AIBU to not be excited by PIL news?

[LuluJakey1]

PIL came up from Yorkshire this weekend. They stayed with SIL who lives near us and moved up here (Northumberland) about 3 years ago when she got married.

We went round for lunch today to SILs and PIL announced they are selling up and moving up here with grandma. SIL and DH are delighted. PIL are delighted. I just feel a bit ....... not delighted.

DH was moving up here temporarily for work when we met. That was 9 years ago and we got married and he stayed here. I am from here but my parents are now dead. We have DS 3 and DD 9m. As I said SIL moved up when she got married and she and BIL (who comes from Durham) have a DD now 8m.

I can understand PIL wanting to be near their children and grandchildren - they are very close to DH and SIL and miss them both. They also adore their grandchildren. I am not sure why I feel a bit apprehensive about it.

I just feel I have been a bit taken over by this family. DH and I had a lovely life before we had children. We did as we liked and had no one else who expected anything of us.

Don't get me wrong, I get on really well with DH's family. I could not ask for nicer in laws. They are kind, funny, don't interfere. I am just not used to being part of a family like this that do lots together. I was an only child. It feels a bit suffocating at times and I have managed that because they live in Yorkshire and we see them about once every month or 6 weeks. I am worrying about how much our lives could become taken over by all of this. AIBU?

[Handsfull13]

I have the opposite of this. I'm from a big close family and my OH had just his mum and they didn't speak much with the rest of his small family.
It was a big shock for him at first, I understood but it wasn't until he pointed out how strange it was did I put more effect into not forcing it on him.
I make sure I run everything past him and give him outs when it's something he doesn't need to come to.
I'd wait til they find a house and then just have a little chat about how you aren't used to having lots of family around and your worried you won't get as much alone time with him and the kids.

[BendydickCuminsnatch]

We had the same, PILs lived 4 hours away and then moved 20 minutes away from us. Once they'd moved in FIL actually said 'Oh, I didn't realise we were so close to you!'.... yeah right. In their case it was quite a passive aggressive/territorial/controlling type of move.
On the bright side it means we don't have to go and see them for weekends and DH can just pop round for an afternoon for example. But definitely keep your boundaires OP, I'm always saying no to stuff, most recently a family holiday. FIL openly dislikes me so that stops me feeling too bad haha.

[morningconstitutional2017]

Thankfully you've said that your ILs are perfectly lovely - so hang on to that thought. In the meantime, 'don't trouble trouble unless trouble troubles you' would be my advice.
However, I don't blame you for feeling apprehensive, as an only child you've been used to having your own space. IIWU I'd just stand back a little when it comes to family gatherings. There'll probably be more of them to begin with but as they find their feet in a new area hopefully they'll find other things to do with their time so that you don't feel overwhelmed.

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

I felt a bit like you when my DC were small as yours are. DH's family are loud, rich and nothing like mine.

I was reluctant to move near them but did eventually and I'm SO glad I agreed to it.

They help out a lot and DC love them.

[Snugglepiggy]

YABU and sound a tiny bit selfish to me.Even Yorkshire to where you live is quite a drive. People forget that grandparents whilst still active and not ancient are older,a bit more worn out after bringing up their own families and you immediately presume they will be an inconvenience and intrude.They sound lovely,if you had already had problems with them or didn't like theme I could understand.Of course boundaries need to be gently set, but it works both ways.You could have an emergency or need help with DC'S and they could be invaluable,likewise they will probably get stuck in to the community and have busy lives of their own and not be available when it suits you.A long as they are not popping in uninvited or expecting you to give them a designated slot to spend time with them you could end up enjoying it if you let yourself.But then different families have different dynamics and I can see if you're not used to a family that is close and mucks in to help it could seem overwhelming to be fair.But I saw my PILs in short bursts often as they lived nearby,as did my parents when DC'S were little and it was great,and suited us all. DSIL lived miles away and PILS got knackered with the drive,and visits involved intense stays of several days.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I think you should sit down with your DH before they move, right now, and have a chat. The approach you take should be 'I'm slightly worried, they are lovely and I really don't want to start feeling differently about them because boundaries become blurred. We will see them more, and that will be lovely, but there are things that definitely wouldn't work for me - for example having a key and just popping round whenever they felt like it, or getting into the habit of spending fixed weekend time with them and there being an expectation of that happening. I want us to talk about that now, between us, so that you know how I feel and that I can find out what you expect to happen and what you'd be happy with. I want us to be on the same page before they move so that we can make sure the right balance is achieved from the start as one thing I really don't want is to fall out or make them feel unwelcome'.

