Who was unreasonable? A return of borrowed baby things...

[Cleanmywindows]

A and B are sisters. A has 4 dc aged 7-1. B has 2 dc aged 2 and 7m.

When B had her first dc, A was very supportive and provided a lot of the stuff A needed. When A subsequently had her 4th dc, B sent back various items she was no longer using, along with some items which were new for B. Some of these A then returned to her for use with B's second dc. Overall, A has spent far more money on the items that have been used by both sisters than B.

Recently, A asked B to return a specific toy that A's youngest dc is now at the appropriate stage to use. B said that her oldest dc was still using the toy - would a new replacement of the item be acceptable to A? B said no - for good reasons, she wanted the originally lent item back. B agreed to return the toy.

However, the conversation caused some bad feeling between A and B. B says A did not ever use the words 'lend' or 'borrow' when providing the items to B but feels that, as sisters, this should not need to be explicated. B feels the reverse, claims that she never requested help from A and stated that if there are other items that A has 'lent' to B, then A should say what they are because B did not understand that these items were on loan. B said she would not be able to give back loaned items if she did not know what they were! B feels angry that A was not clear about wanting certain items back. She said she would not have accepted children's toys 'on loan'. A feels angry that B has taken her assistance for granted and has not acknowledged the financial value of the items.

A responded with a list of items - two higher value items and a few more specific toys, and requested that these be returned today. A said that she is struggling financially, and can either make use of the items herself (and therefore not be out of pocket for similar items) or resell them and bring in much needed funds. B is coming to the end of mat. leave, with not much to spare herself, but is not struggling as much as A who is a SAHM and has recently had her tax credits cut. B said that she will need to replace some of the items, some of which are necessities (breastpump) others of which will be missed by her toddler, who doesn't understand why her toys have been taken away. A told B that she cannot afford to be out of pocket on account of things she's already paid for once. B told A that her restricted finances are a result of her decision to stay at home and are not anyone else's problem. A told B that she is done with the sharing of items and that the future of the whole relationship was in question. B cut A off, and ended the call, saying to A that she was coming close to saying things she would come to regret. B returned the items (via a third party) and so far no further messages have been exchanged.

Obviously I am one of these people. If my sister is reading, she'll certainly recognise herself as I've been pretty specific! I've tried to be neutral, although obviously that's hard. Who was being unreasonable?

[WarpedGalaxy]

Excuse the many many typos in previous post, keyboard went bananas.

[MyDcAreMarvel]

A is being unreasonable and needs to get a grip.

[Stompythedinosaur]

I think A is unreasonable for not being clear that the items were lent and might be reclaimed while B was still using them. She is particularly unkind to take away toys that a dc is attached to and should have accepted a replacement.

B was unreasonable to comment on A's decision to be a SAHM and her finances.

[AliceLiddel]

A was unreasonable for not making it clear they were on loan but B was being unreasonable in how she reacted

[nocoolnamesleft]

I am going with the more unreasonable one is whichever one the OP is, because anyone that would post that much A and B crap to try to hide their identity, or pretend that any OP ever accurately gives both sides, is unreasonable for posting that way.

[3in4years]

ABCDEFG
A was Being kind.
Didn't C another DC on the way.
EEE! Another DC!
What The F!
Gimme my toys back... no G's left to buy more.

You are A, that was obvious. She is struggling for cash and doesn't want to buy again. Tricky.

[3in4years]

Bugger I meant you were B. F,ing confusing letter sh*t. Just say 'my sister and I' ffs!

[everydaymum]

A may have spent more money over the years, but she's had 4 DCs, so that's to be expected. If the items were only on loan, it should have been clearly stated. I don't think they were a loan until she realised she was a bit short of cash and became a CF.
If she wouldn't accept a new replacement I assume it's for sentimental reasons. But if that's the case why on earth lend the items in the first place?
I would have seen the items as given unless stated otherwise.
It's really all just a misunderstanding and you both need to accept that and move on.

[BlackCatSleeping]

The thing is, you can buy bundles of kids clothes and toys from selling pages really cheap. Then, there’s no hassle about returning them.

I don’t think either A nor B were unreasonable really. It sounds like a misunderstanding. That’s all.

[Blissx]

I think it is fair enough, if A is using her stretched finances as a reason for demanding the toys back suddenly, that B points out A chooses to be a SAHM and it’s not B’s fault that she is using the items that were given to her in good faith.

[Faroutbrussel]

Do you mean a push along truck used for when they are just walking? To be honest if her child was just the right age for it I would I just given it back and either got my own or purchased a new toy for my own DC. Is your DC really that attached to it?

