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AIBU?

Is it "borderline child abuse" to take away a 14yo's phone/access to devices?

100 replies

Greensleeves · 08/02/2019 19:25

...as a consequence for very poor behaviour at school? He's also grounded. It's for a week initially, he will earn his privileges back when school report a significant improvement.

His contention is that it cuts off his ability to communicate with his friends and leaves him with nothing to do

My view is that parents have been grounding children for far longer than children have had access to electronic means of communicating with their friends. And it's not supposed to be fun.

I'm not sure though, hence posting. AIBU? Is he right that it's too much?

OP posts:

Report

Arkos · 08/02/2019 19:45

As a teacher can I just say well done and thank you for supporting the school

Maddiii56 · 08/02/2019 19:45

There is no way you can rule out MH issues you are not in his brain 24/7

Greensleeves · 08/02/2019 19:45

I have had a very long, in-depth conversation with him - several in fact, and I'm confident he isn't struggling with a MH problem. We're no strangers to MH issues in our family so I'm not hostile to the idea, it just isn't what's happening here.

Why do you think I don't talk to him Maddi, and why do you think he must be mentally ill

OP posts:

Maddiii56 · 08/02/2019 19:47

You just seem massively quick to dismiss it I think you should take another look

SovietKitsch · 08/02/2019 19:47

😂 of course not! As I always say to my kids, a phone is a privilege not a right. If they behave like an arse, they lose their privileges! Take it off —maddiiii— him for a week, then reintroduce the next week, earning time based on chores done. Not harsh at all.

Maddiii56 · 08/02/2019 19:48

My son was having the same sorta problems you are discribing and I was quick too dismiss MH and my son ended up selfharm if for most of his teenage years

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/02/2019 19:48

Of course it's not child abuse. I take away DS's technology sometimes as a punishment consequence of poor performance in school. I tend not to ground him though as I consider grounding to be parent abuse.

Greensleeves · 08/02/2019 19:49

I'm only quick to dismiss it on this thread because I've already given it a lot of consideration! I am in touch with school about this and I DO talk to him a lot. I'm not just robotically imposing punishments and not thinking about what's behind the behaviour. I don't know why you think I am

OP posts:

Maddiii56 · 08/02/2019 19:50

Also I don't think he MUST be I just think you should really think about whether you do know or not

Oakmaiden · 08/02/2019 19:51

Obviously that is a shame, Maddii, bu it does show you are projecting. The OPs son is not your son. The issues are not necessarily the same. Making the suggestion once is fine, banging on about it and implying the OP is doing her son untold harm is way over the top.

Greensleeves · 08/02/2019 19:51

I will, Maddii. Thank you

OP posts:

wednesdayrobyn · 08/02/2019 19:52

Surely the whole point is it’s a punishment and therefore a privilege has been taken away. If he’s seeing friends at school then I don’t see an issue.

To be fair I was fairly dramatic as a teenager and probably would have said something similar to my mum in the hope of her giving in and handing the phone back.

bridgetreilly · 08/02/2019 19:52

Isolation is bad for mental health, true. But seeing people all day at school is not anything like isolation. He will be absolutely fine and there is nothing remotely abusive about this.

coppercolouredtop · 08/02/2019 19:53

nope put your foot down.

i dealt with a child today who is just 16. mother is scared of them . gives totally mixed messages all the time. the day my teen scared me would be the day i jacked parenting in.

set firm boundaries. they will thank you for it later on.

the child i dealt with today was totally and utterly lost. i felt so sorry for them. more so for them than the wet parent tbh. they made that child what they were through inconsistency and thoroughly wet parenting with no boundaries or consequences and now the consequences will be young offenders if they are lucky. society doesnt put up with shit.
nor should parents. teach them that early on.

i love both mine dearly and they are wonderful adult humans! ive no idea when parents started being ruled by their kids but its a bad move.

Chouetted · 08/02/2019 19:54

@Jackshouse well I think you've made my somewhat jocular point.

kitkatsky · 08/02/2019 19:54

If you have a landline hand him the handset and the number for Childline so he can report you 😂😂 Tell him you'll reduce an amount of the ban IF he puts call on speaker for your enjoyment x

Rosieposy4 · 08/02/2019 19:57

So agree copper, one of the worst things you can do for your kids is to be a wet blanket sort of parent. Leaves the poor sods rudderless, badly behaved and not very likeable.

EwItsAHooman · 08/02/2019 20:06

It's absolutely not child abuse to confiscate his phone and electronics.

DS is currently on a week long phone and PS4 ban due to his attitude towards everyone else. Things like head buried in phone while snapping at his younger siblings, getting angry when told it's time to put them away, and being possessive over whose turn it is on the Playstation.

He was warned he would be banned, didn't heed it, and so got banned. My reasoning is that I don't want to raise an arsehole therefore he has to be taught that shitty actions have negative consequences.

He is on day three and his attitude has improved a lot for which he is getting lots of praise and alternative rewards like a movie night instead of phone/PlayStation.

MitziK · 08/02/2019 20:07

[stifles a laugh]

You could give him the phone back.

Minus the SIM and after you've changed the router password.

He's got the phone then, hasn't he?

I've heard all sorts of things being termed child abuse - being expected to tidy a bedroom and not being cooked a different dinner from scratch at 11.30pm when they've turned their nose up at the 6pm one/stuffed themselves on a chicken bucket on the way home, or being told that if their washing isn't in the linen bin, it won't be washed are notable ones.

This is on a par with those.

Maddiii56 · 08/02/2019 20:48

@kitkatsky wasting childlines time is no joke

Jackshouse · 08/02/2019 20:50

Chouetted everyone of the many child protection courses I have been on have said withholding a meal is abuse.

TeaBea2019 · 08/02/2019 20:53

FFS to all those saying yes! You lot are the reason for the snowflakes and shit kids teachers have to deal with!!! Get a F'ING GRIP YOU IDIOTS! The answer tongue OP is no. Don't be a F'ING snowflake!!!

HalfBloodPrincess · 08/02/2019 21:00

My ds truanted from school and the school had to report it to the police due to safeguarding.

When he came home he found i’d stripped his room bare everything except bed/wardrobe and the lotr books, and made it clear it would stay that way for 2 weeks.

A police officer visited for a chat with him later that night, and DS ASKED IF HE COULD REPORT ME FOR THEFT OF HIS PROPERTY!

The officer looked at him and said ‘mate you’ve got off lightly - if it were my mum I wouldn’t even have a bed and I doubt I’d be able to sit down for a week’.

So no, op, I don’t believe it is child abuse at all.

CherryPavlova · 08/02/2019 21:05

Not abuse. Sound parenting. Fourteen year olds definitely need to know who is in charge and where the boundaries are.
Would it be abusive if you simply couldn’t afford a phone?
Abuse is holding burning cigarettes on the back of a child’s hand; it’s hitting a six year old with a belt, it’s locking them under the stairs without food for three days.
It’s not abuse to impose a reasonable sanction. To suggest it might be undermines the true definition of abuse.

EduCated · 08/02/2019 21:10

His contention is that it cuts off his ability to communicate with his friends and leaves him with nothing to do

What does he think being grounded should involve?! Because that rather seems to be the point of it...

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