Can't believe we've just argued over the fucking toilet!

[Emerald92]

I told DP I was going to the loo for a number two and to keep an eye on DD 1yo. After a few mins he calls up 'Are you still on the toilet?'
'Yes'
'I need the toilet but don't rush'

He does this every single fucking time I'm on the toilet! I can never poo in peace! I know it sounds petty but I hate it, I feel rushed and self-conscious he's listening then. Every time I'm on the loo he needs it! Today he heard me flush and was there before I had a chance to pull my knicks up and wash my hands

We've argued. He could tell I was annoyed and I told him I was fed up of him always needing the loo every time I'm there. You don't need to tell me you need it too. I'm going as quick as I can anyway!

It got heated but he turned things and personal by yelling 'go fuck your self. You're an arrogant fucking piece of shit' I'm fuming!! Not once did I call him a name or swear at him.

He's lucky his bags aren't outside the door!

[Nervousrex]

DH does this sometimes, and he does have a bit of a habit of knocking on the bathroom door if he wants to speak to me while I'm in there than walking in anyway! A few years ago he always seemed to need a crap when I was having a shower, and didn't seem to understand how offensive I found it. At the time we were both on the same forum (shared hobby), so I posted about him doing this in the chat section - after half a dozen male contributors had said, "Dude! Really?" had told him it was unacceptable, he packed it in.

Also I started remembering to lock the door.

But I have to say, that notwithstanding - DH and I have been together for over 30 years now, and I can honestly say he has never spoken to me like that, not once. I can understand that if you are both tired and stressed you might come out with things you don't mean, and I hope that's all it was in this case, but I think you're probably right to discuss it. That's really not acceptable.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Faeriequeen has it. Exh used to pull this shit all the time. No pun intended. It included coming in the bathroom when I was in the shower. When we moved to a house with a separate loo I was so happy but no he found another reason to come in / I must wash my hands I've changed dd nappy / there were two other sinks in the house. I couldn't bear it at all. The next bloke I lived with was really sympathetic would stay down stairs and pop home when he was at work (worked all over our area) to the empty house to poo in peace and not Block the bathroom! He was a cock in so many other ways but this taught me it wasn't me being awkward about the bathroom!

[billionsofbeautifulhearts]

Such a disrespectable thing to say, people do say horrible things but this is the sort of thing exs coming out with after a nasty split, not someone you're actively in a relationship with either way unacceptable behaviour. If there were other things going on, on top of this it would be close to the end for me since it escalated so quickly from that, life can get stressful but once the respect is lost the relationship is over.

I will say that the toilet incident we have a lot but never once have we argued or mentioned it to one another. It's me who is the one who says "are you still in there?" "Don't rush" (I say don't rush even when I am weeing myself, when I go I am in and out he can be in there 30-40mins). It has absolutely nothing to do with me controlling him, more that I cannot control my own bladder. If he just goes I am fine, if he tells me he needs it within minutes of him going/ sitting on there I need it and within 10 minutes I'm so desperate I struggle to hold it.
I know its probably psychological because now and again when I wash my hands, I then need the toilet! Then I have to wash them again. I clearly have a delayed reaction because I can initially say no and within minutes need it because it got me thinking about it. I think its an issue faced when you have one toilet household, kids always do it to me as soon as you sit down they have to go, there is a limited amount of peace on the toilet when you have kids/ or cats!

[TheFaerieQueene]

He doesn’t see you as an individual. You are the carer for your DC. You going to the loo is a dereliction of duty, so he endeavours to make you uncomfortable. He then goes to the loo himself to reinforce your position, as you immediately need to take over care as he is in the loo.

[scottishdiem]

You didnt make him snap and his awful behaviour is his own.

We are a one toilet household and there is a clear protocol for going to the toilet. Basically, telling the other person I am going, do you need to go cause if you do then let me know (this is the hint that is going for a No.2 and will take more than a few mins). This often has a psychosomatic reaction and prompts the need for a quick visit for a No.1. I wonder if this what happens - your act of asking, makes him need?

[Emerald92]

I did say "going to the loo", DP knows what this means. I announced it because DD saw me gob and has a habit of climbing the stairs gate.

