To be angry at my mum?

[CookingMomma]

She’s decided to move to Australia, we’re in the UK.

She’s just decided to go. She’s almost 60, single and reckons she can work for a year out there then retire.

She’s leaving behind me, my brother and my DD aged 3.

My brother has ASD and bipolar tendencies; he also has a blood disorder. He lives with my mum and she is his carer. He wouldn’t get an Australian visa, so her plan was to leave him in her flat. He’s never lived independently, he can cook and feed himself, but he can’t budget very well despite being taught on multiple occasions, he regularly runs up debts from over spending on video games, he works but needs to be reminded to shower or get a haircut reminders on his phone/calendar aren’t enough. She is also expecting me to “keep an eye on him”.

I am a single mother to a 3 year old DD, who has a disability of her own. I have her 85% of the time, do all of her care, all of her appointments, all of the Nursery runs. I do work in a very flexible role which allows me to work from home as and when I need to, but I can’t care for my brother. Plus I rely on my mum to have DD once a month to give me a break – you know so I can have more than 1 glass of wine – She offered this when I split with Ex and it’s not expected but it is nice to have a break and not wake up at 6am.

There’s also her elderly dad. I do my bit where I can but the care is shared mainly between my mum and her two sisters. Her sisters both work and fit care for granddad around their work. She also may never see him again.

I cannot go with her. I would love to but my support network is here, plus I know Ex doesn’t have DD much but I’d be devastated if he moved abroad with DD thus preventing me seeing her as often so I’d never do that to him. And I don’t want to spend all my holidays abroad in Australia, I haven’t even taken DD abroad yet so don’t know how she’d cope.

And my brother may never be able to visit her either as he doesn’t fly well and due to his ASD can’t fly alone, no way am I coping with a disabled 3 year old and autistic brother on a flight alone.

She’s apparently got it all planned out. Will go and live with a cousin of hers whose out there, apparently they’ve been talking about it loads. She’s going to be able to come back once every 2 years to visit.

I asked what happens if DBro loses the roof over his head as he can’t cope, she just said we needed to fend for ourselves now, and surely I’d not let my brother be homeless. I pointed out I am tight for space myself as I have a small 2 bed house which adapted for a wheelchair, she said he’d have to learn to sleep on the sofa then. I said what about her dad, and she says he wants her to be happy. What about your sisters and his care? They’d manage.

AIBU to irrationally angry that she just wants to up and leave me to deal with everything? I consider myself to be strong and independent but I can’t imagine just upping and leaving without a thought for anyone or anything else. She also has two cats who haven’t been factored into her plans. I’m all for fresh starts, but think you can have that without going to the other side of the world away from your family and friends - I know he cousins family too but she hasn't seen him since they were teenagers as he moved to oz at 18.

I’m not going to talk her out of it, but will be there to say “I told you so” when it all goes wrong.

[teagivesphoebethetrots]

sounds like shes wanting to run away from all her stress and problems. I see youve tried to get her to seek help, maybe if got help (not saying you OP) shed not feel this need. Does she get a break at all? Does she realise there isnt an NHS out there? She wont just qualify for free healthcare/ pensions etc Id have thought. Has she considered what`ll happen when she is older and infirm? No NHS to just sort it all out!

[justilou1]

Even if she does miraculously land a visa here, does she know how much it costs to live here? It’s so fucking expensive - she’d be absolutely mad. Does she know that we pay for our prescriptions? They’re not covered by the NHS. Rent is insane. Good luck buying a house anywhere..... $$$$$$ Food, public transport and utilities are about twice the price, as is petrol. We don’t get much assistance from our government compared to yours. Am I selling the place? I have spent a lot time living overseas and think that we are being totally screwed when I look at our high taxes and see what we’re getting out of it....

[teagivesphoebethetrots]

I can see why you`re angry, she wants to just run off in your eyes and leave the care/ woes to the rest of the family. But I can see she has had enough as well. Can you find out more in the way of help for her/ brother/ dad?

[CookingMomma]

I admit my first thoughts where selfishly "what about me?" as I am seen as the person to pick up the slack if she can't.

I have told her before she needs to sort help but my brother refuses it, he doesn't trust anyone and as he's an adult and considered able to make his own choices they can't force it on him, but I will try and find a way to help there.

As I said I never asked her to take my DD, and she says she doesn't help me enough and would like to do more, but I will stop sending my DD if it helps.

My granddad is in his 80s, so may not have long left. I don't want her to regret not having a chance to say goodbye.

[MitziK]

If I were her, I'd do it if possible. It's about time she lived her life, rather than everybody else's - and if it doesn't work out, she still has her home to come back to.

You're worrying about losing one night a month childcare - perhaps she was in that situation thirty years ago and just hasn't ever had that break?

I'm not having a go at you at all. But is it possible that some of your anger is that, as you've said, you feel that you can't do the same and are feeling a little jealous that she is in a position where she can?

[CookingMomma]

Her flat is rented so if brother lost it then he'd be homeless and could be deemed to have made himself intentionally homeless.

[Banjax]

so she cant go because shes running everybodys lives?

she will have been doing this for decades by now!
im one decade in and would love to piss off myself.

[teagivesphoebethetrots]

Does she have this rose tinted view of Australia ? Given her age is she still of the belief of easy emigrating etc as it was in the 1960`s or whenever it was? I suppose you could "help" her/ support this dream by showing her what she needs in place, actual reality . Show her its a nice dream, but not a realistic one?

[CookingMomma]

She;s visited on holiday before so I think she thinks it'll be one long holiday with the occasional work shift.

