Is it "borderline child abuse" to take away a 14yo's phone/access to devices?

[Greensleeves]

...as a consequence for very poor behaviour at school? He's also grounded. It's for a week initially, he will earn his privileges back when school report a significant improvement.

His contention is that it cuts off his ability to communicate with his friends and leaves him with nothing to do

My view is that parents have been grounding children for far longer than children have had access to electronic means of communicating with their friends. And it's not supposed to be fun.

I'm not sure though, hence posting. AIBU? Is he right that it's too much?

[N0rdicStar]

We do this with our 15 and 14 year olds a lot for serious misdemeanours ie rudeness or screen dishonesty at home. The whole lot goes. They generally get an hour of recreational screens after school and then access for homework. Everything downstairs after that..It's the only punishment which bites.

Have been called the worst mother in the world as everybody else can do what they want,when they want as regards screens apparently.They're well behaved at school and generally at home.My dad used to put a lock on our phone pre mobiles. We survived.

[fruityb]

Where I work first confiscation is a letter home and phone kept till end of school day. Second is it needs to be collected by someone - they can’t have it back. We’ve had kids stage sit ins demanding their phones back, kids trying to get them themselves... and some parents who say “I’m free in a week I’ll come in then” 😊 those are the ones I love.

It’s scary how desperate they are to have them. Surely being grounded is meant to cut you off?? I managed when I was when younger and smart phones weren’t around. I read a book or did some school work. It’s really not that hard to fill your time even in this day and age.

[abbsisspartacus]

What I say to my ten year old (when he said I was a child abuser for locking his switch off the internet as he was being aggressive rude and fucking nasty) was, use the time to improve your attitude because your not getting it back by using your mouth at me LEARN FROM THIS he rolled his eyes yeah yeah

I got my better attitude

[SmileEachDay]

was recently doxxed to the school SLT by another MNer who recognised my other child from my description

I hope the school told the other MNer that they weren’t remotely interested in posting on an anonymous forum?


Although it’s a timely reminder that we’re never totally safe on the internet...

[Bouchie]

Abuse. He obviously doesn't know the meaning of the word. I would look at restricting his screen use much more if he is struggling to find stuff to do.

[Jackshouse]

Chouetted in that situation you have given a meal so it’s not abuse but say not offering or refusing to give tea/dinner as punishment would be abuse.

Personally I would offer the chicken again later or send them to the fruit bowl. But that’s just my parenting.

[Godowneasy]

You're doing the right thing Greensleeves!
If he continues to moan on about it, I'd tell him you'll add extra time before he can have it back.

[Costacoffeeplease]

It is worrying that he can make you doubt yourself to this extent. It’s common sense that this is not child abuse, step back and look at it from the outside, can you see a tabloid headline ‘parent jailed for child abuse by withholding mobile’?

It’s just ridiculous, I’m afraid you need to toughen up a lot

[thefirst48]

Your the adult you know what's best for your child. I'm not at the teenage stage yet but I'll have no concerns about taking away their technology if I need too.

[Mmmhmmokdear]

Nothing to do? I'm sure you could find him some things to do round the house. Or he could read or play games. Stand your ground OP.

[LittleCandle]

DD1 was extremely rude to the babysitter when she was 13. She was grounded for 3 weeks, only came out of her room to eat with the family and go to the toilet. She was much improved after that for a while.

Actions have consequences. Stick to your guns. We used to switch off the router if DD2 was not doing as asked. If she had homework that required the internet, it was done at the kitchen table so we could supervise and then off went the router. She learned.

I do remember telling DD1 to phone Childline/social services if that was what she really wanted and then they could deal with her behaviour. Oddly enough, she didn't.

[GeorginaxXx]

yes

[Kenworthington]

Hey Greeny, you’re in the right. I bet you cave though. I always do. I always feel bad. I can stick at it for a Few days. He’s def trying it on and mine would say the same. FWIW it’s the ONLy punishment that works with mine

[LuggsaysNotaWomen]

Phones are neither a necessity nor a right. Poor behaviour should always have consequences and taking the phone away is a good one.

