Anger :-(

[definitelynotsupermum]

The last 4 months have been stressful with a new baby, a 2 year old and a 4.5 year old to deal with, I've been sleep deprived (obviously!) and overwhelmed with feeding issues and issues with the elder 2 room sharing and sleep. I become irrationally angry at the children and have shouted at them to try and make them stop what they are doing, or will pick them up to move them away from the situation more roughly than I usually would. I feel absolutely terrible, I feel like I'm failing them as I definitely am not being the parent I'd like to be and it's not their fault I chose to have 3 children close together :-(

They are not in any harm I know and I would never ever hurt them

But it sounds like you have. I think that you've recognised it which is good but you need to do something now to stop it. There may be understandable reasons - but it sounds like you're wanting other people to make you feel better because they do it too. That just means they're also harming their children.

You focus should be on how can I stop doing this. And once you've got that sorted it doesn't sound like you've done any permanent damage. But certainly this type of behaviour can, if done over a long period, cause terrible damage to children.

I know this is going to be considered mean and unsupportive - but I think what you really need support for is to stop this behaviour - not make you think it is okay because everyone does it etc

Ah op. It’s hard going alright. I have a 4mo and a 3yo and I feel like I’m at the end of my rope just now. I e just pumped a load of breast milk to feed ds later so that I can have some wine now without feeling guilty.

I just really huffed at dh as well because he wanted to go to the pub and watch the football after he was out last night while I stayed in drinking herbal tea. He’s now sulking upstairs. Fantastic.

OP have you spoken to your HV or GP about how you're feeling? I'm wondering whether you could have PND, which is incredibly common. Try to be kind to yourself. The fact that you're on here asking for help tells me that you DO care and that you ARE a good mum.

What support do you have in place?

You mention their dad,is he a help or hindrance?

Any way can catch a break? Lose the mum guilt before you answer that. If they're fed,cared for,supervised and still alive at the end of it ,yes you can catch a break.

Do you apologise after these episodes? Explain it's not their fault and the reasons why(in a child friendly way)?

@definitelynotsupermum I am sorry this is hard. I sometimes lose my cool with my kids (7 and 13) but I always make a point to apolooguise if I lose my cool, or say or do anything wrong.

If you can safely leave the room, when angry, do so for a moment and use the useful tactics to cool down.

I'd really recommend this book familylinks.org.uk/shop/the-parenting-puzzle-book

It must be hard. I know even with two I struggle at time.

I know a couple of people who have three kids and moan a lot about having three. Yours are very close in age too, so it is tough.

I also feel that you do need to consider possible post natal depression.

I also do agree a bit with aaarrrggghhhh that although you think you would never hurt them, they are making you angry and your anger is making you react "... more roughly than I usually would"

You have observed this and that is good. You are aware. That is good.

You need to take that awareness and work on a strategy to make things better for all of you. Maybe you could also get support from your health visitor.

Good luck and DO NOT beat yourself up. You are normal, stressed etc and you are working on this. And lots of us have been harsher with our kids than we would like to, I will hold my hand up and say I've said and done things I am not proud of but I try and reconnect with them and realize that they need me to deescalate the situation not escalate it.

XXXXXXXXXXX

I haven't read RTFT so apologies if I'm repeating, but I've recently read the book "how to talk so little kids will listen" and it's really helped me to deal better with my kids and not get angry. It has very practical tools for how to diffuse those situations where they are winding each other up end up crying and everyone gets cross.

I swear that my neighbours think I’m the shouty woman who is always trying to get her kids in the car/in the buggy/along the street on the pavement (“NOT IN THE ROAD DS!”)

I had a conversation today with a neighbour friend who has a 4 year old and we both said we do the same thing “sweetie, can you jump in your car seat......no darling, in the seat please..... please get in the seat..... please stop playing with the handbrake......in the seat or we’ll be late......get in the seat.......I’m counting to three..... one, two........SIT IN THE SEAT NOW!!”

We all shout. We’re human. It’s great that you’ve recognised that and are taking steps to reduce it. Good luck OP.

aaarrrggghhhh

Nope, you’re not harming your children if you occasionally shout at them. That’s just ridiculous.

I think realistically when a new baby joins the family you need to give yourself 6 months to mentally adjust and allow for the sleeplessness and constant feeding/being held to settle a bit. It is hardwork and stressful, but things will settle. Check in with a gp, I always seem to get aneamic and this can make you feel exhausted on top of everything else. Checking general well being is a good starting point as their may be something you can actually do about how you feel to improve things.
A friend of mine coped by pretending their was someone watching her, and thinking how would you react to this situation if someone was here in the room.
I found my most challenging times with 4 under 5 were when my OH came in and didn't really do his bit. He didn't seem to see how exhausted I was by holding it together all day, whereas I'd be thinking, thank god you're home.
I'm much more patient now but we all have good days and bad days.
Take care

Thank you so much everyone 😘 I've definitely recognised there is a problem and will take steps to ensure I am staying calm xx

I would say use every bit of help that's available - dms, mil's? And I always used a playpen - not all the time obvs, but it had its uses!

