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AIBU?

To think my brother should be paying for his childcare?

89 replies

goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 15:03

My older brother had a baby this year, and my mother moved from the south up to Scotland in order to be closer to him, his baby and his wife. It's her first grandchild (none from me quite yet ;) !) so she was really excited to be around. Property was cheaper up there too, so she got rid of her mortgage and bought a little cottage a short drive from them.

Her plan was to get a part time job there, and then care for the baby a couple of days a week. However, since she arrived about 9 months ago, she hasn't got work, instead looking after the child from 8-5 every day whilst he works from home and his wife is out at the office.

She doesn't have a lot of money, and is not on any kind of benefits, so is just chewing through her remaining savings, of which I know there is not much. AIBU to think that my brother and his wife, who both earn decent money, should be paying her something for the childcare she is providing? It seems to me she is effectively subsidising their lifestyle, and not standing up for herself. What can I do - I have tried to talk to my brother gently about it but he becomes extremely defensive and goes on about how stressed he is and how difficult his life is. I have tried to encourage my mother to get a job but she seems to have lost all confidence since she moved. She doesn't feel able to ask them for any money.

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coffeeforone · 23/01/2018 16:12

I would never expect to pay grandparents to provide childcare to their own grandchildren. I think your DM needs to find a part time job as per her original plan so she can sustain herself. And your brother should pay for the childcare at whatever times you mum is unavailable to look after grandchild (or if its too much for her).

Fairenuff · 23/01/2018 16:12

I think, as they are all adults, you should stay out of it. It's none of your business really.

TwoBobs · 23/01/2018 16:15

In England, if you are caring for family only you can't be a registered childminder. You are able to be paid for caring for your own family without being registered.

Not sure of the rules in Scotland.

Coyoacan · 23/01/2018 16:16

OP, you mother is compus mentis and an adult, so it is frankly none of your business.

EggsonHeads · 23/01/2018 16:17

A lot of people don't understand what it's like financially to have children. We save every penny we can out of fear more than anything else. My brother' siblings seem to think that we have money to throw to the wind, I suppose we could do, but it doesn't feel that way. Money in general has become extremely stressful and the last thing we want to do is talk about it. Maybe that's why he is reacting that way? Ultimately it will all have to change when she runs out of money anyway. I suggest that you just leave them to it unless it become a problem. At this point all you are likely to achieve is a strained relationship between you and your brother.

Trinity66 · 23/01/2018 16:21

Your brother and his wife sound like CFs to be honest

HamishBamish · 23/01/2018 16:23

A similar thing happened with my brother, but luckily my mum didn't sell her property, but she did move into his house for over a year. It started out as a short term thing (my SIL had to go back to work at around 3 months and they couldn't find a nanny), but it ended up lasting around 15 months. It ended up a complete nightmare for everyone and eventually relations got so bad between my mum and SIL that she had no contact with her GD for over 2 years.

I didn't intervene. Tbf, I didn't know all the horrid details until afterwards, but I should have said something.

I would be more assertive with your brother OP. The situation isn't sustainable and your mum either needs to be paid or get a job. She needs to have a plan for the longer term. What will she do when they no longer need her? If she's still of working age will she need to get a job and if so, what effect will the gap on her CV have?

pastabest · 23/01/2018 16:23

Although it doesn't solve the immediate issue OP your mum can actually claim national insurance contributions for providing the childcare for grandchildren, so that's one less thing to worry about.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-adults-who-care-for-a-child-under-12-fact-sheet/specified-adult-childcare-credits-fact-sheet

You could use this information though as a different approach to raising the issue.

goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 16:33

Thanks for sharing this - and to the others that did. Useful stuff I didn't know.

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goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 16:35

Yeah - I really don't know that, and I don't know the ins and outs of their financial situation, for sure. Nor would I pry! It's a good point.

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VladmirsPoutine · 23/01/2018 16:35

Talk to your SIL and tell your mum to exert herself. That said, she's an adult woman with presumably two functioning adult children so why she has found herself in this position is odd.

goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 16:37

I know this, and I know as an adult I should just let her get on with it and stop trying to mother my mother. However I still feel a responsibility to make sure she is OK. But it is a very fine line, I agree, hence me not knowing what the best course of action is.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/01/2018 16:37

Jeez, under those circumstances of course they should be paying her something!
That's completely unreasonable. It's also a hell of a lot of childcare she's doing, hope she doesn't wear herself out over it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/01/2018 16:37

Jeez, under those circumstances of course they should be paying her something!
That's completely unreasonable. It's also a hell of a lot of childcare she's doing, hope she doesn't wear herself out over it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/01/2018 16:37

Jeez, under those circumstances of course they should be paying her something!
That's completely unreasonable. It's also a hell of a lot of childcare she's doing, hope she doesn't wear herself out over it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/01/2018 16:38

Oops, sorry for double post!

Trinity66 · 23/01/2018 16:40

However I still feel a responsibility to make sure she is OK

Of course you do, she's your mother, I'd be livid if my brother was taking advantage of my mom like that

goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 16:41

Uff this sounds horrible, poor them.

I did ask her what she will do when they leave that city (as is possible - they have ambitions of working elsewhere), what she would do, etc. She didn't have an answer, but she moved anyway.

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goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 16:43

I am livid. But also trying to tread the right side of the line given that she is a grown up with her own mind and priorities and has clearly made this choice.

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goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 16:45

Thanks for this

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OpenthePickles · 23/01/2018 16:55

I think, as they are all adults, you should stay out of it. It's none of your business really

OP, you mother is compus mentis and an adult, so it is frankly none of your business

Ah the old "none of your business" crap. Only on Mumsnet is it not your business that your mother is being treated like shit and could end up penniless and with no pension in the coming years.

Trinity66 · 23/01/2018 16:58

Ah the old "none of your business" crap. Only on Mumsnet is it not your business that your mother is being treated like shit and could end up penniless and with no pension in the coming years.

I know right? How odd that some people wouldn't worry about their own mother being taken advantage of :/

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SaucyJack · 23/01/2018 16:59

Thing is.... even if it's illegal for them to pay her a wage for childcare as she isn't a registered provider, there's still nothing to stop them from paying for an Ocado delivery a week (or whatevs) as a thankyou.

They're taking the absolute piss out of her expecting her to exist on fresh air.

Hoppinggreen · 23/01/2018 16:59

It needs to come from your mum, if you tell him he’s taking the piss and he goes running back to her to complain you will be the baddy here.
Your Mum really needs to woman up and stop being taken advantage of, I get that she might be worried about not seeing her grandchild enough but if she gets you to fight her battles he will continue to take advantage

goodnamesweretaken · 23/01/2018 17:04

I know right? How odd that some people wouldn't worry about their own mother being taken advantage of :/

Yep - not something I can switch off.

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