WIBU me or DH?

[VerityRarity]

I've inherited some money from a great uncle, as has DD (whose 2). My money alone is enough to buy a house with a mortgage but with DDs could buy us a 3-4 bed house in the town we're in now (aka near both families, DDs Nursery etc) outright or with a very tiny mortgage.

DD has a few extra needs, and may need to live with us for the rest of her life. The Will stated that if the money was going to be used to directly benefit DD we could ask the solicitors permission to use the money and he'd made a decision. The solicitor has been told about DD, her extra needs and feels my plan to buy a house which DD would directly inherit after my death --because even if she can't live in it, it would help pay for her care/a small flat for her-= is a good plan so has given me permission to use DDs money.

DH and I have been married 2 years in April (got married when DD was 10 months old). We currently live in a small but lovely housing association flat on the ground floor. I'd happily stay here if it hadn't been for this opportunity. DH works full time, I work but mostly from home (going to the office once a month or so) so I can be around if DD has a fall or whatever at Nursery and I need to pick her up.

DH wants us to get a mortgage, using the money from my GU as a deposit and get a 5 bed house. He says he wants to have the space to be "away from us" (DD and I). He keeps going on about having a gaming room for himself and being able to invite his friends round every week for a drink in "his room". He's on about having his mum and dad down next christmas and still having room for his best friend - his parents live 5 minutes drive away and see us at least once a fortnight and have never expressed a desire to stay with us, his best friend lives in the next town but has slept on the sofa bed in the living room the last two christmases (and will again this year) from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day.

He's a great dad generally, often takes DD for "father-daughter" time on a Sunday, does half all the chores, helps with the cat, he's pretty good at DIY, and he takes DD to Nursery in the morning on the 3 days she's in even though it's the opposite direction to his work. So I do feel this is a joint decision.

I've told him i don't think that's a good idea. If we got a 3 bed and needed a tiny mortgage it would cost us less than our rent costs us per month - we currently pay £300pm rent, a mortgage would be about half that, whereas with the 5 bed will easily cost what we're paying in rent now plus a bit more we can afford for our "rent" to go up a bit but I'd be worried about other things such as bill increasing as it's a bigger place. Plus we'd also have to maintain it like we don't have to here, so if the boiler breaks it's our responsibility not the Housing Associations.

I don't want to override his decisions and come across as controlling just because it's my money, we're only 26 and 28 so this is a fantastic opportunity and he'll be paying half the mortgage if we end up needing one but I'm trying to future proof our investment. If the worst was to happen to DD and she needed care I feel as her parents it's our responsibility to pay for as much of that as we can, so I'd sell the house and downsize. 3-4 beds sell a lot easier here than 5 bed+. We're still not sure if we want other children yet so our focus 100% needs to be DD and her potential future needs.

So who's being sensible here me or DH?

[Knittedfairies]

Obviously I don't know what your daughter's 'few extra needs' might be, but if there is any possibility that she might be able to live independently from you (with the right amount of support) then you should give her that opportunity and not tie up her inheritance with yours. Buy the house you can afford.

[diddl]

I agree with you, Op.

I'd be seriosly considering giving him permanent space away!

5beds for 3 people seems daft to me.

3 bedrooms would be giving you a spare!

Garage, cellar, attic?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Can I just check that he is her biological father?

Anyway, yes, her funds need to be protected, in her name - and kept in a form that allows them to be accessed for her use, whatever her needs might turn out to be.

So, what if the thing that would make most difference to her life in five or ten years' time is an expensive piece of equipment, or private school fees, or employing a specialist carer, or one of you giving up work to home educate her? Would you be able - legally, emotionally and practically - to sell your house and downsize to realise the necessary funds? Remember, houses don't always sell quickly and market conditions change. That's aside from your and his willingness to move and agreement on what is the best course of action.

Certainly, reducing your outgoings by avoiding debt, in the form of a mortgage, seems a sensible thing to do. Why give away your earnings to a bank, as interest, if you don't have to. But only if the money saved allows you to do something beneficial for the family, or to save for more substantial beneficial things. Not to be frittered away.

