To be angry at my mum?

[CookingMomma]

She’s decided to move to Australia, we’re in the UK.

She’s just decided to go. She’s almost 60, single and reckons she can work for a year out there then retire.

She’s leaving behind me, my brother and my DD aged 3.

My brother has ASD and bipolar tendencies; he also has a blood disorder. He lives with my mum and she is his carer. He wouldn’t get an Australian visa, so her plan was to leave him in her flat. He’s never lived independently, he can cook and feed himself, but he can’t budget very well despite being taught on multiple occasions, he regularly runs up debts from over spending on video games, he works but needs to be reminded to shower or get a haircut reminders on his phone/calendar aren’t enough. She is also expecting me to “keep an eye on him”.

I am a single mother to a 3 year old DD, who has a disability of her own. I have her 85% of the time, do all of her care, all of her appointments, all of the Nursery runs. I do work in a very flexible role which allows me to work from home as and when I need to, but I can’t care for my brother. Plus I rely on my mum to have DD once a month to give me a break – you know so I can have more than 1 glass of wine – She offered this when I split with Ex and it’s not expected but it is nice to have a break and not wake up at 6am.

There’s also her elderly dad. I do my bit where I can but the care is shared mainly between my mum and her two sisters. Her sisters both work and fit care for granddad around their work. She also may never see him again.

I cannot go with her. I would love to but my support network is here, plus I know Ex doesn’t have DD much but I’d be devastated if he moved abroad with DD thus preventing me seeing her as often so I’d never do that to him. And I don’t want to spend all my holidays abroad in Australia, I haven’t even taken DD abroad yet so don’t know how she’d cope.

And my brother may never be able to visit her either as he doesn’t fly well and due to his ASD can’t fly alone, no way am I coping with a disabled 3 year old and autistic brother on a flight alone.

She’s apparently got it all planned out. Will go and live with a cousin of hers whose out there, apparently they’ve been talking about it loads. She’s going to be able to come back once every 2 years to visit.

I asked what happens if DBro loses the roof over his head as he can’t cope, she just said we needed to fend for ourselves now, and surely I’d not let my brother be homeless. I pointed out I am tight for space myself as I have a small 2 bed house which adapted for a wheelchair, she said he’d have to learn to sleep on the sofa then. I said what about her dad, and she says he wants her to be happy. What about your sisters and his care? They’d manage.

AIBU to irrationally angry that she just wants to up and leave me to deal with everything? I consider myself to be strong and independent but I can’t imagine just upping and leaving without a thought for anyone or anything else. She also has two cats who haven’t been factored into her plans. I’m all for fresh starts, but think you can have that without going to the other side of the world away from your family and friends - I know he cousins family too but she hasn't seen him since they were teenagers as he moved to oz at 18.

I’m not going to talk her out of it, but will be there to say “I told you so” when it all goes wrong.

[teagivesphoebethetrots]

ds has ASD and I do wonder at his future. BUT I wouldnt dump him on a relative no matter how worn out I was! Id also be looking long term for when Im no longer around, so I see ops anger in that side of things. Your mum needs to sort out her son properly, because in time shell be too old/ infirm/ frail etc. Nows a good time to get things sorted. Also sort her dads care. I agree knock the monthly care of your DD on the head for a while. You get a break from your dd because of your ex! what about your mum?

[haloumi]

Whilst it sounds like your mum is being unrealistic...

Imagine how you would have to cope if she "wasn't around anymore" ,..

you'd have to manage, somehow?

sad but true.

[Italiangreyhound]

OP in the nicest possible way your brother is not your responsibility. If you had lots of time and money and were not a single parent to a disabled child you might be able to do more. Bit I cannot see you can supply the help needed.

Quite aside from emigrating your mum won't live forever and so even if she doesn't go abroad, she should be looking for long term care solutions for your brother.

Many, many people emigrate and leave parents behind. So leaving her dad isn't such a big thing in my mind.

Good luck.

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

Your poor mum. Sounds like Australia isn't possible for her anyway but to me this sounds like a cry in the dark for some bloody help or a break of some kind. When was the last time anyone did anything for your mum, to lighten or share her load?

It's totally reasonable of her to want to make change. Perhaps you could help her to make change through getting some proper help for your brother and grandad, then she'd be able to live her own life, for a few years, whilst she still can.

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

You also mention that your brother will refuse help and then get in trouble. Perhaps you have to let that happen in order to get him to accept it.