As for the isolation from friends thing? Bahahahaha! I wasn't allowed to use the house phone to chat with friends, ever, and mostly only saw friends during school or club times due to living outside of the town. It was fine. Friendships were maintained. He's being a "worky ticket" (trying it on) as my old nan used to say.

[AlecTrevelyan006]

OP - I appreciate that you don't give too many details but without knowing what your son has done wrong I'm not sure anyone else can accurately say whether or not you are being unreasonable

removing access to mobiles and associated devices is clearly not 'borderline child abuse' but I reiterate my earlier point that it is not necessarily a proportionate, appropriate and effective punishment.

I am generally not in favour of punishing people twice. If a child has done something wrong at school that warrants some form of punishment then it should primarily be the responsibility of the school to impose that punishment and it should be related to attendance, behaviour and actions at school. The parent(s) should support the school's decision but should not (generally) impose extra, non-school related punishment.

The caveat is that if the poor behaviour/actions are repeated/very serious then further punishment may be warranted, but even then it should still be appropriate and proportionate. Ideally you should always leave room to escalate, rather than imposing a very harsh punishment in the first instance and also, ideally, you would inform your son what punishment he can expect in future. Also worth bearing in mind that unless your son accepts and recognises that he does something wrong then no amount or type of punishment is going to change his behaviour.

[goldengummybear]

No. A phone is a privilege and not a right. He knows how to earn them back so needs to buck up his ideas and get on with it.

It's hard to block online access. I need to take tablets, laptops and game consoles as well as phone.

[clairedelalune]

Withholding a meal is abuse if it is 'you are not having a meal' it is not 'here is your dinner' 'but i don't want that' 'thats the meal on offer'.
Witholding a phone for a week is not isolating. Not when they are going to school. Not when theres a time limit on it.a relatively short time limit. If people view it as abuse, did the majority of us grow up abused? Mobiles werent invented when i was that age and my parents had the 'audacity' to take me away on holiday in school holidays so no communication with my friends.... i didnt view that as abuse as it isnt
OP i would suggest to him that he does some extra gcse revision to help him get the grades he will need for law school

[Greensleeves]

@KenWorthington I haven't caved yet! He's turning my fucking hair grey with his moping and sighing though

[Costacoffeeplease]

Shame

[deadliftgirl]

I would not even give a 14 year old their own electronic devices (phone mainly)!

[Smotheroffive]

No, you just take them off the router?! Golden

[DrCristinaYang]

My foster mum always used to take all my devices from me for the slightest thing even after I had turned 18 and was paying for them myself.
In that context it was abusive in combination with other things that had happened.
However as a direct consequence for poor behaviour with a specified timeline it is suitable in this case.

[Smotheroffive]

Did you report her Dr ?

[twoshedsjackson]

As he's seeing his friends at school, why not suggest composing a nice handwritten letter to one or all of them, to hand over tomorrow?
That should set him off nicely.......offer to check his grammar and spelling to be extra helpful.
This entitled behaviour can start very early. Once sanctioned a Y3 (7 years old) child who asked to visit the loo in lesson time, not to answer Nature's call, but to gain solo access to the (very popular) climbing frame, forgetting that he could be seen from the classroom. Sanction was to miss the next break time, as he'd already had his climbing go during lesson time. His next move was to appear in the school office, asking to use the school phone (permitted if a good reason was given) as he wished to ring ChildLine for this heinous deprivation of his rights. I suppose we should have been grateful that Junior School boys were not allowed mobile phones in school.
Anyway, the fact that your DS believes he is being abused shows that he is a lucky boy with no conception of what abuse is really like, if he really means it (which I doubt).

[ALittleBitofVitriol]

You're doing him a favour. It's the opposite of abuse, it's good parenting.

He can choose to be a mature person, think about his behaviour and respect his parents, and earn back their trust.

Or he can choose to be an immature whiner and prove that taking away the devices was exactly the right call.

14 is not a baby. He can be thankful this is a relatively painless lesson and stop behaving like a shit.