To think the biggest threat to my parenting is screens?

[FWBcomplexity]

I know. It's a dramatic title. But I spend a ridiculous amount of thought, planning, energy and worry around the iPad and the Xbox. I want it to end. I need it to end.

I have bought a box, with a lid and a 12 hour padlock in my quest to get this issue under control. I turn off the wifi at 9pm. I deal with crap parenting day in, day out in my job. I know about rules, boundaries, consequences, the kindness of saying no, nurturing, attachment blah blah blah. But I'm still not getting it right.

Still Roblox and fucking Fortnite are a daily negotiation so complex it makes Brexit look smooth. An outright ban seems archaic but is that the only route? Does anyone else find their generally lovely kids turn into demonic, screaming, slightly unhinged weirdos after? It effects their sleep, eating, concentration, mood if I let them, I genuinely think they'd never stop. AIBU to feel like screens are the one bit of parenting that I can't get right?

And here I am, laid in bed, stressing about screens. Whilst posting on my phone

[Mrskeats]

What I cannot understand is the obsession with games like Fortnight. Or whatever it’s called.
I teach a boy in year 11 who has never read a book all the way through. But he spends hours and hours gaming.
He will fail all his GCSEs. He comes into school tired every day and tells teachers what time he was up until. It makes me fear for the future.

[ScattyCharly]

Very very very difficult.

I’ve put both my children on a complete break from digital stuff this week.

I don’t know what to do long term. I don’t agree with just not owning an Xbox/ipad/tv/laptop etc because I think that can ostracise a child. But then if you own them, it’s a daily negotiation. One of my dc has self control and isn’t obsessed but the other is more inclined to binge on digital stuff (particularly Fortnite) and then wonder where the time went/why homework is not done.

Gaming is fun. But so terrribly addictive and as a result, you get shouting and begging and general crappy behaviour if you try to curb it or turn it off.

[rainingcatsanddog]

Personally my rules are unlimited screen time until dinner (Monday to Thursday) then after that it's stuff like homework, chores etc until bedtime. If there's a fuss about coming down to dinner then screen ban the next day after school. I've only had to do it once for them to understand that it's not worth an argument. We like lazy Saturday and Sunday mornings here so they are welcome to screens until lunch then we tend to be out after that until dinner ish.

I know that a game of Fortnite can take up to 40-45 minutes so my son appreciates a warning ahead of time so he can finish his match before dinner and not be in the middle of a match when he has to have dinner. I'm a gamer so appreciate that there's a good time to stop playing and inconvenient times. Ds used to play until the last possible moment but has learned that if the match ends 5-10 minutes before dinner is served then it's best to stop there and pop into the kitchen for a chat. He doesn't feel cheated as he stopped at a good point.

[SeriousSimon]

she lets them sit on them until I get home from work (so a good 2 hours) this is when I get them screaming and refusing to come to the table to eat their tea

This would result in a week screen ban here - from Xbox, I pad and Now TV. And if they were anything other than bloody angels in that week I'd extend it another week.

They'll only do that once if you stamp the behaviour out and they know you mean what you say.

[postcardsfrom]

Ban, ban, ban. Once they've gone cold turkey for a bit sit down to talk about the rules. Ours play on the weekend ONLY for a limited amount of time that thye've 'earned' by reading or doing homework. if they haven;t earned the time they don;t get it. The 8 year old doesn't have Fortnite or unrestricted access to any device or online stuff.
for extreme bad behaviour I have taken the Wii away for 1-2 weeks. unplugged gone. They do other stuff, they play, they read, they go outside.
it shouldn't be causing this much trouble for you.

[YankeeDad]

We have the same problem.

Can anyone in this thread recommend a piece of software (that works on Apple devices) to automatically shut off access after a budgeted amount of time has been used?

Currently, we have limits but they end up being more or less elastic depending what else is on, and it takes a certain amount of energy to get the screens back when the limits are reached...

[Smellyjo]

I worry about this and my kids are wee. We don't have a telly and just allow DD 2 to watch cartoons on YouTube a few times a week - usually dependent on when we need a break rather than any planned schedule. I feel I have no idea how to get the balance of introducing her to technologies that will be at school etc but upholding our values etc - we'd never have tablets etc otherwise and I do feel these devices and social media are a threat like you do. Some advantages and I enjoyed gaming as a child too so I sympathise with these poor kids and their confused parents in the times we live in!

