WIBU me or DH?

[VerityRarity]

I've inherited some money from a great uncle, as has DD (whose 2). My money alone is enough to buy a house with a mortgage but with DDs could buy us a 3-4 bed house in the town we're in now (aka near both families, DDs Nursery etc) outright or with a very tiny mortgage.

DD has a few extra needs, and may need to live with us for the rest of her life. The Will stated that if the money was going to be used to directly benefit DD we could ask the solicitors permission to use the money and he'd made a decision. The solicitor has been told about DD, her extra needs and feels my plan to buy a house which DD would directly inherit after my death --because even if she can't live in it, it would help pay for her care/a small flat for her-= is a good plan so has given me permission to use DDs money.

DH and I have been married 2 years in April (got married when DD was 10 months old). We currently live in a small but lovely housing association flat on the ground floor. I'd happily stay here if it hadn't been for this opportunity. DH works full time, I work but mostly from home (going to the office once a month or so) so I can be around if DD has a fall or whatever at Nursery and I need to pick her up.

DH wants us to get a mortgage, using the money from my GU as a deposit and get a 5 bed house. He says he wants to have the space to be "away from us" (DD and I). He keeps going on about having a gaming room for himself and being able to invite his friends round every week for a drink in "his room". He's on about having his mum and dad down next christmas and still having room for his best friend - his parents live 5 minutes drive away and see us at least once a fortnight and have never expressed a desire to stay with us, his best friend lives in the next town but has slept on the sofa bed in the living room the last two christmases (and will again this year) from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day.

He's a great dad generally, often takes DD for "father-daughter" time on a Sunday, does half all the chores, helps with the cat, he's pretty good at DIY, and he takes DD to Nursery in the morning on the 3 days she's in even though it's the opposite direction to his work. So I do feel this is a joint decision.

I've told him i don't think that's a good idea. If we got a 3 bed and needed a tiny mortgage it would cost us less than our rent costs us per month - we currently pay £300pm rent, a mortgage would be about half that, whereas with the 5 bed will easily cost what we're paying in rent now plus a bit more we can afford for our "rent" to go up a bit but I'd be worried about other things such as bill increasing as it's a bigger place. Plus we'd also have to maintain it like we don't have to here, so if the boiler breaks it's our responsibility not the Housing Associations.

I don't want to override his decisions and come across as controlling just because it's my money, we're only 26 and 28 so this is a fantastic opportunity and he'll be paying half the mortgage if we end up needing one but I'm trying to future proof our investment. If the worst was to happen to DD and she needed care I feel as her parents it's our responsibility to pay for as much of that as we can, so I'd sell the house and downsize. 3-4 beds sell a lot easier here than 5 bed+. We're still not sure if we want other children yet so our focus 100% needs to be DD and her potential future needs.

So who's being sensible here me or DH?

[VerityRarity]

The 3 beds a few streets away are still within walking distance of the Nursery. 1 would increase the walk by 10 minutes, which I can manage the others are either around the same amount of time as the flat we're in or a little closer but not enough to make a massive difference. PILs are 5 minutes drive away, same town and can be walked to in the summer (wouldn't do it now due to snow/ice/rain), FIL drives and so do both DH and I. My DM lives 20 minutes drive away on the outskirts of a larger town so we see her regularly too we also go to this town to go to the big supermarket once a fortnight or so, this is also where most of DDs appointments are. There's a lovely town centre nearby (again walking distance) that I take DD to on the days she's not in Nursery and they have lovely groups we go to, plus we can go swimming, or walk around the local park.

I don't get much time to myself, but I'm a mother I don't expect it. I do occasionally leave DD in Nursery 30 minutes longer and have a cup of tea and catch up with the soaps. If I desperately need a day to myself, I plan it for either DHs day off or arrange for MIL or DM to have DD for me (both are happy to do so).

[VerityRarity]

We could use the 3rd bedroom for carers if needs be, I currently work at the kitchen table so could always go there, surely carers only need a single bed, a desk and a bedside table plus access to a bathroom? Or extend into the garage and me and DH move down there so carer has a room upstairs.

At the moment I don't want any other children so it's not a factor atm. In future we might be able to upsize if we did have more children and get a mortgage on that property.

[RemainOptimistic]

DH moved straight from his mum's into living with you? Has never lived on his own? Eeek.

Please ring fence all of your money and DD's money OP.