Bigger houses will cost more in heating, council tax, maintenance and possibly stamp duty. All for rooms you barely use. Add up the difference and compare to hotel rates for his parents and friend over Christmas.

Maintenance can be very, very expensive and sometimes large costs must be met when you least expect them. Then there's updating and improvements - without which a house will become dated, less comfortable to live in and less saleable over time.

Ultimately, he wants you to agree to do something that is solely for his benefit. Therefore the onus is on him to make the case to you as to how this will work. Let him do the sums, the thinking and get back to you with a costed, convincing plan - making the business case to your dd's 'estate' with her as the client.

This isn't about you trying to control things because it's your money. (Can you imagine him falling for that line if it was his inheritance? That he must spend his and dd's inheritance on what you want, for yourself, because to do otherwise would be 'controlling'?).

It's about doing what's best for your dd. Now and in the future.

[FizzyGreenWater]

No no no.

This is quite a big red flag - tread carefully.

You're fairly young. A lot could happen in the next 20 years and it isn't looking too great that your DH's response to this windfall has indtantly been 'What can I - ME- get out of it myself?'

Not 'what's safest and best for DD, and least likely to leave us all short' - but - my games room!

The comment that he would be able to 'get away from you' is also not great. It's just not something that someone on your team would come out with, if you see what I mean.

Agree with others - this IS your money, and your DD's money - it's not only your right but your responsibility as her mum to protect it. Don't be idealisitc - your DH is talking in a way which should show you, sadly, that you should protect this cash from him too.

You don't know what might happen in the future, so speak to a lawyer and make sure you a. make what YOU think is the best decision for DD and b. protect the cash so in the worst case scenario - you divorcing and him going for the jugular - he can't get his hands on it.

On the house issue itself - you don't need a 5 bed - that's just wasteful and silly, and possibly a bad financial decision for you all. However, I'd go and look at 4 beds with an eye to the future. You may have more children. Just go for the house that fits your needs best and absolutely, don't feel guilty about putting your DD's needs above those of your rather grabby sounding DH.

[Inertia]

I wouldn't use your daughter's money at all- I would investigate how it can be ringfenced for her to use in adulthood , e.g.locked into a trust.

From the sounds of your husband, I wouldn't trust him to prioritise your daughter if anything were to happen to you or the marriage. Worst case scenario if you use your daughter's money to buy a house would be that you outlive your husband, he remarries, then the house goes to new wife once he dies and your daughter is left homeless and without the inheritance which was specifically left to her.

[BabyOrSanta]

Personally, I wouldn't use any of her money or all of your money and get a bigger mortgage.

• Not using her money - gives her savings for the future
• Not using all your money - means you have a fund for any boiler breakdowns or any adaptations your DD needs. Waiting for years to build a wet room, for example, is not great whereas having some money means you can just get on with it
• Bigger mortgage - if you and DH split, he will have also paid into the property. As you're married, the house will be considered as a marital asset anyway in the event of a split and it might soften the blow a bit, and maybe curb his ideas if he has to pay (unless you can get a concrete agreement in place)

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

You have a 2 ye old and your DH wants a gaming room and mates round drinking every week?!
And he wants space to get away from you both already so early into your marriage.
Also,not meaning to disrespect all men butany walk out of relationships where children have extra needs once they get older.I no too many single mums in this position.
Your plan seems most sensible and having no or only a small mortgage the best idea and puts your finances on a sure footing especially as mortgage rates are increasing.
I'm with everyone in thinking you must protect yours and DDs inheritance.It will make no practical difference if you stay together but a massive one if your relationship breaks.

[nocake]

Don't underestimate the cost of running a big house (it sounds like you're more aware than your DH). Everything costs more and takes more time. Gas, electricity, water, insurance, council tax, repairs, decorating, furnishing, gardening, cleaning etc etc. If your DD has extra needs you might not have the time to run a 5 bed house.

