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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope to receive same as sibling?

63 replies

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 20/10/2018 16:37

My sibling got married this year. It was brilliant I really loved the whole thing.

My parents paid for everything from the venue and the dress right down to the invites and favours. They’re not loaded but they’re pretty comfortable and they were happy to do it.

I love attending weddings but I can’t see myself ever having one. It’s just not for me. If I ever did it it’d be a very small affair. Maybe while on holiday and then come home hire a hall and have a party. If I ever did this I’d want to pay for it all.

My question is would I be super unreasonable to broach the subject of maybe getting a similar amount of money to the wedding cost from my parents?

I’m not well off and it could do a lot of long term good. If I had that sort of money I’d hopefully pass my driving test and buy a car, look into buying my council house and possibly doing an OU degree.

My parents are wonderful people and I’d hate to be grabby or cheeky so give it to me straight MN am I being a grabby cow?

OP posts:

HellenaHandbasket · 20/10/2018 16:39

I don't know tbh, I don't think I would raise it. I would perhaps discuss the house thing with them and see what was forthcoming.

PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2018 16:42

I’d ask for a loan for something specific, like studying or buying a house. They might offer to give it to you. I wouldn’t frame it as you’d like money because they gave it to your sibling.

crispysausagerolls · 20/10/2018 17:07

I wouldn’t - it’s like how if you have a child they also get a gift at Christmas and that might seem unfair in a way but it’s just how it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

DwayneDibbly · 20/10/2018 17:10

Would there be any harm in discussing the fact you'd like to do an OU degree and seeing if they offer to support you financially? If they don't then I guess you'd have your answer?

Aridane · 20/10/2018 17:11

Grabby and / or cheeky

BlowPoke · 20/10/2018 17:14

Not the same thing unfortunately. Your sister’s wedding was not just for her but an event for your whole family, and I’m sure your parents enjoyed the process of planning and loved having their close friends and relatives celebrate with them on the happy occasion. Giving you money for a car would only be enjoyable for you. I agree with PP’s suggestion to ask them for a loan for specific things you need but don’t even mention the wedding. At some point you could mention that you won’t be asking for any money for a wedding down the line, but be aware that your parents may be looking forward to someday throwing another event in your honor, or they might think you will change your mind once you get engaged. It seems money is tight for you and even destination weddings do add up in cost.

huggybear · 20/10/2018 17:14

My PIL gifted BIL a 5 house when his second child was born ... as you do.

Your parents might well offer though if you do get married.

Curious2468 · 20/10/2018 17:15

I think it's grabby tbh. There is a big difference between funding something specific for your children and giving them a lump sum just because. If you want to do a course etc then broach them with your parents but don’t link it to the wedding in any way as it’s a completely different situation

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 20/10/2018 17:17

It is grabby. and is going to put your parents under a lot of stress / guilt to think that because they have funded a wedding they need to splash out the same for every sibling. It is like you are trying to cash in, or something?

YADBU

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 20/10/2018 17:19

I wouldn't ask. My parents gave my siblings money towards their weddings. Now it's become glaringly obvious I'm never getting married they've offered a deposit towards a house. Never would have dreamed to have asked for it. I'm guessing your parents are very aware they've given money towards something significant for your sibling and probably intend to for you, in one form or another. Guess it depends on how traditional they are though and how much they're hoping you get married. I would try not to expect anything!

PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2018 17:19

Most parents would assume they’d be funding siblings fairly equally. They surely wouldn’t just pay for one wedding.

toomanyeastereggsurghh · 20/10/2018 17:23

I think it comes across as very grabby and wouldn’t dream of asking my parents. Better to do as a few previous posters have suggested and ask for a loan to pay for a course or a car or similar.

Caprisunorange · 20/10/2018 17:26

Yes yabu. The money was for a wedding, a family event, not just for her. It’s something for them to feel proud of that the could give her and her husband such a lovely day.

As for not wanting a wedding only something small paid for yourself- what about the person you’re marrying? they might want a big white wedding.

thethoughtfox · 20/10/2018 17:27

Not unreasonable to hope. Unreasonable to ask.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 20/10/2018 17:29

Most parents would assume they’d be funding siblings fairly equally. They surely wouldn’t just pay for one wedding

You miss the point.....its not going to be paying for a wedding, it is a cash demand

Most parents wouldn't assume that by funding a wedding of a child, all other offspring were going to wade in with a cash demand in lieu of a wedding they have not yet had

Total bollocks

OddBoots · 20/10/2018 17:30

Are you engaged and have booked or are about to book a small wedding? If not then I wouldn't even think about mentioning to them.

