She’s decided to move to Australia, we’re in the UK.
She’s just decided to go. She’s almost 60, single and reckons she can work for a year out there then retire.
She’s leaving behind me, my brother and my DD aged 3.
My brother has ASD and bipolar tendencies; he also has a blood disorder. He lives with my mum and she is his carer. He wouldn’t get an Australian visa, so her plan was to leave him in her flat. He’s never lived independently, he can cook and feed himself, but he can’t budget very well despite being taught on multiple occasions, he regularly runs up debts from over spending on video games, he works but needs to be reminded to shower or get a haircut reminders on his phone/calendar aren’t enough. She is also expecting me to “keep an eye on him”.
I am a single mother to a 3 year old DD, who has a disability of her own. I have her 85% of the time, do all of her care, all of her appointments, all of the Nursery runs. I do work in a very flexible role which allows me to work from home as and when I need to, but I can’t care for my brother. Plus I rely on my mum to have DD once a month to give me a break – you know so I can have more than 1 glass of wine – She offered this when I split with Ex and it’s not expected but it is nice to have a break and not wake up at 6am.
There’s also her elderly dad. I do my bit where I can but the care is shared mainly between my mum and her two sisters. Her sisters both work and fit care for granddad around their work. She also may never see him again.
I cannot go with her. I would love to but my support network is here, plus I know Ex doesn’t have DD much but I’d be devastated if he moved abroad with DD thus preventing me seeing her as often so I’d never do that to him. And I don’t want to spend all my holidays abroad in Australia, I haven’t even taken DD abroad yet so don’t know how she’d cope.
And my brother may never be able to visit her either as he doesn’t fly well and due to his ASD can’t fly alone, no way am I coping with a disabled 3 year old and autistic brother on a flight alone.
She’s apparently got it all planned out. Will go and live with a cousin of hers whose out there, apparently they’ve been talking about it loads. She’s going to be able to come back once every 2 years to visit.
I asked what happens if DBro loses the roof over his head as he can’t cope, she just said we needed to fend for ourselves now, and surely I’d not let my brother be homeless. I pointed out I am tight for space myself as I have a small 2 bed house which adapted for a wheelchair, she said he’d have to learn to sleep on the sofa then. I said what about her dad, and she says he wants her to be happy. What about your sisters and his care? They’d manage.
AIBU to irrationally angry that she just wants to up and leave me to deal with everything? I consider myself to be strong and independent but I can’t imagine just upping and leaving without a thought for anyone or anything else. She also has two cats who haven’t been factored into her plans. I’m all for fresh starts, but think you can have that without going to the other side of the world away from your family and friends - I know he cousins family too but she hasn't seen him since they were teenagers as he moved to oz at 18.
I’m not going to talk her out of it, but will be there to say “I told you so” when it all goes wrong.
AIBU?
To be angry at my mum?
CookingMomma · 23/01/2019 13:56
CookingMomma this sounds tough for you and your mum.
Your granddad is not your responsibility nor is he your mum's responsibility. If your two aunts cannot manage then they will need to find an alternative solution. Please do not make your mum feel guilty about leaving your granddad. She could have done this at any other time but has stayed in the UK and been his support. She should be free to live her life, IMHO.
Your daughter's dad can help with your daughter so the person I would be most concerned for is your brother.
Please see if you can find any charity that helps work with people with disabilities to see what options are there. Your brother may be willing to go into sheltered housing etc if he knows it will be easier for him.
As others have said it may not be possible for your mum to work abroad and she may need to change her plans. She might even choose to retire abroad, and that may or may not be possible. I think as much as possible work with your mum on finding solutions for your brother than can happen now while your mum is here.
You have seen that being the strong one, the person people go to, has left your mum possibly burnt out. So you can choose now, not to go down that route. Make sure your ex takes his full responsibility (if he is safe to do this) and financial responsibility for your (shared) child.
Your granddad has three daughters and it is not unfair for your mum to go abroad and leave the other two with responsibilities especially if she has been the strong one for many years.
Good luck.
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