[ilovekitkats]

If you buy a property using DD's money and she has extra needs, then make sure that you put her share of the property into a trust or do whatever is necessary to protect her share or give her a larger share to protect her future, so 50% is in trust in her name. You would need specialised legal advice on that though but you must do something to protect it.

I do find it strange that he wants his own room, as others have said, do you get your own room too? It sounds like he wants to relive his teenage years spending hours on the xbox with his friends, but he has a family now that he needs to consider.

[MamaNell]

If you are able to buy without a mortgage he will have more disposable income as he will not be paying his half of the rent. Therefore either together or on his own he would be able to save enough to create a games room/ summer house/ loft conversion. Or if he wants it sooner than that he could get an unsecured loan in his name to do the same, and the money he would be paying in rent can pay it off. It seems unreasonable that 'your and DD' inheritance would not actually be benefiting you. The peace of mind that would come from being mortgage/ tiny mortgage free, and knowing that any future care is provided is surely the intention behind your Uncles generous bequest.

[PoppyFleur]

OP - the larger the house, the greater the running costs. You should budget for at least 1% of the purchase price as an approximate for annual running costs.

For most people, a mortgage is the biggest debt they are ever likely to have. The opportunity to have a really small mortgage will present you with so many options should your circumstances change in the future.

Also, and I hate to say this bleakly but the divorce rate in families with children that have special needs is higher than average. I have seen it within my own wider family and I urge you to take steps to protect yourself and your child. A good solicitor will be able to draw up an agreement signed by you both that your inheritance and DD is not considered joint assets in the event of a separation.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

His heart's not in this, is it? He's seen your inheritance as an opportunity to do what's best for him. He sounds incredibly selfish and immature.

If you do buy a house with him, please get a good lawyer to make sure that if you divorce he doesn't get any of your daughter's share.

[Tinselistacky]

He is surely paving the way for a good divorce settlement imo.

[kaitlinktm]

A gaming room for him and a drinking den for him and his mates does NOT "directly benefit" your DD. In fact the opposite could be argued - he would spend more time away from her (and you) if he had his own space. If the solicitors knew that this was what DD's money would be spent on, they would surely not agree to it being used.

Are you not allowed your own room to "get away" from him in? I am sure you don't need to "get away" from your own DD.

Honestly, I would take legal advice without him being there. He wants to spend your and DD's money on things which will benefit only himself. I wonder if the money had been his, if he would have agreed to the same things for you? I very much doubt it.

I know it is not what you want to hear, but I wouldn't trust him about money. Don't agree to this idea.

[ObscuredbyFog]

You need to somehow "Ring Fence" the money that is dd's in this new property and any of your inheritance which you can gift to dd to enable her future or be used for her future, otherwise IF you and your DH ever split up, he may be able to claim half of everything, which would put your dd's long term future in jeopardy.
You need to see a specialist solicitor, probably a STEP Solicitor www.step.org/for-the-public whose job it is to protect your dd's assets and ensure she is provided for in all eventualities.

I also second the idea of a property with enough land to easily build a single story extension with plenty room for a wet room, bedroom, carer's room, lounge and maybe kitchen and utility maybe a garage or at least parking for her own vehicle plus carers, for her to use as her own independent flat as she grows, somewhere that can be adapted to her needs as she gets older.

Your DH is only seeing £££ signs in front of his eyes and hasn't realised your dd's disability is not meant to fund his fun.

See a STEP or other specialist solicitor, or several on your own, it's not a set in stone process that they will all follow, like everything it depends on the person, their ability and how comfortable you feel with them.

Do not involve your DH with your dd's money or yours until you fully understand all the processes involved, then present him with a list of options. one of which would be bugger off if he was mine

Your dd is fortunate to have had such a wise Great-Great-Uncle and a Mum who have her best interests at heart.

[ReanimatedSGB]

It's also worrying that you say you 'don't want to override his decisions.'

