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AIBU?

What can I do?

42 replies

strongandfocused · 28/03/2019 23:36

My 16 year old son (nearly 17) All 6.4" of him has been reduced to a sobbing heap yet again by his father. His father continues to bully, manipulate and call him abusive names if he hasn't been to visit him. Tonight he got called an "ugly piece of sh*t" :(
We have a court order and my son is ordered to spend every alternative weekend at his fathers...his father is now making him feel guilty if he doesn't also visit him mid week...he doesn't want to go but does just to keep the piece. My son has told him tonight he doesn't want to see him this weekend and now his father is threatening him with the police etc because there is a court order.He says he will come and "get him" tomorrow if he doesn't turn up at his house!!! I cant intervene and say anything to him as not only do i get bombarded with abuse as it makes it worse for my son he then gets abused for "snitching to his mummy" Whats more tonight he also started slagging off me to my son he insinuated I slept around with different men and told him I "murdered" his brother or sister...!!!
I had an abortion the second time I fell pregnant with him as I knew I could not be with this man for any longer, i had not told my son...
This man when I was with him abused and bullied me so badly that i had a nervous breakdown and lost all self esteem. I suffered and still do with post traumatic stress disorder from our relationship even though it ended 14 years ago and I have not been able to have a functional relationship with anyone else since.
I dont know what to do how I can make it better without my son getting it worse from his father who is nothing more than a bully. But I can't sit around and let this happen any longer...this is the most important year for my son he's about to sit his GCSEs...i just cant believe it, i need some support to know what to do so i can support and protect my son in the best way... :((((

OP posts:

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Poloshot · 29/03/2019 16:08

I don't think he can take you to court given your son's age?. It's the equivalent of you not wanting to see your parents and them saying they'll take you to court isn't it?

strongandfocused · 29/03/2019 16:05

flirty girl ive never "forced" my son to see his father, Ive also never told him not to. He goes merely to pacify his father to keep the peace.He says he feels sorry for his father.
Now we are going to stop this...he can take it back to court ...Im ready again to face him!

OP posts:

flirtygirl · 29/03/2019 15:25

Most kids over 12 or 13 can stop seeing a parent without too much push back, even with court orders on place.

The court would take their opinions into consideration and they hold more sway from around 10 or 11 and more the older they get. (Age that the law can hold a child responsible). Your son is nearly 17, so his full opinion will count.

So why on earth is he still being made to go to visits?

The damage being done is awful. You need to stop forcing him and should have done so a long time ago.

When and if your ex takes it to court, your son is old enough to let them know why. He probably won't as he gets power from being a bully.

Keep a note of everything and get your son to keep texts and switch to email when contacting his father so a record can be kept.

But end all contact now.

Poloshot · 29/03/2019 15:00

What do you need to go back to court for? If your son doesn't want to go he doesn't need to that's the end of it.

Singlenotsingle · 29/03/2019 14:43

You don't have to go back to the Court to get contact stopped. Just don't let it happen any more. If the man is harassing you or DS, report it to the police. It's a criminal offence.

Queenie8 · 29/03/2019 12:44

Sorry, meant to say, the NCDV will be able to put in place an urgent Non-Mol order, and/or point you in the direction of other agencies and services that will be able to help you. Good luck 🤞🏻

Queenie8 · 29/03/2019 12:33

Please speak to the National Centre for Domestic Violence

//www.ncdv.org.uk

strongandfocused · 29/03/2019 12:04

Thankyou thankyou for all your support and messages I have tears in my eyes!
He has dragged me through so many courts all based on lies which eventually it was seen through and he was branded a "narcissist" by more than one judge. He is a huge bodybuilder, quite a scary hulk of a man but abuses the use of authority and twists and manipulates situations when he doesn't get what he wants in many areas of his life. Im trying not to have to go back to court again as its so exhausting, stressful and I really dont have any more money to spend on it. But going to contact my lawyer for advice and maybe social services to see if there is anything that can be done to protect him

Thankyou again

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/03/2019 07:44

What @bodgersmash said. Your poor boy, and poor you.

NabooThatsWho · 29/03/2019 07:39

I feel so bad for your son. Being bullied and controlled by that hateful piece of shit.
Does your ex think the police will turn up and man handle your son and force him to his house?

No one will force your son to see his father. You son is old enough to decide for himself.

Please help your son to work on his boundaries. Under no circumstances does he have to spend time with ANYONE he doesn’t want to. He needs to learn to stand up for himself.

Ultimately he needs to go no-contact. And he shouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt for doing so.

