Overbearing mil....wwyd?!

[bellarosa81]

Or rather what should I do?

I've actually posted a thread about this before! Once again the mother in law , with whom I otherwise get on well with, is not listening and does what she sees fit with our children. Again it's with clothes but the main issue is I feel it's another dig at mine and my partner's choices regarding our children- that what we do isn't good enough and she is better. She makes comments about what we buy and that it's not good for them.

She went out with my partner to buy my son some new snow boots and he then sent me a photo of him with new boots , coat , hat and gloves!
Note -we have so many as we live in a very cold country.
My partner said he tried to say the extra items weren't necessary but didn't take any notice and she bought them anyway.

Do I have to confront her and tell her to stop? I'm upset more than angry and almost want to ask " are they your children or mine?!!" ..I don't want to be aggressive blunt but then maybe that's what I need to do with her.

I thought I could ignore it and look at it as a nice gift from grandma but it's niggling me.

[NeepNeepNeep]

People who mean well say kind things and don't make you feel rubbish. If you thibk she means well then say how you feel. How about "you don't need to worry about how little Cecil is dressed/what he eats etc. etc. I am a good mum and am trying my best" Or "It hurts my feelings when you say...". People are disarmed by honesty.

[bellarosa81]

She pretty much says that the clothes aren't suitable for the weather - however I have researched the items I buy and my children have not been ill be cause of how I dress them.
Another issue was why my baby wasn't wearing shoes indoors now he is cruising. I've read a lot about this and feel it's not necessary. I of course could be wrong but the point is that even if I am wrong isn't that my mistake to make and learn from?

[IncyWincyGrownUp]

Just bin it all.

Every single time.

In the bin. Tell her it’s all in the bin. Explain that every single time she steps over the line you will just get rid of it all.

Give no fucks. It’s her money not yours so feel no guilt when you push back against this method of control.

[bellarosa81]

Haha peppers no it's not but not far off considering the temperatures sometimes!

[RestingGrinchFace]

It's not like she's giving them beer-an actual thing that resulted from my FILs refusal to listen to us. I know it's annoying but at least she isn't doing any harm.

[NeepNeepNeep]

Yes barefoot is best. Just keep saying it over and over. Maybe she want to feel important and relevant. Perhaps she was treated the same way when she was young. For what it's worth my MIL has never complimented me either! How about "Thanks MIL. That's great advice". Then ignore it.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

I would advise you to ignore the clothes they bag completely... let her buy things if she wants and it gives her pleasure... she will call ntinue to think she is right whatever you say. Your DC will come to no harm.
As far as the bab cruising is concerned... you are right as far as I know... this is a cultural thing , just say that you and DC are going to keep baby out of shoes for now as per advised practice in your culture and leave it there. I sympathise

[ladymariner]

Christ, does it bloody matter? In the general scheme of things, its no biggie. So what if she buys clothes, just wear them and then donate them.
I'd be more pissed off about her moving things around, now in my mind that is something to discuss!

Incy really??? What a crap thing to both do and say.....

[bellarosa81]

I suppose I'm being over sensitive. I've already been feeling down about living in a country where I don't feel I fit in . It's been quite hard.
I just don't like being criticised about what I do with my children.

[Butterymuffin]

Does she have a key to your house?

Don't use the clothes, and when she asks, say in a pleasant tone 'We haven't needed to bring them into use yet as we'd already got the ones we'd bought him'. Then later on shift to 'He's grown out of them now'.

[bellarosa81]

No she doesn't have a key thank goodness!

I told my partner I would message her and tell her how I feel. He said that I should and part of me thinks he wants me to so he won't have to!

[IncyWincyGrownUp]

Yes lady, really.

This isn’t somebody being nice. This is somebody using a supposed a gift as a method of control. They haven’t listened to reason, so you go with actions. They buy stuff you don’t need/want/have asked repeatedly for them not to buy. You react by getting rid. Binning is the most harsh method, as it sends a very stark message. Charity collections work as well, and are less wasteful, but binning everythingnsends a stronger message. It tells the manipulator that you are not going to stand for their games. It says you are not going to be messed with. It clearly indicates that you are stronger.