A wedding is often a family event, especially when family pay for it so have some kind of say on the guest list. They may not feel the same about paying out for something different.

Whyiseveryonesoangry · 20/10/2018 17:33

It is a bit grabby sorry.
My sister had a big wedding, full church service, soloist, sit down meal for 50 then another 150 to the evening do. All paid for by my parents, including dress, bridesmaids dresses cars and photographer.
I got married in a Registery office and invited 20 guests back to the house for a buffet. Parents paid for my dress, a car and photographer and supplied the food and most of the drink for the guests.
I would never dream of asking for the difference in cost between the two weddings. My sister got the wedding she wanted, and I got the wedding I wanted.

MichelleM30 · 20/10/2018 17:37

It's a difficult one and probably depends on your relationship with your parents and how you think they would take it. I'd maybe broach it in a jokey way to gauge the reaction, if I was brave enough!

My in-laws gave us a good contribution to our wedding which was abroad and small, it was actually enough to pay for almost everything apart from the holiday.

However when his brother got married it was a big wedding at home and they were much more involved. We know that they paid for the cost of the wedding venue, so canapés, 4 course meal, drinks and buffet etc in a fancy 5 star hotel. This would have cost more than double what they gave us maybe even triple. I think they thought it was fair because their wedding was costing a whole lot more than ours.

My DH has never mentioned it so it didn't bother him. Although I don't think that was fair as we chose to have a small wedding as we would rather spend it on a house etc similar to yourself.

Everyone will have different opinions on this.

Walkingthedog46 · 20/10/2018 17:39

We paid for everything for youngest daughter’s wedding. She was early 20s. When our elder daughter was mid 30s and not yet married, we gifted her the equivalent sum for her to do with as she wished. She actually did get married a couple of years later, but they paid for the wedding themselves, presumably using some of the funds we had given earlier.

Ilovecookiedough · 20/10/2018 17:40

So your parents offered to pay for a wedding, if you got married you'd probably get the same. If they wanted to give you all 20k and say "here this is for you to spend on whatever you like" that's up to them not up to you to demand a cash advance because your sibling had a wedding.

I have no idea what my parents paid towards my brothers wedding or helping to set up his first home, I know they helped with both but I don't know or care. My mum and dad just said years ago we'll do the same for you all, so we all get help towards a wedding and help setting up 1st homes, whether that's money help or practical help. I didn't demand to know what they gave my brother and demand the extra money if he happened to get more. My sister is yet to marry and move out, she hasn't asked my parents how much she's on for either. I guess we just aren't like that.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2018 17:42

Oh dear. Parents paid for my (relatively) small wedding. My DB never married and to my knowledge they never compensated him for having paid for my wedding. Didn't know that was a thing.

No, you can't say anything. And beware asking for a 'loan' and expecting it to end up as a gift. Just be sure you can afford the repayment.

Eliza9917 · 20/10/2018 17:44

I think it's grabby. I don't get this thing about every child must receive exactly the same.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 20/10/2018 17:45

I think you would be a bit cheeky to ask, but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents, and if you can't be a bit cheeky with your close family, when can you? As long as you will accept it if they say no, then I can't see the harm.

Tara336 · 20/10/2018 17:48

No it’s cheeky

Littlepond · 20/10/2018 17:49

It depends. Was your sister given the option of a lump sum of money instead of a wedding? If not, then you being given a lump sum to compensate them paying for your sisters wedding isn’t fair or equal.

My mum is obsessed with treating my sister and I equally. But she sees me a lot more so will pay for stuff. But then will send my sister a cheque. She once surprised me with a really posh meal out, and then sent my sister a cheque for £200 to make it fair. I was struggling at the time and £200 would have been super useful, and I wouldn’t have chosen a posh meal, but I wasn’t given the choice. This kind of thing happens a lot, and of course I don’t say anything because how bratty and ungrateful would that make me?!

Money is a strange thing and I would be careful. I think equality here would be both of you given a lump sum and you’re sister choosing to spend it on a wedding, and you choosing to spend it on something else. That doesn’t sound like the situation here and I think it’s dodgy ground to say ‘you paid for her wedding, you owe me 20k’ (or whatever)

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