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AIBU?

To feel let down by these 'friends'

63 replies

inmyshoos · 18/12/2017 21:52

Was part of a 4some. All mums who I have met through my dc. I split up with H last year and none of them were there for me. Instead they rallied around H like I had done something terrible. Years of an unhappy marriage, tried counselling, tried talking at length, tried to sit it out whilst dc grew but I couldn't take anymore. None of them know him like I do, in public he is Mr Easy going. Being married to him was a completely different story. I could cry with relief at being out of the relationship. I was close to breaking point.
So I have tried not to dwell on the lack of support from this group and instead be grateful for the true friends who have been there for me through it all however my dc just told me that their Dad has been invited to our usual get together at New year and asked if we could go. We haven't been invited. It just feels so hurtful. It's like I'm being punished! There was no one else involved. I have been nothing but nice to him despite being as difficult as possible. I feel like I can't win!

AIBU? Do I just need to suck it up . It feels so unfair

OP posts:

Report

Hopeful103 · 19/12/2017 08:59

Oh im so sorry op. It hurts like he'll and you wonder how can all 4 of them do this. Not one but 4 of them. Makes you wonder if its you. I have been there though under different circumstances. The best thing is to cut them out and have nothing to do with them. They havr shown their true colours.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 19/12/2017 09:09

Is it a 'him or me' situation? Have you said to your friends you don't want to be places he is? TBH, in that situation if two friends were splitting and one said that (and there was no obvious fault like violence or cheating) I would say the one with the problem should stay home.

Deathraystare · 19/12/2017 09:11

They are not friends then, are they?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2017 09:18

They sound useless and nasty. Why would you want to be involved with such people.yiy know they sided with him, so wouldn't be surprised this has happened. Let them see his true colours.

52FestiveRoad · 19/12/2017 09:31

It seems odd to me that your ‘mum’ friends would rally around him. I feel like there is more to this story. Can you think of a reason why they would side with your DH? Any wrong doing on your part?

Oh here we go. Bunch of people acting like aresholes. 'Well you must have done something wrong to make them behave like that' Err no, some people are just arseholes.

YANBU OP, chin up and ignore.

MinorRSole · 19/12/2017 09:37

Op I've been through this too. Ex was abusive and my 'friends' knew all about it. They encouraged me to leave. Ex made leaving very difficult as I knew he would, even had ss involved just so I could get out.

He played the victim well and I lost 70% of my friends (although they were less honest about it and were acting as spies for a long time)

It was messy and unpleasant and I sank into a very deep depression BUT I've made new friends, moved to a different area. I'm remarried and barely think about any of them now.

What you are going through is shit but it isn't you and it isn't your fault. Wash your hands of them and move on. You'll be ok

nigelschristmasham · 19/12/2017 09:42

Yep similar happened to me with a fair few people after our marriage broke down. I'm not as charismatic as exh and he is a very convincing liar.
I fought for those friends for a few years but it just feels like hard work now-and I've realised I'm better off without them. It was becoming a friend version of the 'pick me dance'. And It was getting to the stage where every time I saw them I would come away doubting myself, or analysing what I'd said, or what had been said to me-it was actually making me feel awful. So I've stepped back from them, for my own good really.
My real friends have stuck by me and they are what will count for me going forwards, though it still feels very unfair and it makes me pretty sad.

MinorRSole · 19/12/2017 09:45

Just to add that the friends I lost were mum friends, others who had known me pre ex were 100% loyal and such a support. Maybe you have a set of friends you can fall back. Ex had put barriers in the way so some I hadn't spoken to in 10+ years but they knew the score long before I did and were delighted I had left.

