Another MIL one, sorry.

[likearatonapotato]

I may be disproportionately upset about this. I don't feel like I am.

MIL has very little to do with DS. That in itself upsets me. She never wants to see him or organise anything. She's seen him once so far this year. We live an hour away, and she refuses to visit unless we come to her, which is difficult with our work schedules. She's able bodied, and drives a few hours it happily if it's an activity she's interested in like a show she wants to see.

I've organised a trip to a sea life centre that is local to MIL. We invited her earlier this week, and she seemed excited. She said she was looking forward to spending time with the three of us. I think great, book the tickets and am genuinely excited that she wants to spend time with DS for a change.

I find out today, she's invited her other GC along with SIL and a couple of others. I'm pissed off. Not about SIL, but about her inviting her other GC along. She sees him 3-5 times a week. I told DH this has annoyed me a bit, as I was really hoping she'd spend some one on one time with DS. He has no bond at all with her, and I really want them to have some sort of relationship. DH thinks I'm overreacting, but I don't feel like I am. MIL will, as always if other DGC is there, largely ignore DS in favour of her friends and other DGC. I'm really disappointed for DS, because it's so clear he is somehow 'less than' his cousin.

And it wasn't her outing to invite everyone else along to! If I wanted everyone else to come along I'd have invited them. DH's response is 'well what do you want me to tell her? It's too late now.' So now he's pissed with me for saying anything.

I think I AIBU actually. Because I can't force someone to spend time with my child if they don't want to. This is more of a whinge really.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I don’t think any good can come from trying to get MIL and your Ds to bond.

I would take this as an expensive lesson that mil is not interested so you need to save your time and money and concentrate on giving Ds a great life.

Pursuing this will mean that Ds will notice that he is not a priority with mil and it will drive a wedge between him and his cousins.

See the cousins separately without mil around.

Dd and ds grew up without gps and really haven’t missed out on anything I don’t think.

They have compared our family to others occasionally but that is because they don’t have aunties and uncles or cousins.
It was only in passing and they then moved on.

[Springwalk]

You describe a very negative situation for your ds. She drags the cousins away from your ds?
I just would not be able to put up with that op. Your son will soon feel like a second class citizen. What will that do to this self worth?
It is golden child/black sheep running into the next generation...
No, no and no.

Pull out for your son’s sake, with any old excuse and take ds elsewhere.

Good parenting is protecting your kids from uneccessary, easily avoidable self esteem killers.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Why are you putting yourself in this situation? Step back OP. You and your DS don’t deserve it. Are your parents involved?

[2muchstress]

Try not to let it upset you....breeze in and enjoy the day, engage with SIL and actively encourage the cousins’ relationship. Get down on the floor with them both, try not to let MILs favouritism put you off the other child. You’re not going to change her so enjoy what you can and don’t overthink it.

[likearatonapotato]

@MortyVicar apologies if this seems like drip feeding!

MIL is very welcome at our house, we have a guest room and invite her to come up for the weekend or the day often. She took us up on the offer once last year as she wanted to go to a nearby event, so she stayed the night and left early morning for her activity then went home. Other than that, she declines.

We've visited her hometown about three times since January - the time totalling about a week and a half spent there, but she's said she's busy every time we've tried to arrange to see her. Even too busy for us to just pop round for coffee for half an hour.

Now that I'm writing this down I realise I'm flogging a dead horse here she just doesn't want to spend time with us does she?

[Chocmallows]

She does not want to be with you, but you sound lovely. Go and spend your time with people who care about you!

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

She's showing favouritism and it's awful!

I'd cancel the trip and find an activity for your DS somewhere else and when she asks tell her what your issue is.

If you don't say what's wrong then nothing will ever change whereas if you say something, things may improve

[FrozenMargarita17]

I would just let it go now op. You've tried hard enough and it looks like it'll be detrimental to your ds in the end. I wouldn't bother anymore.

[rwalker]

perhaps you both find each other hard work and she invited them so it not as intense

[likearatonapotato]

@rwalker I hope I'm not hard work! I'd like to think I'm fairly laid back, but maybe this whole issue is making me come off a little intense.

I think you're all right though. Maybe DS and I just aren't her cup of tea. I've just always been so aware of not playing favourites with my own parents, I've felt really conscious of having a good balance so she doesn't feel pushed out. May be best to give up on this on all together and concentrate on people that actually want to spend time with him.

[Springwalk]

Yep better for him, better for you.
Be glad of the people that do love him.

[Strawberry2017]

My DD is my MILs only grandchild and she won't make any effort either.
We constantly invited her, but unless we go to her we don't see her.
She claims to love her to bits but doesn't even make the effort to text when she knows she's been ill.
We eventually stopped inviting her, the excuses just got embarrassing.
Occasionally we visit but I don't feel guilty for not going more. It's MIL who is missing out on my fabulous little girl.
One day she may realise her mistake but if she doesn't she has to live with the fact she didn't care enough to try.
Good luck OP X

[IlonaRN]

If you've booked tickets, then the others can't come, can they?

[diddl]

" she just doesn't want to spend time with us does she?"

It doesn't really sound like it tbh.

I suspect that your husband knows & is hurt & is taking it out on you.

My husband is an only child, we have the only GC but the ILs have never made much effort.

[greenlynx]

OP, give up on MIL and concentrate on cousins ( if you want). Have a chat with your DH again. His job for the day will be to keep MIL busy. I’m sure he could think of something to discuss with her. Take your DS and the cousin you want him to be friends with and play with them together. Leave MIL to your DH. Bribe him with something to go through this. You can’t change MIL.

[GreenTulips]

Is leave this relationship to your DH to deal with
He can arrange things if he wants
He can sort out packings to go - if he wants too

Surprising how little effort men make!!

If he’s not put the effort in, he won’t see the disappointment in he situation

[Oliversmumsarmy]

What would happen if you asked mil why she was taking the cousin away when they were playing so nicely.

As an adult she isn’t competing with a 3 year old for who the toddler wants to play with surely??

[Chocolateisfab]

I would see if you can change the dates and you go without her next week..
When my dc were small, mil saw them for an hour twice a week when I took them round. Sil was there every day and her dc overnights at the week end. Mil never took my dc anywhere. Not once. Sil had her dc taken on holidays very often.
Ime the quicker you accept it the better for your mh. Stay away, your dc does not need to accept being second rate.

[Stawp]

How old is your son? How old are his cousins?

[GreenTulips]

How old is your son? How old are his cousins?

Not sure why this matters. 2 weeks between golden grandchild my own kids

Some GP just don’t give a damn! You have one of those. Walk away before your DS notices, and they will.

[LateEaster]

OP this sounds awful and as DC start to become more aware it's not something I would be regularly exposing my DC too.

You need to start accepting your mil for whatever reason has little interest in your son. Get over it. Start accepting it.... don't be the person who knows what someone's like but keeps going back for more then moaning....

Gradually phase her out and don't make visits or efforts. And in future if she ever mentioned anything I'd be brutally honest and say... we never had impression you were that interested.

[Stawp]

Some people have more difficulty bonding with babies or toddlers vs older children who can communicate better and play games and such. Hence my question.

[LateEaster]

OP just seen latest update.

Forget it your own mh will suffer.
Once you accept it life will become much easier. Get off wheel.

Do you have parents? Do yours take an interest?

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

It's her loss to not have a relationship with her grandson , you've tried more than most would, take the outing as a chance for him to hang out with his cousins

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

Your son will get so much more out of spending time and making memories with those who really want to be a part of his life. Those who put little or no effort in will be the ones who suffer, not him.