[CookingMomma]

let that happen in order to get him to accept it

I think this is part of my mums problem, he refuses help gets into trouble and she steps in to help rather than stepping back and making him get help.

[teagivesphoebethetrots]

i agree. cruel as it sounds, your mum needs to step back and let the trouble happen, show him he needs the help. Otherwise he won`t learn.

[HoustonBess]

It sounds like the idea of emigrating might be a pipe dream, but why not a gap year?

As for your brother - not your responsibility. And to be honest at some point your mum won't be there to help. Maybe nudging him away from relying on her is not such a bad thing. I don't think that should mean switching to you, though.

If I were you I'd sit down and try to understand the reasons behind her decision and what you could do to help make her happier without taking on extra work when you have your hands full with your daughter.

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

She's not going to get a visa to live and work in Australia at her age. Australia is tough for such things.

But ... this is a wake up call. Your brother needs support. Call your local council and tip them off that help is needed there. He is vulnerable. But he is not your responsibility; you have your own life and child to care for.

Your grandfather's care is also not your responsibility. It's not your mother's and aunts' responsibility either if they decide they can't or won't do it ... again, council can be contacted if it's not going well.

Your mum sounds like she's at the end of her tether. Is she truly supposed to look after everyone else until she dies herself ... because without outside help and support, that appears to be the implicit suggestion...

[Bluntness100]

I can't blame her actually. She's knocking on sixty and must be knackered with it all, I think many people would consider thinking fuck em all, I need time for me for the first time in my life.

Good luck to her. Your brother is an adult, she's right to let him be, if he fucks it, he fucks it. Care can be put in place for her father. And you'll cope without you're one day a month off.

I hope she gets and enjoys her time away.

[WhyOhWine]

I very much doubt the emigration plan would come off. However, it sounds like she needs a proper break and it would be fantastic if she could go there for an extended holiday for say a couple months with everyone's support and good wishes. This could be a good trial for your DB - probably not long enough away for the tenancy to be at risk even if your he struggles a bit.
I am not clear if your mum has a (paid) job here. If so, I guess the question would be whether she could take some unpaid leave.

[Thewheelsarefallingoff]

I really feel for you & your mum, op. Neither of you Abu. I think your mum is being very unrealistic though. It sounds like she has reached the point where she needs to live separately from your brother, but he has refused to go, so she feels the only option is for her to leave. Unfortunately, I think she will have to be a bit more forceful with social services and basically ask your brother to leave.

[CookingMomma]

She works part time but it's not unknown for people in her job to take unpaid sabbaticals.

I will speak to her about support for my brother. I can see her issue as she's worried he'll be in real trouble, but the debts he runs up aren't going to land him in prison (usually catalogues and/or broadband and phone company) so I think she just has to get on with it

[wigglypiggly]

She could speak to social services or maybe his g.p. with him there too to discuss ways he can manage more independently, he works and earns money, they can help him manage his money and make sure he doesn't get into too much house debt. If she rents and goes away is he able to stay there, is he on the tenancy agreement. There are support sites they can access and maybe it's time he moved out into supported living if he is struggling or his rent can be paid directly, is he claiming benefits that help him. If you think he is at risk of financial abuse from companies let social services know

[llangennith]

If you can't do what you want at 60 when can you?
She's taken care of other people all her adult life and now just wants a break.i can't see her being able to settle in Australia but I wish her good luck.
YABU

[PyongyangKipperbang]

the op could step up

She has stepped up.....with her OWN disabled child.

[MrLovebucket]

As has been pointed out, unless she's a secret millionaire she won;t be getting a residency visa.

It sounds like this has been a bit of sudden decision - one that she clearly hasn't researched or she'd already know she won't get a visa.

I assume her flat is 2 bed? If so and it's privately rented then the housing benefit won't cover the full rent. Your brother would get the set rate for a 1 bed/bedsit/single room. He'll get into arrears and be evicted. If it's a council property there's no guarantee they will transfer the tenancy to him, plus same problems re: housing benefit/bedroom tax.

I think this sounds more like a cry for help from your Mum. She's letting you all know she's reached the end of her tether.

[CarolDanvers]

Why should she? She’s spent (wasted really) her life caring for others,

Are we ALL wasting our lives caring for our children then, especially those of us with disabled children, is that even more of a waste of our lives? Maybe we should just dump them into care so we don't have to waste our time on them. What a thing to say.