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AIBU?

Partner wants to go away for 4 days 3 weeks before my due date - need help with this one

55 replies

Baileyswithice1 · 07/01/2019 20:27

I’m due baby number 3 at the end of March. Partner has just asked me if I’d be ok with him going away to Germany to see his friend who is in the army, for 4 nights, 3 weeks before my due date. I asked if he could go sometime this month or during February but he says he can’t as his friend has other commitments...training...etc.

I don’t want to say to him not to go but I do feel it’s a bit close to when I’m due. Both of my DD’s came early and my labours were really quick (3 and 4 hours) so I know if I went into labour while he was there there’s absolutely no way he would get back on time for the birth.

Would I be unreasonable to say I’m not ok with it? I know if I say I don’t want him to go, he won’t.

OP posts:

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ISmellBabies · 07/01/2019 20:59

Wtf is wrong with him? You'll be term at 37 weeks and could give birth any time. Why on earth is he happy to risk that, not to mention leaving you heavily pregnant with 2 kids to look after on your own. Can't he take some responsibility for being there to look after you if you need it at that time?

Lauren83 · 07/01/2019 21:00

My DP is going on a lads piss up in Amsterdam a few weeks before I'm due, DS will be 16 months when he goes and I'm working up to my due date, my only worry is he drops off radar when drunk (not for any dodgy reason just when he has had too many) and I don't like the idea of not being able to get hold of him but I'm thinking the chances of something happening in the time he is alway is slip. I will make sure I have the numbers of a few people he is with and know where he is staying

Productrecall · 07/01/2019 21:01

Why 4 nights? He should think himself lucky with 2. Not that I think it's a good time for him going, and you'd hope he'd have realised this himself. Unless there's a big back story, he should be putting you and DC first at this point, not thinking about going abroad. Is this friend particularly close?

Smotheroffive · 07/01/2019 21:06

I don't understand why these guys would want to risk missing this one-off-never-to be-repeated emotional and amazing event of seeing their DC come into the world.

Sorry, lost me. Would any of you risk missing this if one of your dds was in that position and you were the birth partner?

It's a double whammy isn't it of knowing someone needs you there and not wanting to miss such an amazing happening.

I will not be going anywhere when one of mine go into labour! Why would you?

Baileyswithice1 · 07/01/2019 21:06

@lauren83

I’m also working up to my due date. I’m just concerned that I could go into labour early and when I’m myself with DC’s, or even go while in work while they’re at school. All my family live at least 5 miles away, none of them drive and they all work full time so I really need DP on hand at all times during the last few weeks of my pregnancy

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 07/01/2019 21:08

Do these guys not give a shit about their wives and bonding with their babies? Who does this?

gluteustothemaximus · 07/01/2019 21:09

This pisses me off.

He shouldn't even be suggesting it.

By asking you, he's absolved responsibility. If you say yes, I guess you're the cool chilled out wife/girlfriend. If you say no, then you'd be perceived as being unreasonable.

Actually, he's the unreasonable one for suggesting it in the first place. Fucks sake.

(also, good luck OP with number 3. Hope it goes well)

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 07/01/2019 21:11

Your last update is very concerning.

Does he not grasp the level of support he'll be providing for you (ie if he stays, I mean). Maybe he genuinely felt like a spare part at the 2 previous births or something. Have you asked him what HIS plan to support you is, if he goes?

Lauren83 · 07/01/2019 21:11

I completely understand, I was surprised mine wanted to go but he didn't ask he just said his friends were going (before we met he went on 4 hols a year with same friends) I said go if you want and he said if I didn't mind he would. People I have spoke to IRL are surprised he is going and that I said I'm ok with it. To be fair he is going for less time then some of them so I'm glad with that. I have my family 15 Miles one way and his family are only 3 miles away the other side.

pickles184 · 07/01/2019 21:12

Given that you have history of going into labour early and this is purely a social visit then YWDNBU to say no to the timing of the trip. If it was an important trip and the timing was unavoidable that would be different, but it would be wrong of him to go under these circumstances. It is frankly pretty awful of him to put the onus on you to have to tell him he can't go, he shouldn't need you to tell him the timing doesn't work.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/01/2019 21:15

He "can't" go at a different time because his friend has other commitments?

SO DOES HE!!! Being there for his wife!

Juells · 07/01/2019 21:16

ISmellBabies

Wtf is wrong with him?