This is your family life- you have the right to determine how it is shaped. So does your DH, so you need to meet in the middle. However - right now you have a status quo that works and one thing he cannot do is expect external people to make decisions that change your dynamic and expect you to just accept that if it doesn't suit you.

[bigtissue]

YANBU. People need their own space. I would hate this to happen personally, it would be my idea of hell, like an invasion. In laws don't just up sticks and move to be nearer family on a whim, it's because they feel they will gain from it.

Whether that's the same for you is another matter - you may be subject to all kinds of new obligations that affect your relationship with them. You probably won't be able to stop their move if they are determined.

Have you thought of moving yourselves once they have moved?

[BringMeTea]

I love that bigtissue. Can you imagine their poor faces as the board goes up 2 weeks after they’ve arrived? That might be a bit extreme as OP does actually like them.

[Eryri1981]

I moved 250 miles away from my parents (bullying DM), my DB (coincidently) married a women from near where I moved too, and there was a brief time when it looked like DB & SIL might move up near me, in which case my parents would likely have followed. This filled me with terror and felt like a massive invasion of my privacy and I felt like I would lose control of my own life. Fortunately circumstances changed and this looks highly unlikely now.

OP I am not surprised you feel apprehensive, and I think it is good that you are trying to get control of these emotions now. Discuss boundaries (like the door key) with DH now and make it clear what you are happy with and what is too much, so it does not arise and therefore does not cause arguments later.

[RB68]

I think initially they might well be relying on those living there already for socialisation but help them with identifying nice local church and charity communities and events to go to, Let them have the grandkids solo and do something with Hubby etc.

I would also have a convo with DH that says look I love them as they are your family, even now I am still adjusting, I am a little jealous you still have your parents here so its not easy for me and I think I need boundaries in place so I can adjust - not that they can't change over time. Be clear no keys to pass over, no agreeing to Sun Lunch every weekend (maybe once a month) they need to ring to visit at least at first. If they have Grandma as well they will have their own responsibilities and may also need respite from that occasionally for days out on their own. In some ways I want to say be grateful for what you have, in others I entirely understand.

[MimiSunshine]

I understand your feelings. My parents wanted to move near to me and I wasn’t delighted by it.

I worked out that I liked visiting them, but I also liked my own life, I liked my own routines. I liked being able to say ‘nothing’ when asked what I was doing at the weekend without then the expectation that I would therefore see them.

I was worried they’d expect to come and sit in my house all day Sunday like they do with another family member.

As it was they moved elsewhere and so
I was worried for nothing, however when near me was still on the cards I decided I was just going to have to be firm in my boundaries and let them know that I’d probably see them every other weekend and not always for a full day. That they would t have a key etc

So I’d recommend discussing these things with your DH before hand and making sure you’re on the same page and agree beforevthey move

[CoffeeOrSleep]

Your feelings are perfectly fine. This will change the way you interact with your extended family, and it's not a change that you have thought about and chosen, one that you will now have to think about and put up with.

But as others have said, long term this is probably going to be better for you. Visits will be for lunch or dinner, not a whole weekend. Your DH can pop in on his way to/from somewhere else (alone or with the DCs), not needed to book out a whole weekend to see his parents. As they age, if they need someone to help them out, you/your DH/your SIL can easily pop in for an hour or so, rather than have to clear the decks for a day to go to them.

