To think a lot of women are in shit relationships?

[crunchymint]

It just saddens me how many women are in relationships where their partner does not respect them, belittles them, does not do their share of housework or childcare, or does not support them.

[starzig]

Do you think maybe expectations are a bit high. Certainly not talking of abuse cases. But a lot of relationship has arguments and problems. Very few are holding hands into the sunset.

[crunchymint]

I think expectations are not high enough.

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

Some people seem to start a relationship assuming that they will change what they don't like in their partners, or worst resent what attracted them in the first place. How can that ever work?

[AllisLost]

JestFromTheWest I was a hostage to my dwindling fertility.

Me too. I had many relationships and none worked out. By 38 I wondered whether I was asking for the impossible. I did settle for a man who was a friend, who was sexy and interesting and whom I'd known for years. We were good together, we travelled and had fun and I certainly loved him but I knew our relationship wasn't ideal.

Things were different after the children were born because life wasn't so much fun, there was less sex and less money and I saw more of the controlling and difficult side of him.

But I got my children and I love them - as does he - so whilst it wasn't/isn't a good relationship I suppose I made my choice. I don't blame him.

[Blahblahdoll]

I have friends, both male & female who have settled.
I do agree that it’s normal to have ups & downs. I certainly found having babies & toddlers a strain.

[TempusFugitive]

I never thought i could change my x.
I thought that i could live with him how he was. Maybe i could have (altho i would have been unfulfilled) but he got so much worse, he got less reasonable, more controlling.
So the issue wasnt my naivety believing i could change him. It was my belief that i deserved no better than what he was. Luckily though, he got worse and i did feel worth more than his worst.

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

Having a job whnarrief is worth more than just the money.DH was happy when I went part time after having DD,I still paid 1/2of everything from my maternity pay and then wages.I had always said I would go full time when she went to school.He was livid when I did.
As our relationship changed it was validation fromy job and colleagues that stopped me believing totallythat I was worthless and a bad mother,but it was a close thing.We had 5 good years and 11 increasingly bad until I was forced to go.
We're almost 2 years on and the effects are still there.XDH has moved seamlessly into new relationships and externally he seems like the man I first met but is loosing contact with DD(2 hours since Christmas).
When you confident what is happening to you so many open up with their hidden stories.
I don't know if it's getting worse,If I'm noticing more or we're just more open about it but It's not just MN world.

[Lolabowla]

The only way this will change is to stop doing work for your husbands like washing cooking and cleaning and to teach both daughters and sons how to cook and clean, if husband disagrees don't include his washing cooking and cleaning whilst you are doing it. Men are more than capable. It should not be a woman's job to do this. We need to stop enabling them. Structurally men need more paternity leave so they can actually bond with their children and realise how hard it is to raise them. Two weeks is not enough. I'd like to see women do the first three month/recover from the birth then the men do the next three month, to bond and realise the reality of taking care of children whilst the wife/partner goes back to work

[RoobieDoobie]

A lot of people think you need to set a good example and teach your sons how to cook clean treat women etc and if they witness an unbalanced relationship growing up that they will turn out the same way. I guess a nature vs nurture debate.

But my DH grew up in what can only be described as the most sexist house in the world. Once he was born, she never worked again. He controlled everything. She never had access to money, his dad did nothing around the house ever and still doesn't. She gets no say in any purchase. She isn't allowed to go out without his permission and even then he would take her where she wanted to go. She isn't allowed to drive the car. Oh I could go on with lots more examples. It bothers me a lot to see this. My DH says it is just how they have always been. His mum says it his her own fault for allowing him to get away with it in the beginning.

