Anger :-(

[definitelynotsupermum]

The last 4 months have been stressful with a new baby, a 2 year old and a 4.5 year old to deal with, I've been sleep deprived (obviously!) and overwhelmed with feeding issues and issues with the elder 2 room sharing and sleep. I become irrationally angry at the children and have shouted at them to try and make them stop what they are doing, or will pick them up to move them away from the situation more roughly than I usually would. I feel absolutely terrible, I feel like I'm failing them as I definitely am not being the parent I'd like to be and it's not their fault I chose to have 3 children close together :-(

[definitelynotsupermum]

@BetterEatCheese I definitely need to become more aware of it building up.. I'm hoping that by having these conversations it will help me to become more aware! I suppose in a way it is better that it comes and goes quickly as opposed to feeling it for prolonged periods of time!

[definitelynotsupermum]

@mude oh yes nature has a brilliant effect on all of us! I'm glad I can appreciate it and think it will help.

[definitelynotsupermum]

@2kidsnopets
'How to talk so little kids will listen' is a fab book and I am using lots of the techniques, especially 'do you want to hop to your bed like a bunny or pinch like a crab' rather than 'get into bed' for the most part it really works!

[definitelynotsupermum]

@aaarrrggghhhh not mean and unsupportive at all, it's true my behaviour is 100% not ok, I am going to try my best to rectify this

[aaarrrggghhhh]

I have a lot of respect for your response. Maybe look into a mindfulness for parenting course?

I can get The Rage - but practising mindfulness I can just see it and not act on it and then it goes. (Easier said than done!).

And of course all the other good ideas about trying to reduce the incidence of The Rage too.

Tbh the fact that you recognise it and the fact that your kids are so young is such a positive thing - you'll have this all sorted and they'll go on to have a lovely calm life!

[definitelynotsupermum]

@aaarrrggghhhh thank you so much! I will have a look into mindfulness parenting courses, I would really benefit from that!

[2kidsnopets]

@definitelynotsupermum
This thing is, none of us are supermum.
It's easy to believe in this age of instamums that some are totally perfect. But the reality is, they don't instagram the shouty moment when the big one squirts the suncream on the kitchen floor while you are trying to get the little one's shoes on.
I am not perfect. I tried to be perfect when my second arrived and Ds was a toddler. And I almost had a breakdown because of it. Now I realise that parenting is not about being Disney and most of the time good enough is enough.
I'm pretty sure that all of us lose our shit sometimes. I started a weekly hobby and that has really helped me, having that time and headspace just for me.

Be kind to yourself.

[definitelynotsupermum]

@2kidsnopets 😊

[FatherMacKenzie]

I think this is a really good thread. Everyone sees red occasionally, even when (especially when?) dealing with the people we love. It’s hard to admit and hard to keep your cool when you’re tired and wound up. What great tips on here to help stop things escalating. Not just with dcs, but with other loved ones, or whoever might be getting your goat on a particular day.

[definitelynotsupermum]

Everyone has been fabulously supportive, tbh I expected to be told I am a monster and don't deserve children!!!

[definitelynotsupermum]

What also helps is a nice healthy dose of perspective, I am incredibly blessed and lucky to have all that I have x

[DuchyDuke]

Get the eldest two in wellies and raincoats and let them play in the garden. Put the newborn back in her cot even if she’s crying. Make yourself a cup of tea and try and catch a few winks. You are the most important person here; if you aren’t getting enough sleep then you won’t be able to raise your kids properly.

[Allthewaves]

It's called sleep deprivation and having 3 kids.

[NotClear]

I'm seeing myself here too, OP. I am so fed up of shouting and sometimes even making the children cry. I don't want them to fear me. It's been about 2.5 years since I started shouting, and I can't beat that for one of my children it's half his life. I am so desperate to stop, and sometimes I'll get to bedtime and pat myself on the back, only to yell at a spilt drink when they're up and mucking about instead of sleeping. Then the whole victory pat not be back is ruined.

I realise that most of the time it is my own sense of feeling under pressure that makes me shout. So it can be from: getting muddy before school and needing to change the whole uniform on the way out the door (making us late), to the youngest accidentally breaking something that isn't easily replaceable (belonging to someone else) and leaves me feeling like my workload has increased beyond my ability and resources.

So I feel trapped and helpless and I get the rage and shout! I feel such a bully for doing it, they are so small. I've been trying to stop for well over a year now, probably around a year and a half (the moment I realised it had been a year and I was still shouty-Mum), but I can't seem to control myself. Worse than that I see my eldest copy me.

So if you find any tricks that help, please do let me know, as I am in the same position!

[definitelynotsupermum]

@NotClear oh yes it's definitely when under pressure, those examples ring true to me to. Have you been to the doctors? Do you suffer with any kind of anxiety/depression aside from this? I do and am medicated at the moment and having CBT online, is this something you could look into?