Thank you all for your kind words of support, I know what I've been doing is not ok. Plan of action - talk to counsellor about it, take deep breaths and count to 10, walk away. Looking at my beautiful children today it all just seems so simple, I hope I'm not kidding myself and really I'm spiralling out of control - but I think the fact I've recognised I've acted in a way that I do not like hopefully means the first step to not behaving in that way x

Wait to your kids are older... and you know they are deliberately being naughty/not getting dressed for school/won't do their homework/ not going to bed/raiding the sweetie cupboard/ making a mess/ leaving their shit everywhere/fighting each other/doing incredibly dangerous stuff.

Every mum does it. You lose your shit sometimes. Some of us have a special voice we reserve just for that. I apologise when i do. And my kids know I love them more than anything. And they are happy boys.

I was like this and had a note on my phone I made myself read when I felt myself getting angry. Just things to bring me out of it.

I just found it on my phone - I realise not everyone will agree with all of this but this was my way of snapping myself out of it:

Anger is normal and we are responsible for what we choose to do with it.

I am capable of 1000 times more harm in one action than anything that is thrown at me

Violence sabotages and undoes all the good - it is not ok to discharge in this way

Your child is not the cause and is not your enemy

There is nothing constructive about expressing our anger to another person - it is not true that unless we express it, it will eat away at us

Once calm look at what made us furious. What is wrong in my life that made me feel so furious?
What do we need to do to change that situation

We will not find the answers to these questions by acting in anger

Offer a role model and don't hurt
Screaming is a tantrum
Might does not make right

Show how anger is human and handle it in a mature way

'I am too mad right now to talk about this. I am going to take a timeout and calm down'
Model self control
This is not love withdrawal

Go away to calm down then go back.
'This is not an emergency... Kids need love most when they don't seem to deserve it...she's acting out because she needs help with her feelings...this too shall pass'

Do not ruin your child's life as the effects are lasting

Planning:
Set limits so everyone knows what is expected

Stop
Breathe - elephant 3 times
'This isn't an emergency'
Shake the anger out of my hands
Noise - hum
Smile

What is under the anger?
Fear
Sadness
Disappointment
It is ok to let these in and feel them

NEVER act while angry

Ok to say 'I need to think about what has happened and we will talk about it later'

Don't repress the pain of my own childhood

Mindfulness practice - 20 minutes a day to strengthen brain's response to anger and make it easier to calm

@BetterEatCheese this is brilliant. I've just done some stretching and breathing exercises and the children were copying me, it was cute!!

Oh I'm so pleased you like it. Shaking out my hands was great for me. Different things worked at different times, I just needed a reminder and this worked wonders as all my options were there to contemplate. I found when angry my brain just turned off and I couldn't access all of this so the note was essential

Oh and also, I was a little rough with my dd a few times which made me do the list. I felt panicked that I was becoming some scary angry mum and I couldn't bear it

I find what really helps me is (after I've taken the deep breath) think why my temper is short in that moment. Usually I can pinpoint a physical symptom in myself that I am not meeting. For example, I need a wee, I am hungry, I am too hot. Goes back to needing to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. Take care of your biological needs and I am much more patient

@BetterEatCheese that's what I'm worried about. I will copy and paste what you've sent me and put it on my phone and hope I remember to read it all when I feel angry. It's so irrational though, the anger comes from nowhere and is over as quick as it starts. It is beyond me how I can be angry towards two small children, I look at them and seriously question how they can actually induce real anger in me, they are tiny!!!! And innocent and gorgeous 😟

@mude so so true, at the moment mine is tiredness, which I can't really rectify due to baby waking up, which will go on for a long time yet!

@definitelynotsupermum tiredness is a killer. My 13 week old has a horrible cough and is up all night. A quick boost for me (avoiding caffeine if I can as am breastfeeding) is to down a pint of cold water, and then physically walk outside and look up at the sky, put your face in the natural daylight and open your eyes to the bright sky for as long as you can and tell yourself it's resetting you and waking you up fresh.. it works for me even if results are short lived! Deep breaths outside help too, completely empty my lungs of air and breath in as much fresh air as I can visualising it as I go

@mude such fab advice, your poor little one and you!! I love nature, I try to go for walks and listen to the birds singing. The angry episodes aren't frequent but once would be too frequent for my liking!

@definitelynotsupermum I didn't realise how much I valued nature and the outdoors until I had my children (for their sake and mine!) getting outside definitely helps as prevention as well as cure for "the angry episodes" for me. I'm not sure I'll be able to 100% avoid them but being aware of them and proactive makes me feel more in control at least

@definitelynotsupermum - I know what you mean, the speed it came and went was what got me. The list just made me stop for that 1/2 a second and began to help me catch it, and I began to recognise slowly when it was building. This was hard as I didn't think it was but then started to see that something insignificant earlier on in the day led up to it. So so hard. Hope the list helps. My favourite was shaking the anger out of my hands breathing 'elephant' and saying 'this is not an emergency.'