[BackInTime]

@YankeeDad

I have often seen an app called Ourpact recommended on MN but I have not personally used it (yet)

[Lavenderdays]

Can relate to this. We have removed DD's (11) computer from her bedroom because of this (bought the computer for homework purposes because I use my own for work related stuff). With two other dcs in the house including a newborn, I was finding it increasingly difficult to police and it was hugely stressful. Then, when the computer was removed, dd moved on to spending more time on her phone, so she has limited time on this but if it isn't either of the two screens mentioned above then she attempts to watch more T.V (which is slightly easier to monitor as it is in a communal space). Since placing restrictions on the screen use, I have noticed she has veered towards other things like reading, art and spending more time with her younger sister outdoors which I consider to be much healthier. She is even considering taking back up a hobby she previously dropped which is fab and her bike has re-emerged from the garage for short cycle trips. No doubt she spends time on her phone/computers at school during some of her breaks and obviously I can't police this. Another plus point is that there is more communication between my daughter and the rest of the family including myself. I hate the wrangles about the screens but removing her computer feels like absolutely the right thing to do (she would literally spend all day on it given the chance). I have been guilty of letting my younger daughter spend relatively large amounts of time on the ipad/in front of the TV especially when I was pregnant and struggling, with no family support etc. I found I became reliant on virtual babysitters to give me a break and I am now starting to wean my dc off of all of this and it has been lovely to see her do other things including more time spent together and soon she will be starting school, so less opportunity during the daytime. Less screen time seems to equal better quality of life in my opinion but of course it is nice to sit and watch a film together sometimes too.

[busybarbara]

It would be terrible if our children had the opportunity to become computer experts and get high paid technology jobs

[manicinsomniac]

Personally, I have more or less gone down the complete ban route. I haven't banned them exactly, we've just never had them. I happen to have children who aren't especially bothered but, whenever they have asked if they can have them, I've always just said that I can't afford both devices and their activities so they have to choose (that's not entirely untrue; I'm a single parent and the amount of money dance, singing, gymnastics etc for 3 children eats up if frightening. I can't really manage to pay for consoles and iPads on top).

My eldest is 15 and she got a phone when she went to her senior school at 13 but it isn't a smart phone. I have a work laptop which they can use if they need it for homework and we can watch netflix etc on it. I would happily let the eldest use social media and have a smart phone but she and I both know that she isn't resilient enough for it to be a positive thing for her. She's a natural comparer, worrier and obsessive with very self critical/self destructive tendencies and having things like instagram and snapchat can, imo, only be detrimental to teenagers like that. She doesn't seem to miss out on much, she sees her friends nearly every day at school anyway.

I don't think I could take them away permanently from a child who had always had them or enjoyed them though. I certainly couldn't easily stop my children from doing a hobby they are passionate about and I do believe some children are passionate about games (and even youtube, weirdly!) I teach Drama, Dance and English and almost everything that I'm asking the 8-11 age bracket to create, write or imagine at the moment seems to involve Fortnight characters/moves/scenarios or similar. It's definitely an obsession.

[buggybug]

Just from another point of view, this was a constant concern for us with our 2 dc. However, my eldest ds (11) was diagnosed with jia at Easter and if it hadn't been for the ability to play fortnite online with his pals he would have been completely cut off from all his peers. He was unable to walk, unable to attend school as his hips were too painful to be in anything other than a reclined position and pretty miserable. I was very worried aboit how he would reintegrate into his class after a long absence but because he has been playing (with time limits I might add,) he has been fine. My youngest on the other hand is the devil incarnate after about 1/2 hour playing fortnite. We stick to our time limits and restrictions and don't give in to any whining or begging for more time.

[Kaykay06]

i personally hate iPads and consoles, kids are like zombies on them and I get nothing from them and it’s a battle to get them off. So I weaned the time they spent on them down to nothing. Had a few days of complaining they were bored and how unfair it is etc but now they are back playing with toys and outside etc. Not sure how long I’ll keep the ban but it makes my life hell trying to get my boys to do anything then the tantrums when time is up is just too much.

It’s not worth it, doesn’t make their lives better but I and they need to find a way of them being able to play without it becoming a battle & when it’s causing such upset to family life I’d rather avoid it.

[missperegrinespeculiar]

I don't know, I used to worry a lot about it, but to be honest, they play a bit, they read a bit, they go out a bit, they seem to be able to self-regulate and switch them off eventually, we are lucky I think

BTW, I would not allow a 10 year old Fortnite, I don't like the shooting humans, even though it is rather cartoonish, but does not sit well with me

[Lavenderdays]

It's the self-regulation bit with my dd...left to her own devices she would literally move from screen to screen. However, today, with no screens she has been reading, playing with her sister, contemplating joining a new club and just generally been far more sociable. I have had continual begging for 'half an hour' screen time but to be honest, life seems lovely without the computer/phone being on. I think we will run down screen time altogether and then consider if and when to re-introduce it, it feels like I am weaning her off of an addiction.


I know some adults who cant seem to leave their phone alone, you are having a conversation with them and out pops their phone to, I find it very irritating.

[BackInTime]

I think regulation and age appropriate restrictions are key. There are kids in DDs primary school that have social media accounts, without privacy settings who have hundreds of followers and are following people the majority of whom they don’t know. They sleep with devices in their bedroom and chat online late into the night. These are 10 year olds FFS!

[ReanimatedSGB]

And yet again, the stupid are not getting it. If you are utterly fucking clueless about computer games, you cannot come to a reasonable agreement with your DC about them. As PP said, you are doing the equivalent of interrupting someone in the middle of a sports match, a concert or a dance routine, because you have set some arbitrary limit on their leisure time - and then, instead of discussing the matter sensibly, you are throwing your weight about. No wonder your DC tantrum and sulk.

