To stop DD going to ex-H’s?

[TabbyTigger]

A long one so as to avoid any drip feed. Ex-h left me when I was pregnant with DD12. He’s always lived close by and we’ve always been relatively amicable - DD (and DS) previously went to ex-H’s two nights midweek and every other weekend. Never settled in court, just agreed between us. In the last year ex-H has remarried and moved in with his wife and her DD, who is in the same school year as DD. They were never friends, never really spoke to each other, but since they started living together ex-H’s DSD has been really nasty to DD, and encouraged nasty behaviour from other kids too.

DD has subsequently chosen to stop going midweek - claiming it was because she found it disruptive to have to pack her stuff to take to school, though I reckon this was only a small part of the reasoning. I have honestly done everything I can to try and make ex-H take action regardingg his DSD’s behaviours

[TabbyTigger]

Elton while I agree and am sure DSD isn’t an “evil Machiavellian genius”, I am sure that this isn’t a case of two girls not getting on, and is more of a bullying relationship. It’s been 8 months now, and for the first few I thought it was just teething problems and that DSD would shake down and get used to DD. Yet it’s got worse and DD is definitely scared to go there - DSD is much bigger than her physically (and 10 months older) and though she’s only pushed/kicked DD a few times (she has a temper and can break into screaming and kicking, but after will make up a story about DD starting it) she uses this to make physical threats. A few weeks ago she broke one of DD’s most treasured possessions on purpose (ripped the hardback cover off a signed Harry Potter book - basically gold dust to DD!) and then told DD that if she told her dad she’d hurt her. At 12, coming from a bigger girl who’s already kicked you before and got away with it, I’d say that’s a very scary and palpable threat. DD was very open minded at the beginning of the process about having a new step sister, but DS explains the situation that the DSD’s mother completely dotes on her and therefore she struggles to share limelight. Her parents also had an acrimonious divorce which probably hasn’t helped her. I think she’s just deeply insecure but is taking this out on my DD in a place that should be my DD’s home too.

Thank you for all the supportive comments! I am trying my best to make this about DD and what she wants so I’m glad that’s coming through. I am just worried that with DS he’s proved he cares so little, which DS hasn’t taken too badly because he’s a confident 18 year old who decided he didn’t like how his dad treated him, but with DD it may affect her more. I want her to maintain a relationship with her dad, but I don’t see how this can happen until he and his wife do something to sort the issues with DSD out and stop upsetting DD with their unkind conversations, which they seem unwilling to do. I’ve been trying to persuade them to sit the girls down and help them with the transition for six months now, but I just get ignored and told I’m being sensitive and dramatic. DD holds her feelings in while there because she isn’t believed but as soon as she gets home she sobs and tells me everything - and her best friend has previously told me how she cried in school about it. I don’t see how I can comfortably let her go there until something changes.