to be really upset and hurt by dp's comments

[namechangerasscared]

Ok I am a regular m'ner but have changed my name as am really ashamed by my situation. My dp keeps going on about my weight (i am about 2 stone overweight) and when i eat things he says things like "are you sure you need that" I find it really hurtful, now he has suggested i join a gym, but we have 5 children and really dont think i could find the time energy or even inclination to start going to the gym? AIBU or selfish. another thing is he complains about ahem down there and keeps not so subtly suggesting i do some more pelvic floor exercises so that "he can feel something down there" I feel really upset and hurt and also a little ashamed

[madamez]

Or possibly he's an insecure buckethead and a total loser who wants to keep you feeling grateful and demoralised so you stay in his house and service him domestically and sexually.

[Judy1234]

And tell him that you feel completely squashed during sex because of his weight and that he'll die of a heart attack and get diabetes unless he takes it in hand and he can start with an early morning jog and by the way you've thrown out all his favourite unhealthy foods.,,

Although actually men trying to communicate isn't a bad thing; he might just not be very good at it. Better he mentions it than says nothing about something that's troubling him. How many stones has he got to lose?

[SpringBunny]

To give him the benefit of the doubt I think in his own hamfisted way he may be trying to help.

My dh knows I believe that I am a stone overweight and makes some similar comments to 'help' me get the motivation to lose it.

Try telling him that it upsets you and tell him what he CAN do to help, along the lines others have suggested. I like Xenia's idea of losing weight together - maybe he needs motivation too

[kittyhas6]

Soory, what aninsensitive and unpleasant man he sounds. i've nothing to say that is different really, but pf exercises will most certainly help you to regain both tone and feeling.

[lyrabelacqua]

You don't 'owe' him anything - it was his choice to enter into the relationship, no-one forced him.
He sounds like a complete arse tbh and there's no way i would put up with that from my DP.
Lose weight as and when you want to and have the time. And don't let him get away with the attitude of he's doing the washing up 'for you'. he uses dishes too, doesn't he?

[lilybubble]

Great advice, Xenia. I agree completely.

[LittleWonder]

Pilates will help you with your pelvic floor and is such gentle exercise that you can do it with no energy. this is something you can do for yourself. When men get fat their penises shrink . tell him.

[Judy1234]

No one should ask their other half to slim if they are overweight. Say you'll ose pound for pound what he does and that next Sunday you'll get on the scales for a naked weigh in.

Secondly I agree, there's no harm in pleasing each other as long as he's also being good to you.

Thirdly I've had 5 and am lucky enough not to have any urine leakage or problems down there. I think you should see your GP about that side of things.

Gym might be too hard to organise with 5 children but banning all unhealthy foods from the house and serving all of you small portion healthy meals might be good and that includes him too of course.

[gigglinggoblin]

2 of my 4 kids are not biologically dhs. i take it as a sign that i am so wonderful and he wants me so much that he was happy to take them on too. not that i owe him and should be grateful. we also moved into his house. ditto i am so wonderful etc.

i would suggest he gets a penis enlarger if he cant feel anything down there. however without telling him i would also start doing pelvic floor exercises for your own benefit. i have had 4 kids and i dont wee when i laugh, but i am a bit obsessive about them!

re the gym - thats up to you. i am 2.5 stone overweight but my kids are small and i dont have time (or the inclination) to do anything atm. in a bit i might, but ony when i feel like it, never because someone else has said i should.

tell him if he wants the house perfect he can do it himself while you go to the pub or put your feet up, cheeky git

[RosaLuxembourg]

He sounds like a pig. I really want to slap him for you but I suppose that wouldn't be very helpful.
My weight has yoyoed a lot over the past 10 years and three children but DH has never said a word about it and claims to fancy me as much as a size 16 as a size 10. I have real problems with binging and although I know exactly how to lose weight - most women do - I can't always manage to do it to order. I know for sure that 'helpful' comments like your DHs (my mum specialises in them) do the very opposite of what they are intended to achieve, they just make me more self-conscious, angry and miserable, and therefore even more likely to overeat.
If you don't think you would enjoy going to a gym don't join one - but if you think exercise would help you feel better about yourself you could just go out walking every day and get a bit of time to yourself.
Don't feel ashamed whatever you do, he is an arse and he is the one who ought to be ashamed of himself.