[MentholBreeze]

My only comment not knowing your dd's future needs is whether or not you could do with a property that has space for carer's to stay overnight and if you have another child space for you working from home?

I really think you're being more sensible, sticking with a (hopefully spacious) 3 or 4 bed rather than going for a more palatial 5 bed.

And I would use your daughter's money, simply because why waste money on mortgage interest when you have the money sitting. Your daughters money, invested in property is a much better financial decision for her (you can always re-mortgage later if you needed to).

Do get her money protected though - I'm sure your solicitor can do that.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

I would aim for a decent sized 3 bed.

Also get legal advice, consider in it, what would happen if when she's older, DD wants to live independently but needs access to the money to do that? 20 years will fly, and you will only be mid-40s. If she needs residential care, you might find yourself forced to sell the house to raise her share.

Could you buy without using her share?

[rookiemere]

The most generous assumption of the situation is that your DH has got a bit overexcited about the money and is trying to live out his fantasies. I mean who wouldn't want their own gaming room .

He needs to be brought back to reality. You don't need loads of spare rooms so that people who live 5 minutes away from you can stay when they want to. They really won't want to, or if they do it will be once a year at most.

Your current location sounds really good and you're close to ILs and your DM so it's all very positive.

Your plans sound much more realistic, although I would say that moving is an expensive and energy sapping endeavour so as others have said I'd think carefully about what your needs are likely to be over the next 10-15 years rather than just short term - might be better to buy something the right size now.

[Pou]

Bit miffed as to why everyone is telling you to ring fence your money? Your DD’s yes, but yours is surely joint as your married? The amount of threads I’ve seen on here where a DH has inherited money and everyone is up in arms as he dared to want to keep some of it for himself, or make sure it was protected.

But anyway, I think you should meet in the middle with a 4 bed. That way you’ve got two spare rooms, one each.

[ToffeeUp]

You are not being unreasonable, you are being sensible. Your husband on the other hand needs to grow up and consider his daughters present and future needs.

As for I don't get much time to myself, but I'm a mother I don't expect it, your husband is a father and wants a gaming room to get away from you two. You should expect him to step up more as a husband and father so you can have some more time for yourself. That would benefit DD.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You can always upsize. If you manage to save however much per month would pay for the bigger house, you could clearly afford it. It's always better to see if you can afford things first, before you do them. Then if you decide to move in future, you would have savings for moving costs, stamp duty and so on.

[Lucylululu]

He wants you to spend more to buy a bigger house than you need, just to have an extra room so he can 'be away from you'? I'd be seething! Absolutely so selfish of him.

[VerityRarity]

I'm not bothered so much about my portion of the inheritance as I'd see it as joint money if DH had inherited it, however I will protect DDs money.

If in 5-10 years time we find we need a bigger property I'd move and upsize, isn't that what the property ladder is about? Hopefully even if DD goes to a special school I will be able to have a part time job out of the house for 1-2 days a week so then we'd have more money coming in to put into a bigger property.

[therealposieparker]

I think you need a solicitor to ring fence DD's money away from your DH , should you divorce or in the event of your death.

Be wise and practical about all of this, not emotional.

[therealposieparker]

And I've just got to say grown men who game annoy the crap out of me. well I didn't have to

[Musicaltheatremum]

You have not mentioned what your daughters needs are or maybe (and nor do you need to) but once children reach 18 if they are not able to go and live independently then services for them become very difficult to get as you fall under the very overstretched adult services. It may be worth ring fencing and protecting money for her to have additional care that she may need. It's not just about where you live it's about caring for her.

[Bobbins43]

Where's your room to get away from it all? And your daughters? I don't think your husband is being very realistic at all. YADNBU. And I would echo the previous posters about getting some kind of legal document drawn up to protect yourself and your DD.

My father gifted me the vast majority of a house as a wedding present. I pay towards a small mortgage. Even though the mortgage and the property are in my sole name, my STBXH would be entitled to a share just because we have been married for so long. He's never paid for the mortgage or for any upkeep towards the house. So, it is really important to protect yourself as far as you possibly can.

My son also has additional needs and his father didn't care less when I mentioned that this house would probably either be funding his care or would be a place for him to live as an adult. All he cared about was the money he had supposedly paid for the bills etc...

