AIBU to not be excited by PIL news?

[LuluJakey1]

PIL came up from Yorkshire this weekend. They stayed with SIL who lives near us and moved up here (Northumberland) about 3 years ago when she got married.

We went round for lunch today to SILs and PIL announced they are selling up and moving up here with grandma. SIL and DH are delighted. PIL are delighted. I just feel a bit ....... not delighted.

DH was moving up here temporarily for work when we met. That was 9 years ago and we got married and he stayed here. I am from here but my parents are now dead. We have DS 3 and DD 9m. As I said SIL moved up when she got married and she and BIL (who comes from Durham) have a DD now 8m.

I can understand PIL wanting to be near their children and grandchildren - they are very close to DH and SIL and miss them both. They also adore their grandchildren. I am not sure why I feel a bit apprehensive about it.

I just feel I have been a bit taken over by this family. DH and I had a lovely life before we had children. We did as we liked and had no one else who expected anything of us.

Don't get me wrong, I get on really well with DH's family. I could not ask for nicer in laws. They are kind, funny, don't interfere. I am just not used to being part of a family like this that do lots together. I was an only child. It feels a bit suffocating at times and I have managed that because they live in Yorkshire and we see them about once every month or 6 weeks. I am worrying about how much our lives could become taken over by all of this. AIBU?

[Carbivorous]

How could it have been in active?!

[museumum]

Oh bloody hell. Sorry for the bump - it was in my active convos I assumed the last OP update was recent 🤷‍♀️

[ShalomJackie]

Definitely a no keys rule. Definitely a no regular recurring event thing - ad hoc only stuff. Manage expectations only.

Focus on tbe positives of extra help nearby for emergencies etc.

[MsLexic]

I think you need reassuring. It will be fine, hopefully you will get support and love too and who knows what else. Life changes, you are fortnate to have a family. I am not moaning but I have no one, except my DP and a very old Mum.

[mummmy2017]

Please see this as a good thing.
Sit your MIL down and tell her...
Tell her you love her but the sadness and guilt of missing your own parents sometimes means you find it hard to watch them all as a big happy family.
That sometimes you may not go to family events as you need quiet time...
Since your DH and SIL love their parents I don't think she will mind...

[Carbivorous]

@LuluJakey1 You may as well come back and tell us how it’s going

[Carbivorous]

@museumum How did you find this thread from April?!

[museumum]

It sounds lovely. We have Sunday dinner at mils with sils family about once every two months. It moved to dinner when the kids started clubs and sports and do each family can still have the day and we meet about 5. It’s really nice, my ds adores these meals and his cousins.

[LuluJakey1]

Just remembered about this thread. PIL are moving into their house up here next week- at least that is the current date. It is about 10 mins walk from us and has a nice big garden - which DS and DD will love when they visit

I am embracing it all and being very laid back. Am going to bake for them the day they move so they have nice things to welcome them. DS is at nursery so DD and I are going to help DH's grandma unpack. She has her own bedroom and bathroom and sitting room on the ground floor but it is part of the house so she can be with PIL if she wants but she can have a bit of privacy too.

SIL is going to help PIL unpack.

[CAAKE]

Good updates OP. Don't feel guilty! You did the right thing coming on here to vent then speaking about it calmly with your DP.

[LuluJakey1]

They have had an asking price offer on their house! They are here -at SIL's - this weekend, looking at houses. Have seen 2 yesterday, 6 today, have 4 arranged for tomorrow and one on Monday morning. Grandma has hers on the market too, no offers as yet. They are thinking of renting it to MIL's cousin's son who is going to uni in Bradford in the autumn.
I feel Ok about it all now. Have calmed down.
DS has drawn a picture of their house here - which looks like a satsuma It is round and orange and it is smiling . MIL was delighted with it.

[Lizzie48]

Read your update, I'm glad you're feeling better and that your DH is on board.

[Lizzie48]

I know what you mean, OP. I wouldn't want to live near my in laws either. I'm happy just seeing them 2 or 3 times a year tbh. OTOH, your DH has a say in this too, and it will be lovely for your DCs to have their GPs and great gran living nearby.

You can still have clear boundaries though. My DM lives fairly near us but we don't see her all that often. In practice, life gets busy and visits don't always happen all that often. You have a say and make sure you don't get steamrollered into more visits than you're comforting with.

One advantage in them living locally is that you won't be going for longer visits or having them stay with you. You can have shorter visits, which I'm happier with where my DM is concerned.