[GiantSquirrelSpotter]

namechanged, that's what he's counting on - that you're going to feel so beholden to him that any shit he throws at you, you feel you have to take.

But you're not beholden to him, he owes you as much as you owe him. An equal loving, nurturing, supportive partnership can never be based on one of the parties feeling they're "owed" or that they "owe" the other party.

If that's a large part of your relationship's dynamic, then you are always going to be at a huge disadvantage and he's always going to be this abusive. Sorry. You need to change the dynamic.

[rantinghousewife]

I'm sorry but, it's his choice to take your dc on. You don't 'owe' him anything. Has he told you you do. My dh took on my ds and has NEVER in 8 years intimated that he had to 'take him on'. He treats him the same way he treats our dd.

[duchesse]

Have to say this sounds like the sort of thing my sister's ex would say. She was emotionally abused for 7 years before deciding to leave him, but that's another saga.

[namechangerasscared]

i just feel as he has taken on the other children which aren't his as his own i owe him a lot and try to do my best for him, sorry if that makes me a "doormat"

[GiantSquirrelSpotter]

If he wants to have sex twice a day with you, he can't find you that revolting, so why do you think he makes all the cruel comments?

[namechangerasscared]

yes i am quite hapy with sex life, only prob is dp wants to have sex quite a lot, sometimes twice a day and sometimes am so tired would rather just a cuddle an kiss

[GiantSquirrelSpotter]

I'm sorry what do you mean he washes up "for me"?

Is it not his house too? He's doing it for himself and his household, not for you. You sound like such a doormat that I'm wondering if you're for real tbh. If you are, apologies for doubting you. But he is treating you with total contempt and you appear to be accepting it as normal. It really isn't.

I'd be more worried about his attitude to me, than my weight or my pelvic floor. Having said that, I agree with the going to see the GP and tell him that if he's that bothered about it, you expect him to look after the children of the house 3 times a week minimum so that you can go and exercise and lose some weight.

I doubt if he'll agree to it, because generally, men who make remarks like this to their partners, don't want them to lose weight, look better and gain confidence; they want them to stay fat so that they continue to make them feel bad about themselves.

[Desiderata]

He's undermining you. If you allow this to continue, you will fall into a cycle of emotional abuse. You'll end up believing him, you'll end up feeling like crap, and your dc may even begin to emulate his behaviour if they perceive that it has the ability to make you upset.

Please, don't fall any further into this submissive behaviour. You are a unique human being, the mother of five children, and you MUST HAVE RESPECT for that!!

Knee him in the bollocks. HARD.

The man's being an insensitive arse-wipe.

[Jaspermatthews]

are you happy with your sex life?

[SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn]

maybe the reason he has issues with 'down there' is because he has a small winkie?

[Chugnuts]

Maybe the reason he can't "feel something down there" is because his penis is too small.

[duchesse]

I think he's being an absolute arse.

Even if he thought he was helping you (which from here doesn't look the case given the "down there" comments) he's going about it in very very much the wrong way.

Tell him all he's doing is hurting your feelings and making you feel bad about yourself.

Then tell him if he's so unhappy about the way you look, he's to be in three evenings a week so that you can go out and rediscover who you are without the children around. You just meet your girlfriends in the pub, go to an evening class, or do whatever you want: you're a grown-up and can make your own decisions about whether or not you want to lose weight, and should not have to put up with cr@p like that. Sorry. He is BU.

[namechangerasscared]

I really do want to please him though. what are electric toners? how do they work? could be an idea

[rantinghousewife]

Ask when the fk is he going to get round to attending to his weight problem!! That should shut him up.

[namechangerasscared]

Don't get me wrong, i love dp very very much but he can be very demmanding and quite difficult