[Decormad38]

Why didn’t you just write this in first person? It’s like some general knowledge exam question!

[Butteredghost]

Oh you are B! I thought you were A. Anyway I think A is being unreasonable. Although it sounds like in the heat of the argument B did say things that were mean.

Any time you give away baby things, and don't 100% specify that it's a loan, you can ask for them back but cannot expect to get them. They might be still being used, given away or broken/worn out.

A is also BU asking for the breast pump back out of spite that she isn't using anyway. You don't get much selling used baby equipment anyway, especially not stuff that has been used for 6 babies.

The fact that A spent more doesn't come in to it. A didn't buy any of that baby stuff soley to share it with B, she just bought stuff she needed. If B had turned it down, or not had children, A still would have spent the same. That's just how it is if you happen to have dc first.

[ReaganSomerset]

A is the most unreasonable. It's fair to assume that items have been given rather than put out on loan unless otherwise stated.

[Quietvoiceplease]

Are you both teenagers? It so reminds me of those squabbles about 'borrowed' jumpers or LPs or books.

The best solution, only solution, is to be the first person to apologise. Not about the things themselves, but that you've either misread the situation, been thoughtless, or not seen things from her side. Or all three. You may have been wronged, but pop the pride away and say sorry. It's really powerful. Sisters are quite precious things.

[Fucket]

Well if A is facing having tax credits cut, has 4 dc and probably little hope of finding a job that will sustain her huge childcare bill, I would probably cut some slack. You have to be pretty desperate to have to reclaim items from others to sell on, these things don’t sell for much after all.

Sometimes becoming a sahm gets forced upon you, by employers, partners and financial/childcare circumstances. Sometimes pride prevents mums opening up over it. But regardless hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Your smug, snippy comment may come back to bite you on the arse one day.

If you care about your relationship with your sister, forget this, support her as she has supported you, take her out for coffee (and pay) and let her offload. Try not to pass judgment on her decisions though!

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Maybe A should have thought about her finances before having four children...

[Cherrysherbet]

I’d blame x,y, and z. They’re always up to no good.

[Aria999]

If you take something, always ask 'do you want this back or should I just give it away when I'm done with it'.

If you're lending/ giving something, say it's a loan or say it's a gift.

I always give not lend and I always check as receiver (I seldom accept loans).

YANBU, B. Hope you guys can make it up though. It's not your fault she hasn't any money right now but she's probably having a hard time and so blowing this out of proportion.

[AJPTaylor]

Of course A has spent more than B, she has chosen to have 4 children. Honestly it sounds like a silly argument between 2 people feeling the pinch.
Has this row been conducted by text? Can you just meet face to face to iron it all out?

[10IAR]

Both have been petty, but demanding toys be removed from little kids to make a point is just bloody spite.

So because of that, A is BU more. Purely because I can't abide people who would rather be right than think of how they're affecting little kids.

[Feb2018mumma]

B is wrong. I have all my sister's baby things, she is pregnant so I gave them back (except toddler things she doesn't need for a while). Why should someone buy all new items becuase her sister (who previously gave the items back) now wants to keep them. It's crazy to expect someone to buy new items becuase you want to keep their items? Cheeky enough as a friend but a sister shouldn't want to take advantage of her sister!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

The loan / give was a bit of a misunderstanding. They happen. I think you need to apologise to your sister. She has 4 kids. She’s stressed. Your comment about her finances were really nasty. She was a dick about the toy. But this was actually the only thing you were asked to return until you got shitty with her. She then asked for everything back to sell because she’s in financial dire straits. That’s not your responsibility. But it’s in your hands to ease that burden a little.

[AuntieCJ]

A is unreasonable. She's prepared to deprive a toddler of a toy that's loved and used. So mean and nasty. For that alone she is being very U.

She wasn't clear to start with. I'm at a loss to understand why she would expect toys back. Equipment and clothes for sure but you don't give toys away to DCs then demand them back.

Horrible and spiteful. In your place I'd go NC. She isn't a nice person.

[Feb2018mumma]

Oops just had the time to read the whole thread and realised you are B and offered to pay for new items and didn't tell her to pay for them! So sorry for that! My sister honestly never told me her items were on loan but as soon she got pregnant I gave them back as it's polite in my view? In kind of a opposite situation, I earn about 10 times less than my sister, but I honestly just didn't think to keep her stuff even though she never said it was a lease? (I think I'm the minority on this thread as everyone else thinks she is rude for wanting her things back. I think a friend is one thing, but you should be able to ask your sister for your own items if you are a struggling mum, also breastfeeding with 4 kids is a struggle in itself!!)