Smug mums

[tippingpoint14]

Smug mums. Boy am I sick of ‘em.

My kid’s a shocking sleeper. Smug mum 1 complains her kid “only” slept 11.5hr straight last night so now she’s “exhausted”. Tinkle tinkle. Smug mum 2 “Oh, bless your cotton socks. They are joining your family, so you need to make it clear to them they must sleep all night. My son has slept through since he was six weeks old!” Tinkle tinkle.

My husband is never home and not hands on. I do it all alone. Smug mum 2 “DH is soooo hands on with the little one. He loves to do the night feeds so I can get a sleep in.” Tinkle tinkle. Smug mum 4 “DH is watching DC so I can have another girls’ night!”

We cannot have anymore children. Smug mum 2 “Oh, honey. You don’t have any idea what being a parent is about. Why, you’ve only got one! That’s nothing! Try having two!” Smug mum 1 “I can’t believe how easy it was to fall pregnant again! I’m soooo unprepared. I haven’t even had time to think of names!” Tinkle tinkle.

My child has been in and out of hospital, been scarily sick at times with a life-threatening condition that has no cure. Smug mum 1 after her child got their first case of the sniffles at the age of 2 “Oh my, it’s sooo stressful having to look after a sick baby, isn’t it. I know exactly how you feel when your little one gets sick.” Smug mum 2 “What do you mean you were in hospital for three days? That was a silly thing to do. Kids pick up all kinds of diseases in hospital you know. I just keep mine home when they’re sick and use my maternal instinct to know how to help them. Have you tried essential oils?”

Over. It.

[SummerInSun]

OP, I'm with you on the illness / sleeping. And I'm with all the PPs that you should just find some new, normal, sympathetic friends, and not spend time with the Smug Mums.

But it troubles me that you put getting your DH to parent in the "things I can't change" box. Why? Even if he works long hours, being with his child (including one on one so you can have some time to yourself) should be one of his top priorities / leisure activities for his non work time. Have you done anything to try to address this? Counselling?

[Blahdeblahbahhhhh]

Not smug, just horrible. I’m sorry.

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

^This. And I passionately dislike the expression 'hands on dad' - a father who is not 'hands on' is properly defined as one who is derelicting part of his duty. Nobody talks about 'hands on' mums, because we are 'hands on' by default.

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

(Sorry, that was to Boysey's post)

Tbh, if these women really are saying - and really believe - what you say they are saying about your experience of a seriously ill child, I don't understand why you are still giving them the time of day.

[Spottyowl]

I think you might be projecting a little OP. Admittedly things like tone and context come into play but on the face of it someone saying that their husband helps out is not a criticism of you by default.

Either way it doesn't sound as though you like these people so easiest all round to distance yourself. Or, if they are real friends then why not gently talk to them about how these comments are making you feel?

[Serin]

"Only ever buy designer outfits for the kids as they are much better quality"
Was one bit of advice I was given when they were small.
Oh how I laughed.
They one item of designer clothing they have ever possessed (A Stella McCartney dress) fell apart after 2 washes. Asda clothing was indestructible!!

[winbinin]

If it’s any comfort to you I was a smug mum once. Then real life caught up with me. Karma’s a bitch.

[keepforgettingmyusername]

I take it these are NCT friends? Do they also have Instagram accounts in their babies names so they can post picture of sandwiches cut into little stars beside lots of cut up raw veggies?

[tillytrotter1]

Me, we has a horrendous journey, the kids were dreadful in the car and we were last of the ferry.
She, our children were wonderful in the car and we were among the first off the ferry, had a wonder holiday.
He, never again, the kids argued and fought in the car and we were stuck on the bloody ferry for ages because some idiot in front was late down to the deck.

She, I never use processed food.
He, where shall I put these burgers, (a big box of Birds Eye frozen cheapest)
That was over thirty years ago,, little changes!

[tillytrotter1]

Excuse typos and other errors!

[SummerHouse]

Ominous lack of mention of smug mum 3 OP.

What have you done with her.