^^ this

Smotheroffive · 07/01/2019 21:18

Lauren its that hes not bothered about risking missing it!!

Life and death decisions can be made in these highly intense events; why, just why?

Are you happy to labour alone, if he happy for you to be labouring alone (and potentially get into difficulties) and him not even be there to speak for you, or see his baby born... Why have babies and partners if this is how lightly they treat them

Smotheroffive · 07/01/2019 21:19

I bet he'd be pissed at you going away if he had to have an op to have a bollock removed (not even a comparison!)

diddl · 07/01/2019 21:23

"I don’t want to say to him not to go"

Why?

He's asked hasn't he-or are you supposed to just say yes?

Will you be in the wrong either way-ie you say yes & he isses birth it's your fault, you say no, there's no birth he could have gone-your fault?

Or has he actually asked because he wants your truthful answer?

Sophiesdog11 · 07/01/2019 21:25

Well my second came at 34 weeks, rushed to SCBU, had a serious heart problem diagnosed at 3 days and first surgery at 5 days. I am so glad that DH didn’t have any ideas of being away in the weeks leading up to her due date.

DS was 2.5, our back up team (in laws) were 3hrs away! Fortunately it happened on one of his nursery days, albeit when we should have been heading off on a holiday. To the bemusement of nursery staff, he was dropped there at 8am instead, picked up later on by in laws, and gained a sister in the meantime (labour of about 5hrs, not as quick as when I had DS, which was 60mins from hospital arrival to delivery, with not much time at home before heading in)

Good luck Op, I hope it works out, I am not sure I could be with someone selfish enough to even think this, even if he doesn’t eventually go.

DaphneFanshaw · 07/01/2019 21:25

I’m another poster who is surprised he would even ask, not just becuse he would risk missing the birth, but he’s put you in a position where you feel guilty about saying you’re not ok with him going.
You shouldn’t feel guilty btw. This is the last thing you should have to worry about.

legalseagull · 07/01/2019 21:29

So his friend can't accommodate a visit because he has 'commitments' but apparently the possible birth of you DHs baby and looking after his pregnant wife and kids isn't a commitment?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/01/2019 21:40

My Dad did that - missed my birth!

CustardCreamLover · 07/01/2019 21:41

I'm 33 weeks pregnant at the moment and there is no way I would let my DH go anywhere even for one night from now until the baby makes an appearance.

You are not being unreasonable, he is!! I can't get my head around his thinking to be honest. Just tell him he can't go!

Bibijayne · 07/01/2019 22:19

YANBU. My waters broke at 36+4 and baby arrived at 36+6.

It's not like he's going just an hour down the road. He wants to go to another country.

MadeForThis · 07/01/2019 22:22

No way.

You have early labours

You have fast labours.

You have 2 dc that need to be cared for.

Why is his friend in Germany more important than all this? He can go the next time his friend is on leave.

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londonmummy1966 · 07/01/2019 22:46

DH was working abroad a lot when DD2 was due and we had to have the conversation about what to do if I went into labour whilst he was away. From my perspective it was bearable as I had a nanny who would deal with the older child and a midwife who would come to the house asap and drive me in if necessary (paid for by his firm).
I think that you need to have this conversation

"If you are away and I go into labour

who is going to be my birth partner and what arrangements are YOU going to make to see they get there - maybe he has to give them the cash to call a cab 24/7 to get to you.
Who is going to look after the DC and how are YOU going to ensure that are they going to get there?
GIven so many taxis will not take a woman in labour, how are YOU going to arrange for me to get to hospital if you are not here?
If you aren't here when I go into labour are you sufficiently bothered to want to know about it and if so what plans do you have for an emergency return home to support your wife and newborn or do you want to carry on with your extended piss up free from responsibility as if you weren't a father/prospective father but a footloose and fancy free manchild?

If he can solve all of this to your satisfaction then he can go

Sausagerollers · 07/01/2019 22:55

Londonmummy has it spot on.

"I'm perfectly happy for you to potentially miss the birth of your child if you are. Just answer questions 1 to 4 as per previous post."

Is he always such a selfish arsehole???

GemmeFatale · 07/01/2019 23:01

I’d tell him it’s a great idea. You’ll be too pregnant to be doing much around the house and the children will love a trip with daddy to visit uncle army buddy. Plus on hand babysitter if he needs to dash back for a birth.

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