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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What can I do?

42 replies

strongandfocused · 28/03/2019 23:36

My 16 year old son (nearly 17) All 6.4" of him has been reduced to a sobbing heap yet again by his father. His father continues to bully, manipulate and call him abusive names if he hasn't been to visit him. Tonight he got called an "ugly piece of sh*t" :(
We have a court order and my son is ordered to spend every alternative weekend at his fathers...his father is now making him feel guilty if he doesn't also visit him mid week...he doesn't want to go but does just to keep the piece. My son has told him tonight he doesn't want to see him this weekend and now his father is threatening him with the police etc because there is a court order.He says he will come and "get him" tomorrow if he doesn't turn up at his house!!! I cant intervene and say anything to him as not only do i get bombarded with abuse as it makes it worse for my son he then gets abused for "snitching to his mummy" Whats more tonight he also started slagging off me to my son he insinuated I slept around with different men and told him I "murdered" his brother or sister...!!!
I had an abortion the second time I fell pregnant with him as I knew I could not be with this man for any longer, i had not told my son...
This man when I was with him abused and bullied me so badly that i had a nervous breakdown and lost all self esteem. I suffered and still do with post traumatic stress disorder from our relationship even though it ended 14 years ago and I have not been able to have a functional relationship with anyone else since.
I dont know what to do how I can make it better without my son getting it worse from his father who is nothing more than a bully. But I can't sit around and let this happen any longer...this is the most important year for my son he's about to sit his GCSEs...i just cant believe it, i need some support to know what to do so i can support and protect my son in the best way... :((((

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/03/2019 23:40

OP that sounds horrendous.

Surely the court can't force a 16 (nearly 17) year old to see his father? That just doesn't sound right to me.

BloodsportForAll · 28/03/2019 23:41

For a start, I think your son should talk to the police or social services about what his dad calls him and how he is forced to go there, and can they please step in for him and stop it.

They should take it seriously and help your son get away from him. Particularly as this is an important year for him.

Munchkingoat · 28/03/2019 23:42

Oh my goodness a court order won't mean anything now your son is the age he is! Let him go to the police and let him take you to court if he wants - no court is going to insist he had to spend time with his dad now!! He's being utterly ludicrous. Tell your son he doesn't have to go - in fact he doesn't have to see him at all if he doesn't want to! He wouldn't stand a chance in court - it's laughable!!!

Divgirl2 · 28/03/2019 23:42

Tell your son he doesn't have to see his dad.

No court is going to force a child over 16 to have parental contact, and if your ex wants to take it to court let him. It'll be at his expense. If he is harassing you or threatens you please report it to the police (either 101 or 999 depending on the situation).

Friendofsadgirl · 28/03/2019 23:43

Go back to court and ask for the order to be revoked. Your son is over 14 and therefore the court needs to take his wishes into account now. There's good advice here.

Samind · 28/03/2019 23:43

They can't force him. It's emotional abuse and very much a reason why he doesn't have to go. Give him a big hug and tell him this.

FenellaVelour · 28/03/2019 23:44

Your son is 16.
No court would put an order in place to enforce contact for a child of that age. Their wishes and feelings carry so much weight then, it would be futile.
Let him bring enforcement proceedings if he wants. I’ll tell you now, he will get thrown out of court with nothing. And the police won’t be interested.
Any abuse towards you and your son, report it to the police yourself.
Don’t stand for this.
Good luck.

MellowMelly · 28/03/2019 23:45

The father sounds like a nightmare. He is abusive towards your son and that’s horrific.
I would seek advice on this, perhaps social services?
I know there is a court order in place but this can be overturned with the right help if you can both prove that he is an emotionally abusive bully.

Cryalot2 · 28/03/2019 23:45

Am not sure what is best, but neither of you need this.
Keep a lot of all threats and such.
Consult cab or solicitor. Your son needs protecting as do you.
Ring the police if you think either of you are in danger.
Hugs and good wishes x

Singlenotsingle · 28/03/2019 23:46

Look, your son doesn't have to go and see his father if he doesn't want to. A court order is not the court ordering him to do something. It's not for the benefit of the father. It's supposed to be for the benefit of the child, and DS is getting damaged by it. He's not a child any more, ( he's old enough to be married himself!) Just tell him "Right, that's it! No more!" What do you think is going to happen? Nothing!!!

CSIblonde · 28/03/2019 23:48

At 16 he can't be forced to see his father. I'd check the court order, it may mention this. (you could send him a copy with that hilighter if so as he sounds delightful). Then speak to Police if it doesn't or he continues. .

SparklyLeprechaun · 28/03/2019 23:56

Are you sure the court order is still valid? I'm no expert but I thought they normally stopped at 16?

Either way, you've got to have your son's back in this. He's made up his mind, he doesn't want to see his father.

CallipygianFancier · 29/03/2019 00:11

Christ, no kid deserves this. No, he doesn't have to see his dad, I'm all for father's rights, but you need to bloody act like one to have them.