[ittakes2]

My husband's family are both emotionally and physically close. We live 10mins from both my m'n'law/f'n'law and 15 min from my b'n'law and his partner. My DH and my b'n'law see their parents regularly - I only see my b'n'law at Christmas and the odd birthday and my m'n'law on a need only basis. I adore my f'n'law and I see him once a week. Just because people live close doesn't mean you have to be in each others pockets. Encourage your DH to visit his relatives without you.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Compared to the majority of MN MILs yours sounds positively lovely.

You never know you might just enjoy them being near.

[LuluJakey1]

Thanks everyone. I have calmed myself down a bit and talked to DH last night about my worries. Interestingly he said the same things - not as worries but just that he likes our time together and we have to be careful to keep that and not be doing weekly routines.
They will be fine. You are right about the visits being shorter - they won't have to stay and we won't have to drive down there and stay. They will love to babysit - they are great with DS, who is a little tinker.
I feel guilty now. MIL was the most amazing support to me when my mam died.

[Snugglepiggy]

Just maybe your reply MIL reads MN and recognises herself.She is probably perfectly lovely, and OP maybe they want to move for other reasons.They have grown to like the area,they want to move house anyway and have a fresh start.That was great fun and an exciting project for DH and I, creating our new home for us two,alone as a couple again. Just as you value your privacy and space believe it or not so do grandparents! Plus they save time and fuel .More time for all those lovely hobbies they can now enjoy and new people to meet.Plus her own daughter lives up there.If she's as lovely as you say she probably got you sussed,and is far more likely to expect to find the kettle on and a warm welcome at her daughters.
I'm very close to my adult DC'S ,adore my GC but my friends and me time also mean a lot after years and years of taking full responsibility for my own family, plus working. I suspect they may turn out to be the sameSone of the suggestions to find them activities etc to keep them from bothering you are pretty patronising tbh.

We actually moved very close to my PILs at one stage ,mainly because it was the right house,but it was great. DH could pop in and see his parents for a quick catch up without me,MIL was on hand to help if I asked but never came round uninvited.The same with my parents a few years later.But the DC'S got so much out of their relationship with GPs close by. Hopefully that will be the case for you.Try to think positive.You value your space. Totally get that.But your DH values his family and I get that also.

[CoffeeOrSleep]

It's worth noting as well, that by being close to their DD and DS, there's a good chance that a 'crunch point' when the younger generation have to take care of them will be pushed back a long way. If you/your DH/your SIL/her DH can pop in to check they are ok, sort out a garden, or pick up shopping, do little repairs they need, take them to appointments if need be, if they live close enough to you that you can sort out a cleaner/gardener etc easily, that you will be able to get there in a short amount of time if something bad happens, then the chances are between the 4 of you, you'll be able to keep them in their own home for longer.

If they have already downsized when they are fit and able, having bought a new property with one eye on old age, (rather than looking for a good place to raise their DCs, assuming they last moved when they had children at home), that factors in stuff like ease of maintence and access to public transport (even if they drive now), then they are more likely to be in a property they can stay independent for longer.

Just be busy a lot when they first move, to force them to build a new network of which you are only a small part.

[chocatoo]

I think you should keep an open mind. Just see how it all pans out. Allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised. I think it will be fine - they sound lovely.

[LucilleBluth]

You're welcome bigtissue....although I haven't read any of your previous posts. Nice to see a lovely big grin though.

[bigtissue]

For gods sake...you spend years raising your son and when you want to move NEAR him.....not move in with him, his wife doesn't want you to. Sort yourself out op.

You've proved my point entirely, Lucille

[LucilleBluth]

For gods sake...you spend years raising your son and when you want to move NEAR him.....not move in with him, his wife doesn't want you to.

Sort yourself out op.

[DenPerry]

I get you OP. My inlaws are lovely too (well, MIL is...) but quite happy having them 2000 miles away! But they're moving back to the UK and will live about 40 mins away, which at first felt too close but then I realised it will be better. We can see them for short and sweet visits for a few hours at a time instead of week all being cooped up in the same house. Plus the kids will love it.

In your case I think just let them get on with it, let DP and kids see them regularly but there's nothing wrong with you keeping your distance. Using their visits as an opportunity to have some 'you time' while the grandparents are on hand to look after the kids! And you maybe aiming to see them properly (sit down and chat, have lunch together etc) as often as you do now. Make sure DP is on side for making sure you have notice before visits. I think it will improve your life if you look at it like that. I am certainly planning on using the time they are at our house to go do something for myself!

[Jaxhog]

I don't live that near to my family, so I get what you mean. My mum and brothers seem to live in each others houses pretty much, while I value my privacy. But I don't see them as much as I'd like, because it takes the whole weekend to visit.

Try and think positive. Unless they are moving next door, you'll be able to control how much (or little) you see them. Who knows, you might enjoy it!