Despite growing up in that environment. He does more than his fair share around the house. I came back from an epic trip to the hair dresser yesterday and he wa scrubbing the bathroom floor. Of course I never asked it mentioned it. I don't need to, he sees what needs doing and just does it. We share drop offs and pick ups with the kids depending on who has what on that day. He does cook but it isn't his best skill. He is caring and generous and we share money completely no questions asked. He does night wakings. The kids have never been seen as my responsibility. I do like organising and arranging so I do tend to take the majority of the mental load but then he goes out into the Freezing g cold garage and preps the bikes for holidays so fair is fair. He puts washing on all the time and then puts it in the drier afterwards, he changes the bed sheets whenever he thingks they need changing. He will change the kids sheets aswell. I never ask him to. I never remember they need doing. This is turning into a bit of a brag session. My point is that this is my husband. A good man, a good husband and a good dad. One of the best quite frankly. But looking at his parents relationship and how their house is run and I am still flabbergasted that it didn't affect him more.

[RoobieDoobie]

It has to be said his brother though that his brother didn't escape unscathed and has def inherited his dads attitude towards money and I would be surprised if he has ever cleaned their bathroom.

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

I'd like to see women do the first three month/recover from the birth

3 months is nowhere near enough! It can be, and in some countries most women do go back to work around that time BUT they have better structures and a lot more help, and follow-up.
if you BF, you'd still be BF at night at 3 months, so do you really expect women to work all day whilst their DH is at home, and be up every 3 hours at night to feed the baby? Some women bounce back quickly, others don't. Not everybody has family who come and help with the baby either.

There's a reason why it's women who have the maternity leave! Give the choice to people to share parental leave, but it's a very dangerous move to reduce the actual maternity leave.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

I seem to witness amongst friends relationship are not abusive but where the women just do more, take on the mental load and the men are lazy.

A friend of mine was very ill with nasty virus just after Christmas, we are couple friends through our children's sports team. They moved away so we see them a lot less unfortunately.

She sounded terrible, turned out her DH had the week off work but let her just carry on as ususal. Not for a minute did he think anything was wrong with that and neither did she. My friend should have been taking it easy. I think that may be what the op is writing abou t the lower level but not right stuff.

[TempusFugitive]

Yes peanutbuttercheese your friend's struggle while a man sits on the sofa watching her struggle is a common theme I think. I remember years ago after the birth of my second child I was struggling, resentment wasn't making things easier. A friend offered to take my toddler for a few hours and my x (then h) said 'right I'll go out on my motorbike for a few hours'. It was MY friend who had offered to do something to help ME and he took her favour and awarded it to himself. He refused to 'understand' what he had done wrong.

[YoloSwaggins]

I dunno, I see a lot more the other way round.

I know 5 separate guys whose girlfriends were abusive. As in, didn't let them go out, said if they did they would self-harm if they did, sent them photos of pills saying they would kill themselves if they ever dumped them. Not just a one-way thing.

[PrimeraVez]

I hate to say it, but most of the shit relationships that I know of involve a woman who isn't very well educated and so has far less opportunities and options. Maybe this is what we need to focus on improving.

For example, one of my friends left school at 16 and has never had a 'career'. Her jobs have always been NMW roles that have been solely about bringing home a pay cheque each month. Meanwhile, her DH has what she would consider 'a proper job'.

This meant that as soon as her DC1 was born, she gave up work and has no intention of returning. The low salary that she could earn is less than what they would pay for childcare, and she doesn't have a vocation or profession that she's passionate enough to return to.

She's now in a position where she feels inferior to her DH, feels responsible for all the housework as he's 'busy working' all day, feels guilty for spending 'his' money on stuff like clothes, toiletries, socializing etc. Meanwhile, he's a bit of a prick, who swaggers around and boasts about his 'wifey' who is basically a glorified housemaid.

[Spoog1971xx]

Reading MN has made me realise that my snoring, crisp guzzling DH is actually quite a catch.
Seriously sad women still have to put up with such shit and are still conditioned to take it on the chin

[crunchymint]

My mum told me as a teenager never to marry someone that I though about - if only they didn't do that.
Basically anything annoying had to be very very minor things you saw as not annoying. Because even minor things get more annoying the longer you are with someone.