HalfBloodPrincess · 29/03/2019 07:39

OP my daughter was 12 when the judge said she didn’t have to see her dad anymore if she didn’t want to.
Let your ex take you back to court - they’ll laugh in his face. Let your son have his voice heard

bodgersmash · 29/03/2019 07:33

Get your son a new phone number, both of you block him on all forms of social media and communication and if you think there is any chance it could get physically violent or intimidating then let the police know. Please save your boy.

grumpyyetgorgeous · 29/03/2019 07:14

Sorry op this sounds awful, what a horrendous bully!!
How old is the court order? I honestly can't see a court imposing contact on an almost 17 year old. I also don't think that the police will be at all interested in getting involved in physically forcing him to visit. They have better things to do.
So I'd cut contact, block his number/social media accounts, beef up your home security and then sit tight and let him bring a court case if he wants to do so.
It sounds like he ONLY wants to see ds to bully and abuse you both, don't let him.... call his bluff.

CupoTeap · 29/03/2019 07:10

Your poor son. He does not have to go the court will not make him. Let your dh try the police they won't be interested and will tell him to go back to the court. The court will not do anything to make your ds go.

Tell him not to come to your house or you will call the police. If he sends an abusive message tell him to stop or you will block his number and then do it. Tell your son to do the same.

This is a new part of both your lives.

Happyspud · 29/03/2019 06:55

I think you and you son need to sit down and talk through blocking this man from your lives. Get advice from police regarding the steps you take if the abuse continues (restraining order or whatever) and get your son into counselling ASAP. You are struggling to protect him for very valid reasons, it’s not your fault, but you need to bring more people in to help you both. He needs to learn that he has no obligation whatsoever to this monster. And he needs protection then from the backlash (police/solicitor/counselling/support groups).

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 29/03/2019 06:52

If that's how he wants to speak to your child then it's time to block his number. Report him to the police if he dares to harass either if you, keep a log, and tell your son he doesn't have to go again if he doesn't want to. Involve social services, the school, the gp and any other agencies to support you in this. Go back to court to formally quash the order, your son is too old to be forced. Expose this man for what he is

BlueMerchant · 29/03/2019 06:49

He does not need to go. As pp's have said he is not 'ordered' to visit his father. Father has used the term order to manipulate your son. If Father threatens allsorts ( he likely will) then let him make a fool of himself. I very much doubt he would contact any authorities at all and risk being outed as a controlling abuser. In all honesty though, there's no authority that would force your ds to spend any time with this horrible man. Give him a huge hug and tell him it's over.

Di11y · 29/03/2019 06:42

sounds to me you first report the threats and behaviour to the police then change the court order for peace of mind.

NoCauseRebel · 29/03/2019 06:37

Oh yeah, because ringing the police to order a child to visit is really going to go miles towards creating a healthy relationship between a father and son. seriously what an arsehole, and you have to wonder at his warped logic.

At sixteen there isn’t a court in the country which is going to force a sixteen year old to visit a man who threatens to call the police if they don’t.

But actually, I would let him follow through. Tell your son he doesn’t have to go. Then if your ex actually does turn up I would laugh in his face and tell him that the court has not ordered your son to visit and as such he no longer will be. And if he’d like to take that one back to court he can be your guest...

And let’s be honest these things don’t happen over night anyway so by the time he gets a court date your ds will be even older and the court is going to laugh at him.

Oh and if he’d like to ring the police? “Yes officer I’d like to report a crime. What crime you say? Well my son has refused to visit me. I need you to go round there and order my sixteen year old to visit as per the court’s instructions.” Yeah, let him do that, the police need some light relief of a weekend.

user1493413286 · 29/03/2019 06:33

Tell your son he doesn’t have to see his dad and block his phone number from his phone or you change your sons number. If he arrives at your house then call the police.
You can decide whether you go back to court to try to get resolution for your son or if you wait for your ex to try; he probably won’t though as any solicitor will tell him that a court would never make a 16 year old see a parent he doesn’t want to see.

gamerchick · 29/03/2019 06:21

He's 16, as everyone's said the court order means bugger all OP.

Tell him he doesn't have to go anymore if he doesn't want to and tell your ex that we reap what we sow with our kids when they're teens

Sh1ttySh1ttybangbang · 29/03/2019 06:17

Nonsense. Your son is an adult, the court order means nothing - he does not have to see his father.

Monty27 · 29/03/2019 06:09

This is bollox. You can't force a 16yo to do THAT.
Haven't rtht. Do you have reasons to encourage this OP?

minty80 · 29/03/2019 05:31

Court order doesn't mean anything at this age. Police aren't going to arrest a 16 year old for not visiting his dad. Your son is old enough to vote with his feet.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 29/03/2019 05:22

I cried when I read your first post, OP - your poor son . Please go back to court. Or at least start with seeing a solicitor.

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