AIBU to not want to pay for the kids

[Noregrets25]

So my partner and I don’t have children but my sister has 2 and my brother has 3. We often go out for meals for birthdays etc and the bill is split. When the kids were younger it didn’t bother me because they would have the kids menu drink tap water and was always very cheap.
However now they are older they eat off the main menu, they drink soft drinks and have dessert etc.
So we went out for my sisters birthday(she picked and it was not a cheap place) everyone had 2 courses, including the kids, they had 2 soft drinks each and everyone else shared wine, apart from my partner who had a Coke. So the bills come and it’s automatically split between the adults so my partner and I are paying towards 5 kids aswell.
AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to pay for the kids?! I spend a lot of time with the kids, take them out, pick them up gifts if I see something they will like, always treat them on their birthdays, but I feel like their parents should pay for them. Anyone else been is this situation and if so did you say anything?

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Everyone pays for themselves. We go out in a big group once a year for a meal. It's expected that everyone keeps a record of what they spend and pays that plus tip.

[Wheresthebeach]

Now they are eating off the adult menu it should be split by head. You need to address this I'm afraid as they really should of but obviously won't.

Just say you want separate bills from now on or to split by head.

[whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2]

YANBU

[MissCalamity]

YANBU.
My brother doesn't have kids, whereas my sister and I have two each. We recently went out for a meal with our parents & I paid on my card & asked brother for what him & his girlfriend had, I wouldn't dream of splitting it three ways (treat for my parents)

Make sure you have enough change and just put in what you & your DP have had. No need to explain whys and buts, you're paying for what you've eaten/drunk.

[mindutopia]

Totally unreasonable on their part. With the exception of sometimes when we’ve gone of for a meal with either of our parents (who were treating all of us), no one has ever paid for our kids’ meals. I would feel so embarrassed if someone thought we expected that. They are taking you for a ride and I would put a stop to it and say you’re paying for yourselves now.

[sockunicorn]

YANBU.

When I go out with my family (usually) one of my parents pays the entire bill or I do (albeit not as frequently as them).

When we go out with DHs family its split per person. His brother brings his 23 year old sponger daughter with him. Who we are all expected to chip in for . This was fine when she was 12...not so fine now. And shes a CF who orders a vodka and coke (or similar) AND bottle of water as "I dont drink tap water but need a water with my meal" ... knowing she wont be paying a penny. Then a starter, usually a large mixed grill/steak main, has been known to order 2 deserts "to share". Also at the end, if any thank you is given its always just to her dad. Despite us all paying for her and working the bill out in front of her

[Ameliablue]

I would expect to pay for my children, particularly if eating from the main menu.

[AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight]

YANBU.

[GabsAlot]

er no not if its not equal theyre not your kids

[BuffysFavouriteStake]

YANBU in the slightest.

I've been in a similar situation with friends, and their kids were fussy eaters too, always seeming to 'only' eat the most expensive things on the menu

I got round it by saying 'oh, as I'm having wine and you're not, I'll just pay my own this time, so you don't have to pay the extra.' Yes, PA I know, but was fed up by this point.

Of course, every time we go out I now have to drink wine but at least it's become accepted that we pay for our own.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

YANBU - I would definitely want to put a stop to this - though I appreciate it would not be the easiest conversation to have.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

YANBU - but you need to speak up. Just say 'Guys, there is only 2 of us and there are 9 of you' (assuming both partners are there too). So I don't think that's a fair split.

[SamandDean]

YANBU. I have 3 kids, my brother and sister don’t have any kids yet. When we go out together, we split it per head. Not that my family would mind, I just feel it’s unfair for them to pay for my kids. Even though they are young (all under 6), they eat an adult portion and have pudding and drinks so I always pay for them.

[Kazzyhoward]

They invite you because it’s cheaper for them.

Nail on head. My brother and SIL used to take my mother on holiday with them and they always split the total bill into thirds. Mother ended up paying more than her "cost". When me and OH take OH's mother on holiday with us, we use the "marginal cost" basis, i.e. we cost the holiday as if it's just us and then we cost it with MIL, and she pays the difference - much fairer.

[Ohforfoxsakereturns]

They shouldn’t put you in this position.

I have 4dcs. I would either pay a larger proportion of the bill depending on how many of us there were, or pay the whole if it was for one or two more. I wouldn’t break the bill down by specifics, but I’d certain ensure I paid two thirds or whatever.

She’s your sister, you should say next time. If she objects that says more about her than you.

[Kazzyhoward]

Everyone pays for themselves. We go out in a big group once a year for a meal. It's expected that everyone keeps a record of what they spend and pays that plus tip.

