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AIBU?

To feel let down by these 'friends'

63 replies

inmyshoos · 18/12/2017 21:52

Was part of a 4some. All mums who I have met through my dc. I split up with H last year and none of them were there for me. Instead they rallied around H like I had done something terrible. Years of an unhappy marriage, tried counselling, tried talking at length, tried to sit it out whilst dc grew but I couldn't take anymore. None of them know him like I do, in public he is Mr Easy going. Being married to him was a completely different story. I could cry with relief at being out of the relationship. I was close to breaking point.
So I have tried not to dwell on the lack of support from this group and instead be grateful for the true friends who have been there for me through it all however my dc just told me that their Dad has been invited to our usual get together at New year and asked if we could go. We haven't been invited. It just feels so hurtful. It's like I'm being punished! There was no one else involved. I have been nothing but nice to him despite being as difficult as possible. I feel like I can't win!

AIBU? Do I just need to suck it up . It feels so unfair

OP posts:

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Trinity66 · 19/12/2017 12:19

I would live to have a party and invite friends and family etc but we moved to a really rural place years ago with his job and a my old friends and family are 200 miles away. Not very many other circles here to move in unfortunately

Would you think about moving away from there now you're not with him anymore? (not just for a New years party lol) but you know, to get your own life back again?

as for NYE, like others suggested, get some party food, get in your jammies and watch some movies together!

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52FestiveRoad · 19/12/2017 13:03

I'm not surprised you have not heard back from him re. NYE. He probably liked the idea of the party as a newly single man, and now he has to try and think of an excuse to not take his kids with him.

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HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/12/2017 13:14

All feels so bloody unfair. Judged for being the dumper even sounds ridiculous.

OP I have been there, it is horrible. My ex was Mr Wonderful in public, how dare I divorce him. Worse thing was I had to take a step back from my own family as they couldn't see him for what he was. It took a couple of years for them to realise what a prick he was, but still leaves a bitter taste all these years later.

Oh and agree with PP, people play dumb and pretend it's not happening because they are putting up with a lot worse in their own relationships. They don't want to acknowledge that they are just taking shit and not doing anything about it.

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nigelschristmasham · 19/12/2017 14:46

My family were like that housework-Until incontestable evidence that he was a nasty piece of work emerged. Tbh I don't think my relationship with them will ever totally recover. It's ok, but it will never be what it was because I can't imagine not having my kids side no matter what-and I can't see why it wasn't like that for my parents too.it hurt like hell that, to be honest.

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HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/12/2017 15:45

nigelschristmasham yes it feels such a betrayal, wasn't my parents but a very close sibling.

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inmyshoos · 19/12/2017 22:05

That sounds awful guys. Family should have your back no matter what. I've been really lucky as my folks and brother can see exactly what h is like. They actually saw it before me. I was always trying to see the best but my Dad always said h was sneaky and manipulative.
Being let down by 'friends' is painful enough let alone your own family. Sorry you had that experience

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nigelschristmasham · 19/12/2017 22:15

Well for the full
House it was my best friend that he was seeing for a year and a half before I found out. They both screwed me over in the worst possible way...
With friends like that eh?

It doesn't half make you think twice about trusting anyone ever again...

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Lostalot · 19/12/2017 22:25

sounds like personality disorder. possibly covert narcissist. I was married to one, they tend to play the nice guy/victim role, making you look the crazy one. very difficult for outsiders to see whats really going on.

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TalkinBoutWhat · 19/12/2017 22:35

Storm has it in one. Your Ex is great to have around. Safe to flirt with, no risk of losing their own husbands to him, and they get to set him up with women of their own choosing.

You upset the applecart. Your role was to clearly have a shittier marriage than theirs, but to stay in it so that they felt more secure in their own marriages. You are a threat to them, in a way they can't even understand.

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TroelsLovesSquinkies · 19/12/2017 23:38

No wonder he hasn't got back to you. He can't play the victim who misses his kids so much if he has the kids with him at the NYE party.

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CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 09:12

Family should have your back no matter what

No they shouldn't. My friend chose her DIL over her abusive son in their split.

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Kracken · 20/12/2017 09:19

Pretty much exactly this happened to me after my split. Ex was great at playing the victim! I lost a couple of fairly recently made friends, yes. But as others have said on here, my longstanding friends from school and Uni are still there and absolutely on my side. They are all I need.

I have always said yes to the kids going to events with this friendship group if they fall on dates I have the kids (we just swap days) as I don't want them to miss out on seeing their friends and going to parties etc.

It took me about a year to get over the rejection, 2.5 years on and I am absolutely fine with it now. I am so much better now than I was when we were together, it's a small price to pay.

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Racmactac · 20/12/2017 11:26

This came up on my fb today which I thought was apt

Liv (let's call her liv)

Is a friend of mine with a dumb arse husband who we shall call "Greg"

Greg is rude, drinks too much, has been violent with her, gropes other women and leaves Liv to raise the kids basically alone.

We used to tell Liv to leave him all the time, "you can do better, we will be here for you" etc.

But we were met with excuses "only when he drinks, he's getting better, he was Violet once! You guys need to get over that"

there came a time where we had to stop attacking her and just support.

And then one much to everyone's surprise day, she up and left.

Took the kids and moved into a rental.

And that was followed by the weirdest course of events...

Everyone's sympathy turned to Greg..

"Poor Greg didn't see this coming, he wasn't perfect but he worked hard, I brought him some frozen meals yesterday, he's a mess. How could she do this to him?"

What weirded me out is that we see this time and time again, one member of a relationship neglects, controls or abuses the other and then the other leaves and we all feel
Sorry for the poor fucker left behind.

So I asked my therapist.. and she explained to me, "the person who feels like they lost the most in a divorce, will be the loudest. When you hear the screams 'it's not my fault' they are usually trying to convince themselves and I suspect in this case, Liv slowly lost everything over the years every time Greg was with another women or was horrible to her, so by the time she left she had nothing to lose. And Greg did lose everything"

This made so much sense to me, people are always trying to find a reason to blame a woman because she appears controlled and leaves with her head held high. Leaving behind the mess that she was trying to fix for years.

To visit Liv now is to see a new women, juggling kids and work, happy, laughing, strong and capable.

And that doesn't sit so well with anyone, they were conditioned to the sacrificial woman, doing it tough and slugging away and comfortable with party boy Greg living his best life.

But it sits really fucking well with me. #queen

If you think inequality doesn't exist, take a really good look around you. In the work place, in parenthood and in the work place.

Con 💗👑