To think he spends far too much time on this

[HappyHippy45]

I pretty sure most will agree with me....but I need to vent. I am at my wits end.
My dh records music with friends and a family member. Nothing professional, nothing that makes any money. They don't do gigs. He enjoys doing it and I think it's good that he has a hobby.
The problem is he spends so much time and energy and focus on it and tbh they are all a bit shit.
For example: he gets in from work, switches on computer, puts on headphones and messes about with latest recording for about 2 hours. Most nights after dinner he'll go upstairs and work on "composing" and makes recordings on his phone to remember what he's written. So average of 3 hours a day. Often more at weekends.

He's always asking me to listen to his stuff. He wants my opinion on timing etc and if it's any good. I have used every ounce of tact I have.....in fact sometimes I don't even bother being tactful! He knows I'm not interested but involves me anyway.

His family member comes here on holidays and the two of them talk about their music/play music/record music. The rest of us sit around bored out of our minds being forced to listen to pretty mediocre at best music...they get visibility put out if no one comments on how good it is.
I find it really quite rude.
The like making music myself but I'm not brilliant at guitaring but I can sing.....none of them can.....it's painful to listen to. I don't inflict my mediocre skills on other people unless asked

In addition to this he complains about how hard he's working and how he doesn't have time to do anything!

He's obsessed. He get up, makes coffee, sits at computer, plugs in headphones. Goes to work, gets home, sits at computer, plugs in headphones. After dinner, makes music, records, then spends a good chunk of the rest of the evening with headphones plugged into phone listening to his music.
I really think he has a problem. I'm concidering he is avoiding me. (I became disabled relatively recently and I still don't think he's dealing with it.)

He plays guitar all the time.....like when he's just switched the tv on!

Please give me some sympathy😩

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

Personally I don't think it matters if they aren't any good? They enjoy it, it sounds like a hobby and that's great.

Is the problem that because he's always busy then you two don't get to spend time together? If he wasn't doing this, what would he be doing?

[awesmum]

I think you should ask for an evening that you can have just for the two of you, with no outside distractions, no music, no music talk, as a regular occurrence. Once a week or month which ever you think is reasonable.

[HappyHippy45]

I agree them being good isn't the issue, it's the amount of time and money spent when no one but him benefits. It's good to have a hobby but not one that takes up all your time in lieu of things that need doing.
There are LOADS of things he should be doing....like tidying up after himself/cleaning mould off shower/other household tasks. He always claims he's too busy to do them.
I don't expect him to spend time with me but the little time we do spend together is him with headphones on and some shite on tv.

[usernamenamename]

Omg OP I feel your pain honestly this is my DH just with different hobbies. We live in a shit hole and there's stuff that I can't do as I have a back injury. He spends hours on his hobbies and thousands of pounds but the house is falling apart around us 😭😭 it's driving me completely insane and if I say anything he says I'm nagging him 

[HappyHippy45]

@usernamenamename
Ahhh god yes, it's just so frustrating. I'm not able to do much physically and have to sit and see the house turned into a shit hole......anything that takes him away from his hobby is a massive inconvenience and him questioning me if it really needs done. (Think, cleaning toilets and changing beds!)
We just had family stay with us and he did virtually bugger all to get the house ready......I couldn't do much so not very much was done.
He just doesn't get it or refuses to see his "free" time as a time that should be spent doing essential household tasks.
He's definitely getting worse. We used to go out together at the weekend but now it involves taking a wheelchair and choices are more limited. I got a mobility scooter a few months ago and since I got that he doesn't "need" to take me out anymore.

[SputnikBear]

Do you have DC or are planning to have any? Will he drop his hobby to do his share of parenting?

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

Well in that case OP he should be cleaning the house and helping you out. He can still do both, he just needs to find the right balance.

Thing is - he's an adult. We all have to do daily tasks that we don't particularly want to do however it needs to be done and because you're disabled then he needs to be helping more. Or he can pay for a cleaner.

[starzig]

Could you maybe get a hobby too, then you wouldn't notice his as much cause you'd be busy doing your own thing.

[Aprilislonggone]

Write him a song about housework and chores. Off to sing if he sorts the music out!
He sounds like a teenager tbh.
Would drive me nuts!

[HappyHippy45]

Our kids are adults fortunately.

I do have hobbies....a bit limited now but enough to distract me a bit.

I like the idea of writing a song about it. I could insist I need to use the recording equipment for hours to compose my master piece.......then play it to him on repeat and ask his opinions on the intricacies

[Spiderdemon]

i feel like maybe when you were more able, you did all the house stuff? And now you can't it throws into sharp relief the fact that he is a lazy hoit.

[Maelstrop]

I think he is avoiding you. Possibly he’s devastated that you’ve become disable, although this does not give h8m the right t9 ignore you for hours on end.