I'd certainly talk to the police about it, see if theres anything they can do. If he absolutely isn't going to be dissuaded from coming around, is there an appropriate person who can at least be in the house with you so you and your son have some support and don't have to be on your own?

FannyFifer · 29/03/2019 00:17

Tell your son he doesn't have to see him again.

dreichuplands · 29/03/2019 01:29

Your son is far too old to have a contact order imposed against his will. Let your son know that at his age it is his decision how often he sees his dad, if at all.

TheSerenDipitY · 29/03/2019 04:01

Disclaimer: i know you have been doing all you can to keep you both safe and have endured a lot of abuse and are still, and that it took a lot of bravery to leave, so please read and understand im not saying you havent done enough to protect him or yourself, just that its not over yet

as much as you have been thru, that you have and are both going thru, its time for you to really, and i mean really stand up to him, start by saying NO, and keep saying NO until you actually feel confident in saying NO, say it and mean it
nothing has changed in your life he is still abusing you both and its now really effecting your son, you need to be his protector in this, the visits are detrimental to his mental health so you need to make it stop and stop today!
start by saying hes not coming and if dickhead turns up you will call the police, even if you have to send your son somewhere for the night to be safe do it,
get your son in to see a therapist or counselor or someone who can help, but also with the idea of help in a court case, if your son agrees for them to tell a judge the effect his father has on him.
maybe some help for your self too, as he is still ruling the roost in your house, so you need to get a little help with your already stiff backbone and make it steal plated, as the abuse you are still getting needs to be stopped and hes wearing you down with every demand, so get some support and a way to vent.
make sure you refuse any verbal contact with your ex dickhead, text message or email only from now on, so you have evidence of his abuse, same with your son... cant be he said she said that way!
then get a lawyer and get to court and get this visitation stopped, yes it might cost more than you can afford for a while but the benefits for both you and your son will last a lifetime, and hopefully give you both some much needed respite from the abuse you are both still suffering from, and your son will know in his heart you have his back and will go to the wall to save him from the abuse he is still suffering from..
again you are doing a great job but unfortunately for you both there is still some work to be done to get the peace and safety you both deserve

EluphNaugeMeop · 29/03/2019 04:24

The court order is not there to force your child against his will. The court order is there to stop the resident parent from blocking access. You are not blocking access.

Apply to the court to have your son's wishes and the emotional abuse he has received considered and thus have the previous order revoked.

Meanwhile until you can get that sorted I suggest your son goes AWOL. If you happen to leave your purse on the table with cash for fares in it, next to your address book full of the names of friends and family he could take refuge with for the weekend, then you will have no idea at all where he has disappeared to and will be unable to do anything to help this nasty piece-of-shit excuse for a father. Make sure that is of your son's own volition though - if you tell him exactly what to do then you would be in breach of the order. But no court would expect a mum to prevent their 17yo from taking off in these circumstances.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 29/03/2019 05:22

I cried when I read your first post, OP - your poor son . Please go back to court. Or at least start with seeing a solicitor.

minty80 · 29/03/2019 05:31

Court order doesn't mean anything at this age. Police aren't going to arrest a 16 year old for not visiting his dad. Your son is old enough to vote with his feet.

Monty27 · 29/03/2019 06:09

This is bollox. You can't force a 16yo to do THAT.
Haven't rtht. Do you have reasons to encourage this OP?

Sh1ttySh1ttybangbang · 29/03/2019 06:17

Nonsense. Your son is an adult, the court order means nothing - he does not have to see his father.

gamerchick · 29/03/2019 06:21

He's 16, as everyone's said the court order means bugger all OP.

Tell him he doesn't have to go anymore if he doesn't want to and tell your ex that we reap what we sow with our kids when they're teens

user1493413286 · 29/03/2019 06:33

Tell your son he doesn’t have to see his dad and block his phone number from his phone or you change your sons number. If he arrives at your house then call the police.
You can decide whether you go back to court to try to get resolution for your son or if you wait for your ex to try; he probably won’t though as any solicitor will tell him that a court would never make a 16 year old see a parent he doesn’t want to see.

NoCauseRebel · 29/03/2019 06:37

Oh yeah, because ringing the police to order a child to visit is really going to go miles towards creating a healthy relationship between a father and son. seriously what an arsehole, and you have to wonder at his warped logic.

At sixteen there isn’t a court in the country which is going to force a sixteen year old to visit a man who threatens to call the police if they don’t.

But actually, I would let him follow through. Tell your son he doesn’t have to go. Then if your ex actually does turn up I would laugh in his face and tell him that the court has not ordered your son to visit and as such he no longer will be. And if he’d like to take that one back to court he can be your guest...

And let’s be honest these things don’t happen over night anyway so by the time he gets a court date your ds will be even older and the court is going to laugh at him.

Oh and if he’d like to ring the police? “Yes officer I’d like to report a crime. What crime you say? Well my son has refused to visit me. I need you to go round there and order my sixteen year old to visit as per the court’s instructions.” Yeah, let him do that, the police need some light relief of a weekend.

Di11y · 29/03/2019 06:42

sounds to me you first report the threats and behaviour to the police then change the court order for peace of mind.

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