If you’ve never had to deal with somebody like this then you may think it’s over the top, but sometimes you just have to make things very clear to people.

[DeadGood]

“I of course could be wrong but the point is that even if I am wrong isn't that my mistake to make and learn from?”

I am sort of with you on the other stuff OP, but your reasoning here isn’t sound. Your MIL will not see it that way. You shouldn’t really use trial and error with children unless it’s unavoidable.

Imagine your partner using that argument if you saw him doing something you knew was “wrong”. “It’s my mistake to make” - er no, not when it’s the child who suffers any ill consequences.

For what it’s worth, I think you are 100% right to have your child barefoot when learning to walk. I’m just saying that you need to approach your MIL like this: “oh dear MIL, things have changed a lot since your day, thank goodness we know better now!” - rather than “well if I’m wrong it’s my mistake to make” which will just make her think you are irresponsible.

[happypoobum]

I really would not message her about this as you will sound petty.

It is more important to address the underlying issue that she undermines you and criticises your parenting. That is what DH should be taking her to task over.

Were you there when she rearranged your house? What did you say? Or was DH there? It sounds like you may have a DH problem.........

[HouseworkIsAPain]

MIL probably thinks she’s being helpful - in that she has brought up children in the cold country and thinks she is passing on what she learnt to you?

Are you absolutely confident that you know best? Becuase it seems as if you are perceiving criticisms when there are none intended - I’ve found that happens when I feel a bit insecure about something. Whereas if I’m confident I’m right, I don’t really care what others think.

She could also just like buying clothes for children to spoil them - just keep for spares and say thank you. Don’t text her how you feel - that would be petty.

[bellarosa81]

Deadgood - good idea , thanks . I didn't mean it to come across as if we are using trial and error with our children, it's more a case of we do what we believe is best for our children.

Happypoobum- oh she re arranges my home decor as she sees fit. Will look in the laundry room to check on how much we have to do... sadly I think you are right and he is a mummy's boy that won't dare question her!

[Sweetpea55]

Your DH tried to tell her but she wouldn't stop,? He's a bit weak isn't he? "
Why can't he tell her straight?

[happypoobum]

So if she moves something can you not say "What are you doing? Can you put that back?" "Please don't pry in our laundry room, I like to keep things private."

[DeadGood]

“Deadgood - good idea , thanks . I didn't mean it to come across as if we are using trial and error with our children, it's more a case of we do what we believe is best for our children.“

I am sure you do

What sort of things is she suggesting aren’t “good enough”? Eg. Does she believe in woolen garments while you buy technical fabrics? Is she more traditional?

[bellarosa81]

Sweetpea- yeah right?!

[bellarosa81]

Actually it's me that prefers traditional woolen items not her , she says they won't keep the wind out. Cue me googling children's hats !

A big problem is I live in a country where the culture is non confrontational- they can't handle it. So it's affecting me. I can't say what I feel for fear of confrontation!

[happypoobum]

I think you are confusing "assertive" with "confrontational" it really isn't the same thing.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

If confrontation is not possible then either you'll have to confront the sneaky way or you can take advantage of being foreign and thus able to break convention by confronting. They will roll their eyes at you being a crazy foreigner but it won't be personal. You can get DH on board with this plan. You stand up to her and then he reinforces the message to her about "oh you know how the Scottish/English/Whatever are, best not cross her!"

I am not from where I live and I have no qualms about using this to my advantage.

If you want to go sneaky confrontation then take the clothes back to the shop, exchange them for something you like. Send MIL a photo of child in new clothes with a message about thanks for the gear but obviously messages got crossed with DH and you don't need any of that stuff so you've swapped it, just letting her know so she's not surprised, thanks again, silly DH, maybe better to check with you first next time.

[SeaCabbage]

I think you picked a benign example to open your thread with.

But as you are suffering I can imagine that your MIL is overbearing. Moving your furniture is not on. Can you give more examples so you can get more people on board and find some solutions?

[bellarosa81]

Sorry everyone I need to call it a night , splitting headache now.

Thankyou for all the advice! I'll sleep on it .

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