[Cath2907]

I threaten to smash DDs tablet daily! The new rule is she can only have it in the car. It used to be a battle over dinner (I even took the TV out of the dinning room as it then became a fight over TV program choice and I am not watching YouTube videos of people playing Roblox with my curry!) It was a battle to get her ready in the morning but now it is TV only and no tablet in the morning. TV goes off 15 minutes before she needs to leave the house to allow her to concentrate on getting ready. If she can get it through the door after school she'll disappear off upstairs with it and there is an almighty row about getting it back. I now confiscate and remove it at the front door.

She has chores to do at home (put her washing in the linen basket, lay the table, clear the table after the meal) and if she doesn't do them then no computer in the car the following day.

We tried a 60 min / day rule but it seemed my whole day was filled with negotiations about how many minutes had been used. Only in the car is easy to police. That is 10 mins there and back to school each day and more on the weekend when we drive places. 10 mins there and back to her Tues swimming and Wed Beavers also.

My DD is 7, I am not looking forward to this battle when she is 15!

[Cath2907]

As for those saying it is like interupting a film or a football match... No it isn't! My DD plays Roblox and Minecraft or watches shitty youtube videos. She has the attention span of a gnat and flicks from Youtube viedo to youtube video never watching more than 20 seconds of any of them. Roblox is lots of little games designed to never end. You make virtual pizzas or survive natural disasters. It's not that you need to complete the puzzle or get to the end of the chapter or something. They are pointless and endless. The same with Minecraft. You build stuff, when you turn off the games in the same spot until you turn back on. There is nothing to finish. I know because I play the games DD plays so I can see what she is doing and know best how to police it.
Added to which I always give her 30 seconds to switch off herself so she put her last brick down or deliver her last pizza. I listen to her reasoning - if she can tell me she just wants to get to the end of this Natural Disaster to see if she survives I will wait the required 45 seconds.

[mrsplum2015]

I probably have a similar profession to you. I have to say I probably tie myself in knots over similar issues (an overweight 5 yo for one..) but you know full well that it's not a major issue worth this much of your time. I think your underlying fear about the other bigger issues is clouding your judgement.

My eldest dc is terrible for screen time (age 13) and I just accept it to a large degree. I don't want the fights. If she's using it to switch off from school shit going on then so be it really. We do encourage family dinner each night and shared activities 3 or 4 eves per week (often just watching TV together) . She is also quite social and involved in a reasonable amount of school activity and sport. She gets good grades and her school hours are long. She self regulates at bed time by switching off at a reasonable time for getting enough sleep.

I figure those who are highly regulated by parents will have to learn to self regulate at some point. If it was affecting her ability to do other things I'd take it more seriously.

The younger kids luckily take rules and limits more easily. Although fortnite is particularly addictive and I've learned it is fair to let them finish a round rather than insist on switching off at an exact time.

[disahsterdahling]

DS has an xbox but was 13 before it got it. I wouldn't get one before.

But if they don't have a games console they'll just spend all their time on their phones.

My mum and I were having a discussion at the weekend about this, she was saying that friends of hers get very upset when their grandchildren want to spend all their time playing computer games. But I suspect at that age I just wanted to stay in my room and play music and read. The issue is being anti-social, not so much what you want to do instead of conversing politely with your grandchildren.

And I wanted to read instead of doing homework.

I think social media and violent games are a problem, but I don't think screens per se are a problem - except for the idiots who think it's clever to walk along with their noses buried in their screens (not literally, you know what I mean).

[disahsterdahling]

conversing politely with your grandPARENTS!

(though maybe some grandparents like their screens too)

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think an additional problem is that a lot of the anti-screen parents were/are also the sort of people incapable of amusing themselves or enjoying their own company. In the past, it was the kids who loved books and stories, or playing an instrument, or drawing and painting by themselves and would do these things rather than listen to their parents wittering on about fuck all/'go and play sport' when you hated sport, who got constantly nagged and policed and threatened with the removal or destruction of what they liked, because the parents were unable to cope with a self-contained kid who didn't want to 'conform'.

[LovelyBath77]

I have two boys, 9 and 13 and do the same as Raining - they are allowed to go on it after school until dinner time then no screens after. They do have clubs some days so only on it sometimes. It's limited at the weekends as we tend to do family things like watch a film together, go out, and they help at a local city farm. So I feel that is an Ok mix.

[Lavenderdays]

Nope, I enjoy my own company and have my own friends, engrossing hobbies etc so that I don't have to seek out my dcs company necessarily. This is about preventing my dc's schoolwork from sliding and seeking other creative outlets (which she has been doing since limits imposed) and involving herself in more rl interactions (which she has now been seeking - of a similar age to herself). Already, she appears to be becoming a more rounded individual. Screens can be addictive...they have been for my dc, I see it has supporting my dc as in any other addiction. The easy route for me would be to let her continue on the screen path...sorry but parenting isn't always easy and I am happy to make this judgement call. So, I have decided to knock screens on the head (barring a bit of TV) until I work out where and how to set the boundaries on this.