetings, on conference calls, presenting etc for my job, so by the time I get home I really need time to chill and regroup. Sometimes this means I just some quiet time. My DH is also an introvert so completely understands (we do talk to each other, and get on great, but there’s no need to be the life and south of the party).

Google the difference between introvert and extrovert and it may help put some context around it. Learning about this really helped me learn more about myself, and accept who I am and why I need quiet, space and peace sometimes.

www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/extraversion-or-introversion.htm?bhcp=1

[JaneEyre07]

I get you, OP. DH comes in and downloads his entire day onto me, without prompting and sometimes I really want to tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I like to come in, have some peace, gather my thoughts and then have a chat. When you've been surrounded by noise all day, the last thing you want is more noise when you get in.

[EvelynShaw]

Well, I sympathise (and often feel the same!), but yes, YABU(as am I!).

[LoubyLou1234]

I have a job where I am very busy with people. I sometimes want to hibernate afterwards it's very demanding but I'd never not want to talk to my partner. Not much about work but just to catch up and I'm pleased to see him. It's unreasonable to not expect some chat, a little peace too but not silence.

[NotAChanceOfQuiet]

Yes, you are unreasonable. You basically don't talk to him, or let him talk to you, for five days a week?
An hours silence is one thing, 5 nights a week is bonkers.

[popsadaisy]

@StrongTeaDropOfMilkNoSugar thanks for this I will definitely take a look!! X

[Ribbonsonabox]

Well I dont think you are being unreasonable actually!!
As long as you talk to him about it and hes not too upset about it and understands...

My husband works in a very stressful job in mental health and I'm at home 14 hrs without him looking after two children under 4..
Sometimes when he comes home and the kids are in bed we just sit in separate rooms watching whatever crap we want or reading or just lying in the dark and silence to unwind...

I'd say we have a very good relationship and are very close and part of that is understanding when and if the other person needs silence and space.
We are both introverts really though....

I can imagine there would be a problem if one of you thrived off constant interaction and one of you hated it..

Have you brought this up with your partner?

[cricketmum84]

Is this a reverse?

God what a miserable existence for both you and your OH.

[heartshapedpositnotes]

OP, I hear you and you're totally not being unreasonable to need and your own downtime and solitude when you get home.

I hear what people are saying though, that if you choose to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to give that extra time, every single day, for the rest of your life . Otherwise unless you're both in the same page, you may face challenges in your relationship.

[popsadaisy]

@wasgoingmadinthecountry no I'm a support worker for homeless families/couples/young people. I basically hear people's problems all day and they aren't easy. I'm drained by the end of the day. I think I was being a tad dramatic on my OP I don't mean silence until the weekend I just mean not having to talk where I have to listen (that sounds awful I know!) I will obviously listen but not have to give too much of myself back. Not sure I'm making sense.

[InsertFunnyUsername]

I would type a lengthy reply but i clocked out at 6 so thats enough for today


YANBU to want quiet time, i have roughly an hour a day and find it very relaxing, but YABU to want to leave talking to just the weekend!

[Chickenwing]

Me and DP both need some alone time when we get in from work (a day speaking to other humans is exhausting!) But all night without talking to each other is a bit too far. We usually take 1-2 hours alone time then eat dinner and chat/watch TV (stare into our phones) all night.

[heartshapedpositnotes]

Don't worry op, you didn't sound dramatic or extreme in your post. I think most people in long term relationships, and particularly if they have children, don't get their fill of alone and down time.

[InsertFunnyUsername]

Sorry jm laughing to myself imagining the OP



DP "What do you want for dinner"


O.Pcrickets


DP "There is a burglar upstairs"


O.P Marks friday on calendar

[heartshapedpositnotes]

As a delighted single person, it fills me with horror that most posters get 10-20 mins of downtime as soon as they get home then have to spend the rest of the evening WITH SOMEONE ELSE .

And then...share...a...bed

[Idontmeanto]

I do bedtime and fall asleep with youngest, so Dh gets a break from parenting and I get quiet. I manage to talk to him then. We have reversed who is at home over the last couple of years and he’s now understanding how lonely being the SAH parent can be. I used to get very frustrated when the older children were small that he didn’t want to talk for a bit. We’re both learning.

[Lizzie48]

I do understand, OP, I value my alone time as well. But even so, it is a bit extreme to not want to talk to your DH at all on a weekday in the evening after work and to only talk at weekends. A compromise is needed, I would suggest, if your marriage is to work.

[HappilyHarridan]

Op I know what you mean. When I’m asked how my day was I groan inwardly as the last th8ng I want to do is talk about my day. Come the weekend when I’ve processed it all I find it more appealing but I don’t want to relive everything right after it’s happened. And I’m not really up for doing active listening when I’ve just spent 8 hours doing that. I don’t insist on total silence though, I’m willing to exchange a few social niceties when I get in and then I grunt and mutter for the rest of the evening. Helps that partner is a tele addict!

[HolyForkingShirt]

Yes and no.

I'm exactly the same with alone time, I love it and so does my partner. We sit in different rooms doing different things, but we will always chat to each other throughout and have dinner together. We go out several evenings doing various hobbies, so aren't always stuck in the house together.

The only period I had where I was in stone silence for 10 days (felt like I physically couldn't speak) was after a breakdown due to living with clingy housemates who wouldn't give me space, and I just cracked after 9 months. If your job is making you feel like you need to live in total silence, I'd look for something else tbh.

[LifeImplosionImminent]

OP I'm guessing a reverse is where you're the person who has to sit in silence because your husband has a sociable job.

Happy to be told I'm talking bollocks...

[saraclara]

I was a teacher. I understand the need for a bit of quiet decompression. But my 40 minute drive home did it for me. If I hadn't had that, I'd probably need half an hour's quiet when I got home. My husband used to cook the evening meal to achieve the same.

But what you're asking is too much. He's your husband. He married you to be with you, and communication is a lot of that. Surely you can manage to accommodate him after an hour or so? Otherwise it's going to seem like the people you work with are more important than he is.

[MeganBacon]

Is it just that you need 20 minutes of sensory deprivation before you feel ready to face him? I get that. I'm very introverted and I find my working day and commute so emotionally draining. After 20 minutes I'm good though. He was the same when he worked so it's a good compromise for us.