For meals, we always get the bill and then mark on who's had what and all pay our own shares. Simple as long as you have an itemised bill. (Also useful to check you've not been overcharged!).

[Furano]

Just say with a smile at the start of the next meal "Oh, rather than splitting the entire bill between the adults - me and DP are just going to pay for what we've eaten + tip this time we need to watch the cash at the moment"

[corcaithecat]

Ideally, you need to say something before you book another meal.
Otherwise, when the bill comes, work out what you had, add the tip and then give them the cash.
I'm guessing that they see you haven't got kids so assume you're financially better off than they are, but the unreasonable part is that they're expecting you to subsidise their family outings. That's not on.

I had a similar incident last year when I went for a meal with my siblings and cousins. I'd flown over to visit them and left DH at home. They're all retired couples on good pensions and I'm the only one with a young DS. My DS is a fussy eater so had a basic burger and chips, I had a basic (cheap) pasta dish and tap water as I'm not wealthy. They had 2 courses plus wine for lunch. My BIL (has form) said we'll split the bill and asked for x amount form each couple. It my my brother's 70th so I didn't want to cause a fuss and paid up. That was my holiday spends gone.
Thankfully, my sister caught my expression and slipped me some money afterwards when her DH (BIL) was distracted.
Love my sister, she's brilliant!

[pudding21]

I went out last night with 3 other adults, my two kids, and 3 other children. We split the bill by 9 and then paid our respective amounts. So I paid for my three, they paid for theirs.

We didn't all eat and drink the same but it was the fairest way without sitting there for hours going through the bill. You should not be paying for their kids to eat and I would not let you do that if I was eating with adults with no kids. Its not fair. tell them!

[Starlighter]

YANBU! That’s so cheeky! Not sure how you’d approach it though without coming across as the bad guy...

You could try just having soft drinks a couple of times and say you’ll stick to your own bill as you’re not drinking, then try to get in that habit every time. Tricky though.

[MegMez]

If I'm out for a meal with friends and I'm the only one with kids I'll always work it out paying for my own kids meals. Last time this happened I was the only one not drinking so we ended up paying similar amounts. I'll always offer and it's usually a friend or family member who'll say "no, don't worry, we'll split" or "don't be silly, you only had one glass of wine".

Some people are just massive rude word about bill splitting. "But I just had a coke" - oh shut up Deidre, you also had the mixed grill so don't start.

I'm taking my kids on holiday with a friend soon and I assumed I'd pay for us 3 and she'd pay for her. She's being really generous and splitting everything down the middle but that's also coz she knows I earn peanuts and she's single on a massive London wage. I say this as there's no hard and fast rule.

On family meals we're more likely maybe one of us get the drinks and another gets the food. Or my dad will say he's treating us all or if I'm with my sister we assume we split and pay for our own kids but if it's much of a muchness we'll just go halvesies. Depends on the occasion too - as the host maybe you say "it's on me" or "I'll get these" or "I'll get all the kids this time".

Depends on the kind of place you're in. It's easier at a Hungry Horse type place to go up separately and pay for your own meals than when the waitress comes to the table.

When I'm on big work meals we'll have the "how are we doing this?" question - if everyone had the 2 course lunch menu with one drink we just split it, if it's more complicated we pay for what we had and maybe one boss will say "I'll put in an extra £20 for that wine" (I work in a fairly low paid industry!)

As with all these AIBU threads there's a way to go about it. Don't bring it up at the end of the meal but as you're looking at the menu. "Are we splitting?" "Who's getting the kids meals" "Chris isn't drinking tonight so shall we pay separately?" "We're not getting starters so we'll pay separately at the end OK?" etc.

[TheJoyOfSox]

They are being CF. Next time you all go out, put enough cash to cover your food and drinks plus a little for a tip, rather than splitting equally between the adults. If either of your siblings pulls you up on the ‘shortfall’ point out the difference in your family to their family!

You need to let them know that you are not prepared to subsidise their restaurant bill now thei children are bigger. If you don’t let them know, they’ll never change.

[Trinity66]

I can't believe the parents would put you in that situation where you now have to feel like an awkward dick and mention it. YANBU

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU at all.
Every year I go out for a meal with 2 childless friends and my 2 DC. Every year I say I will pay more for the children, and every year they say "don't be silly" and split the bill 3 ways even. But my 2 are getting bigger now and it's not one meal split between them, so I do expect to pay for my own children, as everyone should!
I think this year they will agree that I should pay half the bill at least, because that's much more fair - or we'll pay each what we owe, to make sure it's completely fair.

The difference here though is that I offer to pay more, and they turn me down - there is no expectation that they will just pick up a share of my children's food.