Decisions about the house that your money and your DD's money will be buying are not his to make in the first place. Yes, he's part of your family (for the moment...) and it's reasonable that you discuss things together, but it's not up to him. It's not his money.
If he keeps on pushing for a bigger house that suits him, then you might want to think seriously about ending the marriage before buying a house, so he doesn't get to have any claim on it.

[VerityRarity]

Just DD yes, and DH is her biological father, we intended to get married in May 2015 but DD was due June 2015 so delayed the wedding by 11 months.

3 beds would be;

1. me and DH
   
2. for Dd
   
3. Spare Room/Study for when I WFH
   

I'm happy to still have the sofa bed in the living room/dinning room if his friend wants to stay.

I will definitely ring fence DDs money. Her extra needs mean she may need a downstairs bedroom eventually so will need to be able to access money for a lift/downstairs bathroom.

Around where I am £160k is roughly what a 3 bed house with garage would cost. We've inherited just enough to cover that between us (DD and I) but we may need a small mortgage depending on cost of fees, stamp duty and whether we need professional movers. The leap to a 4 bed is about £50k and a 5 bed (which there isn't many of where we are) is around £100-150k depending on how far from where we live we move. I want to stay where we are if I can as DD goes to an amazing Nursery which is within walking distance. There is a couple of houses for sale a few streets away which are 3 beds with garages, they have big enough gardens to extend if we need an extra bedroom in future etc.

Our flat costs £1k a month to run, including rent, utilities, insurance etc. I've doubled that amount for running costs for a house, as I like to over estimate. Without a mortgage or a very tiny one we can afford a 3 bed at a push a 4 bed, but I'd rather not stretch the budget that much.

DH isn't normally selfish. But he has never had his "own space" his parents had a 3 bed house and 3 children so he always shared with his brother. Then moved in with me, so I think he's just a bit excited to have his own space. I am happy for him to have a shed/log cabin in the garden if we have the room, as I do understand. He works hard and DD can be a bit overwhelming, it's not often but I do need the occasional day just to myself. I have to plan this around DD/DH though.

[ilovekitkats]

If you didn't have SN DD then I would say go for the £50K mortgage and a 4 bed, however seeing as you have DD, then I think that mortgage free would be better for you. You can then save the rent money each month and hopefully live a comfortable life with DD. Maybe you could pay for some respite care so that you and DH can get away together with somebody else caring for DD?

It's just hard luck that he has never had his own space. He can't have it now either, as you and DD will be the ones paying for it. He is married, he doesn't get to have his own playroom, he needs to put the family first.

You sound very sensible and a nearby 3 bed would meet your needs and not land you with a mortgage. That is a great position to be in.

[Hissy]

RINGFENCE YOUR MONEY TOO!!!!!! This is money left to you and your DD will need it regardless of anything.

[Hissy]

Do YOU get time to yourself OP?

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

Three bed with garage sounds good.Your husband can gradually make it into a comfortable den that wouldn't impact on you and DD but gives you room for downstairs expansion in the future if needed.Save DDS money for that or for improving access as she gets older.

[GoodMorning1]

'There is a couple of houses for sale a few streets away which are 3 beds with garages, they have big enough gardens to extend if we need an extra bedroom in future etc.'

Do this and let him have the garage as a den (unless you want it as your den!)

[thegoodnamesarealltaken]

OP, even with a 3 bed - there will still be a spare room where his friend can stay over, and where surely he can retreat to if he needs to, when you're not using it for an office? Alternatively you could always convert the garage?
I think get a 3 bed - 4 bed at a push but honestly, prioritise location as it seems this is very important to you - if there is a 3 bed nearer to the nursery/ future school than a 4 bed you also like, get the 3 bed! Don't think just about size of house but also amenities close to the house you end up choosing and choose based on that - so yes, maybe have a look at both 3 and 4 beds when you're looking with estate agents, and then let other factors make your decision.

[MadMags]

Buy your 3 bed house. Dump your selfish twat of a husband!

[ArnoldBee]

My only comment not knowing your dd's future needs is whether or not you could do with a property that has space for carer's to stay overnight and if you have another child space for you working from home?