She no doubt deserved it though

[Jent13c]

I was judged for cosleeping by someone who's kid slept through from 2 weeks old. They have no idea of the hell of a non sleeping child for 17 months!

For what it's worth my 2 year old is a dream who takes himself off to bed at 6.30 PM and wakes up 12 hours later with no sleeping and no mention of the rod I made for my back by allowing him in my bed.

Mums like that only tell you when things are good.

[OhTheRoses]

Oh yes. This lot followed me to primary. My DC didn't sleep, broke bones, and dh worked like a trojan when they were tiny. (Still does). The dc are 24 and 20 now. Looking back much of it was actually a bit passive aggressive.

After all the unicorns and rainbows and dedicated husbands and fathers and edgy comments when dh wasn't at parents' evening, again, many of them are divorced now. Some of their grown up dc are here, at ours, often.

[AbsentmindedWoman]

They sound an unfortunate mixture of thick and unpleasant.

Utter cunts to dismiss you for taking your sick baby to hospital, and as for the nonsense about the baby needing to sleep through because they're joining the family - um no. Babies aren't trying to manipulate anyone, they're trying to get their needs met the only way they know how.

[SoyDora]

They sound like absolute dicks to be honest.
However, your DH not stepping up and parenting his child isn’t their fault.

[chocolatemademefat]

You need to get a new group of friends - friends who understand when your child is ill and sympathise - not brag about their own perfect children. It’s probably mostly shit anyway - all kids have their moments and theirs won’t be any different. And of course they’ll eat kale and quinoa if that’s all they’re given. Set them loose at a kids party in a few years and watch them demolish all sorts of E numbers.

[tippingpoint14]

@Oysterbabe Yes, I bet dads do it too, though perhaps in other ways.

@WarmCoffee Yes, they all know about the sleep, no more kids (I had only just had a rare teary moment with SM 1 when I explained to her about how sad I was I wouldn’t be having another child the time before she made that comment), husband and sickness issues. Believe me, I am genuinely happy for them if they have such great lives. It’s just the smugness of knowing my situation is difficult and rubbing it in anyway that gets me.

Thanks for the support and the laughs, MN people. I will have to watch Bridget Jones again as I have no recollection of the jellyfish thing.

[ElsieMc]

God this takes me back. My brother was always telling me to take notice of his friend who knew everything about babies, whereas the truth was she was a smug, patronising, granite faced and humourless cow. Apparently my dd didn't talk enough whilst her child would be reading the six o'clock news. Just why be like this - life isn't a competition.

I know my friend when her dd was at primary school had so many grossly insensitive comments. Her dd had cancer and on more than one occasion she told me other mums would ask if she still needed her ballet or brownie uniform. Maybe they honestly thought she was leaving, but fgs go and buy your own. I cringe thinking back on this and one of the mum's involved was the Principal at a local college with responsibility for so many young people. She was always "borrowing" from us as well.

Try not to take it too personally op, they are unkind, insensitive people who are incapable of being good parents.

[theresafoxunderthedecking]

a 2 week old sleeping through ? sleeping through what exactly a thunder storm ? i think she might have meant 2 months but that's only 5 -6 hours i'd have thought.

[FrozenMargarita17]

People are absolute liars. That's what I learned from baby groups. Bastards

[LaurieMarlow]

Why is your husband never around to parent his own children? I’d say that’s having much more impact on your life than these women.

[problembottom]

Who are these godawful mums you’re mixing with? I’m in an NCT group of eight and no one is a twat like this. Nor are any of the mums I’ve met at baby groups. I’d ditch them and find new mates!

[hsegfiugseskufh]

If it makes you feel better op my ds slept 12 hours reliably from 8 weeks old, and then we he got to about 9 months old he decided sleep wasn't for him. Ive had very few unbroken nights since and he is almost 3! I am sure reality will slap them in the face soon.

[tippingpoint14]

@ElsieMc That’s horrible. God people are horrible.

@SummerHouse Worse. I locked her in a room with my son overnight and let her deal with the sleep deprivation. Moohooohaaahaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

[Barbie222]

I go out of my way to avoid places where these kinds of people congregate!