I’m not sure of the answer, OP, but I would be fuming in your position. Do you have any shared hobbies? Something to get you both out of the house, maybe?

[HappyHippy45]

@spiderdemon You're spot on.

@maelstrop Over the years now the kids are adults we do more of our own things but still used to do bits and bobs together....and then in the evening watch trash on tv and talk.
Everything we used to do has changed and he is not showing any enthusiasm for trying something new or doing something we used to do but modified for me.

God this was meant to be a rant but realising it is thoroughly depressing.

[Suttree]

You sound really quite controlling. I feel sorry for your partner.

[FoofOfTheWalkingDead]

WTF Suttree

[Maelstrop]

@Suttree are you on glue?! What is wrong with wanting your dh to spend quality time with you?? Did you miss the bit where the OP’s dh ignores her and puts in his headphones and doesn’t speak to her all evening?

[Haahhpy]

I think you need to maybe put yourself in his shoes... It sounds like a difficult time for him as well with some pretty major adjustments to make. Sounds to me like he just desperately needs a distraction while some time passes and he adjusts. If all the cleaning and household chores are now going to fall to him since you have become disabled (very sorry to hear that OP) maybe you could have a discussion about whether you need some help like a cleaner because it is a lot to expect from just one person who is also working full time.

Also I really think you could be more supportive of what sounds like a real passion he has for this. He isn't playing gigs or embarrassing himself in front of a crowd so why do you feel the need to give him such a harsh reality check about his lack of talent? Maybe just appreciate the fact that he clearly loves this hobby and support him a bit.

It would however be reasonable to ask for one day a week or something where he doesn't do his hobby and you spend quality time together / get household jobs done.

[Kathik]

God forbid your OH have a hobby and want to spend his spare time to relax how he wants.
Who cares if hes not any good, hes passionate about it - so you should be supportive!

As far as 'he doesnt pull his weight' have you tried actually asking him to do things, when he isnt in the middle of his hobby?
It takes 5 seconds to catch him whilst he's waiting for the kettle to boil and say 'hey can you take the bins out please sweetie?'.
Stop expecting him to automatically know what needs doing, and dont expect him to remember you reeling off a huge list at him either!
Ask him in the morning 'honey please can you buzz the hoover around the house tomorrow on your day off'.

And jesus, give the guy a break!
Sounds like hes the one working all the time - I think he's earned some time to relax however he wants to.

[acivilcontract]

OP I don't think you sound controlling at all. It is not surprising that you want to spend some time with your partner and want them to pull their weight around the house. Can you work out some kind of household rota, team tomm maybe. I get that he is a grown adult and should do stuff without needing to be told but he isn't. I would also suggest a night a week just for you as a couple. Hobbies are great but not when they take over everything or are used as a distraction from more important things like relationships and basically being an adult.

[AjasLipstick]

Kathik are you for fecking REAL?? It's not OPs job to tell her DH when the bins need changing!!

He's not a bloody toddler! He's an ADULT! What's this bollocks about "Could you please do this sweetie?" How patronising!

Stop expecting him to automatically know what needs doing

WHY!???? Why shouldn't he know what needs doing!???

[AjasLipstick]

Oh and don't forget honey please can you buzz the hoover around the house tomorrow on your day off


How about the man should be able to SEE when the carpet is dirty...and not NEED telling.'

Please....if YOU want to live your life, holding the hand of your adult partner and telling him what to do and when, then please....by all means go ahead Kathik but DON"T come on here advising others to do that.

[hazell42]

I love people who are passionate about things. Better than people who spend 5 hours a night watching the telly.
You dont like his music. That's ok.
But why does he have to limit himself on that account?

[MarcieBluebell]

This would drive me crazy. You have a partner for company... what good is he?!

I don't think it's a hobby but an obsession. It does make a difference he's not good because I've seen hobbies turned obsessions become delusions. Watching it is sooooo annoying.

On the chore front he's a man baby.

Lastly yes it must be hard for him that you're disabled but what about you? Surely if he was so concered he'd be wanting to help you out. He knows it annoys you but doesn't care less?

[Flooffloof]

OP you must have my ex husband. So sorry, just throw him out. It's ok he is used to it.

When he was with me he did the exact same stuff, it used to drive me potty. I would go upstairs to read and he would shout up, do you like this riff or this riff, then play the exact same sound twice. He once got pissy because I wouldn't listen anymore and walked out.
Sigh, I don't miss him at all.

[Haahhpy]

I really don't understand these replies! Your husband wants to explore his passion for creating music, while you want him to sit and watch (by your own admission) shit telly. Why is nobody suggesting that you get on board and try getting invoked in his hobby instead of him sacrificing his creativity to sit in front of the bloody TV all evening?! You said you can sing, why not get involved yourself and spend time with him doing what he loves!?