[Doggonedays]

'He's usually so good but today I must of made him snap'

Erm no you didn't make him snap. All abusers say I didn't mean to do it but you pushed my button/made me snap.

He was a twat all on his own.

If he's not usually a twat you need serious words.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Oh yes it is definitely. Missed the poo bit.

[BertieBotts]

Erm, no, you have not caused him to snap. He chose to use those words. He must have very little respect for you to come out with that kind of language even under great stress.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

GreatDuck - saying "I'm going to the loo" is different to saying "I'm going for a poo."

[ZigZagandDustin]

I announce when I'm going to my DH as I need him to take over the kids (he's usually working) for a sufficient amount of time as due to post labour damage, even years on, it's not as simple as sitting, going and being done. I can't relax and carefully go with the kids screaming and fighting downstairs unsupervised. Or worse, coming to the toilet door screaming and banging on it. So I do tell him he needs to take them until I'm done. Unfortunately that means I have to 'announce' I need private kidfree time in the bathroom.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

When you’ve got a one year old I think it’s pretty normal to tell your OH that you’re going to the loo so they know to keep an eye out on the baby.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I also don't understand why grown adults announce that they're going for a poo. The last time I did that, I think I was about 4 years old.

That is just an aside though, and really not the issue here. Nor is the fact that he needs the loo every time you are on it.

The issue is the way he spoke to you over something incredibly minor. I wouldn't be putting up with that.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

If there is genuinely no need for you to rush then there is no need for him to speak to you through the bathroom door.
We have more than one loo and kids are older now but if anyone has ever tried to speak to me through the bathroom door, they get the answer "I'm in the bathroom". It's a statement of the bloody obvious but has generally pointed out the ridiculousness of whatever they are trying to pester about:- you know I am in the bathroom and, unless the house is on fire, whatever it is can wait until the end of my wee/shower/moment to myself. I am hardly going to hop off the loo, mid-poop to referee your argument/find your keys/answer the door. Work it out for yourselves.

[LilyDisney]

Toilet thing is annoying.

But verbal abuse and language like that in front of a child is disgusting and not something that I would put up with ever.

[JaneEyre70]

That's not needing the loo OP, it's controlling your actions.
My DH and I have been married for 25 years and have never interrupted each other in the bathroom. It's a private space and not remotely acceptable. Do you not have a lock on the door?

[gamerchick]

It’s like a weird jealousy isn’t it or deep seated anxiety that the place to do your business isn’t available for a bit?

He doesn’t get to speak to you like that because he’s been called out on his behavior. Good luck with your chat.

[ShoesHaveSouls]

I think sleep deprivation can do awful things to us all, and certainly DH and I have had some horrible arguments over relatively trivial things.

But I really couldn't stand DH disturbing me in the loo like that - I would have shouted at him to bugger off and leave me in peace long before this.

Is it a weird control thing? Is he controlling in other ways? My friend had a controlling, v abusive ex-H - and he took the locks off the bathroom door, and would just walk in on her. She hated it, and would shout at him to go away. It was listed as one of the abusive things he did to her in court.

[pinkdelight]

"Not helpful for op, but do other couples really announce to each other that they're going for a poo?"

Sometimes yeah. Poos are funny.

[diddl]

"'I need the toilet but don't rush'"

That's what makes me think it's about control.

There's no need to say anything & all it does it make Op feel uncomfortable/hurry.

[JennyOnAPlate]

I’ve been with my dh for over 16 years and he has never once sworn at me. Its serious talk time I think op. You deserve better.

[Isthismummy]

Not helpful for op, but do other couples really announce to each other that they're going for a poo?

DH and I must be extremely coy in that case...

[Waterlemon]

He sounds very immature. An adult should be able to "hold it".

I work in a school. One child will ask to go to the toilet then the next thing, you have 29 others suddenly needing to go! They are 6 though! An adult should be able to think for themselves!

Unless it is a control thing.

[WeAllHaveWings]

"'go fuck your self. You're an arrogant fucking piece of shit' "

did this happen in front of your 1 year old dd? its unacceptable to talk to you like that ever, but to also think it is ok to do it in within hearing of your dd is very worrying.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

He sounds beyond horrendous.
Does he do this because he doesn’t want to look after the dc?

Next time you need the loo ask himdies he need it first, let him use it and then go and have a poo in peace.