Encourage them to build a network of friends, I would probably try to have at least something in on either Saturday or Sunday every weekend for the first month or two after they move, just so "Saturday afternoon at Grandmas" or "sunday lunch as a big family" doesn't become the norm, force a more flexible approach, nip in the bud a 'tradition' starting, and possibly encourage your DH to pop in on his way home from work for a brew with his parents every now and then so they've had a visit.

Agree avoid keys being handed over until you've established if they are likely to just let themselves in. Let SIL be the first one to do that and see what happens...

Are they likely to be up for babysitting?

[SersioulycanitgetWORSE]

I too and fro the back up need angle I have massively struggled with back up.. I would have loved family around us to have that layer of support only loving family can give. Unfortunately the family close by is not that loving or supportive.

Anyway.. Op I think your fears are valid even the most lovely well meaning family can over step boundaries and make you feel suffocated.
I think what's critical here is...without making a fuss, simply make sure you keep boundaries. From the get go. They expect to drop in on weekend, be out etc so they ask if that's what you want them to do..

[Enidblyton1]

I'm with your DH on this one. We live 10 minutes from my PiL and we don't feel in each others pockets. But it's lovely that we can see them little and often rather than make huge trips. It's invaluable for the odd bit of babysitting and it will make life so much easier when PiL get older. (It's awful having my Granny a 3 hour drive from me right now - would love to see her once a week but can't manage more than once a month).
Just take things slowly and don't set up routines of seeing them at a particular time. Things will evolve and you have the power to shape how it all works out.

[CAAKE]

them just turning up regularly or Sunday lunch becoming a weekly event

This would be exactly my concern if my PIL were to move near me OP. YANBU to feel apprehensive. I'd be setting some kind, firm, clear boundaries with DH on board.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

YABU. I hope! Our ds are teens but I have always thought we'd end up moving to be near one or other in our older age to help out/be near them and a bit involved, I hope our future imaginary daughters in law aren't as unwelcoming as you.

[bigtissue]

Or indeed sons in law, ThickAndThin - you never know what the future will hold

[thecatsthecats]

I understand your apprehension OP.

I moved to my fiance's hometown years ago, and I still have to keep an eye on the balance of relationships. It's not as simple as 'won't it be lovely', even if all the people concerned are lovely. It's a change to your life that you don't have control over.

My MIL to be very much puts her family and friends first - their family life is centered around HER relations, and we're expected to keep in tow with all their activities (my FILs family are pushed out, and she assumes that I will spend all mothers/fathers day celebrations with their families).

But we have our own lives, and there is my family too. We don't WANT to plan our entire annual calendar around her family! We don't want to have so many competing commitments that we have to plan around meeting them all... It's not a constant worry or inconvenience, so I hope it isn't for you either.

I guess I just wanted to empathize! I imagine you'll get lots of people telling you otherwise . But yes. Be publicly happy and privately make sure you know your boundaries.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Well yes bigtissue, those as well should I have some . It may actually be easier to have sons in law judging by the mn hate for mil at times.

[GeorgeTheHamster]

I can see why you're a bit taken aback. But actually I think things will be much better for you once they have moved, especially as they sound like nice sociable people who will build a life for themselves. Also BABYSITTING 😄

[EggsonHeads]

YANBU. A similar thing happened to me. I really like my BIL and SIL and I really appreciate all the help that they offer but it's really suffocating. As much as I joke marry my husband for my SIL I actually just chose my husband. I am very close to my SIL in particular but it just feels like I haven't done anything with just my family in ages. It's very suffocating. I find that regular holidays help.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Well both their children live in Northumberland so I think it's perfectly ok they want to be near them and their GC.

You're overthinking it imo.

[Ickyockycocky]

I think you are very fortunate indeed to be part of such a lovely family. I would suggest you stop thinking of these people as DH's family and embrace them as family. You say your in-laws are kind, funny and don't interfere. What more could you ask for.

[Macandpeas]

I can relate to this. I'm dreading the day my ils move back to our hometown. Different reasons for me, they show minimal interest in our dc and we don't get on very well although this is never spoken about and we are all civil.

It annoys me that they are no help when we need them and feel like they'll expect to have this brilliant relationship with the dc when they're older that they don't deserve.