To think my brother should be paying for his childcare?

[goodnamesweretaken]

My older brother had a baby this year, and my mother moved from the south up to Scotland in order to be closer to him, his baby and his wife. It's her first grandchild (none from me quite yet ;) !) so she was really excited to be around. Property was cheaper up there too, so she got rid of her mortgage and bought a little cottage a short drive from them.

Her plan was to get a part time job there, and then care for the baby a couple of days a week. However, since she arrived about 9 months ago, she hasn't got work, instead looking after the child from 8-5 every day whilst he works from home and his wife is out at the office.

She doesn't have a lot of money, and is not on any kind of benefits, so is just chewing through her remaining savings, of which I know there is not much. AIBU to think that my brother and his wife, who both earn decent money, should be paying her something for the childcare she is providing? It seems to me she is effectively subsidising their lifestyle, and not standing up for herself. What can I do - I have tried to talk to my brother gently about it but he becomes extremely defensive and goes on about how stressed he is and how difficult his life is. I have tried to encourage my mother to get a job but she seems to have lost all confidence since she moved. She doesn't feel able to ask them for any money.

[goodnamesweretaken]

If she's anything like my DM she'd walk over hot coals for her son. Even at the prospect of sinking into poverty for his sake. But not for her daughters.

She is very equal with us in how she treats us generally, and did make a point of saying that she would do the same for me. Of course, in reality though, that is unlikely as it'd be impossible for her to move again. Plus I would never expect it - I fully expect any child of mine to be in nursery when I work. It will cost the earth but that's something I have to take into consideration beforehand.

[goodnamesweretaken]

And that there must be a happy medium somewhere.

Uff, so sorry for this. But, sounds like you have got yourself together and are managing. Well done you - you should be proud of yourself. Make that new start a good one. x

[MistressDeeCee]

It's galling, but it is between your mum and your DB. It'll be interesting to see what happens when your DM grows older and frailer and either won't be able to look after any future babies, or her money's run out.

But ultimately it's up to your DM to speak out, if she's unhappy. If she's anything like my DM she'd walk over hot coals for her son. Even at the prospect of sinking into poverty for his sake. But not for her daughters. Is your DM unhappy? She may not be.

I do hope if your DM requires care in old age they're not going to come to you regarding doing a big share of that. They sound utterly greedy and selfish so it's likely they will. Then again when you do have DCs your DM will be 100s of miles away from you and they anyway so, you'll have your own busy life to get on with.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I can't get over the idea that you should just stand back and let this happen either, as though your mother is just some random person, and not your actual mother.

It might be worth asking your brother what he thinks your mother is living on - where he thinks she's getting money from - and see what he comes up with. And then when he makes assumptions about how much she has in the way of savings, and benefits etc., you can put him straight and explain that she's running through her savings and will be out soon, and has no other income, so how exactly does he expect her to survive while his offspring are occupying all her potential working hours?
If he doesn't "get it" then, then he's a really selfish CF. Do you know if he is?

[givemesteel]

Wow, your mum is obviously very selfless but is obviously a bit naive when it comes to her interests. It's a very big move to sell up where you live with friends / neighbours / support networks and move so far away. Will you or any other siblings have kids? What then?

You need to lay it on the line with your brother, pint out what her savings were and what they are now - really he owes her that for a start. Get other family involved if necessary and embarrass him in to it.

Your mum needs a wake up call as well. She would be foolish to let this go on until her savings actually run dry as she's not no way of replenishing that beat egg at her age. I think you'll have to nag her about it as well. She obviously budgeted for working 3 days so at the very least your brother should pay her for 3 days at whatever she used to earn for 5 days childcare and he'd still be getting a good deal.

[Coyoacan]

Maybe you could enrol your mum in an assertiveness course and then leave all the rest up to her.

[QueenNefertitty]

This makes me die a bit inside.

I moved 350 miles to be nearer family after DP and i separated and I had a small baby. DM encouraged the separation, and the move. Would go so far as to say, that she sort of "pushed it" at a time when I was very vulnerable (PNA/PND). Was promised a roof over my head, all the help I needed, emotional support...

Within 3 months DM was asking me to move out ("too much laundry, too much mess with a baby") I've had next to no emotional support, and the one day a week childcare I was PAYING her for (more than only the nursery) has proven too much, so DS now in nursery 4 days a week. ( I work ft).

I'm now alone, with my son, 350 miles from friends, next to no family support, and starting all over again.

When I read threads like this, I can't help but feel I've been cheated in the grandparent stakes just a tad. And that there must be a happy medium somewhere.

[Lemonnaise]

All I'm saying is it sounds like the mother in this post has OFFERED to look after dgc and it's noones business but the parents and the grandparent

She might have offered but they don't have to take her offer. Have they no bloody common sense? Do they think she's living on fresh air?

[Quokka12]

And to be clear we also agreed beforehand the levels of care dd went to nursery 4 days a week (she was 3 when they moved in) so not every day all day which would be exhausting single handed.