[Bobbins43]

I don't get much time to myself, but I'm a mother I don't expect it

Oh, OP. This makes me want to weep. Both as a Mum and a carer and as someone who says this same thing.

You need time and space for yourself too. So you can go on working and caring and just being you. Yourself. A person in your own right. You should try and ringfence some of that too :)

[happypoobum]

Definitely spend some of that money on legal advice. I don't like the way your DH is behaving at all.

I would be inclined to ring fence all the bloody money for DD future and not move at all.

Is there any way of buying a small house solely in her name?

I am now going off to cry about being able to buy a three bed house with a garage for £160k............Would cost about £700k here!

[TroelsLovesSquinkies]

Verity, don't consider your inheritance as joint money, your Uncle left it for you. This also needs to be protected the same as Dd's inheritance.
Saying you consider it his inheritance too, sounds very much like you are wearing rose tinted glasses. See a solicitor and have it all set up legally and with cold hard facts, not with romantic ideas of love lasting forever. For some it does, but for nearly 50% of marriages it doesn't. You have the sad reality of planning for child with additional needs and need to remember that over everything else.

[CremeFresh]

I can't get past the fact that your DH wants his own room to get away from you.

[PositivelyPERF]

I'm not bothered so much about my portion of the inheritance as I'd see it as joint money if DH had inherited it

The same husband that wants to spend you AND your DAUGHTER'S inheritance so that HE gets the most benefit! I'm sorry, OP, but you're being rather innocent about all this. The whole family can benefit from the money, without him actually owning it.

BTY, I'm not talking from bitter experience here, as I had a wonderful, kind and generous husband, but I've seen enough relationships break down and 'nice' guys go for the financial throats, once the fighting starts. You're not saying your marriage is at risk, by respecting your relatives wishes. If he wanted your DH to have it, he would have left a share to him.

Regarding a three bed house, obviously you've got your head well screwed on, when it comes to the area, including which hospital and school catchment area your going to.

One thing I took into consideration, was the attic. I bought a house with the good open spaced attic /^\ as opposed to a lot of the modern houses, which have the beams criss crossing the attic /X. It gave me the option of putting stairs through the box room and having a lovely big attic, bedroom. Something worth thinking about, investment and space wise.

[EggysMom]

If in 5-10 years time we find we need a bigger property I'd move and upsize, isn't that what the property ladder is about? Hopefully even if DD goes to a special school I will be able to have a part time job out of the house for 1-2 days a week so then we'd have more money coming in to put into a bigger property.

This is the sensible approach. Go for a 3bed, as that suits your needs just now and provides options for the future when circumstances could change - another child, DH becomes XH, that kind of thing. Consider upgrading to a larger house when your daughter is at school and you have an increased income.

DH can go swivel. He should be giving you a break, not you relying on your DM or MIL. He shouldn't want his own space any more than you do, you are both parents to your daughter and your time should be spent with her. He sounds incredibly immature, I have to say.

[museumum]

He’s just a bit giddy with the possibilities but you sound sensible. A 3 bed with possibility to add one later (loft or garage) sounds ideal.
If you do end up passing it on to dd you want it to be below inheritance tax and also to be possible for her to maintain/heat.

With what you save on rent / bigger mortgage he can meet his mates at the pub once a week.

[Marmighty]

Things that have probably already been said but I think are worth repeating:

Children with special needs are expensive. Depending on needs assessment your DD (and you as a carer) may be entitled to benefits and services but there may also be extras that you wish to pay for for her - particular therapies, special diet, hi tech equipment, experienced babysitters, particular sized car to accommodate equipment, modifications to your home to make living easier - it's worth planning to have more disposable income on a monthly basis, so you are able to give her what you wish and that which meets her changing needs.

Your DD's money is a windfall which if invested and ring-fenced appropriately could provide income and security for a long time. However you need specialist advice so that your DD's trust is not immediately used to fund her living once she reaches adult services - Mencap has a lot of information on trusts of this type and will be able to suggest a solicitor who is experienced in this.

Getting a 3 bed house with potential for extension and modification in the future seems entirely sensible. And of course once you are on the property ladder, with the opportunity to accrue savings, then you can always move and upsize as required.

Personally, I would get lots of professional advice and start talking as though this is what's happening. I would not entertain your DH ideas for a larger place. It took me a long time to be able to tell DH no and that he needed to be realistic about this sort of decision, but you need to look out for your DD and for yourself as her primary carer.