Perhaps try and rekindle older friendships?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/12/2017 09:52

All these big life events (divorce, death, illness) really do sort the real Friends from the fake friends. See the positive. At least now you know they are fake friends and you don’t need to invest or waste your time. Now appreciate the people in your life who do support you. Concentrate on what you have.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/12/2017 09:57

I once was asked to choose between a man and a woman in a newly broken up couple. I refused to decide upon one or the other because I was equal Friends with both. The female friend couldn’t accept this though and cut ties with me completely

inmyshoos · 19/12/2017 10:05

Thank you for all the replies.
I do have a few true friends who are just amazing. It's made difficult by having dc who want to be involved in a these get togethers and they can't understand why we can't go. I am desperately trying to come up with some other plan that will be as fun and exciting. Difficult when all I feel like doing is going to bed and having a good old cry about how unfair it all is.

What do those of you with older dc do for New Year? Mine are between 10 and 14 so too young to just put them to bed but not old enough to make their own plans.

OP posts:

another20 · 19/12/2017 10:06

I think that at very difficult stages in our lives we need to remember to look after ourselves emotionallly. That we are battered, bruised and red raw - we are vulnerable and especially sensitive and might see or perceive things in a more extreme light. We need to bed down, batten down the hatches and listen very carefully to our gut and respond by taking ourselves away from situations and people that trigger or harm us whether it is intentional from them or not. Take care.

CurryWorst · 19/12/2017 10:28

Oh here we go. Bunch of people acting like aresholes. 'Well you must have done something wrong to make them behave like that' Err no, some people are just arseholes

Sometimes people are just arseholes, yes, but sometimes people stop speaking to you for a good reason. you have no idea which it might be.

When you split, couple friends take sides. And they've taken his, which they have every right to do if they want. Move on.

StormTreader · 19/12/2017 10:34

Some women feel threatened by single women, as if they are all gagging to steal their (usually rather saggy and shop-worn) husbands. A single MAN who they can look after and safely flirt and giggle with is a much more attractive prospect for them.

CurryWorst · 19/12/2017 10:40

That's rather sexist and patronising. Also not true, in my experience.

QuiteChic · 19/12/2017 10:40

In reply to something fun to do on New Years Eve - are the pantos on yet ? Do Butlins (or similar) do a kid friendly NYE do ? Sorry if these suggestions are horrifically expensive - no experience of either as mine are much older.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2017 10:48

I know, it's life events like this, which sift the wheat from the chaff, friends wise. Some friends are just piss poor, and this type of thing shows them for who they are. I agree with Storm, they probably feel threatened by your new single status.

nigelschristmasham · 19/12/2017 10:51

I'm taking one out for dinner earlyish, then home to watch movies and eat chocolate till the bongs go off xx

Trinity66 · 19/12/2017 10:54

Any chance of organising your own party at home with your relatives and friends (and kids of friends and relatives) ?

m0therofdragons · 19/12/2017 11:11

They're not friends op. My friend broke from her h and at first we didn't know he'd cheated. She wasn't in a place to go into detail but needed support. Other df and I said "okay, we just need to know... do we hate him? Are we giving him evils across the playground at pick up or being civil?" Your "friends" have clearly made a judgement and that would hurt like hell. I hope you meet much nicer people and make better friends xx

Eltonjohnssyrup · 19/12/2017 11:52

Could the kids go with their Dad?

Trinity66 · 19/12/2017 11:54

Could the kids go with their Dad?

She probably wants to spend NYE with them though

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inmyshoos · 19/12/2017 12:07

I've asked him if he is going and would he take the dc of he is. I'd rather the dc were happy than worry about who they spend NYE with.
I would live to have a party and invite friends and family etc but we moved to a really rural place years ago with his job and a my old friends and family are 200 miles away. Not very many other circles here to move in unfortunately

OP posts:

inmyshoos · 19/12/2017 12:08

Oh and I have had no reply from h surprise surprise 0

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/12/2017 12:13

I could give you so may reasons OP:

They're aresholes
He is spinning the 'poor me, all I wanted to do was live happily ever after with my babies and wife line'
They don't want a single woman around their DH's (I know that sounds sexist AF (OK, is as sexist AF) but I have seen the same behaviour on more than one occasion with friends)
Their own marriages aren't smooth sailing - you are a reminder that boats can be rocked and they don't want to 'catch single'
And they're arseholes.

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