[Quokka12]

Why is your mum so passive? My mum and dad live with us and provide childcare (along with awesome cooking and gardening skills) up front we discussed no bills for them so their pension is spending money only, legal agreement in the event me and dh split up allowing me an extra share of equity to compensate them for a home etc. My brothers have no idea of the financial and legal pinning behind - it is none of their business unless mum and dad are worried and ask for them to advocate.

[TitaniasCloset]

Ignore the stupid posts OP. Your mum is not wealthy enough to look after her GC purely from the goodness of her heart and she is being taken advantage of. You must step in and say something. You can't see your own mum end up destitute. They are being absolute CF. If it causes a row so be it, apart from anything else looking after kids 5 days a week must be exhausting for her.

Perhaps send an email to your brother and mum,

[category12]

Except it's not 2 adults that have come to an agreement - the mother went up expecting to give childcare 2 days a week and find herself a job for money to live on, but has ended up doing fulltime childcare while the brother refuses to discuss it.

[Originalfoogirl]

It's the op's business if her mum is getting herself in a financial pickle because of her brother.
Nope, I still don’t agree that it is. They are two adults who have come to an agreement. The OP can only say her piece, which she has, and let them get on with it. I have a sibling who completely takes advantage of my parents. I don’t like it, but it’s between them. They are both in control of their own lives, it’s not up to me to judge.

There is a difference between being concerned and interfering. To me, the OP is ask8ng what the best way for her to interfere is.

[timeisnotaline]

Help jobhunting for your Mum and who cares if dh is defensive? Say I’m sure life will be much easier when Dm moves in with you having burned through her savings to look after your children full time instead of the couple of days a week she planned. Mention that to sil in a ‘I don’t see any other options’ tone

[Graphista]

Farmerswife plenty of us responding DO have children and have done or are doing the work/life balance thing - I STILL wouldn't have used my mother in this way nor abused her goodwill. It's a total pisstake! If the grandparent is fairly wealthy and can afford to offer the care for free AND are physically fit to do it (I've been a nanny and childminder it's very much a young/fit persons 'game') then it's the grandparents choice to agree to that but any decent adult child would not PRESUME

Fishface's idea is PERFECT!

Or granny could present her son with an itemised bill!

[goodnamesweretaken]

*



I'm guessing you have no kids yet and have no understanding just how tough the whole work/ kids balance is
Indeed I do not. However, I've got plenty of friends who do, and I know their struggle to balance work and home, and what a bloody hard slog it is with tough decisions to be made. I also know they don't expect a free ride, and adjust their lifestyles accordingly...because it's their child and their responsibility.


Are you sure it's not your Mum insisting he use her instead

Nope, she has suggested nursery a few days a week to provide some more socialising for baby. So far, nothing.

Thanks for advice all, varied and interesting! Agree there's nothing I can do to influence her other than offer advice. She did indeed make the choice and moved there to do the childcare 2 days a week (and spend time with her gorgeous gc), however she definitely didn't expect to be doing five.

I shall be giving her some urgent jobsearch help and perhaps some assertiveness lessons! If she's working, which she must, they'll have to find an alternative and give her her own time.

Thanks!

[turnaroundbrighteyes]

Thing is though if your brother were paying an ofsted registered childminder he .at be able to claim tax credits or childcare vouchers to cover most of the cost. Or free hours depending on the age of the child.

Are you sure it's not your Mum insisting he use her instead? Especially given that she chose to move closer, doesn't sound like something she'd chose to do without being pretty determined to look after her dgc.

It's not his fault that she chooses no to find paid employment.

Could the defensiveness be that he'd rather use alternative childcare or that he cant afford to pay her without the subsidies he'd get if a qualified childminder were looking after his dc.

Afraid I'm in the noyb camp and wonder if she's enjoying your sympathies AND looking after her dgc.

[Farmerswife36]

Ok then . Night night

[category12]

It's the op's business if her mum is getting herself in a financial pickle because of her brother.

[Farmerswife36]

All I'm saying is it sounds like the mother in this post has OFFERED to look after dgc and it's noones business but the parents and the grandparent .

[Farmerswife36]

Good job I pay a childminder extortionate amounts each month then ain't it

[category12]

But would you seriously let your mum burn through her savings and risk an uncertain future to give you free childcare, farmerswife36?

[wisterialanes]

farmers wife it is comments like that that guilt trip gp's into providing FREE ft childcare. Funnily enough gp's have raised their own DC so most often do know how hard it is to get a work/life balance . The OP's db is refusing to even discuss it which makes him a CF in my book.

[Farmerswife36]

When my mum was alive she had my dd twice a week and LOVED it !! I'd give anything to have my mum back ! Please think wisely before you judge

[Farmerswife36]

Lemonaise I'm afraid to say I pay a childminder 800 pound per month every month ! Sorry if you think that's taking the piss ? If my mum offered childcare then she would never ever dream of wanting to be paid ! I however do not have the luxury of having a mum or free childcare