I am not unsympathetic to her, i try my best to help and know she has a lot on. I just don't think upping and leaving without making appropriate arrangements is the way to deal with it.

Personally if she wants to live abroad and see me rarely to never I'd cope with that, but she can't just go. I can't pick up the slack.

[Piffle11]

I think your mum is in for a rude awakening … unless she's a sought-after brain surgeon or suchlike! Australia isn't operating an open door policy for people approaching retirement age: it's not a simple process when you're 30, let alone 60. I don't think you're being selfish: you are worried about what is going to happen to your brother and your grandad, and you know that you're not going to be able to give them the same attention as your DM. Whether your DM is desperate for a break, or is wanting to permanently get away from her current life, well, no-one on here knows for sure. I don't think you are BU to be angry, as it looks as though she is presuming that DB will end up on your sofa and that her DSisters will care for DF. I have a child who will never be able to live independently, and there's no way I would expect his DB to look after him in the future: once I'm incapable or unable to, I will try and find the assistance he needs - I won't be telling him to sleep on his brother's sofa, which clearly isn't adequate.

[Knittedfairies]

I'm not surprised she's fantasising about running away from all her responsibilities. An assisted living placement has already been suggested for your brother; it's worth looking into.

[Racecardriver]

@holymolymekeral Australia has a state subsidised healthcare system (that issctually good) that brits can use due to a reciprocal treaty but many Australians just prefer to go private

[Racecardriver]

OP she is extremely unlikely to get a visa unless she married someone out there. I doubt any of this will actually come to pass.

[Jaxhog]

Is it possible she's saying this because she's fed-up with being taken advantage of, and being everyone's carer? Perhaps you could help her with finding alternative support for your bro?

[Degustibusnonestdisputandem1]

Fuel more expensive in Australia? Not from what I've ever seen. (I visit home regularly, moving back to rural Victoria in October). However as others have said (unless she's seriously wealthy/going to marry an Aussie), she has pretty much no chance of getting a visa. Also the cost of a spouse visa for oz is huge, we're paying 7000 AUD for DH.

[WorldofTofuness]

It is possible to wish her well, while making it clear that you won't pick up the pieces for other than your own DD.

But yes, as others have said, doubtful the Oz thing will come to anything.

[CarolDanvers]

I think you are selfish!! Your poor mum has had to deal with raising and caring most of her life and she's finally had enough. Your only thinking about how her move will affect your life

Who wouldn't be?! Mum has decided to flit off and leave all her responsibilities of "raising and caring" behind in he full knowledge that OP will have to take them on. Poor women yes but poor OP too. Fair enough if she's had enough but you can't just piss off and leave everything for someone else to clear up. I am speaking as the mother of two autistic children and I get no help at so I know how hard it is. It is absolutely not on to tell the single mother of a disabled child that she's selfish because she's concerned of how someone else's decisions is going to impact on her life.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Your brother is refusing help, not your DM. I wonder if by taking herself away from him she thinks people might realise he MUST have help, that it's not optional. A kind of forced crisis. I've been in this position before and I can see why she wants to run away from it all, only in my case I was wondering what would happen if I just wasn't here anymore. You may not be willing to pick up the slack, maybe you could cut her some?

[wigglypiggly]

If its rented property then your brother needs to have something sorted out before she goes, there is help available. She can go there for a long holiday, maybe that would be good for her to get away for a few months, she might not like it but she will find it difficult to just emigrate and retire. Maybe she just needs a break from it all and doesn't need to feel guilty about having some time to herself.

[CookingMomma]

You may not be willing to pick up the slack, maybe you could cut her some?

I am not unsympathetic to her, I can understand why she is stressed and wants to run away. I will try and help with support for my brother, wondering if it could be done in a slightly different way so he might accept it. I will call and speak to adult SS myself if I have to.

[bubblewire]

I have told her before she needs to sort help but my brother refuses it, he doesn't trust anyone and as he's an adult and considered able to make his own choices they can't force it on him

If your brother refuses outside help, I can see why your mum might be at breaking point. This is hugely selfish of him, although I realise perhaps he doesn't have the insight to understand this because of his problems.

Being a long term carer is extremely stressful and isloating.
Maybe have a chat with her, find out more about her plans (which as pp say may be unrealistic) and devise ways to relieve the burden on her so she can live her own life.

[HollowTalk]

I think the first thing that needs to happen is that she gets her son into some sort of sheltered accommodation and stays here for a while until he gets used to it. My elderly aunt is in a nursing home and says it's taken 6-9 months for her to get used to that so I think your mum should factor that kind of timescale into it, so that he's got to know people and is in familiar surroundings. I don't know how easy/difficult that would be but assume she needs to approach social services.

Secondly, forget her babysitting - it's not a good enough reason for her to stay. Can your ex have your daughter for a bit more of the time if you are struggling?

Don't suggest you'll replace her in your granddad's care. That's for her and her sisters to figure out.

Ask her about visas. Go online and check in front of her. Look up what happens if she overstays her visa. Look up what happens if she's caught working while she overstays her visa. Tell her to look up health costs. The thing is that she'll find she can't stay there anyway, so she'll just have to go for a holiday.

[ForaSheepAsALamb]

I can't pick up the slack.

But you expect your mum just to carry on? I feel sorry for her.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

www.qropsspecialists.com/retire-to-australia/

Unless she has a bank full of cash plus a pension that will pay 40k a year, she isnt going anywhere........

[CookingMomma]

Can your ex have your daughter for a bit more of the time if you are struggling?

Contact is court ordered so he can't. He has EOW Friday - Sunday but I tend to use Friday to catch up with work, Saturday to try and get some time to myself/with friends and then she's back early Sunday.