To demand my child's clothes back?

[laadedaa]

My PIL pick up my LO from nursery once a week. I send a spare outfit in his book bag to change into after nursery (it's a forest school so he's proper grubby when he comes out.)
Every god damned week I ask if they can send back his dirty clothes for me to wash. Every week they keep his clothes which means it stays there for the week (he only sees them once a week).
I either have to drive the half hour there and half hour back each week to pick up the clothes or just not have them for the week.
Yes I know they are doing me a favour by washing them. Yes I know that I could just buy two more outfits, but it's a bit annoying buying 2 extra trousers, jumpers, vests, pants and socks. He's growing so quickly that I'm forever buying clothes.
How do I politely stop the PIL holding his clothes hostage??

[garethsouthgatesmrs]

next week don't send a spare set of clothes. they can put him in last week's which they will have at home clean

[WellThisIsShit]

Some people are rather good at forcing the situation to go their way by ignoring the first, polite request and then trading on the fact that many people will not know how to push the issue without making it into a confrontation or sounding aggressive / argumentative in some way.

It definitely works as a strategy! As long as they have an extremely thick skin, and don’t mind doing that to other people. It works because so many people will just silently seethe or go into passive aggressive sniping, whilst the original person can just sail on getting their own way pretending to be oblivious to it all.

In order not to be swept along like this, you need to be assertive, and go further than a single request then fear of creating anger or hurt etc...

Reframing it as afresh way of doing things is a great idea. Then you have to stick to your guns. So smile, and repeat. Smile, and repeat. Then wait at the door or go ferret in the wash basket. You’ll only need to do this once or twice to show that you can’t give in on this one, and it’s just got to be this way.

If you just repeat your reasonable request, without any new bits on the sentence, just said again, nicely and politely. And then wait. And then they’ll be the ones to look awkward and unreasonable if they don’t just give you the ruddy clothes! It’s about nicely and politely throwing it back on to them, so you aren’t left feeling put upon and like you can’t say anything without being awkward and rude and creating a scene. But if you’ve said what needs to happen in a nice way, then stuck to it, there’s really not much they can do about it.

It will feel really difficult if you are not used to being assertive, and not taking on the role of being put upon and passive in the situation, but it really does work, and you’ll be surprised how easily it all falls into place once you start doing it!

If you’re faced with a real barrier to you picking up the clothes eg the machine is actually on with the clothes in it when you collect your child, then you need to come up with a solution that does NOT accept a return to the old behaviour. Eg you or dp going to collect the clothes the next day, even if it’s really inconvenient. This is important because otherwise all that’s happened is that you’ve made an effort to change behaviour and they’ve found a way to refuse and to continue to behave exactly as they are at the moment. You need to show that it’s just not going to be the same as before, and give no ‘mixed messages’ that your words are saying you need to change but you’ll accept their excuse to carry on just as they have before... Which will leave you resentful and closer to boiling point as you’ll feel they’ve done it on purpose to ‘win’, even if they didn’t even notice what they were doing!

In the interests in family harmony, being assertive is better than feeling put upon and quietly swallowing wrongs.

[GoatYoga]

Just don’t send any clothes - no harm in him being grubby until you pick him up.

[Onecutefox]

I would give them a big plastic bag and ask them to put dirty clothes into the bag so you could take it with you and wash the clothes at home.
If they are bringing your child to you then call them before they leave and politely remind to bring the bag with the dirty clothes. Just say you really need them at home as you don't want to buy another set as DC will outgrow them soon anyway.

[timeisnotaline]

I’d just say ok, I’ll just pause the load then? Or grab them from the basket. You shouldn’t have to more than a couple of times. I find it helps to treat mil like a client- clear simple statements not too wrapped in ‘if that’s ok’ etc.
I get it- my ds for forest school has a merino layer, fleece layer, his gloves for winter just arrived, welly socks, full waterproof. I would definitely not want to buy an extra lot of those.

[TheBlueDot]

As SendIn says, you need a fresh start. It will help you to have a specific bag for dirty clothes that goes back and forth, so they know that his dirty clothes go straight in there are they don’t have to faff about trying to find a carrier bag or something to put them in. Like the pe bags infant children have.