I guess it's training our thoughts to say who cares if we are late, it's not just as easy as saying that because we have to believe it, but every time it happens asking ourselves ok what is the worse that can happen, if we are late is this a life or death situation?

Mine can be at spilling a drink as well and I guess that's because it's something adding to our already huge workload. Or when my toddler won't go to sleep at night because I think he'll then be overtired and grouchy the next day but I'm predicting something that might not happen and if it does happen it's something I can cope with. I think it's trying to get to the root cause of the anger and you've hit the nail on the head by saying it's due to being under pressure, now just got to try and 'sit comfortably' with that pressure x

[definitelynotsupermum]

@NotClear

Did things turn out ok even though I was under pressure? *If things did not turn out ok, what happened?
What did I do to cope with the negative outcome?
Was I able to handle the negative outcome?
What does this tell me about my ability to cope with negative outcomes in the future?
*

[definitelynotsupermum]

Maybe we should write a list of all the good things we do, if we focus on the good things we can try and emanate more of them, I'll start;

I cuddle my children when they are sad/hurt/scared

I cuddle my children just because

I give them lots of kisses

I always praise the positive

I sing songs with them and play games and make them laugh

I have a routine which benefits them as they know what is coming next

I read them lots of stories

I take them to places that they enjoy

I know these things are a given as a parent and don't make up for the bad things I've done but it's still nice to focus on the positives!

[FatherMacKenzie]

I used to get so upset living in an untidy house. It used to make me feel almost physically uncomfortable. I’ve had to let go massively since having dc1 and more so since dc2. I find the less I tidy, the less invested I feel which makes me less bothered if it gets messier. So yeah, it’s a little bit untidy round here (nothing major, just not neat), but I’m a lot calmer.

[NotClear]

Your recent post OP, reminds me of a psychologist I heard of. He noticed how some people suffer when bad things happen and some people seem to get over it. He reckoned that people get into trouble when they have "can't", "oughts"and "shouldn't's" in their mental vocabulary.

So, for example, two people waiting for a train and one person is stressed because the train "shouldn't" be late, he paces the platform and tells himself he "can't" be late, and something "ought" to be done to prevent something so terrible happening to him.

The other passenger sees it as out of his control, telling himself it's not his preference to be late but nobody got killed so he's not going to stress over it. He decides to take the opportunity to spoil himself with his favourite cookie and coffee as he reads the newspaper he would have been in too much of a rush to enjoy on a normal morning.

When my kids make me late it feels the end of the world, but of course it's not. There is no need to shout. Behind it stands a worry that I told them not to play in the mud and they did it anyway; and I fear I may be growing monsters who will end up rebelling against society and ending up ruining their lives through their selfish actions - ridiculous of course, but it's on an unconscious level and based on fear. So I shout. I'm angry I was ignored and fearful of them growing up thinking its ok to ignore. I'm also afraid to withhold their favourite toy as punishment in case it was the other person's fault - what if I've made a mistake and blamed the blameless? All of this appraisal happens in split second timing and so I shout.

[NotClear]

But looking at the positives I am a bloody good Mum in so many other ways, I can see myself in your list of good points too!

This feels so destructive though.

With regard to depression and anxiety I don't believe I suffer from either so haven't been to the GP. Maybe CBT might help me retain myself though. How do you get it online? Haven't heard of that before.

[NotClear]

*Retrain not retain

[definitelynotsupermum]

@NotClear exactly my fears too! What you've said resonates a lot with me, that my children have not listened and think it's ok not to listen and will then do that at school, at work etc, but we know in reality our shouting doesn't fix that, it just teaches them it's ok to shout when something doesn't go our way!! So destructive you're right. Maybe the online CBT is just in my area? A gp told my friend about it and she gave me the website link to self refer. It might be worth speaking to a gp as they can refer you for CBT in your area and it can definitely help retrain your thoughts!

[NotClear]

I don't think I'll go to the GP just yet as I'm in the middle of counselling to try and accept a bad diagnosis. Maybe I'll mention it to the counsellor, though it's not a CBT counsellor so might not get very far!

[definitelynotsupermum]

Oh I would definitely recommend mentioning it, even if you don't do CBT, some talking therapy could help!!

[NotClear]

So I mentioned it it my session this week.

He spoke of stress being poured into a cup and will spill over if the cup isn't emptied from time to time.

The way to empty the cup a bit is to do something that makes you happy and relaxed.

If the cup fills up you get shouty. So the best way to combat shouting is to find ways to reduce the stress pouring in and to syphon the overload with rest and relaxation.

Also, he reiterated that its worth counting to 10, which buys you time, and lets you decide how you will react. Most shouting is linked to fear or frustration, and stopping to analyse the source helps to deal with the trigger more effectively.

It all sounds good, though I'm not sure how I will ever remember to count to 10, as I never remember at the time! Hopefully it will come with time.