[AuntMarch]

I agree you need to explain why so it doesn't just look like you are trying to save them the hassle! They won't be trying to be annoying it's just want grandparents can be like sometimes lol

[Menolly]

Have you tried telling them that you need his nursery clothes for nursery during the week so washing them isn't helpful?

My MIL insists on doing 'helpful' things and takes all requests not to as people just not wanting to be a bother, so we actually have to be quite blunt and say 'thanks but actually that doesn't help because...'

[Jux]

Yes, no extra clothes at all.

When you say they're dirty at the end of school, do you mean they're caked in mud which then dries and flakes off all over the house? If anything less than that then he doesn't need to change. Slightly muddy knees can be dealt with by your ILs putting down a bit of newspaper for him to kneel on, muddy shoes can be taken off indoors. Um, that's it.

[Knitwit101]

This is the sort of thing my mum would do. She's half genuinely trying to be helpful and half I think trying to claim a bit of the kids for herself. She wants to be the one washing their clothes. I have to remind her that I'm the parent now. She's had her turn of being the parent and now it's my turn.

It drives me insane. So sympathy but no useful suggestions from me. Sorry.

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

Don't send anything extra with him at all. They can't send him home naked.

[Feefeetrixabelle]

How about you send him with his forest clothes on, pjs in bag and leave an outfit at theirs for him to wear every week. When he grows out they can send it back and you replace them. If they don’t return the forest clothes explain that he can’t go to forest school next week as he doesn’t have his uniform so you won’t need them to pick him up.

[Jux]

Either don't send a change of clothes and certainly not pjs, find the clothes (yes! Just say lightly, "oh I'll just get them then" and have a rummage) or find other childcare.

You are not powerless in this.

[EyeRolls]

Get a small drawstring bag and write 'DIRTY LAUNDRY' on it. Tell them that your DS is learning about taking care of himself and he needs to be helped to take his clothes off after school, our the dirty clothes in the bag, and leave the bag with his school bag so that it comes home with him.

[Hidingtonothing]

I would just be really honest with them, 'PIL, I really appreciate you washing DS's clothes but do you think you could just shove them in a bag and I'll take them when I collect him/you drop him off from now on? I keep losing track of what's where and ending up short of clothes for him'. Said pleasantly with a smile I don't see how that could cause offense and then you ask for them, every time until it becomes the norm.

[UpstartCrow]

If one more person posts 'just ask for them' I'm going to start screaming, and I wont be able to stop.

[Ohyesiam]

Just stand your ground. Assertiveness is repeating what you want without getting angry or apologising.
You’re not asking for anything unreasonable, so it shouldn’t be a problem. If hey day they want to wash them just say “ that won’t work because he needs them for tomorrow/ Tuesday/ whenever.

[misskatamari]

I'd just be clear with them and explain that you need the clothes back and why. Acknowledge that you know they're doing you a favour by washing them but actually it leaves you short and you need them for the week, so please do not do it. No bead to be confrontational at all, it's a perfectly reasonable and sensible request from you, just be clear about it. And if they don't listen then rifle through the laundry basket. As pp have said, you'll only have to do that once 

[Mummyoflittledragon]

They don’t sound very bright tbh. It’s pretty obvious you don’t hold onto 2 complete outfits. They are your ds’s clothes.

Can you text them? Leave a note in with the clean clothes?

[MemoryOfSleep]

Get your DM to babysit if there's no way around it?

[naicepineapple]

Just speak to them about it.

Sometimes things get left at my mums or mother in laws (they do a day each childcare) but we see them probably once a week each outside of this time so would just get it then.

[laadedaa]

@SendintheArdwolves
also making it sound like a new plan you need them to try (don't harp on about it being inconvenient in the past - this is a fresh start)

That's probably a good way to go about it actually. Thanks.

[MatildaTheCat]

The two sets is a bit confusing but it does all sound annoying since you’ve already asked. On the morning of collection perhaps send a text saying,’Hi PIL, I’ve left a plastic bag in DS’s bag for his dirty clothes- PLEASE pop them in for me as we are running out of nursery clothes if we leave a set of clothes with you each week. Have a great day and see you later.’

If they ignore that then you stand and wait while they fetch them. Even if they are in the wash.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

And only send PJs from now on until they get the message!

[ReflectionsofParadise]

"There's a bag for his dirty clothes in the backpack. Stick them in there please, do not wash them".

Can't you just say that OP? Not sure what the issue is with just telling them to do that.